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I know Dr. J is shaking his head at me for saying this, but I’ve learned a lot about relationships from Bridget Jones’s Diary. Bridge schooled me on recognizing that your man’s about to step out on you when he develops mentionitis, how to thoroughly search a man’s apartment to find the snooty American chick he’s hiding, and that it is possible for there to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for your man having a naked Asian boy in his house.
But of all the lessons I’ve learned at the knee of Ms. Jones, I’m most grateful to her for schooling me on emotional fuckwits. Because if there’s one thing a single gal needs to learn if she’s gonna win at life, it’s how to spot and deal with a fuckwit.
Now for those of who you have – gasp! – never read Bridget Jones’s Diary, let me give you the definition of a fuckwit. A fuckwit is “a person who ‘fucks with’ the intelligence and emotions of another person”. (source) Simple enough right? They’re kind of like assholes, but while assholes are usually rotten to their core and therefore assholey in all situations, fuckwits are usually great guys whom you love talking to and hanging out with but yank the shit out of your emotional chain.
The fuckwit has five key characteristics:
1. Convenient Conversational ADD
Like I said, emotional fuckwits are overall great guys; so you probably love talking to them. They’re usually funny and smart as hell and not just interesting to talk to but interested in what you have to say. They’re so good at conversation that it’s probably the number one reason you dig him. But let the topic of conversation turn to something the fuckwit doesn’t want to discuss with you and watch how quickly the tides turn. The fuckwit is a champion subject-changer so don’t be surprised if one minute you’re talking about your feelings and the next he’s giving you a play-by-play of the Steelers game last night. Then it’s up to you to decide if you want to be the harridan that insists that you return to the previous topic or if you’re just gonna accept defeat. Either way you’re gonna be left with a bad taste in your mouth and he knows it and is either happy about it or just doesn’t give a fuck.
3. Slither better than a snake
If the fuckwit doesn’t want to do something he’s committed to doing, he’s not gonna do it. And I can’t really fault him for that since there’s no one more own-way than me. But the thing is, unlike an evolved human being, the fuckwit will never just come out and tell you he no longer wants to do it, he’s going to find an infuriating way to extricate himself from it. In the example above he gets out of the convo by changing the subject. Or if your fuckwit is a non-verbal type of situation, he’ll just stop responding to your chats or texts. If he can’t or doesn’t want to go on the date you’ve scheduled, he’ll just not show up. Whatever the situation, he will find the most weaselly way possible to get out of it.
3. A master non-reactor
There are few things that women like more in life than getting a rise out of men. It validates their existence like nothing else. It’s why women threaten to break up with their boyfriend every time they fight, why they wear skimpy clothes in the dead of winter. Actually let me just summarize this and say that getting a reaction from a man is the reason women do 99% of the dumb shit they do. When women start pulling their shit on an asshole, he will fly off the handle and tell her about her parts. But a fuckwit? Nope. No matter what you do and what you say you’re not getting a reaction out of him. And of course the more he doesn’t react the more you try to push his buttons but still you’re not getting more than a blank stare and an okay.
5. He’s sometimeish
Sometimes the fuckwit likes you, sometimes he don’t. Sometimes he’s attentive and interested, sometimes he’s not. Sometimes he’s a fucking jackass, sometimes he’s the greatest man to walk the earth since Jesus. He’s random beyond the point of comprehension and just when you’ve reached your breaking point and are finally ready to quit him for good, he arrives out of nowhere with exactly what you need and you forget all his fuckwitty ways. Until the next time.
4. Deflect better than a….something that deflects really well.
Every fucked up thing the fuckwit does is your fault. One way or another. Either he’s doing it for you or because of how you will react if he does anything different. Or he thought you told him to do it. Or he thought it’s what you wanted him to do. Or what he’s doing isn’t fucked up, you’re just looking at it wrong. Any way you slice it, you are responsible for the fuckwit’s fucked up behaviour
So that’s how to spot a fuckwit. In terms of how to deal with one, you really have only two choices:
1. Don’t – this is what you should be doing if you are not me.
3. Expect nothing but fuckwittage at all times and be pleasantly surprised when he behaves decently – this is what I do. I love a fuckwit.
But what do you guys think? Ladies how do you spot a fuckwit? Do you have the patience for a fuckwit or do you run like the hills? Men do you think you’re a fuckwit? Speak on it in the comments.
And don’t forget to nominate me for the Black Weblog Awards. Just check out the instructions right here.