The F*ckwit

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I know Dr. J is shaking his head at me for saying this, but I’ve learned a lot about relationships from Bridget Jones’s Diary. Bridge schooled me on recognizing that your man’s about to step out on you when he develops mentionitis, how to thoroughly search a man’s apartment to find the snooty American chick he’s hiding, and that it is possible for there to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for your man having a naked Asian boy in his house.

But of all the lessons I’ve learned at the knee of Ms. Jones, I’m most grateful to her for schooling me on emotional fuckwits. Because if there’s one thing a single gal needs to learn if she’s gonna win at life, it’s how to spot and deal with a fuckwit.

Now for those of who you have – gasp! – never read Bridget Jones’s Diary, let me give you the definition of a fuckwit. A fuckwit is “a person who ‘fucks with’ the intelligence and emotions of another person”. (source) Simple enough right? They’re kind of like assholes, but while assholes are usually rotten to their core and therefore assholey in all situations, fuckwits are usually great guys whom you love talking to and hanging out with but yank the shit out of your emotional chain.

The fuckwit has five key characteristics:

1. Convenient Conversational ADD

Like I said, emotional fuckwits are overall great guys; so you probably love talking to them. They’re usually funny and smart as hell and not just interesting to talk to but interested in what you have to say. They’re so good at conversation that it’s probably the number one reason you dig him. But let the topic of conversation turn to something the fuckwit doesn’t want to discuss with you and watch how quickly the tides turn. The fuckwit is a champion subject-changer so don’t be surprised if one minute you’re talking about your feelings and the next he’s giving you a play-by-play of the Steelers game last night. Then it’s up to you to decide if you want to be the harridan that insists that you return to the previous topic or if you’re just gonna accept defeat. Either way you’re gonna be left with a bad taste in your mouth and he knows it and is either happy about it or just doesn’t give a fuck.

3. Slither better than a snake

If the fuckwit doesn’t want to do something he’s committed to doing,  he’s not gonna do it. And I can’t really fault him for that since there’s no one more own-way than me. But the thing is, unlike an evolved human being, the fuckwit will never just come out and tell you he no longer wants to do it, he’s going to find an infuriating way to extricate himself from it. In the example above he gets out of the convo by changing the subject. Or if your fuckwit is a non-verbal type of situation, he’ll just stop responding to your chats or texts. If he can’t or doesn’t want to go on the date you’ve scheduled, he’ll just not show up.  Whatever the situation, he will find the most weaselly way possible to get out of it.

3. A master non-reactor

There are few things that women like more in life than getting a rise out of men. It validates their existence like nothing else. It’s why women threaten to break up with their boyfriend every time they fight, why they wear skimpy clothes in the dead of winter. Actually let me just summarize this and say that getting a reaction from a man is the reason women do 99% of the dumb shit they do. When women start pulling their shit on an asshole, he will fly off the handle and tell her about her parts. But a fuckwit? Nope. No matter what you do and what you say you’re not getting a reaction out of him. And of course the more he doesn’t react the more you try to push his buttons but still you’re not getting more than a blank stare and an okay.

5. He’s sometimeish

Sometimes the fuckwit likes you, sometimes he don’t. Sometimes he’s attentive and interested, sometimes he’s not. Sometimes he’s a fucking jackass, sometimes he’s the greatest man to walk the earth since Jesus. He’s random beyond the point of comprehension and just when you’ve reached your breaking point and are finally ready to quit him for good, he arrives out of nowhere with exactly what you need and you forget all his fuckwitty ways. Until the next time.

4. Deflect better than a….something that deflects really well.

Every fucked up thing the fuckwit does is your fault. One way or another. Either he’s doing it for you or because of how you will react if he does anything different. Or he thought you told him to do it. Or he thought it’s what you wanted him to do. Or what he’s doing isn’t fucked up, you’re just looking at it wrong. Any way you slice it, you are responsible for the fuckwit’s fucked up behaviour

So that’s how to spot a fuckwit. In terms of how to deal with one, you really have only two choices:
1. Don’t – this is what you should be doing if you are not me.
3. Expect nothing but fuckwittage at all times and be pleasantly surprised when he behaves decently – this is what I do. I love a fuckwit.

But what do you guys think? Ladies how do you spot a fuckwit? Do you have the patience for a fuckwit or do you run like the hills? Men do you think you’re a fuckwit? Speak on it in the comments.

 

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bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 26

  1. Malik says:

    I have degrees of all these characteristics. While I wouldn’t abject to being seen as a f*ckwit, I would still put forth the effort to feign being insulted. The fourth one you listed, or ‘#5′ fits me the most with the second ‘#3′ coming in a close second. I wouldn’t say I’m always sometimeish, because if you ask me for a favor I’ll put my put my best foot forward, but I’ll finish it when I feel like it. I don’t really do 2 minute warnings for other people.

  2. so women can’t be fuckwits? based on some of these characteristics it seems like they can be.

  3. According to this list, I definitely have some fuckwit in me. #1 and the second #3 are the ones I do the most.

    One of the biggest reasons why I become a “master non-reactor” in some situations is because I can tell when a woman is saying or doing something just to get a rise out of me. So I just counter it by not reacting.

  4. sanen85 says:

    I completely forgot about BJD and this definition of a fuckwit. The latest and lamest of the men I was involved with fits this to a motherfuggin T. Thanks for giving words to it.

  5. Yoles says:

    OMG.. i think i fall for fuckwits… it’s ok i do it too(all 5) sometimes maybe i’m a fuckwit lite?!?!? things that make you go hmmmm

  6. Sam Sharpe says:

    Max.

    I’m at a loss for words. Are you seriously gleaning dating/relationship advice from Bridget Fuckin’ Jones? Unless it’s what not to do I’m not sure what there is to gain. I was almost going to go on a blog strike and boycott your site….then you went and used the word harridan. As a sucker for words and wordplay you just sucked me back in….

    Anyway. Am I a fuckwit? Nope. But there are probably a gaggle of Bridget Jonesish chicks out there who’ll tell you different. Don’t listen to them.

    1. max says:

      Hahaha Sam Sharpe you are the EPITOME of fuckwits.

  7. Flyy says:

    & w/ 1 post, Max single handedly convinces me that I need to read Bridgette Jones’ Diary. I will be buy/reading as soon as May 12th comes around…

    I think my bff is a fuckwit, b/c this “Every fucked up thing the fuckwit does is your fault. One way or another. Either he’s doing it for you…” is him 2000%.

  8. Sade says:

    Actually let me just summarize this and say that getting a reaction from a man is the reason women do 99% of the dumb shit they do.
    This is so f***ing true!!!!! I need a reaction from people. If I don’t get one I start sulking. Especially if said person is a man and I’m interested in said man. If I tell you something I thing is funny, laugh! If I’m hurt about something my mom said, give me a hug! If school pissed me off, threaten to jump my teacher!

  9. BP says:

    This list as always IS on point! I was once dealing with this sometimeish dude. We were friends for years and then starting dating among other things and then he started acting like you described. I cut him off but then he would come back apologizing and sh*t. The last I heard from him I told him to lose my number because I didn’t have time for it. What gets my goat is that some of these f*ckwit dudes find girls that don’t mind dealing with their madness. It’s hard out here for a g:irl.

  10. Reecie says:

    I think I might be a fuckwit.

    1. Yoles says:

      reecie… we’re sweet girls & you have dimples so say fuckwit lite ;)

      1. Reecie says:

        I read your comment after I posted but yes, I much prefer fuckwit lite :-)

  11. Danielle says:

    Oh I have had one of those. And I’ve filled my quota. One of my goals in life is to not end up in the odd news section of yahoo because this man done drove me crazy.

  12. @JJM5184 says:

    In the context of Bridget Jones, I suppose I am a Fuckwit. I have been told in other words lol.

    It stuns me as a guy because when I feel like I am being fair, honest, commited ,loving, comforting and more, there is always somethign that will get under a womans skin.
    Men and Womens difference in emotional wiring really is the cataylst for situations like this.

    As people period no matter what, we will never be perfect, so just stay in your lane and be yourself. If someone you love does not like what you do, make adjustments or keep it moving. Life is short, so live and love like you know it is.

    PEACE

  13. Menelaus says:

    I know who this post was about.

    1. max says:

      Wait what’s the blogger party line for comments like this again? Oh right – It’s not about any one person, it’s an combination of the many fuckwits I have known in my life.

  14. O_D says:

    Wow.
    Long pause………

    I think I’m a fuckwit. =O

    Well sorta. All depends on the girl and how she’s playing at me. I never thought of this kind of label though and it’s very interesting to diagnose. I really fuckedwit [lol]this last girl I was talking to. In fact I was about to continue with the fuckery tonight but when I read the “getting a reaction from a man is the reason women do 99% of the dumb shit they do” it kinda opened up some light on her last blow up and I might just let it slide but rrgghh Im so curious though, lol.

    Max I also wanna add that it seems entirely possible for females to have this fuckwit behavior, or you could just say that almost all girls just do this naturally anyways(a la #3?)??

    Man I gotta reread this post, very valuable assessment.

  15. RedLady821 says:

    I saw the movie, never read the book. I don’t particularly care for that actress, she looks puffy in the face to me.

    You usually don’t know you’re involved with a fuckwit until you’re in too deep and it’s already too late.

  16. O_D says:

    Can I also add that from a man’s POV sometime’s it’s necessary to have some fuckwitable traits towards women. Ask NC-17 about being a man. You can’t cater to every chick and answer every text in a show of desperation. This is where “having too much of a good thing” comes in to play, it gets old and boring.

  17. Slim Jackson says:

    Umm….

    This is pretty accurate.lol. Was reading from the phone and was like hmm, I’m kinda a fuckwit. That part about trying to get a reaction and not responding to it? Yeah…all day errday. I am not ashamed. Nope. I am not.

  18. MeteorMan says:

    I do #3 at will. In fact, it’s fun to see women struggle with my non-reaction. Why is it fun? Because doing anything for the sake of gaining a reaction out of me is very manipulative. If that makes me a fuckwit, I’d rather fuckwit-you than let you fuckwit-me. self preservation, ftw.

  19. Adonis says:

    Wow… Just Wow…

  20. Berriblk says:

    I am a fuckwit. Its just pure selfishness, SMH. It’s horrible, I know….but in my defense, sometimes I’m confused. People who aren’t so in tune with their emotions can come off as fuckwits unintentionally.

    Or maybe I just didn’t like the guy [enough]….

  21. Kema says:

    My ex was definitely a fuckwit.

    Him explaining why he cheated…

    Well you were away with your girls and I didnt know what you were doing. The first day you called and then you didnt on the second. I started feeling like if you are doing something then I should too. So if you had just called more I wouldnt have felt like that.

    His cheating became my fault.

    He had all the other traits but that one bothered me the most.

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