Bad Shoes (and Other Random Instant Turn Offs)

21
Apr
2011
ugliest-sneakers

It’s that time of year again. Nominate me for a Black Weblog Award please. Go here to get all the instructions and ish. And tell a friend to nominate me too! As you guys know, I’m a girl who gets turned on quickly. All it really takes is a quick peek at Paddez’s tumblr, a [...]


It’s that time of year again. Nominate me for a Black Weblog Award please. Go here to get all the instructions and ish. And tell a friend to nominate me too!

As you guys know, I’m a girl who gets turned on quickly. All it really takes is a quick peek at Paddez’s tumblr, a well-timed “whilst”, a deep v-neck tee, or some box-fresh Air Force ones to send me off to the races. But like anything that ignites quickly, the fire of my lust fickle and can be instantly squelched by any number of innocuous and random-ass qualities. And once the fire is out, you’re gonna have to work overtime to get it lit again.

Allow me to share with you my dear readers, my random-ass instant turn-offs.

1. Bad Shoes

I feel like I’ve been all over the internets proclaiming my distaste for corny shoes, but allow me to break it down one more time for you. A man who wears ugly shoes will never be Mr. Max. A man who wears cheap shoes will never walk beside me. A man who wears the same shoes day in and day out will not pass go. And a man who cannot understand why I own so many shoes will be ejected from my lifespace. Instantly and permanently.

Here’s the thing – it’s not hard to dress well if you’re a man. It’s really not. Their options are pretty finite. So what a man chooses to do with his footwear says a lot about him. And if a man is comfortable with conveying the message that he is the type of dumbass who thinks these Adidas Kobe II joints are a good look, I just cannot rock with him. I cannot and I will not.

Actually now that I think about it, my distaste for bad shoes is gender-agnostic. Meaning that I will no sooner fuck with a woman in ugly or cheap shoes than I would with a man. Bad shoes offend me.

3. Accents

I know a lot of ladies love accents. Some girls are roaming the earth searching for a particular accent and not much caring about the particulars of the man behind it. Me? Not so much. The only time an accent gets me instantly revved up is when it’s a Black man with a British accent (hello, Idris!). Everything other than that is on a strictly case-by-case basis. Well, except for the accents I fucking hate. Those are grounds for instant disqualification. But I’m not saying which ones those are – I’m not trying to get stoned on these e-streets.

4. Nationality

Call me what you will, but there are certain nationalities that will instantly lower a man’s rating with me. It may amuse you all to know this but, despite the vast number of American friends I now have, American men are usually throwaways with me. When I think “American man” my mind goes two places: 1. That Estelle song that I fucking hate 2. Greasy, slimy dudes in white polyester suits with red shirts opened to reveal chest hair that resembles an ant colony with shiny s-curl hair and red alligator-skin Stacy Adams. Blame this on the fact that I grew up close to Michigan and my first trips to the US were to Detroit. Either way, if you tell me you are from one of my list of no-fly countries you will be instantly removed from thronx consideration.

5. Butterfly’d collars

This is another gender-agnostic one. There is nothing that offends my eyesockets more in life than when someone is wearing a collared button-down inside a collared blazer and they open the inside collar out over the outside one. Or they’re wearing a collared shirt inside a crewneck sweater and fold the collar out over the neckline of the sweater. Ugh! I swear to you, my chest is starting to get tight just thinking about how much I effing hate this look.

I mean really – look at this heinous shit:

As my home Streetz would say, “shyts disgustin”.

Dear world: your collar is supposed to stay inside. I don’t know why, but it is.  If I see you with your collar folded out over anything I cannot and will not look at you.

6. Corny-looking friends

Ladies have you ever been out and spotted a seriously sexy dude across the room? But as you move in on your reconnaissance mission you notice that the circle he’s rolling with is filled with corny-looking dudes? This is such a tragedy. The younger Max believed that you needn’t judge a man by the company he keeps and that just because a man is surrounded by herbs, doesn’t necessarily mean he is a herb himself. The older Max knows better than this. A man who can tolerate being surrounded by a large amount of fromage can be nothing but fromage himself and must be discarded. Trust me on this.

7. Unnecessary use of big words

Everyone knows I love big words. But I also love simplicity and authenticity. So if I’m in a conversation with a man and he starts complimenting me on my pulchritude, my shit is going to dry up faster than an uncapped paint pot because I know this man is only using that word because he read that big words make my panties drop and he’s trying to fast-track a beat to impress me. Nothing says poseur to me like having a man drop an SAT word for no good reason. And nothing turns me off faster than a poseur. Well except bad shoes. Oh and butterfly’d collars. Well, anyway. You get what I’m saying.

So that’s my list – what say you guys? Anyone feel me on these random turn offs? I know The Most Interesting Man in the World feels me on at least one. What are your random instant turn offs? Speak on it in the comments.


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51 Comments

  • Yoles says:

    i’m co-signing with you on the poser… i can’t take the unnecessary over indulgence in words when you know you could have said 5 words or less to make your point.

    in keeping with the speech theme, i can NOT take a man that doesn’t have a handle on standard english… irregardless for regardless, mines for mine, yall for you (plural) it just grates my nerves!!

    men that talk too much/are into gossip.. i like them strong and silent. if he is all up on TMZ and the such i just get turned off and a man that’s a chatty cathy.. please spare me

  • Adonis says:

    What makes me “wonder” is how people can start & maintain relationships if they are so shallow… Answer… Get with another shallow person… Anywho…

    Random Turnoffs…

    For Men…

    Sagging Pants… I know men do this to attract women… End of story… But the other side of the story is that this comes from a jail culture that gets promoted by Hip Hop…

    Anyways, ANY MAN that does this, is not leader, & not a man who thinks for themselves…

    Men who are Nice Guys who use their Niceness as manipulation…

    I am ashamed to say I used to be this guy, however I am much better now but still unattractive

    Men who make kids & don’t take care of them… (and women suck for this too…)

    As for women…

    Asian Women… I can’t do women with NO curves whatsoever… Unless she has money

    Women who put other women (& men) down… I know instantly, if you are a woman who does this, you lack self esteem… And I cannot deal with a woman with chronic LSE…

    Shallow women… This is sad because 80% of the physically dateable female race falls in this category… But at least they have a place I can c*m at & bounce when need be…

    Women (& men) who play games with feminism & equal rights for women… These types of women has caused alot of damage in relationships & the natural order of men & women… I hope that whole movement is a phase and will go away TOMORROW… (I can handle it for one more day though)

    These goes for both genders

    It turns me off when people who chronically paint themselves as victims…

    I will think of more if there is more to think of…

    • max says:

      Adonis, I think you missed the point of the exercise! It’s supposed to be random (i.e. unimportant) things that turn you off…not deep psychological issues.

      Oh and don’t think I didn’t catch how you called me shallow and then said shallow people turn me off. I see you.

    • melissa says:

      not all asian women are curveless….just saying.
      you haven’t met me.
      ask max. :P

      • max says:

        That’s right. Melissa has a banging body!

      • Adonis says:

        God bless you & all the Asians who have banging bodies… (Pics Please)

        God bless whoever fuckin’ you at night…

        One day I will be on the curvy Asian train… But right now… My focus is white women wholesale…

        Enjoy…

  • Malik says:

    No love for Michael Eric Dyson Max?

    1. Women who pretend to know anything about music. I’m sorry but 99.9999999% of women actually have terrible taste in music, but that’s okay. I just don’t like when when someone professes to be a hip hop head, but can’t name more than 4 people in Wu-Tang, or say they love soul and can’t name two tracks off of Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On, or they tell me they love RocknRoll but can’t name any bands that existed before Nirvana.

    2. Women who say they like to read but the only books they pick up are those generic ‘hood’ stories and Zane.

    3. Boston sports fans. Nuff said.
    4. Women who constantly bring around that one friend who isn’t ‘up to par’ with the rest of the group but keeps suggesting you hook her up with one of your friends because she has a ‘great personality’.

    5. Canadians speaking French. No, just please stop.

    • max says:

      Hahaha I love your list.

      Your #1 made me laugh because I’ve been there too many times. I love hip hop but I would never tell a man I’m a head because the first thing that always happens is they start expecting me to know all kinds of random facts about it to prove myself.

      And re: your #5 I can only say va te faire foutre. :)

    • G_Russ says:

      Hahaha…that’s a good list. The fake music lovers kill me. I don’t ask women to prove it, but when a classic track comes on, and she suddenly turns into a deaf mute it’s just plain embarrassing.

    • NaijaSweetz says:

      lol. I’m a French-speaking Canadian, but I know what you mean. You’re mad at the Quebecois. I wanted to hurt each and every single one I met when I first got to this country. Of course, I’m used to it by now, and it’s a good thing because I have to speak with them daily.

  • Cheekie says:

    Them shoes, doe. *shakes head so fast, causing whiplash*

    Unimportant and random ish that turn me off…

    The “deep, but not really all that deep” brotha: The very tone these mofos use when trying to “enlighten” me makes me cringe. And the ish they’re talking about smells like the crap that comes out of a bull when it’s constipated. Have about 3 or 4 seats, sir.

    A man that breathes out his mouth. UGH that shit irritates me. Quite neurotic, but that’s me. lol

    Too flashy. So, you Ed Hardy mofos can make an about-fucking-face.

    I can’t think of anymore… it’s Friday Eve! *scopes out manmeat*

    • Kema says:

      “A man that breathes out his mouth.”

      Maybe I’m neurotic too but I find myself just listening to him breath with disgust. lol! But I also think I have misophonia. I also cant stand the sound of someone chewing with their mouth open.

      • Cheekie says:

        OMG, there is a name for that?! ‘Course there is. I need a WebMD app. Anyway, I’ve ALWAYS gotten the heebie-jeebies from noisy eaters (especially ones who do so wif their mouf open).

  • Flyy says:

    AMEN and PRAISE HIM to the bad shoes. LAWD!!

    The man who got the best rise out of me? He was giving me a tour of his house, we got the closet and he opened it to show me his AMAZING shoe collection. I mean shoes stacked 6 boxes high… pictures facing outwards going from left to right across the closet… From workout shoes, to basketball shoes, to Jordans, to casual/dressy, to regular dress shoes. I melted on spot. I knew he was soulmate right then and there.

    And he had a great accent. Hmph. Being from the good ol’ US of A… I looooove a man w/ a southern accent. I mean some people think I’m country, but if you manage to sound more country than me? You win.

    Oh… this was supposed to be about my turn-offs and not the one man who turned me allllllla way on? True.

    09. Rude Men. I cannot and I won’t. Sarcasm is one thing but you are sarcastic to the point that you make other people uncomfortable – I can’t get w/ you.

    10. High Strung Men. RELAX… I promise it’ll be fine.

    11. Slumped Shoulders. Stand like a man, chest out shoulders back!

    13. Chapped Lips. nuff said.

    14. Nail Biters/Fat Fingers/Dirty Fingernails; I just can’t with either of these.

    • Lidia-Anain says:

      LMFAO! Your list is looking a lot like mine would. I agree with you to the point I am going to copy and paste part of your list and use it to answer reply to this post in a timely fashion.

  • SmartFoxGirl says:

    Wow, I cosign everything on your list…all of it. Thos are all of my turn-offs. I guess I’m a snob but I can’t help it. I thought I was the only one who isn’t a fan of accents…except Idris in Takers. Lawwwwwd. I love Jamaican accents but I’m biased. :) Trinis can get it with the sing song but there are a slew of accents I can’t stand. Also, I always look at a man’s shoes and hands. (after his face) His friends will always represent him in some way and his vocab better not have me thinking “gimmie a break”. Good list.

    I’d like to add ashy ankles and bad breath.

  • Reecie says:

    good list. I’m impressed by men with nice shoes–varied styles not just a fly sneaker game and a weak loafer game. diversify! I also have a few guys in my life that I consult for my own shoes–a man that can tell a woman thats a hot shoe is a good look IMO.

    I happen to adore accents, most of them anyway but yeah I feel you on the butterfly collars and the corny friends too–but I will still give a guy with corny friends a chance. I mean, I’m not dating their friends! lol

  • Renè says:

    Turn-offs: Men who keep their nails or perm their hair. Also I hate the men who can’t hold a conversation without leaving out the “You know what I’m saying” line. Really annoying.

    Turn-ons: Bald guys

  • Liguanea says:

    1. Anyone who says that they are making moves.

    2. People who claim to be from the Caribbean but only lived there til the age of 5 or never lived there at all. You are from Jamaica, Queens and that accent you speak with isn’t always on. Has anyone ever noticed that only the children of Caribbean immigrants have accents. I’ve never met the child of an African who had their parents accent. Same goes for any other immigrant group.

    3. People from the Caribbean who refuse to acknowledge the supremacy of Jamaica and Jamaicans

    4. A woman who claims to be funny.

    5. A woman with bad posture.

    6. People who don’t understand that Anita Baker is a better artist than Whitney Houston.

    • Kema says:

      “You are from Jamaica, Queens and that accent you speak with isn’t always on. Has anyone ever noticed that only the children of Caribbean immigrants have accents.”

      I never thought of that. It’s funny… I AM from Jamaica, Queens. I always felt left out because I didnt get my daddy’s Jamaican accent. But my cousins that have both parents from Jamaica do. I dont think they ‘try’ though.

    • Malik says:

      The supremacy of Jamaica? Child please. Aren’t you the same people who were rioting in the streets when your country’s biggest/most violent drug lord was arrested?

      • Liguanea says:

        No Sir. Those were the people of Tivoli. No one else was rioting. Didn’t matter for much though, he’s gone now. Besides, Dudus was never the country’s biggest criminal or drug lord.

        @Kema

        The thing I noticed is that, at least with Jamaicans, they confuse the Jamaican accent with patois. They are not the same thing. I’m pretty sure your father always speaks with an accent, even when he speaks perfect English. That’s the issue for me, i should always be able to hear your accent. Other immigrant groups speak the language of their parents but they don’t adopt the their parents’ accented brand of English. The reason for this in my opinion is there is no social value. I have friends who grew up in Chinatown, but when they speak English they sound nothing like their parents, even when they are surrounded by other Chinese. The same goes for my friends who are the the children of Indian immigrants. When they speak English they do not speak with a Punjabi or Bengali accent. How is it that in America people whose parents are from the south, but are raised in DC or NYC, do not have southern accents? So my question is, why don’t they adopt their parent’s accent the same way Caribbean kids do?

        • Malik says:

          Just a light chin check kind sir, I have love for all West Indians. I believe Caribbean kids (well the ones from the English speaking islands) are more apt to fake an accent as it is the only way to vocally show people that you still have roots there. The other examples, except for Southerns but their culture is carried in behavioral ways, that you used each have their own languages that they can fall back on as part of their culture.

          • Liguanea says:

            What do you mean when you say behavioural? We have cultural practices.

            • Malik says:

              Well it was more of an opposite scenario for me, northern kid going to school in the south. Like people would say ‘hi’ to you that you don’t know. If it was hot outside and you were walking somewhere you would get offered car rides there to stay out of the heat. When they talked about their families, they literally meant their entire family with aunts, uncles, grandparents, 1st, 2nd, and 3rd cousins from both sides of their family.

              I probably didn’t notice much difference from the West Indian kids because they were either from NY or the fact that I’ve lived/visited NY my entire life and been around them that nothing ever seemed different about them in comparison to the southern folk.

        • Kema says:

          Oh ok I feel you… I think its like Malik stated… “…fake an accent as it is the only way to vocally show people that you still have roots there. ”

          No my cousin doesnt speak patois she just clearly has an accent. Also I may have spoken patois if my father had while I was growing up. I think Jamericans alternating patois and and the regular way they speak is the same as those who are fluent in ‘hood speak’ but can also speak proper English.

    • MeteorMan says:

      I always wondered. Did the desire to be considered superior always exist or was that something learned from the Europeans?

  • IrieDiva says:

    lawd lets not today with the Jamaicans. that was all too extra talking bout supremacy…no wonder we getting “finger raped” by immigration officers left and right…

    and the handful of people you saw rioting don’t speak for the 3 million people that live here. back to the turnoffs nuh

    i can’t stand a man with an s-curl. are we still in the 80s? LAWD

    bleached out hair men a la wiz khalifa can miss me too.

    • Liguanea says:

      @IrieDiva

      It was only meant as a joke and besides, none of what happened to that poor woman is new. That stuff has been going on for decades. Some Bajans can’t stand Jamaicans, Guyanese, Trinis, etc.

  • fixedwater says:

    ^^^pointing at pic^^^ what the fcuk are those?! I mean I know you said those are shoes but really, are guys really wearing those on their feet! Ugmoes (maybe it’s the angle)

  • Menelaus says:

    1. Popeye’s biscuits. I love them at Popeye’s, but when the bottom of your feet are flaky, dry and look like biscuits… I’m turned off.

    2. Loud People. OMG, I had to deal with this for a long time once. This chick was a champ in the sack, but I would have to do “stuff” like take her out before she would get down in the sack. I would always try and take her somewhere off the strip, but then she would talk loud enough for even Elvis to hear her prayers.

    3. I said I don’t like, but you insist – Anytime someone is trying to tell me that I just ain’t had it the right way, I get turned off. Real spit, I don’t like mashed potatoes. I won’t like it no matter how you cook it, your grandmother probably real nice, but it’s not for me. Same with things like boyshorts. You just ain’t seen the right ass in them. Actually I have. And I don’t think you gonna outdo her, but you know what, me and that girl settled for commando FTMFW. And… I’m not Chris Brown, but if you try and toss my salad, you getting punched in the head.

    4. Wedges. Hate them. Think it’s laziness, can’t think of a pair that have ever turned me on. Don’t do it to yourself.

    5. Bad makeup – I know your dress is purple and yellow, but your face should not look like a comic book character called Killingspree. Some chicks take eye shadow way too far. And some people look like ghosts. That’s right I said, ghosts. Never use to much foundation. And learn your shade and that it changes with the season. I know you said that Bobbi Brown gotta last, but damn.

    5b. And do me a favor, makeup is like lotion. Don’t just put the lotion on your legs and stop at your ankles, keep it going to the toes. When you put on make up avoid that unsightly line around your jaw bone, blend blend blend it until you get to your natural complexion and skin.

    I ain’t even speak on pencil skirts and maxi dresses yet.

    • Lidia-Anain says:

      Please speak on those maxi dresses! They make women look awful. I own a couple and only wear them IN my house and not one step outside of my home. Not even to get the mail.

      Some women can really rock a pencil skirt though. I am not one of them though.

    • max says:

      I’m with you on #3. I think I started to love you the day you told me the story of someone forcing you to eat something and you vomiting on the table. It’s obnoxious to pressurize people to eat shit they don’t want to eat.

      And I haaaaate wedges. And maxi dresses.

  • melissa says:

    lol. i once went out with this guy that was 2 of your turnoffs rolled into one. he had a english accent, which was probably his only redeeming factor. but when we met for drinks for the first time, in the summer, he showed up in brown leather sandals.sooo bad. i should have stopped it right there but i went out with him another time and he wore tan suede boots. i mean, honestly! it was horrible. i think i just tried to make it work because his accent was nice but even that could not make up for 2 shoe strikes against him.

  • Tellylonglegs says:

    “my shit is going to dry up faster than an uncapped paint pot”
    iCan’t

    You’re going to have me looking at everyone with their collar shirts. 

    A turn-off I would include:

    Guys who brag about how good looking they are or how much money they make. I can’t stand this.  

  • Lidia-Anain says:

    Max, the last two items on your list were things that would also bother me. I personally have way too many shoes but could care less about a man’s shoes. There was a time though that I did care very much about how a man dressed but that was replaced with my need for men to be manly!

    1. MEN WHO CAN’T FIX SHIT! – I don’t play with power tools, I refuse to lift heavy objects, I don’t want to change the oil in my car, and if something in the house breaks I need “him” to fix it. Yes, if something breaks while he is around and he can’t fix it…I am instantly turned off. No recovering from this one! I’m sorry I need a manly man that is handy and can be my Mr. Fix It!

    2. Chapped Lips or any kind of ashy! – I like for my men to be handy and manly but that doesn’t mean they can’t take care of their skin…especially their lips! I’m going to need “him” to always lotion up after his showers and make sure his lips are smooth.

    3. Nail Biters/Dirty Nails – I’ve been with a man that has worked a hard labor job and still maintained his nails clean. It took extra work but he always came to the dinner table with clean nice looking hands.

    4. Men that take longer to get ready than I do or spend more time than I do in front of a mirror! – I dated a guy like this once it was exhausting. For me getting ready involves taking a shower, getting dressed, doing my hair and putting on some lipstick/lipgloss…out the door. I don’t want to wait on a man that takes twice as long as I do to get ready or that looks at himself all day in the mirror.

  • CF8 says:

    Even though I recently came back from the Caribbean after a year there, I’m not Caribbean so I’m steering far away from that discussion.

    Ouch on the shoes… I’m a guy who likes having one or two pairs of good shoes and wear them regularly. I’m simplistic with the shoes. Unashamedly, sadly.

    At least I survive on the accents bit. I’ve lived in so many countries that my accent is actually neutral. Weirds people out as they can’t tell where I’m from through my speech.

    My instant turn-offs… hmmm

    Saying a stupid comment and not caring that it was stupid (see, one can be clueless in something, but exhibiting pride in ignorance is an immediate turnoff)

    Excessive make-up: No no noooooooo

    Rudeness: Some girls exhibit it as if it shows some sort of strength. But not only do they appear like they’re insecure, it’s incredibly, incredibly unattractive

  • Ari says:

    1. I cannot stand to hear people chew. Something about it grates my nerves and grosses me out. I have to leave the table when I’m eating with my own grandmother because it is so foul.

    2. Men who wax or shave. You’re a man, it’s supposed to be there. If you’re bald where I’m bald…#suspect.

    3. Constantly talking about your ex or asking about my ex. Look, it’s in the past, leave it there! I’m not going to judge you for things you’ve done before you even knew I existed. RELAX, you can’t change it so stop thinking about it.

    4. People who talk loud. I am right here & can guarantee that the entire city does not care.

    5. Lakers/Kobe and/or Celtics fans. You don’t have to love the Lakers or Kobe (although, why wouldn’t you?) but you can’t talk shit about either in front of me, especially during games. The only thing worse than being a LAL/24 haters is being a Celtics fan. We can’t even be friends.

    6. Men who wear anything that sparkles.

  • OhMyGodYes says:

    1. Cheap a$$
    2. Men that get drunk and embarrass yo a$$
    2. Ol Ed Hardy, tight shirt wearin a$$
    3. Always looking at yo cell phone to see if you missed a call a$$
    4. Playing some ol wack a$$ R. Kelly loud as h$ll when I’m in the car a$$
    5. Shaving yo chest hair a$$
    6. Dusty apartment havin a$$
    7. corny line sayin a$$
    8. Ol not knowing how to kiss a$$

    That aint all but that’s enuff

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