It’s that time of year again. Nominate me for a Black Weblog Award please. Go here to get all the instructions and ish. And tell a friend to nominate me too!
As you guys know, I’m a girl who gets turned on quickly. All it really takes is
a quick peek at Paddez’s tumblr, a well-timed “whilst”, a deep v-neck tee, or some box-fresh Air Force ones to send me off to the races. But like anything that ignites quickly, the fire of my lust fickle and can be instantly squelched by any number of innocuous and random-ass qualities. And once the fire is out, you’re gonna have to work overtime to get it lit again.
Allow me to share with you my dear readers, my random-ass instant turn-offs.
1. Bad Shoes
I feel like I’ve been all over the internets proclaiming my distaste for corny shoes, but allow me to break it down one more time for you. A man who wears ugly shoes will never be Mr. Max. A man who wears cheap shoes will never walk beside me. A man who wears the same shoes day in and day out will not pass go. And a man who cannot understand why I own so many shoes will be ejected from my lifespace. Instantly and permanently.
Here’s the thing – it’s not hard to dress well if you’re a man. It’s really not. Their options are pretty finite. So what a man chooses to do with his footwear says a lot about him. And if a man is comfortable with conveying the message that he is the type of dumbass who thinks these Adidas Kobe II joints are a good look, I just cannot rock with him. I cannot and I will not.
Actually now that I think about it, my distaste for bad shoes is gender-agnostic. Meaning that I will no sooner fuck with a woman in ugly or cheap shoes than I would with a man. Bad shoes offend me.
I know a lot of ladies love accents. Some girls are roaming the earth searching for a particular accent and not much caring about the particulars of the man behind it. Me? Not so much. The only time an accent gets me instantly revved up is when it’s a Black man with a British accent (hello, Idris!). Everything other than that is on a strictly case-by-case basis. Well, except for the accents I fucking hate. Those are grounds for instant disqualification. But I’m not saying which ones those are – I’m not trying to get stoned on these e-streets.
Call me what you will, but there are certain nationalities that will instantly lower a man’s rating with me. It may amuse you all to know this but, despite the vast number of American friends I now have, American men are usually throwaways with me. When I think “American man” my mind goes two places: 1. That Estelle song that I fucking hate 2. Greasy, slimy dudes in white polyester suits with red shirts opened to reveal chest hair that resembles an ant colony with shiny s-curl hair and red alligator-skin Stacy Adams. Blame this on the fact that I grew up close to Michigan and my first trips to the US were to Detroit. Either way, if you tell me you are from one of my list of no-fly countries you will be instantly removed from thronx consideration.
5. Butterfly’d collars
This is another gender-agnostic one. There is nothing that offends my eyesockets more in life than when someone is wearing a collared button-down inside a collared blazer and they open the inside collar out over the outside one. Or they’re wearing a collared shirt inside a crewneck sweater and fold the collar out over the neckline of the sweater. Ugh! I swear to you, my chest is starting to get tight just thinking about how much I effing hate this look.
I mean really – look at this heinous shit:
As my home Streetz would say, “shyts disgustin”.
Dear world: your collar is supposed to stay inside. I don’t know why, but it is. If I see you with your collar folded out over anything I cannot and will not look at you.
6. Corny-looking friends
Ladies have you ever been out and spotted a seriously sexy dude across the room? But as you move in on your reconnaissance mission you notice that the circle he’s rolling with is filled with corny-looking dudes? This is such a tragedy. The younger Max believed that you needn’t judge a man by the company he keeps and that just because a man is surrounded by herbs, doesn’t necessarily mean he is a herb himself. The older Max knows better than this. A man who can tolerate being surrounded by a large amount of fromage can be nothing but fromage himself and must be discarded. Trust me on this.
7. Unnecessary use of big words
Everyone knows I love big words. But I also love simplicity and authenticity. So if I’m in a conversation with a man and he starts complimenting me on my pulchritude, my shit is going to dry up faster than an uncapped paint pot because I know this man is only using that word
because he read that big words make my panties drop and he’s trying to fast-track a beat to impress me. Nothing says poseur to me like having a man drop an SAT word for no good reason. And nothing turns me off faster than a poseur. Well except bad shoes. Oh and butterfly’d collars. Well, anyway. You get what I’m saying.
So that’s my list – what say you guys? Anyone feel me on these random turn offs? I know The Most Interesting Man in the World feels me on at least one. What are your random instant turn offs? Speak on it in the comments.