Am I the only one who is excited about this? Oh. Well let me tell you guys this – this is a big fucking deal because I have never in my life worked out consistently for more than six weeks straight before saying “eff this shit I’m hot enough already” and packing it in. Even when I was a big girl. So for me to be able to say that I have gotten up off my narrow ass and voluntarily inflicted pain on myself no fewer than four times a week for the last six months is a big fucking deal. So get excited already!
And now that I’m all smoking hot and shit, a lot of people have been asking me what I’ve been doing and I realized that I have somehow stumbled upon an outlook and a strategy for getting in better shape that actually makes a bit of sense. In typical Max fashion it’s a little hairbrained and random, but if you want the serious stuff you can go check my boy Streetz’s site – he has a tonne of fitness info on there and his advice definitely makes more sense than mine does.
For those of you who prefer a more haphazard approach, here’s the official Max Workout plan to get you in better – but not necessarily good – shape.
1. Pick something in your life that would be easier or better if you were in better shape
Some people might pick their commute – those stairs in the subway station are murder if you’re not in shape. Or maybe holding your baby nephew. Or nature walks. Whatever it is, focus on how much easier it would be for you to do this thing if you worked out and let that help you stay motivated.
Me? I picked sex. Of course I did – are you surprised? I just think about how much greater I am in bed when I’m strong and flexible (and how much hotter I look naked) and that will propel me off the couch faster than you can say “she’s a nympho”.
2. Don’t talk about it, be about it
This was a big one for me. In the past I would put on my workout clothes, sit down at my computer to tweet about the workout I was about to do, and then get caught up in the vortex of the internet and next thing you know two hours have gone by and I’ve exercised nothing but my clicking finger. My new policy is work out first, tweet later.
4. Don’t underestimate the power of vanity
Although I don’t like to think about fitness in terms of how it’s going to make me look and instead focus on how I feel, I’d be lying if I said that my head doesn’t get gassed up by the site of my newly-defined body. You guys do not want to know how much time I spend looking at my new muscles in the mirror, flexing and turning myself around to see all “the little lines” as I like to call them. I’ve taken to wearing a bra and low-rise shorts while I get ready for work so I can keep one eye on my epic abs in the mirror. This might make me sound like an egomaniac, but the fact is that when the health benefits of working out won’t get me out of bed, how good I’m gonna look in a bikini this summer will. That’s for real.
5. Pick your poison
Think of one thing in life that you do even though it’s unhealthy. Maybe you’re a smoker or a drinker or you stuff too many sno-balls down your craw. You know you need to stop but you’re a slave to your habit. Use your workouts as a bargaining tool. If i do __ number of squats I can eat this, or drink that or whatever. No workout, no ding dongs. It totally works. Plus the more you work out and the better you look and feel the less you’re gonna want that shit. Trust me.
6. Dress slutty and look in the mirror
You might think that this only works for skinny bitches such as myself, but I think it works for everyone. Put on something you feel hot in and get going and once the sweat starts dripping you will get turned on by yourself. Believe you me. And once you become addicted to the look and feel of yourself as this sexy workout goddess, you’ll keep going, if for no other reason than to feed your ego.
To help speed this process along, once you’ve put on your sexy workout clothes, get in front of the mirror. Watch yourself closely when you work out. Watch your muscles flex. It makes you
horny feel stronger and it makes it seem like your workouts are accomplishing something.
7. Track your progress
This is probably the only point I’m absolutely serious about, because it is so real. keep a log, take pics and measurements. But don’t weigh yourself unless you have a death wish. When you see that three weeks ago you could only do 3 push ups and now you can do 10 you’re gonna feel yourself. And between you and me, sometimes I get up and work out for no other reason that the fact that I get to enter it in my workout log. I swear.
So there you have it – my foolproof plan to help you get motivated to work out if you are a flopshow like me. But what about you guys – do you have trouble getting motivated to stay in shape? What tips do you have to share? Anyone do the bizarre shit that I do?
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