Somebody Else’s Man

18
Apr
2011
cheating

Confession: I have a thing for your man. Well not yours necessarily, but someone’s man. I don’t know what it is or when this started, but I’m realizing in my old-ish age that I have a real fascination with men who are spoken for. As a matter of fact, know what I’m probably doing while [...]


Confession: I have a thing for your man. Well not yours necessarily, but someone’s man. I don’t know what it is or when this started, but I’m realizing in my old-ish age that I have a real fascination with men who are spoken for.

As a matter of fact, know what I’m probably doing while you’re reading this? Having some kind of nearly-inappropriate conversation with someone’s man. At the time that I wrote this, there are no fewer than 6 boo’d up men that I am in regular contact with. And while my conversations with these men are largely harmless, I do have to wonder what it says about me that I have such a fondness for taken men. Not that I’m a cheater or a home-wrecker, nothing of the sort. I’ve never knowingly been the other woman or tried to steal someone’s man although I am tempted to now that my lover NC-17 has provided me with this brilliant how-to guide.

Most of my interaction with my stable of spoken-for men is virtual and therefore largely harmless. There’s rarely any innuendo and no one is confessing any secret feelings. The vast majority of the time, these conversations are 90% shooting the shit and 10% flirting. But still, their frequency – and the fact that they’re likely kept secret from the men’s significant others – adds an illicit nature to them that I find disconcerting. But also thrilling.

I don’t know what it is about me that is so drawn to other people’s men. I don’t know why a conversation about music with a man with a girlfriend is so much more exciting than the exact conversation would be with one of my homeboys. I don’t know why a compliment from someone’s husband carries so much more weight than the very same compliment from a random. But I know that it is and it does.

To a lot of people, my fondness for taken men is probably indicative of some deep psychological issue. Some people would probably say I have low self-esteem and don’t think I’m worthy of a man of my own. Other people would probably say it’s a control issue, or a way to avoid really getting close to anyone. And while it’s possible that some or all of  that is true, I think the real explanation is a lot more simple than that. I’m just a habitual line-stepper, to quote one of my favourite people.

I like to push boundaries.  I like knowing that I am so alluring that a man is willing to jeopardize his happy home to be around me. I like to see how far off the path I can inspire someone to go.

In my head though, there is a clear line in my head that I am not willing to cross. As much as I shun marriage and monogamy in my own life, I respect its constraints. And I’m not about to invite bad karma onto my head by knowingly and willingly entering a relationship with someone’s man. But the thing is though that my restraint is really only as good as that of the taken man with whom I’m flirting. And so far I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never been pushed to take that second step over the line. I really don’t know what I would do if any of them ever really tried.

But as long as I’m not boning these men, am I doing anything wrong? If he’s not telling me the nasty things he wants to do to me, is he violating the terms of his relationship? My barometer of appropriateness has always been to imagine what would happen if I were this man’s woman overhearing our conversation. If I think I would be okay with it, I give myself a green light. If not…well to be honest, if not I still give myself a green light, I just know that it’s a green light into the land of inappropriate behaviour.

What do you guys think? Is it okay for a single woman to have frequent contact with a man in a relationship if they are not friends or relatives? Am I really crossing lines or am I worrying too much? What are your standards of behaviour with spoken-for wo/men? Speak on it in the comments.

 

 



60 Comments

  • Lidia-Anain says:

    You are a beautiful, smart and alluring woman but this right here, “I like knowing that I am so alluring that a man is willing to jeopardize his happy home to be around me. I like to see how far off the path I can inspire someone to go,” doesn’t bode well in my head. You’re one step from aiding and abiding several men from emotionally cheating on their significant others. What is wrong w/ the relationships of men that spend time “virtually” or otherwise w/ you isn’t your fault but you’re providing them a distraction that doesn’t allow them to work on the problems.

    That line I quoted to me is the equivalent of someone lighting a match in the forest and saying, “but I know better than dropping it and running!”

    Max, there are too many fine unspoken for men who would love for you to play with their mind’s…leave the spoken for ones alone. Let them focus on fertilizing, watering and mowing their lawns…stop being that greener grass…or the illusion of.

    • Adonis says:

      It is about time LA showed her face around these eStreets…

      You are still a punk for running telling me how feminist you are, and then when I ask you about it you RUN & HIDE…

      I disagree with your stance… And I will explain in the bottom…

      • max says:

        Adonis no name-calling or I’ll block you.

        • Adonis says:

          Yea, ur right… Sorry Auntie Max… I’m just glad I got my point across

          • Lidia-Anain says:

            Adonis? Is that even your real name? I’d adress you…if adressing little boys that sit home in Queens ALL day and read blogs were the sort of thing I did. The only point you ever make Dahling, is that you have no valid point. Now go run tweet that since you’re so brave behind that keyboard!

            Does anyone know this dude IRL? Anyone?

            • Adonis says:

              Let me help you LA… And I am little insulted by the “Keyboard brave” talk

              San Francisco is only a plane ride away & finding you is a PI away

              my name is Theoné Adonis Ash… If you want my Gmail… I will send it through Max, and you can do the proper searches you need to…

              I am easily found, and I can be easily seen…

              Don’t test me & don’t underestimate me…

              It is not a game…

              • Adonis says:

                @LidiaAnain
                @maxfab lol! Girl, that fool better leave me alone before I fly into LGA, drive to Queens and fuck him in the ass w/ his own d*ck!

                @maxfab
                Um @LidiaAnain? You’re winning right now. For real.

                Please tell this woman to STAND DOWN…

                But at least a feminist has some balls to come out and see me & let her goons do it…

                THAT, I respect… I hope you follow through…

              • Lidia-Anain says:

                So. Big. Brave. Of. You. Threatening a 4′ 8″ woman over the internet. I live in Discovery Bay baby boy. Come find me. I have a six foot man that speaks for me. Dogs, that don’t bark but bite. Guns, that are permitted and that I learned to use in the Air Force. And a boat docked in my backyard. Come and catch me if you can.

                By the way I’ve screen captured your comments and I’m thisclose to filing a restraining order against you. You think people respect you in these e-streets but everyone is laughing at you behind your back. They just appreciate the comments and clicks you bring…

                • Adonis says:

                  So. Big. Brave. Of. You. Threatening a 4′ 8″ woman over the internet.

                  Now you are talking sense now… It is not a game… I’m glad we are back to being a woman… And I will treat you as such… I knew there was some Napoleon Complex going on over there…

                  I live in Discovery Bay baby boy. Come find me. I have a six foot man that speaks for me. Dogs, that don’t bark but bite. Guns, that are permitted and that I learned to use in the Air Force. And a boat docked in my backyard. Come and catch me if you can.

                  Duly noted… And I will account for that

                  By the way I’ve screen captured your comments and I’m thisclose to filing a restraining order against you.

                  Cool, Fine. Do you worst. Stop trying to be a man… I will not treat you like one…

                  You think people respect you in these e-streets but everyone is laughing at you behind your back. They just appreciate the comments and clicks you bring…

                  I don’t play in these eStreets for handclaps… O for respect… I came here to see where people’s head are at…

                  This feminist is a very interesting phenomenon… I am disappointed that you proclaim is proudly but yet when you get called out on it… You start RUNNING & HIDING… Very interesting…

                  Do your worst… Make it count…

                • keisha brown says:

                  4’8? you are pocket-sized! ;)

                  • Lidia-Anain says:

                    ::jumps into your pocket::grabs her Napolean complex and a pair of six inch stilettos cause I never leave home without them::peeks from pocket::

                    Asks, “Is the big bad man gone yet?”

                    • keisha brown says:

                      aww!! you fit perfectly!! lol.
                      im more focused on the shoes you got. 6″??? i would LITERALLY die. i think 4 is my max.

    • Adonis says:

      @LidiaAnain
      Y’all go to @maxfab’s site click her latest post & check how a man threatened me w/ violence in the comments.

      You gotta respect this woman’s PR game… But I will say this…

      You cannot jump and want to be like men, and then point out how much a woman you are…

      That is my main gripe with women wanting to be equal with men…

      Now, I am going to watch the fireworks display

      @Malik I agree bro… I just needed a point across, and I did it in Spectacular As$hole fashion…

      http://max-logic.com/2011/03/14/the-spectacular-asshole/

  • Riley says:

    I am going to agree with Lidia.. you do not want to go there.. there are plenty of men out there that you can choose from. Do not put yourself in this situation with these guys because that chick Karma.. she is a mutha….

    Do not mess up happy or unhappy homes. It always comes to bite you on your..

  • NC17 says:

    OPP. Naughty By Nature said it best. The best sexual relationships I had were with women who were taken. It’s the perfect scenario because everyone knows the rules, this bullshit called romance that complicates things is out the window because they have someone they’re with and have no plans to leave them. you say you like the allure of pushing boundaries and that’s the excitement of situations like that. You’re conquering someone else’s land, you’re good enough at what you do to make them fuck up a good thing. How cool is that!?! I don’t think you should shy away from being a Spartan if that’s your true personality. I’m sure people will try and guilt you with karma comments but fuck that, I support your campaign lover…

    • Tina says:

      This is very true also…. Spartan women did possess strength and courage! HA! I read the post on taking someone else’s man and made a mental note, NC17! Double standards on taking someones S.O. plague women. I’m sure if we could get away with it at the rate men do… it would happen more often.

    • Lidia-Anain says:

      Married or taken men and women are easy prey to conquer…usually. Anyone that has ever been a long-term relationship knows that while in it many things on the outside of it look like shiny. Those that are taken, unhappy and thirsty for attention can easily be led elsewhere…

      …Getting a single person with many options to drink from one’s fountain is very different…now that is a challenge!

      The single ones with options might not want to chat it up with a man/woman that only wants to “play” with them. But hey, the Spartans were known for their lack of sensibilities!

    • max says:

      All of this right here is why I will always line-step with you Baby.

  • Tina says:

    I think you’re fine as long as you know your boundaries and don’t allow the guy to cross them. Don’t allow the guy to be ur favorite person and blur ur vision when it comes to other men. I am currently in a similar situation and have been for a few months. I don’t know when I took a liking to an old co-worker but I did. At first we text multiple times a week ALL DAY and over time it has dwindled to once a week. I made a rule that we can’t talk on the phone… something about a man talking in my ear makes things 100% real & ignites a fire. Texting is my safe zone. I tried to find things I dislike about him to stop what I thought was an emotional relationship (and it very well may be but we don’t talk about that stuff so in my world it’s not).The to 2 of us just have a grand time chit chatting over text. Nothing raunchy about the conversations… just life, music, funny things that happened that week etc. I’m not concerned our convos like I was in the past b/c we (well, I did) set boundaries. It is what it is. I’ll let time handle when this harmless textship expires.

    • Starita34 says:

      Great point! Regardless of how the taken man and the wife/gf feel about this – it has a great chance of messing with the single lady’s mind. If these guys are fulfilling your emotional needs, it may retard your search for a man of your own to share these things with.

      I spent 18 months completely engaged with one man and played all other men off because he was fulfilling almost all of my needs. As amazing of a relationship as it was, he wasn’t mine and I shouldn’t have allowed him to fill that important role, because in the end he didn’t want it and instead of being 29 and looking, suddenly I’m 31 and still single…#Whomps

  • Drew-Shane says:

    I think it has a lot to do with respect. Not just respect for others but yourself. I know we all admire what’s not ours but I wouldn’t push the boundaries because I wouldn’t want the person I’m with to be tempted. Physical and mental weigh about the same. Just because you’re not boning a person doesn’t mean you don’t have a piece of them. I say keep it friendly. I’m a true believer in karma.

  • keisha brown says:

    my google reader is trying to tell me this. i open this post and then the next one is
    http://nwso.net/2011/04/17/how-do-you-define-cheating/

    hmm..

    Is it okay for a single woman to have frequent contact with a man in a relationship if they are not friends or relatives?
    in a naive world, i’d say sure it is. but since we know men aren’t friends with women they aren’t in some small way attracted to at best or trying to eff with at worse, it’s just asking for trouble at some point.
    *disclaimer: im speaking based on MY experiences and NOT generally for ALL women.

    Am I really crossing lines or am I worrying too much?
    you cant cross a line that someone doesn’t allow you to cross. but the fact you are asking questions shows you aren’t devoid of morals and values. ;)

    What are your standards of behaviour with spoken-for wo/men?
    it’s happened to me too many times (and as recently as friday), that a dude is engaging in flirty conversation with me, only for me to eventually ask/discover that he has a girl. he becomes dead to me. ok. not literally..but i go from dropping innuendo to doing the slow fade to block/purge/delete. i’d rather not deal with my potential catching of feelings or a case when your crazy girlfriend comes at me. non merci. do. not. want.

  • Starita34 says:

    It’s a slippery slope and as I tried to lay out my “rules” for dealing with taken men I realized that I don’t have any hard and fast rules. Pause? Everything that I started to type, I’d realize I’d made exceptions for…I guess because I know my intentions and my intentions are good, so I rarely worry about my interactions with the booed up fellas in my life.

    While taken men are very appealing, they are appealing in a “I hope to get a man like that some day”, not in a “I hope to get that man some day” because the whole thing that is appealing is that he’s in love and a good man – once it becomes about him and me, he’s no longer faithful and that’s not sexy to me at all. I’m not deluded enough to think that him and his wife’s love was canceled out because we had some laughs and I’m the woman he’s been looking for. It’s too late for that, he chose his woman. If it’s just a gf, I still need him to leave her for something about their relationship, not me, because being the other woman comes with some high expectations. He’ll always have “I left my girl for this!?!” in his back pocket…no thanks.

  • Adonis says:

    Good Morning…

    You know my stance on this… I am NOT responsible for other people’s relationships…

    I have friends & family I respect & those are the exceptions…

    Although I have not figured out how A WOMAN can keep a man from cheating by psychological warfare (I have as far as MEN keeping WOMEN from cheating…) I believe it that is possible…

    My issue comes in IS MAX… The “men in question’s” wives get to sleep in the SAME bed with these said men everyday… (well in some marriages they sleep in the same house, not beds)

    They should have the MOST influence over these said men… They should be puttin’ in work to keep these said men happy…

    If these said men are coming to you for happiness… That is on the WIVES… Not you…

    And if you like Married d!ck/pu$$y, go for it… Just make sure you size up the WOMAN first… to see how crazy she is…

    I don’t want you going missing… You have a blog I like to read…

    Adonis

  • Cheekie says:

    Yeah, while I’ve never crossed the ultimate line with someone else’s man, I almost did. In fact, someone else’s man was THIS close to de-flowering me. It was a fuzzy situation in the first place since they were off one second, on the other… which is not something I’m saying to make myself feel better because I knew it was wrong. And dude was a club promoter… instant ho (not man-ho… HO) status. Glad I didn’t go there.

    Dodged so many dayum bullets. Oh, and he engaged to this same “situation” as I type. Mazel tov? ;)

  • Menelaus says:

    This is so ironic. I just had an awkward moment myself where I was talking to someone who is taken. I typically try and stop conversations at 1030PM with people in relationships. After hearing some female say in reference to her ex texting her at night: “When you text me at 1030PM, please take that to mean that a big screen flashes across the TV that says, “TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED FROM [name redacted]‘s EX!!!” Anyway last night, as it neared 1030, I was like, I gotta get ready to go… but I didn’t, ended up staying in the conversation until closer to 11.

    Timely post.

  • you’re a brave woman for putting that out there.

    i’ve had contact like the type you’re describing while in a relationship. did that make it right? nope. would i be upset if i found out my woman was having inappropriate relationships with another man? yep. which is why i cut off those type of relationships before things went too far.

    • max says:

      You know, for the first time ever I really vacillated a long time about posting this. I was like “this is very, very bad for business”. But then – I think it’s pretty much a wrap for me at this point anyway so I figured might as well go balls to the wall.

  • Malik says:

    I can’t really answer the question because I have no idea why I would want to be around someone constantly who isn’t either my friend, relative, or significant other. The only exception to this is someone in the workplace. Seems far too much like a liability than an asset.

    And as Lidia said, shit isn’t exactly complicated to ‘trap’ a man that’s in relationship. Last I recall, a certain president of the most powerful country in the world at the time risked his marriage and his presidency just get bj by some whale looking woman.

  • IrieDiva says:

    yeah I’m not down with this at all. if a man wants to cheat fine but it won’t be on my time no sir. i respect myself and my own needs too much and a taken man cannot fill my needs. does it feed my ego to know i’m “bad enough that a man will risk his happy home for me” no because as said before taken men can be the easiest to bag. i’ve always preferred to go after the players but thats a different hang up.

    will i flirt with a taken man. sure why not. i expect my man to flirt, he’s human. I flirt. i expect him to have boundaries and to know when to cut it off. us females catch feelings too easy and i expect him to know that and therefore not prolong said flirting so that it becomes a problem.

    too many females start with harmless flirting and then whaddya know you got a baby for a married man, you’re in hiding ,struggling, raising ya baby by yourself with some chump change he send every month. nawl.

  • As a married guy who’s always had tons of friendships with women, I’ll say this- some of the boundaries in your union are solid, and some are fluid. The solid boundaries are easy to identify and easy to protect yourself from crossing. When the solid boundaries are crossed, it usually happens by conscience effort. The fluid boundaries however, they’re not as easy to identify and sometimes those get crossed accidentally. When that happens, you have to just recognize that a boundary was crossed, and work hard to not do it again. Or keep doing it. Whatever floats your boat.

  • GirlSixx says:

    What do you guys think? Is it okay for a single woman to have frequent contact with a man in a relationship if they are not friends or relatives?

    Hmmmm.

    You know.

    If I was asked this question a little over a year ago (married then) I would’ve stood on my soap box and been like “Helll Nooooo”, because you are tampering with someone else’s relationship/home, etc. and all though it may seem like harmless flirtation to you (single) you don’t really know how that person (attached/LTR/boo’d up/Wife/Husband) is internalizing that, he/she can be reading into it on a different level. Even though you say there isnt any nasty/dirty talk taking place PLEASE BELIEVE the thoughts/fantasies are definitely swirling in their head.

    Now today as a SL I will say this, As long as you are keeping it PG-13 do you momma, because at the end of the day there is only two categories when it comes to relationships — MARRIED or SINGLE, (sidenote; I still say LEAVE MARRIED ALONE) but just know this. “How You Get Them is How You Keep Them” cuz shyte happens.

  • RedLady821 says:

    I think that I straddle a lot of gray areas and cross lines because I can. I am married, but I talk to other men. I talk to single men, married men, divorced men, whatever. The bottom line is that I’m not trying to hook up with any of them because I don’t have any desire to cross a boundary that far.

    I don’t do the flirting thing — just don’t — at the end of the day, I’m surrounded by men all of the time. My husband, my sons, their friends, the husbands of these friends of my sons etc. When I think about it, per capita, I have much more men around me than women on a regular basis. When you’re surrounded by men all of the time, like right now, glancing to my left there are 4 male teenagers sitting around talking about what they want to do next, play ball or go swimming. I’m on the internet and I just got finished busting pots for all of them. (i’m off from work this is their spring break).

    At the end of the day, when you are constantly surrounded by men, you know how they think and how they operate. It’s all ego and testosterone. Tread lightly and they will always protect you and stand up for you. Cross boundaries and you might get hurt. I choose not to get hurt. I like keeping the peace, but I also love the contact and communication. Is that weird?

    • Adonis says:

      I love all of this comment…

    • max says:

      I don’t think it’s weird I think it’s like you’re singing my life. I just have more men around me and I like it that way. And I’m all too familiar with the intricacies of men’s minds. I think I know enough not to get caught up in the “excitement” of my interaction with them.

      • RedLady821 says:

        Max I know you know what you’re doing. I am not even mad atcha. If I were single I would probably be playing a totally different game. I would probably be playing your game! I’m just sorry that I never got to use the word ratchet in this reponse…LOL. (wait, I just did!) LMAO.

  • Malik says:

    Beef is not what Jay said to Nas, beef is when working folks can’t find jobs.-Black Dante

    Can we get back to the conversation at hand? Also, Maxie, can I write a guest post if you don’t have an Any 10 tomorrow?

  • Slim Jackson says:

    This is quite the judgmental topic.lol

    It’s fine for women to be in contact with men in relationships, but the intention behind it (though never officially crossing the line) is what determines if it’s inappropriate or not. If a guy has female friends that really are harmless, he won’t have a problem mentioning them to his girl. If he knows the friend may be on the prowl or he’s contemplating slide tactics…well, we know how that goes.

    • max says:

      What about if you don’t have actual intentions but just….vague feelings of lust? Is that inappropriate? Just asking, not like I feel that way or anything…

  • HLBB says:

    Hmmmm.

    Having received a few requests from married men to be the outlet in their unhappy marriage without any encouragement from me (no flirting, barely any contact etc) I, as a result have done my best to refrain from engaging even mildly with any attached man.

    But this point being raised that it’s the “woman’s responsibility” (or the man’s) to KEEP their partner? Naaaaaaah. It’s called free will people. A ring does not tell me the person is married/committed, their actions do. If a person is going to step out of the boundaries of their relationship (everyone’s boundaries are different) that THIS is on them.

    If Max is flirting with a taken man and HIS wife/girlfriend is the kind of person who would be upset with that type of interaction, then the onus is on HIM to act within the boundaries in his relationship. How is Max (or any person in this scenario) supposed to know what the boundaries are? She said it herself… SHE only goes as far as SHE would be comfortable if she were the girlfriend in any of these scenarios.

    You can’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept.

    • Malik says:

      Every time I read something from you I just want to sit there and look at your face as you read it aloud. Fascinating person and all that jazz.

  • Muze says:

    i talk to men who are in relationships, but i am very careful to not broach certain subjects and steer clear of all flirtation, simply because i like to think the energy i put out is the energy i receive. i just don’t want to do anything to or with anyone’s man that i wouldn’t approve of if he were mine. i’m single now, but i don’t need any karma deciding to come back around when i decide am no longer. lol.

    when i was younger, my attitude was a little different, but i still tried to avoid placing myself in compromising situations with those that had boos.

    brave and honest post, i must say. lol

    • Adonis says:

      On that whole karma thing…

      Sometimes things happen to you, and you have never done that said thing to ANYBODY…

      How does that factor in…?

      But your point was WAVY

  • Niki says:

    I’ve read a few of your blog entries and I’m compelled to comment on this one. I think you’re very aware of the answer to your own question. I don’t know you and I can’t speak to your moral compass, but there are some lines that you just don’t cross and questionable actions that you don’t seek query or justification.

    It would be great if you added a follow-up post on emotional cheating. It’s probably just as damaging as physically cheating on someone.

    PS: I would advise against exposing your interest in other womens’ boyfriends. Lest, you’re ok without having girlfriends in your life.

  • CHeeKZ says:

    does anybody know what a cuckold is? Than you know how to feel about this topic. good Day Madame

  • hmmm… lol.

    This is interesting, Max.

    I think your intentions or your mind-set in regards to the man is what makes the situation inappropriate. Also, if/when you meet some of your boo’d up e-buddies, there is a possibility for some inappropriate ish to go down, then yeah, you should take a step back.

    Picture it, 2007. A good friend of mine finally gets the woman he wants and is now in a relationship. I fall allllll the way back. All the way back. I don’t call him as much, no iChat, and the tenor of our conversations change. Because I love him, I don’t want to be an obstacle in those early stages of the relationship. I invited him to my graduation, and he wasn’t able to come. And I’m glad he didn’t, because he later revealed to me that he would have cheated if he had come.. Fast forward 4 years, he’s engaged, and we are closer than ever. She has been great for him, and I don’t want to think about what would have happened if I hadn’t had fallen back, if our conversation remained dirty, if I was an emotional distraction for him.

    Now, this is may be a little different from your situation, though, I think the possible negative outcome remains the same.

    Last, but not least, how does this affect you emotionally, psychologically? What do you get out of the internet or telephone linestepping with spoken for men? And I ask this because there is always the risk that you’ll be the one who ends up getting hurt. You might be a G, but you’re still a woman, and sometimes, men touch us in ways we don’t see coming.

    Whatever you do, sugar, just be careful.


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