Confession: the comments on Monday’s post gave me a bit of a complex. Now I’m not the woman in the scenario, but I felt for her. Like I said, I’ve been in the situation of having a man inexplicably throw me shade after sleeping with me and I know very well that sick feeling when you’re wondering if you’re the cow he no longer wants because he got the milk for free. It sucks. This is why I advocate making a man wait for sex til you’re sure about him. So I really felt for the girl in the story. And when I was formulating my response it was not just to reassure her, but to reassure myself that it really is irrelevant whether the guy was using her, because if he acted like that he could really be nothing more than a douche.
Then here come you guys in the comments shattering my illusions with the suggestion that maybe it’s not so much that the guy is a douche as that he was disappointed by the sex. Maybe I’m an egomaniac, but I have never in my life attributed any post-sex action to the fact that the man did not like the dish I was serving (well, except this one time, but that doesn’t count). So secure was I in the epicness of my sex game that I recently had the following conversation via gchat:
Me: I think women either think they’re great in bed or they have no idea whether they’re good or bad
[Name Redacted]: Why is that?
Me: Oh I don’t know. How does a woman know if she’s really good in bed unless someone tells her?
[Name Redacted]: Um…Good point…
Me: You know what i think? I think I have a quality that makes men like fucking me…whether I’m actually making an effort to make it enjoyable for him or not.
…I think my pussy is like drugs to some dudes
but I’m not kidding
Oh when I think about how smug I was back then I could just cry.
Now thanks to all of you, I feel like I have to recap every sexual encounter I’ve ever had and assess my performance to see whether there are signs that the man was less than thrilled. I have to go back and discover whether I might be – gasp! – bad in bed. But how can I tell?
The easiest thing to do would be to go back and ask each man I’ve been with but I
can barely remember all their names I have a feeling I’d get very few honest responses. So my next course of action was to consult the experts, so I took this quiz and Cosmo called me a “Five-Star Sexmate”. Then – for good measure – I took their sex appeal quiz and they called me a “Shameless Siren”. I must be good, right?
Unfortunately, I don’t think I can put much stock in what the ladies over at Cosmo have to say. Being that they are, well, ladies. Who likely have never had sex with a woman and therefore are probably not the ultimate barometer of whether my sex game is on point. But if I can’t ask the men and I can’t ask Cosmo, how can I tell?
After hours of consternation, I’ve come to the conclusion that the standards for what makes a woman good in bed are pretty similar to the standards of what makes a man good in bed. And that is something I know a little bit about. For me, it all comes down to 5 things:
1. Enthusiasm – if you aren’t letting your partner know you’re enjoying what he’s doing, you’re probably bad in bed
2. Dirtiness – if you’re not at least a little bit nasty, you’re probably weak sauce in bed
4. Confidence – if you’re too shy to do it with the lights on, you probably suck. If you’re too chicken to be dirty, you likely suck. And if you’re too self-conscious to let loose and bust one, you definitely suck.
3. Participation – if you are a starfish, you officially suck in bed
5. Flexibility – I always put this on the list, for absolutely no reason other than that I am flexible. And therefore winning.
And by those standards, I’m officially great in bed. Whew! Crisis averted.
But what say you guys – do you think you’re good in bed? Why or why not? What are your standards of good in bed? And if you are a man who has slept with me and wants to give me feedback, please get at me. No strikethrough.
And one last thought – as I was finishing up this post one of my followers tweeted to me that “there’s no such thing as a woman being ‘bad’ if he finishes”. What do you guys think about that? Speak on it in the comments.