Did He Use Me for Sex?

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So I’m back with another reader advice question. Check out the question and my answer and then weigh in in the comments.

So I met this guy about 8 months ago through mutual friends. He lives a bit far away so I haven’t seen him, but we’ve been chatting online and texting each other regularly since we met. At first the conversations were just friendly but over time they got more intimate, I’ve sent him pictures and we’ve even had some great “faux” sex as you would call it.

Even though we’ve been talking for a long time, it’s always been kind of a mix between a platonic friendship and being on the road to a romance, but we never talked about where things might go. We talked a lot about what would happen if we saw each other again but we never made plans to meet up.

A few weeks ago we were both invited to a friend’s wedding in Montreal and a bunch of us went there for the weekend. It was weird because even though we both knew that we were both going to be there we hardly talked about it and didn’t make any plans to be alone. The first night we got there we both hung out with all of our friends and it was really fun. We spent a lot of time talking but not about anything special. He came back to my room in the hotel and even though things were awkward at first, we ended up having sex. He spent the night and in the morning we did it again and then had breakfast together and hung out and had a really great time. In the afternoon we went our separate ways and we all got together for dinner later.

At dinner things were a bit weird and he didn’t say much to me, but we were sitting far apart and there were always people around so I didn’t make a big deal about it. The next day was the wedding and he pretty much ignored me the whole time. We only talked in groups of people and he never said anything directly to me. This went on all night and even at one point one of our friends asked me if something was up between us because he seemed to be ignoring me. The next morning we all got together for breakfast before heading home and he was acting kind of normal, at least treating me the same as he treated everyone else.

Now that we’re both back home we’re still talking but something seems off. I just think it’s weird that after talking to someone for 8 months he would just have sex and completely lose interest, but I can’t think of any other explanation. What do you think?

Ah girlie you’re singing my life with this question. The last time I had to ask myself whether I’d just been used for sex it was a very similar situation  – someone who was all hot and sweaty to talk to me before but then seemed ever so slightly off afterward. Nothing kills a post-coital glow quite like this.

Based off what you’ve told me, it’s entirely possible that this guy was just using you for sex. It’s also possible that he felt awkward about it, or that he didn’t want to give anything away while you were in the midst of all your friends, or that he was taking time to figure out what the sex meant to him and what it might mean to you. Those are all distinct possibilities.

However – and please forgive me if I’m a bit harsh here – I think this guy is a bit of a dick. I mean, any man with the sense God gave a chicken must know that if he acts sketchy toward a girl the day after he fucked her for the first time, she’s going to think he was just using her. And if he know that and proceeds to act sketchy anyway, he’s probably a fucking douche. Even if he was feeling awkward or trying to hold things down, there are better ways than this to handle the situation. He could have sent you secret texts while you were out with all your friends so that you would know he was thinking of you, or better yet, he could have opened his pie hole and had a discussion with you about what the sex meant and where things might go from here and what, if anything, you should say to your friends. Wouldn’t that just have made everyone’s lives so much easier?

So was he just using you for sex? Maybe not. But I don’t really think it much matters anyway. At best this guy is a coward and a panty, at worst he’s a full-on prick. If you’re really concerned with finding out which he is, I say have a talk with him and try to get a sense of where his head’s at. But if it were me I’d just skip it altogether.

What say you, dear readers?


bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 35

  1. L Boogie says:

    I tend to agree with you here Max…I’m not one to have conversations when I feel like someone is just using me for sex. By the time I’ve figured that part out, I’m long past wanting to have the conversation with the person. If I do end up asking about it, it’s long after I’ve removed my feelings from the situation, and probably right around the time I start using them for sex.

    *shrugs*

    It seems like another classic case of non-communication becoming miscommunication. I never understand why it gets so awkward after two people have sex, especially if there was this influx of conversation before the act took place…but maybe that’s one of those things I’m not supposed to get.

  2. SunshyneG says:

    I agree with u Max. I don’t necessarily think he used her. I think it was just an awkward situation to begin with. They never discussed where they wanted things to go before sex, had sex, didn’t discuss it after sex and then had to spend the next 3 days together. Seems like girlie could have got most of her questions answered the morning after… but like you said homeboy should have stepped up to the plate sometime that weekend since HE was the one who started acting weird. But that’s assuming the girl didn’t start acting weird also. This post reminds me that *communication* is key.

    1. max says:

      Sunshyne….are you Hairlicious Sunshyne??

  3. *SHRUGGZ* says:

    I feel that you all should have had a clearer understanding of what your relationship was prior to the wedding. It seems like there was no clear communication of expectations between the two of you. Therefore, you cannot really say that he was using you in a sense. Seems like an “it is what it is” type of situation. But in your defense, he did handle the situation poorly, post-sex.

  4. Malik says:

    We need the readers feelings on the situation to get the entire pictures. I’m curious about whether he LITERALLY wasn’t saying anything to you or maybe you were so fixated on the night before that you expected him to have an entire interview with you about what ‘this’ means.

    Another important note, who invited who to your room? We readers need to know what YOU were doing AND thinking in addition to what he was doing. If you invited him to your room, then you since you initiated it you should of put on your big girl panties and said something to him afterwards.

    Maybe he was acting the way he did because of how you were acting. I’m not trying to play devil’s advocate, but before we condemn the man to jerk status we should at least get some idea about how how the writer handled the situation so we can at least hypothesize why he acted as she described.

  5. Danielle says:

    Now I know I can get standoffish because I’m trying to figure out what’s going. And maybe that’s what he was doing too. Like Malik said we have only one side of the story. Was ole girl looking at him with stars in her eyes after and he wasn’t sure what to do about? Or vice versa? Was the sex good? I know you did it twice but that don’t mean it was good. It could have just been that something to do. And yup, communication is the key. There should have been a contingency plan in motion for the possible of sex after meeting. If I’m sending a dude faux sex anything, chances are we f*ucking when we meet up. So before it goes down at least I need to know what I am going to do afterwards.

  6. QueenT says:

    She should just keep it real with herself..it probably didn’t mean as much to him as it did to her (that is just how men can be)..go on with her life..cease all contact…and if HE wants to talk to her…he will call her…or not.

  7. Britt says:

    This is my first time posting a comment on here, but I read it everyday. But I just feel compelled to say this. Maybe he did use her for sex, but he didn’t and started to act weird after they had sex because she was bad in bed. I’m just saying maybe he was feeling her, they had sex and it wasn’t up to his expectations. So instead of telling her this, he’s being a dick because it’s easier that way.

  8. “if he acts sketchy toward a girl the day after he fucked her for the first time, she’s going to think he was just using her. And if he know that and proceeds to act sketchy anyway, he’s probably a fucking douche”.

    That’s it right there.

    1. Flyy says:

      +1

      I’m inclined to just keep it moving…

  9. SunshyneG says:

    @ Max … no I’m not

  10. Tellylonglegs says:

    ” But if it were me I’d just skip it altogether.”

    I agree. She should just let this one go. There’s nothing he can say to excuse his actions so she needs to move on.

  11. Reecie says:

    “The next day was the wedding and he pretty much ignored me the whole time. We only talked in groups of people and he never said anything directly to me.”

    ultimate shade!

    hmm. I probably wouldve asked if everything was good between us. but yea hard to tell what the deal is without knowing all the details as Malik said. Shruggz made a good point also.

  12. Menelaus says:

    Sex was wack. End of discussion. That’s why he did that.

    1. GirlSixx says:

      +1

      Or she smelled like Hot Rotten Cabbage in her nether regions. *shrug*

    2. sanen85 says:

      This literally made me guffaw.

    3. Reecie says:

      yea I was thinking that too but I didn’t want to say so.

  13. RedLady821 says:

    I was just thinking that maybe the sex was no good and DR. J GET OUTTA MY HEAD AGAIN!

  14. I think this is a teachable moment for you and all the ladies reading. I think your weekend could have been way more enjoyable and way less stressful if you had just waited till the last night of the trip to sleep with homey. By sleeping with him that first night, he felt secured in the fact that he could move around a little, maybe explore the possibility of meeting someone new, knowing all the while that if he got really bored he could come hang out with you. If you wait till the last night you have time to get rid of some of the awkwardness you mentioned – potentially making for much better sex, and he has incentive to pay attention to you and keep you at the top of his priority list for the weekend. Most importantly, you both have the opportunity to see if the chemistry developed over the phone and via text is real and worth pursuing.

    1. BGirl says:

      Most, you are seriously my favorite E-Person. You make so much sense it’s ridiculous.

    2. Menelaus says:

      If you listen to Most you will end up somebody’s wife. But my only point is, everybody ain’t meant for that route. I would hate for a woman to be holding out waiting for a ring and just end up holding out until she dies.

  15. Renè says:

    Communication was missing from the start. And when you realised there was something off about his attitude, I don’t think anything stopped you from asking him what the problem was. Don’t make any assumptions.

  16. keisha brown says:

    hmm…
    this is an interesting post.
    honestly, ldr’s are only successful based on open, clear and consistent communication. both people have to be on the same page about the before, during and after.

    i think this dude is only an a$$hole if he made promises to her prior to visit. otherwise, they both got what they wanted (the physical). but is it a$$holish to be inside someone one day and ignore them the next? yes. even if the sex was bad, you don’t live in the same city and never have to see each other ever again. you can suck it up and be an adult for 24-48 more hours until you part ways.

    1. max says:

      See this is my thing! Even if the sex was bad – and I’m inclined to think that it was more inaugural than bad. Plus it takes two to make bad sex – that is no reason to flat out ignore the girl for the rest of the weekend. Unless the only use he had for her was sex, in which case he was just using her and he is a douche.

      1. keisha brown says:

        hmm…
        good pt on inaugural sex.
        no matter how much faux sex a couple may have, that’s not guarantee to translate into the spittage of hot fyah in real life.
        if anything nerves + anticipation might get the best of one or both parties.
        and since it takes 2 to tango, i concur that it also takes 2 to mess it up.
        a great dancer can teach a novice and help make up for the rookies errors….

  17. iriediva says:

    Most wins again. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it on the first night either cus im thinking to myself, what if he’s wack? what if he gets clingy? how will i ditch him?

  18. Malik says:

    He didn’t ignore her the whole weekend, they briefly spoke on the day of the wedding. And the day they left they had breakfast together, with a group, where things were ‘back to normal’.

  19. Hmmm I’m surprised with the attacks on the male. I agree he could have been more tactful but I also don’t think he did anything wrong. Well, besides act like a man.

    First, as TMIMITW pointed out above, the writer admitted they never clearly established where the “relationship” was or was not going. Thus, I think it was a mistake to have any expectation that it was going anywhere at all.

    Next, I think this is a common miscommunication between men and women BUT in my opinion, women put far much more emphasis on the passage of time than men. A man can talk to a woman for 8hrs, 8 months or 8 years and still have no real interest in pursuing a relationship or, as the case may be, more than sex.

    I feel it’s unfair to say he “used” her for sex when both parties actively participated in having sex without ever talking about whether there would be anything more than sex. This all could have been avoided or at least mediated if said discussion had taken place beforehand. Its my general rule of thumb that sex will NEVER simplify a relationship.

    Blah blah blah, communication is key. Sorry to say, since sex was had before that crucial conversation took place though, this particular relationship seems predestined for doom — unless the sex was good, then there’s always that…..silver lining?

    I’m just sayin…

  20. streetztalk says:

    I agree with Max’s logic.

    I will say that as Jay and Most pointed out, sex was probably not all that, and he won day 1! That’s mroe than enough opportunity to see what else is good. Let’s not forget they are at a wedding, which is prime location for a rendezvous!

  21. MeteorMan says:

    I’m going take a different approach…

    Maybe its her perception of the situation that changed. Before they had sex, she probably wouldn’t interpret the exact same or similar actions as anything. She was looking for a response to the situation that happened. Sex changes things for some and not all.

    What IF the guy feels the exact same way as he did before they had sex? Is he a douche or is it just that sex isn’t a determinate factor for him?

    Now if she said to him at any point of knowing her: “I don’t do casual sex” or something similar, then she should probably fight him.

    With all that said, I don’t believe in this ‘let say nothing b/c it’s magical’ reoccurring theme. If she made her position clear, then she would already know the answers to her questions.

    1. Malik says:

      MeteorMan, dropping science. The letter reads as if this is their first, or one of the few, real life meetings these two have had together. So dude could just be naturally aloof in person whereas more intimate aspects of his personality come out on the phone. As much as people try to keep it ’100′ on the phone/internet/letters, the vast majority of us do have a different demeanor when met in real life, no matter how slight.

      She may have built this idea up in her head about how he acts in person based on how she assumed he acts based on their phone/text conversations.

  22. Corey deBlaze says:

    Yo, some females need to stop walking around with yall emotions in ya gotdamn cooter!! Dude did what da fuck he was supposed to do. He ran upon a female he had a little friendship history with at this function, he holla’d, she with it, he smashed. Nawmean. Now, I woulda threw her a bone next day, say waddup, maybe gave her a little hug and kept it moving if I aint wanna fuck with her. But dude sound like he a wankster any fuckin way! She probably better off not fuckin with him on no deeper level. But yall ladies gotta keep those expectations in check. For some niggas sex ain’t shit but a nut! That’s the real.

  23. Melanie says:

    I know I’m late to the convo and I’m too sleepy to read the comments above, but I kinda feel like taking this in this direction… if you don’t set the expectations then why expect anything? It’s clear from the reader’s description that no expectations were set on a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g, therefore, I would argue why are you even asking if you were used? I would say that you had consensual sex and leave it at that. If there is a question to be asked… why if you know what you like and what you don’t like… aka… you know who you are what you need/want, then why did you put yourself in this losing situation? This doesn’t mean dude is anything. At most he’s an opportunist and a very passive opportunist at that. And it seems no real connection was made over the last 8 months. If it were, I think she would have been comfortable enough to address the awkwardness with dude directly. Sounds like 8 months of convo laden with sex, therefore, sex was the end result.

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