Don’t Look Back
2011
My mother was married twice before my father. Both relationships ended because the man committed one or a series of egregious acts that brought her to her breaking point. And so she bounced. In her little village in Trinidad in the 60’s, this was not the done thing. But she didn’t care. When her parents disowned her for ending the marriage they had arranged for her, she didn’t care. When her friends and neighbours shunned her, she pressed on. When her exes and their subsequent wives tried to stop her from seeing her kids, she kept going. And she never looked back.
Right or wrong, my mother was and still is uncompromising in her belief that once someone crosses you, you leave and you don’t go back. You forgive, but you move forward. No doubts and no second chances. This is the example I was brought up with. So it should be no surprise to you that I’ve never really had a do-over with a past lover. With only one exception, once I’ve been done, I’ve been done. No backsliding, so ex-sex, no make-up to break-ups. I keep it moving.
The other night I had another one of those epic conversations with the spectacular asshole. It started out light and funny with him crooning Trey Songz in my ear. It moved on to basketball, work, weather, my upcoming trip to DC (3 more sleeps!). Harmless shit that wouldn’t cause any conflict. But after a while the conversation grew more personal. He told me a story about a woman who threw a vase at him last week. Which led to me laughing and shaking my head and saying “you never change”. He was quiet for a minute and then he said, “Actually. I’ve changed a lot”.
Like any girl making nice with an ex who did her wrong, my initial reaction was disbelief. I took it to twitter to scoff “The SA is telling me he’s nothing like he was before and I’m calling bullshit”. And because I almost never say anything behind someone’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face, I said the same thing to him too. I told him I didn’t believe for one second that he was really that different. It’s just not possible. But then he reminded me that in our first conversation a few weeks ago I told him how different I was now. And that he was surprised to hear it but reserved judgment and found in our subsequent conversations that it was true – I’m not much like the girl I was with him. “So if you can change so drastically after all this time, why don’t you believe that I could have too?” he asked. “What’s the difference?”
The difference, of course, comes down to the potential for harm. I may have made mistakes way back when, but I never did anything to hurt him when we were together. I never took anything from him, never made him feel anything other than treasured. I never challenged or inconvenienced him. There’s little risk for him to choose to believe that I’m different now. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I turn out to be the same adoring, worshipful creature? That’s not going to hurt him at all. On the other hand, I could choose to believe that he’s not the selfish prick he was ten years ago. I could choose to trust him, choose to invest feelings and time in him. But if I turn out to be wrong, not only will I get my face kicked in, I’ll also be that stupid girl who exposed my throat to a man who cut it before. But if I’m right? If I’m right it could be epic.
Besides being a writer, I’m a reader. A lover of stories. And the story of two people who were once so wrong for each other turning out to be so right appeals to me. But is that just a fairy tale? Can that really happen in real life? And if it can – am I really the kind of person to whom that would happen? In the twenty or so hours I’ve spent on the phone with him since he reappeared, it seems like it is possible. We don’t run out of things to say to each other. We see eye-to-eye enough for the conversations to be productive, but not so much that we bore each other. We laugh and laugh and laugh at dumb shit that no one else would find funny. We tell each other secrets. We admit to shortcomings. We give each other advice. And he sees me. He sees into me in a way that very few other people ever have. And that scares the shit out of me. The only thing we haven’t really talked about is why he came back. I know that there are very few good reasons why a man reappears after a long absence (my friend Most is breaking this down at his spot today, check it out here). Could he possibly be the rare man who came back because he wants to make it right?
Let’s not forget that I have other things going on in my life. That man that I want that I didn’t want to admit I want? He’s still around. And I still want him. I have a demanding job, a blog, a grueling workout schedule and all kinds of personal shit to work on. I have a life to lead. And it’s been carefully constructed so as not to allow room for anything as big as this man. If I was to move forward with him, it would not be small. It would not be quiet. He would not get in where he fit in. We’re too old and too much has happened for this to be light and breezy. This would be a lifestyle change. And that may not be a bad thing. In fact it may end up being exactly what I didn’t know I needed.
That’s if it’s real, of course. That’s if he’s being sincere in admitting where he went wrong in the past and promising not to do it again. If he’s telling the truth when he says he’s changed. If he really is as excited about hearing what I have to say as he appears to be. If the fact that he never brings up sex really means he’s not in it for pussy. If he really has changed. And if I really have too. Like some of you pointed out in the last post, it’s easy as fuck for me to say I’m not the kind of girl to put up with shit anymore when I’m single. But would I really still be this girl if I let myself go there with him?
The spectacular asshole says we shouldn’t forget what happened in the past. He says we have to remember the shit we did wrong so that we can appreciate what happens now. He says we’ve seen the worst in each other already and we can choose to do it that way or we can choose to be better, to see if we can be great together. But if we’re going to move forward, the past has to be the past. “No barriers” he says. “Don’t let the past stop us from the future” he says. But is that possible?
Tell me what you guys think. Can love – or whatever you want to call it – work the second time around? Can time and space and personal growth fix a formerly fucked up relationship? Is this a risk that’s not worth taking? Is this an any bigger risk than starting fresh with someone new? Should I be open to possibilities or am I gonna end up like Lot’s wife when she looked back? Has going back worked for you or has it blown up in your face? Advise me in the comments.
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Not saying the dude can’t change, but I caution you to be wary that he has changed because you have changed. There is no reason to create a false equivalence, going by your word that it was heavily weighted in his favor for being a spectacular asshole. The fact that a woman just recently threw a vase at him doesn’t bode well in my mind.
I would pry into why he felt it was a necessity for him to change, because most people are stubborn and unfortunately need to reach several breaking points before they attempt to maybe consider the option that they might need to change some of their behavior. Given that you hurt you in some kind of way, it was necessary for you to alter your behavior, or at least I believe that’s a legitimate rationale as an outside.
As for the is it possible question: sure. The cynical side of me would point out the difference between the possibility of something happening and the probability of something happening.
Is the risk worth taking? I wouldn’t say so because my curiosity would already be quenched after a handful of interactions between the person and assuming it’s been a healthy growth for both parties, that still doesn’t necessarily entail that all the issues that were previously there have subsided and all the positives in the silver lining have grown thicker. It is completely possible that though me may be a better man now, he may have grown to be a completely different better man than one that is right for you.
I apologize for the assumption, but I don’t think shooting the shit was ever a problem with between you two, it was all that relationship middle ground that got in the way. I’d advise that until you have a clearer idea of what he’s like and desires in the ground to just fall back and enjoy the conversations for a bit longer.
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“There’s little risk for him to choose to believe that I’m different now. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I turn out to be the same adoring, worshipful creature?”
see you could have stayed the same or you could have changed into something worse. just because you were a great person before doesn’t mean that you stay a good person.
i don’t think that is likely that love can work the second time around. not impossible but unlikely. i’ve been put in the position to try to make things work the second time around and all that really. came from it was a sorted love affair. not that that’s a bad thing.
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I figure the easiest way for me to construct a comment is just to answer the questions you’ve laid out at the end of the post.
Can love – or whatever you want to call it – work the second time around?
I believe so. I’m a strong proponent of “everything happens for a reason” in my life and the lives of others, so if he’s showed up now, there’s a specific reason why he is here at this particular juncture in your life. As we grow and age and go through life experiences, we change…so who’s to say that the changed version of you and the changed version of him can’t make something productive happen? Do I believe everyone is still the same at the core? Yes. Do I think that it can be looked past and dealt with and moved on from? Also yes. Both of you may just have not been in a place where being together was feasible at the points in your lives where you were together the first time…
Can time and space and personal growth fix a formerly fucked up relationship?
If it can work for friendships, I can’t see why it can’t work for relationships. Sometimes we have to take a break from folks and go through things without people to truly assess what they mean in our lives and what type of a role they should play in our lives moving forward.
Is this a risk that’s not worth taking?
If you think you’re gonna kick your face in if you DON’T give this adequate thought and time, then I say you should go for it. In love and in life, if there’s something we want, we’re going to have to risk someTHING or someBODY in order to obtain it.
Is this an any bigger risk than starting fresh with someone new?
In my opinion, no. Sometimes reconnecting with someone is just like starting off with someone new, especially if it’s been an extended period of time since you two have been on an intimate level with one another.
Should I be open to possibilities or am I gonna end up like Lot’s wife when she looked back?
I say be open to it. Only you know what you truly want out of your life, and only you can truly assess whether he is able to provide those things for you. To go headfirst and heartfirst into it right now would be stupid, but I don’t see why giving it some time to at least develop a friendship first and see how it progresses from there would be a bad decision to make. From the sounds of your post, it sounds like you guys’ foundation was solid, but the house that you were trying to build had bad insulation, sucky windows, and poor fixtures. Those things can be fixed with renovations — can’t fix a broken foundation without tearing the house down, removing the foundation, and starting all over again.
Has going back worked for you or has it blown up in your face?
It’s blown up in my face only because I’d go back right after the situation was over. I’ve had men come back to me, but by the time they decided that I was right for them, I was completely over the situation, and just wanted to keep them at a friend level. I won’t say that I’m completely closed off to the possibility of going back in my past (with two very distinct exceptions to that rule), because of the fact that I believe everything happens for a reason. If someone came back into my life, and we found that this was something that could work, it would take some time to get past the hurt from the relationship of the past, but I’d be willing to work with him and give it a shot.
Sorry I wrote a book, but I figured I’d share my thoughts. Great post Max, and I hope that you come to a conclusion about what you want to do in this situation…
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You did write a book, Ma’am but a good one lol. Now I’m going to do mine.
I am the Queen of Memory Lane Loves. Most of them I’ll chat me up because I’m bored. This goes back to the I’m the book and not the bookmark post. I already know what path this is going down so I never get too involved but I have this crazy need to talk to people so I do. My first love wanted to get back with me. Now this chick had me crying in every single port during Med Cruise ’94. There were 12 full of snottin and cryin ports. And we are so much alike I could never handle a relationship with her ever again. Although when ever we talk I consider it and then I hang up the and be like what the hot hell…!
Now there was guy I always ran too that made me feel better. I was like this 18 yr old awesomely shaped ping pong ball bouncing between the two. 18 yr old Danielle knew back while the ship was decommissioning that I should’ve chose to stay with him but we didn’t. We went on our separate the way military people do and now 17 yrs later He’s back in my life again and I’m my intent is to keep him here.
And like L, I believe that people are the same in their core personality but with age, time, experience we hopefully learn from our mistakes and can grow out of our bad patterns and bad decision making. We learn what traits we want showcase and the ones we throttle back on. Then it would all depend on what he did to you and if you can move past it. If you both have grown and are going to bring new and exiting things to each others lives, and can have synergy then try it. But if you are to bring the same old beat baggage with you then naw forget about it. You have to walk into this with a brand new carry-on but at the same time remain aware. The same advice I give to you and anyone else is the same I give to myself.
As scary as my ass is when it comes to let people into my emotional bubble, I believe in love. *cue Cher* If you met me you would not think I was this incurable romantic but I am, always have been. I’m an intense chick so after you past my round of ridiculous questioning, you got 100 from me until it’s done. I also make them take tests like the MyerBriggs and the 5 Love Languages test because I need to know your personality. Those are true tests to me. They reveal your personality and love style and they help me communicate effectively with my partner. I waited too long to find certain things out about my ex-hubby and then by the time I learned about then it was too late. I made the mistake of thinking we knew other and we were friends and we didn’t and we weren’t. So when times got hard there was nothing to fall back on. I’m in to my horoscopes so I need to know your sign, numerology number all these about you so I can match with me. But those are just my idiosyncrasies.
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you and L boogie left really great comments. I appreciate yall sharing.
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I have no real advice for this… I just want to hear & see the results, so I can make better dating/relationship decisions…
Go For It…
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me2
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Without knowing the whole situation, I would say you are at a crossroads right now where you can choose to recreate some of what your mom went through (going back to and then leaving ‘the man committed one or a series of egregious acts”)
or…
You can choose to create your lovelife the way you want it to be from the very beginning of a relationship. Let go of the belief that he’s the only one out there that you will have this type of connection with. Letting go of this guy will make room for you to meet another – he’s out there.
Point is, all of us have unconscious tendancies to recreate some aspects of our parent’s habits and patterns. Its great that you’ve been able to step back and see the situation for what it really is. Stop the cycle here and now.
Don’t look back.
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I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. Here’s the thing. Sometimes, some people can do things to you that are so wrong that, even if they’ve changed, even if they’re completely different people, even if they’re ready to be everything you ever wanted them to be and even if you’ve totally forgiven them, they are still undeserving of any semblance of a relationship with you. I have a few relationships in my life like this. They are and were not romantic ones but still, I think the theory holds. Sometimes people can just be so wrong that there’s no going back.
I think you have to look back on your time with this dude as ask yourself… after all that has transpired, even if he is different – does he deserve me?
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“…even if they’re completely different people, even if they’re ready to be everything you ever wanted them to be and even if you’ve totally forgiven them, they are still undeserving of any semblance of a relationship with you….”
this is the truth. i used to have someone like this in m life.
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Placing my co-sign here…
The jarring way you guys ended.. Idk Maxie. I’d say be friends w/ him, but thats all. Don’t allow him to talk himself into another place in your heart b/c that is no longer reserved for him.
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#co-sign! does he deserve me? This is always a resounding “no” and I chalk it up as a great learning experience for all involved.
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Max,
You have been talking to this guy for awhile…he’s back. You seem to really dig him. My first instinct, is saying don’t fall into anything serious..if you are going to keep it easy and breezy…then cool. Don’t try to make into anything more…..
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this post has me in my feelings today. wow. that is all.
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*sighs* I don’t know what to say Maxie. Being the hopeless romantic that I am (especially when it comes to the love lives of others), I read this post…and kinda got all warm and fuzzy inside. Partly because of your honesty and because I want you and SA to be the exception and make “it” happen. I would say to tread the waters carefully and don’t give too much too soon. Most importantly, listen to your intuition. You already know what to do.
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“The right person at the wrong time is just as bad as the wrong person at the right time”
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Max,
IMO: Yes love can work the second time around. Time and space are in my opinion the only way to fix a formerly fucked up relationship. If someone tells you that the person you have been up to the time you met them is incorrect your first mind is not going to be to immediately change. You are going to rebel against their attack on your being. With time, space, and self reflection you realize that that person wasn’t too far off in their opinion of you and that making those changes may be beneficial.
I feel that God puts people in our lives when he wants them there. Think about how he was reintroduced in your life. For some reason God wants you to take a walk down that road. It may be just to see how much you have changed and to see if you really know your worth. There is also a chance that God wants you to see that this man is ready for you and you for him.
I have gone back to relationships and the mistake that I have made is picking up where we left off. In order for a second run at anything to work out you have to address why the first run failed. Addressing these issues includes determining if both parties agree on what went wrong and how it could have gone better and what should be done next time it or a similar situation comes up.
The one man that I willingly loved and I are having those conversations now. We discuss things like why did we end and how do you feel about that now, I didn’t like this about you, in your opinion how do you deal with that no, etc. We also shoot the shit with one another. It’s starting over without having to start at the beginning. You already know one another’s history but what have you been doing since we last talked.
I caution you this; determine how much he wants to be back with you. One guy that I dated several times changed things about himself just because he thought that was what I wanted rather than thinking it would make him better. I thought that to be a spineless and pathetically desperate move and after I used him (his own fault/ God and I are dealing with that) I ended it. That was by far the worst relationship I have ever been in a base for me saying never turn back. I have also gone back and learned lessons that I missed the first time around which is the base for me saying give it a second chance.
Second chance versus starting over; with a second chance you already know what his family history is and how he has let it affect him versus new dude that’s still trying to act normal.
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Well, Maxie when it comes to being a lover of stories we see eye to eye. Most notably, love stories. I love unrequited love that is finally reciprocated and I love the idea of what we have here– love the second time around. Like you, I’m not into taking back exes. Once I’m done, I’m done. The dying out phase may take awhile, but once it’s over my romantic feelings have completely fizzled. However, in spite of that I have had the rare opportunity of reconnecting with each of my ex-boyfriends and unboyfriends. It’s quite amazing actually; each of them have reached out to me years after their offense and either apologized for their a$$hole behavior or tried to become friends. In each instance, I have seen their improved self as merely a facade for the old self. They were still committing the same offenses, but they were more ready to admit them. And that’s what happens a lot of time. We have a society where people simply understand their neuroses and personality disorders a bit more and think that by acknowledging them they have contributed some wonderful insight to their psyche. See, it’s not that people can or cannot improve themselves, it’s the fact that people regardless of experience, are fundamentally the same person. You ever meet those people who proudly proclaim, “I’m an a$$hole. That’s just how I am and if people can’t blah blah blah.”? Unless he has been in years of therapy facing the the reality of his narcissism, selfishness, and fear of intimacy, I doubt he has changed in a way that will make any relationship secure. Still, in spite of this I think you shouldn’t dismiss the desire to ‘want more’, but you shouldn’t settle for anything less than great. And by great, I mean a new relationship that brings compassion, emotional security, and trust to the playing field. If you were to consider the “second time around option” you would immediately have to take ‘trust’ off the table.
Great post. xoxo
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‘You ever meet those people who proudly proclaim, “I’m an a$$hole. That’s just how I am and if people can’t blah blah blah.”? Unless he has been in years of therapy facing the the reality of his narcissism, selfishness, and fear of intimacy, I doubt he has changed in a way that will make any relationship secure.’
I agree with you emphatically on this point Miss Patterson. And would like to add, people are self-interested. The only permanent and long lasting changes to behavior that people make are the ones that they believe hinder them. If someone sincerely cares about you, they’ll cede to certain degrees things that bother their partner, but outside of that a complete flip in their lifestyle and behavior that is dictated by another person will only breed resentment within them.
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You are sooo gonna get back w/ him…*sigh*… you have already almost let im back in…. and as much as he has “changed” he is STILL the same SA that did you dirty before. Why does forgiveness seem to mean pretend like the offenses never happened in the 1st place? I dunno girl, this don’t seem like a good idea… I personally feeling like you are exposing your throat once again…. and just because he hasn’t mentioned pussy yet doesn’t mean its not on the agenda. C’mon girl! You think he is weaseling himself back into your life because of your great conversation skills? Are you forgetting that he is a SA?
Be wise and be careful…
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people don’t really CHANGE you both were adults during this relationship so those asshole tendencies are WHO he is as a man…and why are people throwing vases at his ass? Oh…because he’s an asshole, still! just sayin…
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Good post Max.
I looked back before and it was great until I messed up then it was downhill from there. I understand your reasons for being apprehensive but it can work. It’s definitely a big risk (I’m sure you know that).
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I say leave him alone….but I am just speaking from personal experiences. I have looked back twice before with two different seemingly great men but it didn’t work out for a plethora of reasons. I mean people can change but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are now able to be that compatible “ fit.” I concur with Queen T I would keep things easy-breezy, at least for awhile until the nostalgia wears off. Good luck love, the affairs of the heart are always tricky.
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I will say this much. Sometimes things are meant to happen and I’m a good one for going with the flow of things. I say that in situations like these you should always follow your gut instinct. You are not your mother but you are your mother’s child. Protecting your heart and your emotions is always important, but you also don’t want to live life with regrets.
I know this is not the “simple” yes or no answer that you may have been looking for but it’s based on my own beliefes.
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I’m cosigning miss RedLady.
I like to think that some things are possible (like finding love after giving it another shot), but I’ve been burned enough by people (romantic and otherwise) that I know to have my guard up.
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You know what I don’t ever think I have my guard up. But I do always keep my sneakers handy. It takes so much work to always be in my guard. I think I’m too open. If I am letting you close to me for however long a time I’m open to whatever but I do when need to put my need sneakers I no problem doing that.
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Can love – or whatever you want to call it – work the second time around? I think it can and for some that works or will work for them. Unfortunately, I see it in most cases as someone (either party) settling. So for me, while I think it can work for some I doesn’t work for me, I agree with Moms… don’t act brand new when the same patterns that broke you up in the first place start showing their face.
Can time and space and personal growth fix a formerly fucked up relationship? I think it can, but I have another “but”. Just because someone has grown and returns to re-establish a relationship for whatever reason(s), it doesn’t mean that you go back in. In my experience, I usually become their greatest confident and champion for the path they are currently on and politely pass on the possibility of rekindling anything romantic.
Is this a risk that’s not worth taking? Yes, again for me it’s not worth it. My love tends to evolve, but I’ve yet to see a romantic love rekindled. It’s not that I don’t see or think about the possibilities of what may have been, because I do. But for me, break-ups end the romantic relationship. When I decide to walk away, I have thoroughly explored and exhausted all of my resources. I’ve weighed the pros/cons, prayed, sat still, took action, everything I can see/think to do at that point in my life. So, once I see that I’m spending more time working to protect my heart from the possible hurt, it’s time for me to move on. When I move on, I remember the exhausting process that it took for me to get to that point and I’ve yet to allow someone back in. I’ll be their friend, but sometimes that’s not enough for them and they cut all ties. The best outcomes have been when we create a different kind of love and respect for each other.
Is this any bigger risk than starting fresh with someone new? I think so. Most of us strive to seek a higher level of living and that is wonderful. It’s very sustainable when our lives are on an even keel. It’s very sustainable when we’ve surrounded ourselves with healthier relationships and left the past behind us. But when we go back and let someone caustic back in and life happens because it will… what is going to take place? When life happens, I don’t want my partner to revert back to their “former self” and claim stress as the reason. And when their “former self” pops up… how well am I going to handle it? Am I going to be strong enough to operate under my current way of thinking/understanding/interaction? Are any of my old insecurities going to pop up? And are those insecurities really justified? Or will he hit that fear just perfectly wrong where I end up falling back in an old pattern? As much as I feel like I’ve grown, I also know that you should never say never. To say that I will never again act like an ignorant # year old would be illogical. I wouldn’t go back, but I guess it would all depend on how bad you perceived their “former self” to be. Maybe if I’d broke up over something pretty trivial it would be different.
Should I be open to possibilities or am I gonna end up like Lot’s wife when she looked back? Like I said above I think it depends on the break-up. How wrong was the wrong and with your subsequent life experiences do you see it differently?
Has going back worked for you or has it blown up in your face? I’ve never gone back.
Great post Max!
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This right here:
“But for me, break-ups end the romantic relationship. When I decide to walk away, I have thoroughly explored and exhausted all of my resources. I’ve weighed the pros/cons, prayed, sat still, took action, everything I can see/think to do at that point in my life.”
Pretty much exactly describes my policy on breakups up until this man reappeared. I think I have to spend some time figuring out why I’m considering changing that for him.
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Not that you asked for my advice, but be careful. While you are figuring out why you are entertaining it, he will be continuing his pursuit. From your account he’s the resident SA, so imo he should have to go above and beyond what a new dude would.
Sounds effed up, but ultimately he put himself in his current position.
I would definitely date different dudes simultaneously just to keep a fresh perspective. I would journal it to keep an account of all of the experiences and convos clear in my mind. I’m assuming that he’s not asking for a casual dating relationship, he must be indicating that he wants to take this long term for you to be entertaining it at all. So beyond what he’s stating that he can bring to the table… are you going to be able to fully forgive him? I know as writers we often coin names to provoke readers interest, but you have named him… the “spectacular asshole”. You will need to rename dude. “Spectacular asshole” doesn’t say anything close to “I trust this man to be my life partner,” much less indicate that at one point I will deem him worthy enough to be the head of the house (if you don’t know… I agree with Most on his analysis of submissiveness within marriage). Like you said, there’s a lot to consider.
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Great commentary today!
I will say this: I wrote a post on 4 reasons why exes should remain exes. I have not waivered in this view. Relationship come from ashes and when they return to ashes, sweep them away, get a new set of palm, and start anew.
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*lurker alert* first-time commenter(i think)
OK I’m late on today’s post(well not really, I read it this morning but just got a moment to comment), but I feel compelled to add my 2 cents on this one. This may have been stated in the comments already, but I haven’t read them yet.
Dude, run the other way. I mean you’re a woman and it’s your constitutional right to feel nostalgia, wonder your “what if”‘s, partly desire him back in your life, think about banging him, want it to work…………WHATEVER you want or need to think or feel. No crime in any of that.
But this SA has that name in your book for a reason. Any man who willfully and repeatedly treated you like you didn’t matter to him, doesn’t deserve a 2nd chance. It’s awesome that you don’t hate him and that you sound like you’re over the pain. But you don’t deserve to even have to worry about potentially going through it again, on the off-chance that he may treat you better than ever before.
Who gives an eff. Not you. Sure I’m biased, but I don’t believe people who act like that on purpose change. Not that they CAN’T. I simply don’t believe that they DO. And since we cannot read minds and hearts, the most logical reasoning would consider that you probably stand to lose more either of you have to gain. Is it worth it? Is HE worth it?
Run, Miss Max. You were good enough to behave for back when y’all were together, and you’re definitely good enough now. If he has really changed, then just let him be better for some other poor chick.
A good course of action would be to just let him keep talking to you until he asks you “what’s up, for real?”.
A BETTER course of action would be to pull an epic disappearing act. Just stop picking up the phone, answering texts and calling him.
rekindle deez
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I just want to say thanks to you guys for all your comments on this post and the last one. The volume (and length!) of comments makes me feel like you guys really care about my life.
*sniffs tears. mans up*
What I’m going to do is re-read all the diaries I kept in the SA days and try to get a better sense of exactly what was so bad about him. My rose-coloured memory coupled with the fact that he’s saying all the right things these days has made me lose a bit of perspective, I think.
I’ll keep you guys posted!
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I personally don’t do retreads myself, but then again, I haven’t exactly been known for fostering long term relationships soooo….
I’m not the same person I was a few years back. Am I a nice guy now? Hell no! I’m still a bit of an ass. Fortunately, I am no longer an INCORRIGIBLE ASS. And that is progress. Even when you make a conscious decision to change who you are fundamentally as a person, it takes time. You don’t wake up the next day and say “I’m a changed man! I am officially different!”. It takes time and you will slip back into old habits occasionally. It’s kind of like what old southerners always say, “I may not be the person I’m supposed to be, but I’m thankful I’m not who I was.” I guess I’m just on the road to recovery…..At any rate, people are in a constant state of change. To what degree, what direction and for what reason are the things in question. There is no way to know these things without putting in a little time. If you think it’s worth it and you can objectively view the situation without falling into “the trap” then I would advise you to check it out. Just take it slowly. If he’s serious, he’ll understand and won’t mind. Everyone is capable of changing, especially in ten years. I would worry more about somebody who remained the same for that long.
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so i’ve done the re-occurring dating thing with one individual. 3 times. there was about a year span of off time between every new session. 2 out of 3 we forget the other existed and just happen to fell upon each other. the last time we attempted to maintain civility. **which means we fukced** even thinking back on it… it’s mixed emotions i guess… parts of me yearn for that relationship again because it was my first serious commitment spanning about 7 years of my life…
but when it comes down to it i’d never go back. i do actually regret every meeting him. yes person’s can change. some persons go from borderline Lucifer’s offspring to a christened saint. but most of the time whatever was in them that made them capable of hurting another individual in such an atrocious fashion it’s still deep in there…. life taught me you never know someone till you fukc up and get them mad. maybe somethings aren’t worth it and are better left to die… then again maybe it isn’t
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Max,
This is an interesting post. This is only my second comment on your site. I am currently going through a similar yet totally different situation with my wife whose been separated from me for the past six months or so. It’s similar because we’re each asking ourselves these same questions: Is giving it another chance is worth the potential heartache? Can it work? Have we both grown and learned from this? What is different?
It’s totally different because we’ve been in a committed relationship for almost 13yrs and had 3 kids, the house and everything. We married young; we were both inexperienced in dating/the opposite sex; shit, I’d argue one doesn’t KNOW one’s own personal SELF even at 19-21yrs old when we’d tied the knot.
Now, we’re in our early 30’s (many times, anybody single in this age-group have kids, issues, divorce, an unreachable laundry-list of success on their cklist, or they’re doing an “upgrade” of their class status {like they work in a clerical job with a GED, but they want to marry a lawyer/doctor/executive} ), it’s slim-pickin’s out here and shit remember I’d wanted this to work before.
Then there’s another scenario with the one that got away; the friend that was more but never explored, that I went back to after accepting my wife was gone. Well, I explored that one as well as a few others and I want my baby back; that just didn’t work out. Well, in my wife’s words “all the sudden” I wanna be back with her and give her this attention and try again. I gave her all this before even after the seperation, she just didn’t accept it, trying to be all independent. It takes seeing another woman with me to let her know (and/or bring out the “crazy” lol), “hey, I wasn’t done there yet! Get outta here bitch!” Then, when she “wins” and she has my attention, now she pulls back; now that she has the “power” again. I mean, I didn’t want all this from the jump, but I think we’ve grown from it. I accept her faults, things are more clear/open between us and I think alotta stuff came out of our separation. Mind you, we had a lot of back-story here that can’t all be explained in a blog post. There was infidelity on her part (not sexual), there was the lack of attention I gave her in certain areas on my part. There was excessive drinking on my part. Hidden (outta respect) weed use; we’d “agreed to disagree”, but it still caused problems. There was alotta financial burden; more than we could handle. I ran through $150K of a settlement in our 12yrs (not of course including my income). When we married I was doing very well with the job, but after a layoff and a sloowwwww buildup back to a livable wage, she’s went from a part-timer to really excelling in what she does. That has brought up the ugly “gold-digger” phrase when I may have had too many or something, but that doesn’t die, even though I KNOW that’s not true. Things are different and we need to take this opportunity to really get that communication factor up and start back up just all in the black & white.
Well, sorry for the long backstory, but my opinion is this: It is worth a second try, but tread very lightly and slow; not hard and fast as I seem to act sometimes lol. Don’t ever forget, but forgive and be mindful of the signs of the original behavior that caused the problem. You’ll see right away, “this the same shit”. If you can’t bring yourself to trust someone and fully let them in, then you can never really get true love. Things/life happens, people learn and grow. The question that is left is sincerity. If everyone knew everything SAID was sincere, we’d have a clearer decision. Love is magnificent! IMO, it’s a worth throwing it out there to try at least lightly at first. I understand, my opinion might not matter as most of the real bachelor/bachelorettes. I know the cynics both male and female are realists going from experience and they are right, but I’m still a romantic and I STILL WANT MY FAIRY TALE. It (my situation) can work right? Lol, ur question right back @you. So many factors, so many unknowns of the situation, ultimately it’s up to you. From your posts, SA isn’t so much Asshole as he is Significant. You just never know ‘less u try; jus be careful. For me, it’s risk vs. reward; man I love her. If you look @my tumblr, that’s Heather. I say go for it, just slow/careful.
Chief78/blu_dreema
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Sorry for the book :/ I’d wrote and copied from word, looks kinda ugly to boot. Sorry
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