When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Trust You

Woman texting while boyfriend sleeps

So I’m back with another reader advice question. This one was a good one in that I was a little stumped. For those of you who can’t see the video or can’t be bothered to watch it, here’s the question:

Ok…So I have a bf…we’ve been together for almost 5 months now. He doesn’t trust me though. Now I understand someone’s complete trust will not grow in 5 months…but he doesn’t really just trust me like at all. For example, whenever I’m not with him he thinks I’m with someone else. -__-
Now if I’m not with him I’m either at home taking care of my family, at work, or at school. It’s like he’s so used to messing with these “hoes” who don’t have anything going for themselves so when it comes to me he’s skeptical because I’m with him. Maybe its self-esteem or something that he has to deal with him within himself or maybe it’s intimidation. When it comes to my Facebook and my phone I’m very open because i honestly don’t have anything to hide. I’ve been through a lot as a child, teen, even up to now. I have my whole future planned out and it seems like he thinks that he’s not worthy enough for me or something. I honestly wouldn’t waste my time on someone who wasn’t worth my time…things are getting rockier and rockier between us. And i honestly don’t know what to do. Help me please.

I took a stab at it in the video but I’m not sure how helpful my advice was. Weigh in with your own in the comments…especially those of you who are in successful trusting relationships.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 26

  1. i’m of the train of thought that you trust a person until they give you a reason not to. it sounds like this woman is putting up with a bunch of shit that she doesn’t have to. i would have bounced a long time ago. i don’t deal with insecurity well and only 5 months in at that. man bounce.

  2. Adonis says:

    I think the lack of trust helps the relationship along… Really I think HIM not trusting HER gives her something to do/complain about…

    She’ll be fine… If this was TRULY an issue, she would have left already… This is fun for both of them… Good For Them…

    And I always knew Max was a punk Amazing, I just never had to guts to say it…

  3. MsEsquire77 says:

    I don’t think his behavior is going to get better. I venture a guess that it’ll get worse as the relationship progresses. Heaven forbid they get married or have a child! He’ll probably start following her and/or phone stalking her whenever they are apart.

    1. MsEsquire77 says:

      (I hate commenting by phone!) Anyway, his insecurity is like a cancer and it will keep growing until it kills the relationship. 5 months is too long to have put up with his foolishness. She needs to cut ties and find someone who believes he’s worthy of her love.

  4. “It’s important we communicate and tune the fate of this union to the right pitch.”

    First and foremost, she needs to talk to him. It doesn’t sound like she really knows why he doesn’t trust her so a discussion about it is needed. She needs to try to get him to open up more. Get a better understanding of what happened with those “hoes” he was with or why he doesn’t think he’s worth of her. Show him how important his trust is to her.

    I don’t see this lack of trust, especially this long into a relationship, as a good sign. I don’t think a relationship can flourish without trust and honestly, I don’t understand someone who gets into a relationship with someone they don’t trust at all. It sounds like she’s willing to deal with it, but I don’t see why. Granted, I can’t judge them on their unique dynamic if that’s what works for them, but I don’t believe it works since she brought up this question in the first place.

    1. I’d actually like to know if his lack of trust was something that she’s had to deal with since the start or if it was something that developed during the months.

  5. QueenT says:

    It sounds like this guy has some serious issues…she said things are getting rockier and rockier…the issue is not with her…he is the one with the problem..take a step back give him some time alone…..perhaps, even call the whole thing off….5 months in you are still suppsed to be in the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship not dealing with these issues…it doesn’t seem to be working out. Leave.

  6. OSHH says:

    Clearly the guy has insecurities that he is projecting.
    Personally I cannot deal with that type of person.
    5 months is not alot of time but if ol girl hasn’t done anything to indicate she is untrustworthy, having to reassure someone of your every move, intention, motive is TOO much work.
    Dude needs some time to work on his issues before getting into new relationships.

  7. Kema says:

    Many times people have so little trust because they are guilty themselves. I went through this last year. I had a guy who seemed to think I was doing stuff on the side. I had one or two guy friends but it was strictly platonic. He had this habit of texting guys in my phone as if he were me in order to see the responses. Of course he never got what he was looking for because it wasnt going down that way. Fast forward to the end of the relationship… I learned about how much dirt he was doing.

  8. Malik says:

    That Damn African is correct, have an actual conversation about it. That’s how situations get resolved.

  9. I don’t trust anyone. I’ve seen too many episodes of Cheaters, Maury, and Jerry Springer. Trust has pretty much died along with innocent women. Plus, I feel I am the most trustworthy person I know, but I don’t even trust myself.

    Will and honor are weak among most of us today. People don’t give a shit anymore. We do what we want and try to justify it to ourselves rather than dealing with the problem.

    If my lady cheated on me, the right thing to do would be to tell me. The smart thing to do would be deny deny deny. She’s smart.

    Therefore, quit expecting your significant other to trust u.. especially if you aren’t willing to be transparent. Transparency can build trust among people who feel how I feel.. but if u are trusting for no reason, u should avoid us altogether and find u someone else who is just as naive.

    1. OSHH says:

      Generally my trust has to be earned thru consistent transparency, honesty etc but with this dude in the above scenario that’s some other sh*t, with the accusations and all, it seems as if he is not even willing to accept ol girl’s transparency.

      Personally I have to ask if you don’t trust each other, what is the point?
      You can’t even have a real friendship without some degree of trust.

  10. To be fair tho, some people are easier to trust than others. My lady trusts me to no end because she knows I will never lie to her. She knows this because the morning after I kissed another chick, I told her about it. She also knows that I believe you deserve what u give. I hate being lied to, so I dont lie.

    She however has a sneaky history.. and fights me when I ask for transparency. I try to be reasonable. People don’t like not feeling trusted, even if it’s their own fault. Cut that holier than thou shit out and give her/him ur facebook pw or unlock ur phone and show that u have nothing to hide.

  11. Menelaus says:

    I feel like she hasn’t told us all that she does to play into her boyfriend’s distrust. Not that i’m condoning his actions, but there might be more to this situation than she’s letting on.

    Only story I can share is this; at one of my roundtables I told a girl that the most profound thing ever said in the Bush administration was the following, “The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.” It’s very applicable to relationships. This girl deleted all her text messages, emails and BBM conversations as soon as they ended. She also had a password protect on her phone. She wondered why her boyfriend didn’t trust her. So I told her that quote and then asked her, “Doesn’t it seem like you have something hide?”

    This situation also applies to women who have a lot of male friends, women who were all over the place before settling down, women who have cheated in the past, etc. There are several reasons why going into a relationship a man is already on the lookout because of something on your CARFAX report. In those cases, you will have to build trust and expect that you won’t get leeway before you get a warning call.

  12. Stephanie Jokinen says:

    i have been in a two year relationship. i fell like he doesnt look at me like he used to or if he wants anything to do with me im way out of his legue but i know i love him more than anythig i noticed our lifes have changed since having a baby and ive lost the weight and im not all streched out i also feel alone and unhappy i get mad at him all the time and i dont know why i feel like he doesnt like to spend time with me much either theres been alot of i feels and whenever i tell him he doesnt seem to care and now he caught me txting a guy friend for help and despreteness what should i do to help out our love life

    1. Jo says:

      I hate to say it but u n that baby gotta up n go for a bit. Come back in a month or so

  13. lili says:

    I have this exact same problem 🙁

  14. Jazmyne Rodriquez says:

    Well I’ve been with this boy for three months and just recently i left for a week to go work at a campground.So apparently he doesnt trust me because he claims hes gonna get locked up if i dont come back soon and i dont know what to is he crazy or is that just a way to show he cares about me im kinda freaked out but he told me he loved ugh im so confused

  15. dr says:

    You need to break someone’s password because you do not trust?
    We are here for you!!Will do all the work, you just have to say.
    I am waiting to help you!!discovermypass@yahoo.com

  16. Mabelle says:

    same situation as mine,

  17. Anon says:

    I have the same problem… we’ve only been dating a couple months and going out for one. He asks me who im texting, what im doing when he’s not around and who every guy is that i talk too..

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