The Spectacular As$hole

past-present-future

Of all the words I could use to describe the man I spent the better part of my twenties with, Spectacular Asshole is my favourite. Not just because it’s kinda funny, but because it is really the most fitting description I can use for a man who did just about every egregious thing a man can do to a woman to me. Twice.

Which is not to say that I haven’t made my peace with him, I have. Years after our disastrous break-up he and I got together and had a very frank discussion about all the many ways in which he was a fucking prick. And whether his astonishment was feigned or genuine, he apologized, we squashed it, and I moved on with my life, spectacular asshole well behind me.

The thing is, as I got older and my perspective on relationships evolved, my perception of the spectacular asshole also changed. The reluctance to be monogamous that was so offensive to 24-year old Max makes perfect sense to me now. And our opposite schedules – which only allowed us to see each other once every week or two – now seem like a major selling point, rather than the constant source of frustration they were back then.

But beyond the little things, as I get older I realize that this spectacular asshole has been very influential to me in a million positive ways. He schooled me on the phenomenon of frenemies, taught me to appreciate my bare face, and as the man featured in this story and this one, he’s responsible for unleashing my inner freak. For which we should all be thankful. In a nutshell, most of what I know about how to treat a man properly and all the ways in which I am not typically woman-stupid can be accredited to the spectacular asshole. Which has allowed me to look back on my time with him less as a tragic waste of time and more as a crash course in dealing with a selfish prick.

Of course,  as these stories always go, the spectacular asshole recently made a reappearance in my world. He and I lost touch about four years ago and while I’ve occasionally looked for him online, I’ve not seen hide nor hair of him in all that time. Until he called out of nowhere.

When we spoke, it was exactly the way you want a conversation to go with an ex who did you wrong. I was pleasant, even excited to hear from him, but wouldn’t allow myself to be led down a path of reminiscing without stopping to remind him that it wasn’t all sweetness and light all the time. I had good things to report – I look good, I am good, I’m doing good. And I was genuinely glad to hear the good things he had to report. It was a good, pleasant, perfectly safe catch-up call until these words escaped me unbidden:

When can I see you?

I don’t know why I said it or if I meant it, but once it was out there there was no taking it back. And his immediate request that it be as soon as humanly possible calmed me and gassed me up a little bit.  We made hasty tentative plans for the weekend and I headed off to my Friday meeting with a smile on my face for the first (and probably only) time.

Each time the spectacular asshole popped into my head I got more and more excited about seeing him. Because – and most women know this – there are few things more life-affirming than the chance to show a man who did you wrong and left you devastated that you are even better without him. So yeah, I was excited. Until I went home and told my sister what had happened and what was going to happen.

Those of you who know les poos in real life know that no one gives a judgmental face quite like my little sister. And the look of shock and horror on her face when I dropped my “exciting” news on her was like nothing I’d ever seen before. And no matter how I explained to her that I was past it, that I’m not the dumb little girl I was with him, that he doesn’t have the power to do any damage to me anymore, her position didn’t change. You don’t go back and hang out with someone who treated you like shit under his shoe like nothing ever happened. You don’t put yourself at risk like that and what’s more – you don’t give him the satisfaction of slithering back years later and getting to hang with you. She told me in no uncertain terms to shut it down.

Coming from anyone else, this unsolicited advice would go in one ear and out the other. But coming from the person who had to mop me up off the floor over and over when the spectacular asshole was doing spectacularly assholey things, I had to consider what she said. And while I really do feel like there’s no possibility of being sucked back into the vortex, I also acknowledge that I was a spectacular fool for this man. If he’s the asshole who got in his car and drove over me, I’m the fool who laid down in the street and didn’t move when I saw the car coming for me. And even back then I knew that I was being stupid, so I can’t even blame it on the naivete of youth.  Which makes me wonder – can I really stop myself from being fooled by someone I’ve allowed to fool me countless times in the past? Or is it once a fool always a fool?

Tell me dear readers, what would you do? Have a friendly drink with the spectacular asshole or run for the hills and never look back? Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? Give me some guidance in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 83

  1. Sade says:

    first time commenter
    I think running implies cowardice, but I agree with your sister. Whether or not you’ve both matured and evolved as people. It doesn’t negate the fact that he treated you like shit, so I don’t think he deserves to spend time with you, especially not one on one.

  2. HLBB says:

    You know I’m a fan of that rear view mirror moment. But not like this. I agree with your sister: do not give him the satisfaction of being invited back into your conscious thoughts.

    Ex = X as in unknown.

  3. Adonis says:

    I knew Max was going to pull me in with whatever blog topic she was going to go with… Give me a moment…

    1. Adonis says:

      Good Morning,

      Hmmmm… If I had to put some money up, over/under see him/not see him… I will go with the former… BEING an MATURE adult & sound decision making are both choices… So hence 55 year old people still be on B*llshit…

      I hope you go see him, sleep with him & write about it so I can learn more lessons about why women swoon over SAs… You are a living sacrifice for us Max :-)

      This reminds me of my poor choices in women… I say that, cause I used to go for women who had low self-esteem & already taken… And women with LSE tend to not enjoy men who treat them well, and match up better with SAs…

      May 25, 2003 (I was 15, she was 15, she is 3 1/2 months older than me), I met a girl in church named Dee, Dark Skin, Big A*s, Scorpio, Slightly Masculine… She sang on the choir (I still have her voice in my head when she sings “GOD’s gonna TROUBLE the wadddd-dddderrr”)… lived in the Bronx

      The Bronx’s seems to have the hottest women in NYC

      To this day, I never have penetrated this girl… and back then I never really wanted to sleep with the women I wanted… It was more like GODDESS worship… (projecting perceived qualities in her than I LACK…)

      She was dating someone else at the time… and I was a unintentional Spectacular As$hole (cause I always been a Smart Ass)… And she went for that… But the guy she was dating at the time was a better As$hole than I was… So when I asked her to be mine… She declined and got back with O’ Boy

      So 7 different boyfriends later (not named Adonis), she ends up with my sister’s ex-fiance (BTW who just married to someone else at the moment, I’ll call him Patrick)… This went on in my senior year in High School… (Sigh…) The worse part about this story is THAT he was LIVING IN MY HOUSE on & off… (He was being a step-dad to another woman’s kid) So he would be on the PHONE with HER, when I came home from school… And just basically reminded me that he was f*cking her… I remember there were days when I woke up and I had that feeling that the girl I want is f*cking someone else… That is a really bad FML feeling

      (Fast forward, to the PRESENT, she is a single mom, baby from a man who his currently incarcerated , who is trying to become the next Fantasia… )

      Thinking back on that time, I allowed that WHOLE situation to just take me out of my element… But all in all, when I look at this situation… I was feeling deep feelings for someone who was F*CKING RATCHET never really mine OR feeling me in the first place… So 90% was my fault… But I didn’t like the way she or Patrick handled it… (or just basically dated each other at my expense, AT LEAST GET MARRIED and validate your reason for getting together…) Either way, I haven’t had the chance to have REVENGE closure…

      And until I set that up, I want nothing to do with them… It pointless…

      I think you are setting the stage for bad things to happen Max… (But I still root for you…)

      1. Alana says:

        As late as I am. I think your experience says so much. Appreciate you sharing.

  4. keisha brown says:

    hmm…
    this is a tough one.

    speaking for myself, i probably wouldn’t have asked, but would have wanted to take him up on an offer to meet just to prove something to myself and to him.

    but going backwards, usually isn’t a good idea. and while i know you pride yourself on being the anti-female, you do still have feelings/emotions and your history with this dude is too rife with negative ones.

    if you end up being in the same place/event/function though….

  5. Blackbuttafly says:

    My first bf was the leader of spectacular assholes. Won’t go into detailed specifics about all the wonderfully assholish things he did to me, but the most spectacular thing he did was that he left me on the streets in the winter time while miscarrying his baby at 2am because he didn’t want to pick up the phone. He kept picking up and hanging up. I had to take the bus home from jane & finch hospital down to eglinton & keele in some serious pain and bleeding. The hospital wouldnt admit me because i wasnt bleeding enough. He left me as a devastated, depressed and suicidal alcoholic. My family had to stage an intervention, that’s how bad it was. They made me promise not to ever speak to him again. This man had the nerve to call my parents house after I had disappeared from his life, acted like we were buddy buddy and gave my mother a heart attack. I had to tell him that if he saw me
    laying dead in the street to pass me by.

    My advice…..don’t waste another second of your life on the spectacular assholes. Especially because you know better. K.I.M. Assholes thrive on this attention and will catch you when your weak. Why even bother to put yourself in that situation if don’t have to? It’s not like you have a kid together. Take the positives from what you learned and use it on someone deserving of it. Fuck him ( not literally)

    1. BP says:

      My heart SANK while reading your story BBF. I hope that you have found peace with all that has happened to you and if you haven’t yet…I pray you will soon. I am so proud ( as a sister that has been hurt as well) that you cut yourself off completely from that toxic bastard.

      1. VATAURUS says:

        To ALL spectacular assholes:
        Fuck you all day with no vaseline.
        Dedication to my ex…..

    2. OSHH says:

      “My advice…..don’t waste another second of your life on the spectacular assholes. Especially because you know better. K.I.M. Assholes thrive on this attention and will catch you when your weak. Why even bother to put yourself in that situation if don’t have to? It’s not like you have a kid together. Take the positives from what you learned and use it on someone deserving of it. Fuck him ( not literally)”

      ITA!!!!!

    3. Yoles says:

      i feel for you BBF, i’m hoping all your wounds have healed & you move forward with the knowledge but not the scars

    4. Menelaus says:

      Blackbuttafly:

      I appreciate your honesty sister, but please spare us the details of your personal complications with a pregnancy. We’d all like to think that we are a family here, but none of us here are equipped with the necessary skillset to respond to that type of commentary. You should seek professional help, if you haven’t been able to bring yourself above that situation which I suspect you haven’t because of the need to share the story here. I was taken back by your story and your comment, but thought that it was not appropriate for this venue. That story is probably best saved for a support group, or alcoholics anonymous meeting. But the comments section of a blog is not a healthy medium.

      With Regards,

      Dr. J

      All:

      Please be careful sharing your extremely personal stories on the internet. And also be mindful that the topics of your story may be too much information for others. There is such thing as TMI.

      1. BP says:

        I respectfully disagree. I have never experienced anything that tragic in my life however, I am not the only person that reads this blog. I appreciated her story. BBF has all the right to share her story if it will help someone else. You have no idea Dr. J if a woman out there has read this and gains strength from BBF’s plight. This is the real world and real sh*t happens. She obviously wanted to paint the picture of the severity of the spectacular asshole in her life. Often people sharing their story helps them heal. Furthermore, this is NOT your blog and I think it would behoove you to keep your opinionated feelings to yourself.

        FIN.

        1. Menelaus says:

          Aside, please stop calling her BBF. That’s an acronym for Big Black Female, or Big & Beautiful Female. It’s confusing. I just had a meeting last week where someone wrote, Neyla has STD. Freaking crazy to me, they meant Short Term Disability though.

      2. privatedancer says:

        Wow! Not for nothin but your comment to BBF was one of the most ASSHOLE things I have read in a while. Her story is very REAL and was very touching and to tell her what time and place she should share it was rude. Assholery comes in many degrees and her’s was pretty severe and should be seen as a cautionary tale to guard your heart and stay away from S/A not ignorant judgements by ppl who are too insensitive to see the moral HER story. It might’ve been a little too real for you but moving and helpful to others. I’m just sayin’…

      3. Menelaus says:

        To the both of you,

        I was not trying to be an asshole or nothing. What i’m trying to say is it’s a freaking blog. We are not doctors. I have had this situation happen to me in real life where someone shared some information that while it may have been a touching story, my point was to say, to be honest, I think that you saying that here is all well and good, but you should probably be speaking to someone who can really help you. We don’t need to know your personal business.

        If you are gaining strength from a blog about meeting up with a past ex to get you through your personal situation about a miscarriage, then you are looking in the wrong place for support. I think that sometimes we subscribe to blogs and the comments like we are trained professionals in that field. And at those times people can do more harm than they can good. All I was saying was that I appreciate your candor, but sweetheart that’s your personal business, don’t share all your details with the world.

      4. Blackbuttafly says:

        With all due respect….gtfoh

        It’s actually been about 12 yrs since this happened and I’m just now actually speak out loud about it. I certainly didn’t share my story to gain sympathy or to get advice. I’m simply sharing my story of a REALLY spectacular asshole and the effects of having one in your life.

        Have I been affected? Most certainly. Am I scarred? To the core. Am I still standing, hell fucking yes. That year of my life has shaped me into what I am today. I’m only sharing it so that others won’t stay with SAs unnecessarily. I guess you’re hurt because you are one?

        Where and when indecide to share my story is my perogative. This isnt your blog and I don’t believe anyone made you the king of what can and cannot be posted on
        Max’s blog. If there was a problem, Max would’ve removed it.

  6. BP says:

    Max, what about him is exciting to you? Are you questioning your better judgment because he called again and you seem to now be the one with the ball in your court? I can see how that can be enticing BUT my advice is to drop the ball and walk away. Spectacular assholes never really change…they just become more charming and manipulative in their ways. I have made the mistake of letting SAs back into my life that should have never entered it in the first place. I have cut both of them off now and one lives fairly close to me. I pity them because they lost a good woman to have in their corner and they are punk ass b*itches and I am content with my decision. RUN for the hills lady!

    Btw, I have a theory on SAs. They were usually good men before* some woman broke their heart. Unfortunately, some men don’t heal…they hoe (great book breaks this down) and in turn become repetitive heart breakers.

    1. max says:

      You know what it is? It’s not that he’s particularly exciting; it’s that I want to prove to myself that I wouldn’t be as stupid this time around. It’s all well and good for me to keep my head in casual entanglements; but can I do it when it’s someone I was once really feeling? I don’t know…

      1. BP says:

        I get your point, I really do… BUT is it worth learning the hard badly-heart-broken lesson (again) if you get entangled again? If you do meet with him I think Most provided you with a good list of things to do before the encounter. I know you will be smart about this….

  7. Tooshy1 says:

    Nooooo, Don’t do it! He’s an “ex” for a reason….ummm, what’s the definition of insanity again?

  8. AHS says:

    What you should do is going to depend very heavily on exactly how bad an influence on you he was/is, something it’s hard for me to go on. I notice from the article above you spend two paragraphs vaguely alluding to damage and disrespect but then go into two paragraphs almost apologising for him, justifying his actions, outlining what you are grateful for, what he gave you…

    Really the only danger to you is that you forgive too easily, or choose to conveniently forget the worst. Be careful that you remain honest with yourself and vigilant too.

    If, as you suggest the misunderstandings or mismatched goals are no longer an issue then perhaps you would be safer a second time. (make no mistake the potential for a second time will be present in even the most seemingly innocent encounter.) But like you say, that comes back on you. The only safety you’re gonna get will be from knowing what you want and what you will and won’t accept.

    I’m always suspicious when a woman says she ends up with arseholes. What is she doing to create or perpetuate that? Does she actively signal low self-worth to partners? Does she seek people incapable of giving kindness or respect?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va1t6a0zCkQ

  9. azinnia says:

    Forgive me if I’m wrong but it Sounds to me like you want to see him **just** to show him what he’s missing. Like you said, ” i look good, I am good , i’m doing good ” but becareful we always have a soft spot in our hearts for Assholes ..sad to say, If you know in your heart of hearts … that you will not succumb to this asshole”s “CHARM” AND i use that sucker lightly… then by all means go have drinks , rub it in his face and then WALK AWAY… don’t go catch a movie, or accept invitations for drinks at his place or any freakin hotel for that matter. Follow the plan.. but before you make the decision..just make sure that you’re totally over him, because to me it sounds a little like you aren’t…Oh and i’m a first time commentor and i think your blog is the fucking best thing on the planet!!! followed closely by SBM and Black girls are Easy lol ;) (Sorry guys gotta stick with my Trini peeps :))

    1. Starita34 says:

      *Does a look-at-all-the-new-commenters jig*

      Yay! Welcome! Stay a while :-)

      *hands a cool glass of lemonade and some pound cake*

  10. I just finished this “spectacular asshole” part of my life recently and I’m not looking back. Not even to say hi to his mom (who loved me). The past is the past. If I were to do something like that, my sisters would flip SHIT, while reminding me of the smashing sounds of my cell phone hitting the walls of our rooms. Someone that’s done me wrong and I’ve let back in before in the past can’t pass me now without getting the “You can’t be fucking serious to think I’d fall for THAT shit again” look.

    I say, don’t even bother with him. You broke up for a reason. Burn los bridges and keep it pushing. Going back to them will forever remind you of good times more often than bad and you might start making excuses for more fucked up shit they’re about to do.

    Those four years of no contact should have told you all you needed. Houdini right back out his life & push push push. That’s about it. :)

  11. Berriblk says:

    Interesting predicament. This can be considered a chance to put your money where your mouth is and see if you’ve truly evovled from being a [stupid] girl…whether you see him or not, buit of course the more challenging road is if you are to see him. If you pass that test I’m sure the reward will be so much sweeter than if you choose not to see him at all…if you can pass the test.

    Like you, I pride myself on not being a stupid woman, so I know this would be a challenge for me, but Im always up for personal challenegs that later bring self discovery and strengthen my disposition. LOL I’m also a little sister that can give a fierce judgemental face, so yeah…just know me and your little sis will be giving you the face if you falter. I hope thats determent enough for ya :)

    Good Luck!

  12. MsRenee says:

    Umm been there done that twice and it’s over and done as far as I’m concerned and he was a spectacular asshole that still calls….I think he will get it one day that I have moved on

  13. QueenT says:

    Don’t meet up with this guy Max…nothing positive is going to come from this..trust me…come up with an excuse and bail on this meeting right away…if you decide to go…meet for coffee/tea not drinks…no need to add alcohol to this mix. lol.

    1. FLYY says:

      Bwhahhahahaha… I agree w/ Queen on the alcohol comment.

      But seriously Max, I’ve done it. I actually befriended mine. We’re at a different place in our lives now and it works for me. I don’t know that it’ll work for everyone and every now and again I get the urge to wring his neck… I resist. Lol. However, my heart will never let me forget he was an a$$hole so even if your mind went there, it wouldn’t be the same. I don’t wanna tell you not to do it b/c it actually worked out for me but I don’t wanna tell you to do it… and then it doesn’t work out. 0.o Hmmm…

      1. Adonis says:

        You are the exception…

  14. Cheekie says:

    Yeah, I’m with KB in that it probably seems more interesting since YOU were the one that asked. It kinda gives a hint that it was in your subconscious and that you may still have a weak spot for him. Which is understandable and not anything necessarily wrong with that. Just make sure the older you is able to combat that weak spot. Yeah, I’m finna be a cliched mofo: Go with your gut.

    And, hell, considering your request to see him slipped out without you even thinking, it seems as if your gut is saying… go for it. Just go with caution…

  15. Malik says:

    Granted I make it my business to actively root for the asshole, but I’d advise you to not meet with him. In all likelihood you aren’t going to get some grand honest to God apology where he breaks down apologizing for everything that he had previously done to you. Nor will you see him tear up because you’ve done better with yourself now. If he’s the type of asshole that’s worth his salt he will likely either A. not give a shit or B. try to see if he can reel you back in.

    Even if he doesn’t reel you back in, he probably still won’t give a shit because he probably now has multiple women doing the same shit to them as he did you. Whole lot of biwinning on his part.

    1. max says:

      I love that you said you actively root for the asshole. That is hilarious.
      Are you an asshole yourself? Is that why?

      1. Malik says:

        I am a nice kind hearted young fellow who enjoys bringing joy and happiness to other people’s lives via good deeds, but I’m also pragmatic enough to know that being an asshole yields certain benefits when dealing with the fairer sex. I do put it any effort to be more Clark Gable than say Killa Cam everyday however.

        1. Adonis says:

          That is why I admire & aspire to be the consummate as$hole

  16. emms says:

    Honestly no one can tell you what to do about ex…..

    But just remember … He may have been spectacular once …. But he’s still an asshole!

  17. I think you’re going to go Max. I say that because I think your curiosity is too great to not. I think you’re curios to see if you’ve really gotten over him. You’re curious to see if he’s somehow abdicated all of his a**hole ways and thereby become perfect for you. And then I think you might be curious about the sex and whether or not you guys can have some totally n.s.a. sex and just leave it at that.

    So while I agree with your sister, and everything you said she said, I feel like I’m already operating from the stand point of this get-together inevitably happening. In that case, here’s my semi-solicited advice:

    1) Make sure it’s in a public place that doesn’t feel to intimate. Like a coffee shop or something like that.
    2) Make sure you’re feeling extra confident. Take an extra long shower, spend some extra time on your hair and wear something that makes you look as good as you can possibly look.
    3) I always tell my wife to eat a good breakfast before she goes to the supermarket because, if you’re full, you shop with a clearly mind and aren’t easily given to impulse. So uh.. yeah… get buns the night before.
    4) Underneath your super awesome outfit, wear granny panties, a mismatched bra… or… even better, reschedule the meeting to that the week where it’s gonna bee that time of the month. This way… sex is just not an option.

    Good luck Max. Whatever you do, remember, we expect a follow up story!

    1. keisha brown says:

      most wins again!!

    2. Adonis says:

      3) I always tell my wife to eat a good breakfast before she goes to the supermarket because, if you’re full, you shop with a clearly mind and aren’t easily given to impulse. So uh.. yeah… get buns the night before.

      Thank You Most for the Supermarket tip… I should have BEEN known about that… But common sense is not so common

    3. Kriola says:

      Most you need to write a book and go on Oprah with your wife, I have never read anything that you’ve written that wasn’t fantastic. Someone needs to pay you for your skills.

  18. I forgot to say – great post. This was a really really great read.

  19. Yoles says:

    max i’m usually all for the “look at me now sucker, you wish you could have this again” moment or moments but something about this doesn’t sit right, it could be that you asked to see him which then gives him more power -if you will- in this situation. maybe chat him up again a time for two but don’t go and see him, matter-of-fact cancel you plans at the last possible minute or something. the balance in this situation is not right…
    but if you do see him, do everything in your power to not end up horizontal including all the things most detailed above as well as do NOT do excessive pre meet up grooming!!! and you know what i mean… i wish you all the best

    1. OSHH says:

      ITA and with Malik as well.

      Seeing the one I’d call an SA on the humble last summer one night, where he spotted me first and just could not let me walk by, he called my name, it stopped me in my tracks cause I knew it was him at the sound of my name on his voice, I turned about reluctantly yet bravely and we locking eyes for what seemed an eternity, while time seemed to stop, and everything else disappeared including his date, I spoke not a word, verbally, and broke eye contact once I saw him start to visually go over my body, and then I turned and walked away, not once looking back. That encounter served no purpose, as FLy as I was looking that night too, but to remind me I am better off without him, don’t need the run’ ins or heaven forbid to purposely see him.

  20. Yeah, while you may feel gassed up at the opportunity to give him the Destiny’s Child “Survivor” treatment, the fact that you asked him to meet up gassed him up as well. No amount of “if you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it” will change that in his mind. I just think that the ultimate insult to a man isn’t showing him that you’re doing better without him, but letting him find out on his own.

    And to be frank, while I understand the temptation to flaunt your success to the person who scorned you is very real and satisfying, I don’t think you can say you’ve moved past that person and what they did to you if you go out of your way to act on that temptation.

    If you do go out, I hope you don’t regret it.

  21. Menelaus says:

    “Look at me now, look at me now
    Oh, I’m getting paper
    Look at me now
    Oh, look at me now
    Yeah, I’m fresher than a motherfucker” – C. Brown

    “Do that shit, do that shit, do it.” – S. P. Combs

    There’s about two chicks from my past that were extreme assholes to me. Weird thing about those two relationships is that we are still friends now. And i’m not going to lie to you guys, i’ve got a little of that “I never forget” Kobe in me. And when the first situation ended, I told myself that 1) I wouldn’t care for her anymore because she never cared about me, and 2) by the time college came to an end, she would WISH that she never made that decision to let me go. Fast forward, last night at the bars senior year, her exact words as her man was flirting with some random chick on the other side of the bar, “Sometimes you wish that you could go back and change the decisions that you made when you were younger. I kind of think that things would have been better if I had stayed with the people who really cared about me.” My reaction: “Yep, I feel you.” [Pounded a Long Island Iced Tea and proceeded to keep dancing to Toxic on the dancefloor.] Fast forward, a couple years after that, she hit me up and wanted to talk, just to shoot the breeze and catch up. I had no reason to do so, but I did it anyway.

    Now what I will say is that someone asked me how I can be friends with someone who was an asshole to me, and I told them, you know sometimes we just want to salvage some type of victory in a fucked up situation. And that’s very true. For one of those two people, we are allegedly supposed to be friends, so not going would kind of make it seem like I still got feelings for the person. For the other one, I never pass up an opportunity to show her what she’s missing. I’m not above making you eat those, “We should just be friends” words for the rest of your life.

    1. Wow. This made a lot of sense…

  22. Amanda Lewis says:

    Amazing that you’ve dealt first hand with asshole drama, yet most of your posts seem to condone and even encourage the asshole behaviour from your male readers. I am honestly disaapointed with what I’ve read on your blog.

    1. How does Max condone a**hole behavior? I’m interested in hearing examples of her doing this.

      Other thing to remember is that, Max, like everyone else is human. What she attracts, what she is attracted to, and what she’s experienced are her own personal stories that she’s kind enough to share with us and we’re indulgent and voyeuristic enough to read. I realize that in having a blog she opens her self up to the judgment and criticism of others, but sometimes, if you don’t have something nice, or encouraging to say, it’s better that you say nothing.

      Not speaking for Max or anything. Just felt like that was a little harsh since this seems like something Max was really looking for help on and you totally took a sh*t all over her request.

    2. Adonis says:

      Eat a d*ck Amanda… As$holes run the dating world… It is what it is… And Max is keepin’ it a buck to make people’s lives better… She is a living sacrifice for us random women And has more male groupies than she LEADS on

      It gets me hot how people want to blame a blogger for a man’s poor choices… #C’monSon

    3. Sam Sharpe says:

      I love when people are disappointed in or dislike a blog but then keep coming back and/or leave comments.

      Puhleeze.

  23. privatedancer says:

    RUN!! Don’t do it MAX! DON’T! I am all for closure and all but nothing good is gonna come of this NOTHING! What are you really trying to prove? That you’re over him and that you’re smarter? Why does that point need to be proven? If you KNOW that you are in a better place then you don’t need to prove anything to yourself, and if he was that bad to you then who cares what he thinks he should just be a (bad) memory his opinion should’nt matter to you.

    In the balance of power I agree that you have shifted it in his favor just by asking to see him. You could’ve/should’ve waited for HIM to make the request (S/A are predictable and he would’ve definitely asked you) so that you could’ve shut him down and THAT would’ve been your way of “proving’ your growth to yourself and him.

    It was best said before can’t remember by who but I co-sign that the best revenge is for him to “see on his own” how much better you’ve become w/out him. Than you “showing & telling” him yourself.

    Though no experience should be left w/out learning the lesson it was meant to teach; so yup, its great that he was able to teach you some things and unleash your freak. Be grateful but move on and FAR AWAY from the ASSHOLE! By re-inviting him into your life if only briefly you will just bring in the assholery that you’ve got rid of.

    BTW, if you DO proceed w/ meeting him do all of the things “Mostinteresting” said to do lol especially the granny panties and the unmatching bra!

  24. max says:

    You know what I find really interesting about the comments today? The number of women who think I should have waited for him to say he wanted to see me and/or think I was wrong for saying it first. If someone would care to elaborate on what difference it makes I’d love to hear it.

    1. Adonis says:

      I think it makes it worse A LITTLE… that you went first… HOWEVER…

      HE HAS ALL THE LEVERAGE… All he’s needs is your cooperation… That is the KEY… There is no real LOSS for him in this situation…

      1. max says:

        See I guess my thing is that there is no leverage in this situation. If I was trying to get with him or vice versa I’d definitely be concerned about who was putting what out first. But in the case of people wanting to see each other out of curiosity, or for old time’s sake or whatever I don’t see any need to have the upper hand. But maybe I’m missing something.

        1. Adonis says:

          We definitely need an update to this situation… I am ALREADY excited for the sequel

        2. Adonis says:

          This also leads me to a bigger question, if you wanted to be vindictive & stick it to this man… and #WIN, what would be suitable revenge from you to him… or just how would you come out on top (for a woman)…?

          1. max says:

            I would never do that. Not my style at all.

      2. keisha brown says:

        oh dear. hell is freezing.
        i agree with adonis.
        welp.

        you mentioning it first leads him to believe that you still have an interest in going there. if he had mentioned it first, it would have maybe alleviated your need to know if you still cross his mind (#nobrianmcknight)

        1. Starita34 says:

          ::Completely pointless comment::
          I prefer Jill Scott… http://youtu.be/qlo8TJYZHqM

          Oh girl, this song…*mind wanders*

  25. A fool is a fool as long as the fool wants to be a fool. The moment a fool wises up…

    I smile whenever even IMPLICATIONS are given that the only a$$holes in the world are men… I’ve met some EXEMPLARY a$$holes with vaginas… (smile) And people wonder why I’m the happy-go-lucky dude I am…

    1. Adonis says:

      I feel you homie, but women scream the loudest when scorned, and they are the physically weaker (and more manipulating sex)

      1. “…women scream the loudest when scorned…” (smile) I’m working on changing that–the scars a man wears should not silence him NOR should the world. “…and they are the physically weaker…” (blink) What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?!

        1. Adonis says:

          “…and they are the physically weaker…” (blink) What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?!

          Because from a subconscious standpoint being that she is weaker in that respect fuels the whole “she’s a victim” theory and “he deserved it somehow” theory… Instead of seeing a situation objectively…

          1. (smile) And, being such that I am looking at the situation objectively is why I posed the question in the first place… The “woman is always the victim” propaganda doesn’t faze me. (smile) Experiences have taught me better…

  26. Sam Sharpe says:

    I don’t know enough about dude to give you any meaningful counsel, but I do know that spectacular a$$holes are only really a good thing if you’re looking to toss a salad…

    Having said that, I don’t know if there’s any real harm in seeing him if you are honest and clear with yourself about your feelings for him and set boundaries appropriately. I think Most’s advice is on point.

  27. melissa says:

    you’re gonna go.
    i don’t think it’s necessarily a good idea, but if anyone understands doing things out of curiosity even when you know you probably shouldn’t, it’s me. i don’t think anything good will come out of it tho. and i don’t think your excitement comes solely from wanting to show him how good you are now. one drink can lead to dinner next week, which can lead to lets do something on friday, which can lead to weekly hanging, which can lead to old feelings slowly coming back, which can lead to, omg…how did i get here again, which can lead to probably good sex and before you know it, you’re in the vortex again.

    i have a hard time in general understanding why people give the people who’ve hurt them, caused strife, disrespected them a third chance (second chance is understandable but any more than that is not). i’m not even talking about a relationship/sexual sense…i mean a chance at entering your life, period. i believe in moving forward and i do believe in exes being friends but when someone disrespects you and hurts you, repeatedly, i think that’s when they lose their privileges to be a part of your life. if you guys have both gotten to the good places you’re at without each other, be happy for each other but leave it at that.

  28. But yeah, your level of curiosity, like Most mentioned, is gonna be the reason you probably but hopefully don’t go. If you do go and it turns out bad, lessons are always fun, right? :/

    1. “…lessons are always fun, right?” Laughing demonically in a distorted version of Mark Hamill’s version of the Joker… (face suddenly blanks)

      No…

  29. Starita34 says:

    Max this was an outstanding post…and much advice has been given, good advice I’d say…but you know you…so do what’s best for Max. I couldn’t meet him, but we are much different creatures…with support and forethought, you will come out on top sooner or later. There is no answer sheet in life.

    I will ask this: What do you hope to accomplish in seeing him?

    I believe that we’ve all been here, or will have been here -> “I was a spectacular fool for this man.” And as life is to be lived, mistakes are to be learned from.

  30. René says:

    Wow…66 comments already? Let me start from the top.

  31. René says:

    Not much to add. You’re definitely gonna hook up with him. (I’ll do same if I was you) Who asked first doesn’t matter. There’s no right or wrong..just do what you want. You’re smarter now. Even if you start catching feelings again, now, you’ll know when to up and leave. You won’t be brooding like you used ti.

  32. RedLady821 says:

    Hey Max,

    Sorry I’m late but I wouldn’t do it. SA’s are that for a reason. I dated one once and he broke my heart into a million pieces. Of course he called me about six month’s later and said “I just need to talk to a friend.” I said, “I’m not your friend, so call someone else”. I finally spoke to him in FB for the first time in over 20 years. Yeah, it took me that long to get over it and he still said “I’m so sorry for how I treated you.” I told him that I was over it.

    He told me that he was having a mid life crisis, driving a red sports convertible and dating women half his age. I said “That’s about right.” There was nothing else to be said.

  33. NC17 says:

    I think you should see him, I’m sure you’re at a point in your life where you can ricochet anything he fires at you, but you have to test yourself. It’s like Luke Skywalker, he was afraid to go into that cave on Dagobah, Yoda told his ass he was ready. He went in, came out a better person… yes i’ve watched star wars way too many times.

    Sidenote I had your blog up this morning when I first started reading it, I walk in and my girl is reading it like “who’s this”. I was very upset that she flat out refuses to read my blog but inhaled yours passionately. You win.

  34. Larry says:

    I say go ahead. You pointed out already that you made peace with him in the past, so there will be no necessary conversation revolving around apologies and “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s”. Most gave good advice so go on and follow that. For a society that thrives on giving people 2nd chances, loves hearing stories of how people have changed for the better and believe in the principle that one must face their fears and learn to forgive in order to overcome, I find alot of the comments fairly surprising. As long as the meet up adds value to your life then do your thing.
    As far as people worrying about him casting his evil spell upon you again I would just remember the very popular saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”

  35. Kriola says:

    “If he’s the asshole who got in his car and drove over me, I’m the fool who laid down in the street and didn’t move when I saw the car coming for me”

    I think I am just pulling out of a similar situation, its just really hard to completely not give a fuck about someone or what they think when your life used to revolve around them. I know that you want to prove to him that you are better without him but the fact that you still care what he thinks says a lot, it says you still care. While I am a HUGE hypocrite for saying this, I really think that you should just steer clear until he doesn’t excite you at all, until you really don’t care what he thinks either way.

  36. Anonymous says:

    What if he IS doing better than you?…

  37. Persnickity says:

    My advice. I’ve dated a spectacular asshole for the better part of my twenties too. Oh…he was spectacular in the asshole ways. Despite how strong I am now and what I’ve learnt and gained from that experience, I can’t forget the hurt and pain that I had to go through to move on from that.
    If you’re able to be friends with your EX then kudos to you. But I think it really depends on your relationship and how it ended. This “SA” you speak of, you mentioned he did you wrong not once, but twice. That’s all you need to think of. What will you gain from this meetup? He’s an EX for a reason. Leave it. Don’t have drinks with him. Don’t let him back in.

  38. i have been that guy…some might say i still am. but those some still LOVE me…yet still hate the fact that they do. spectacular in the sense that i am the lingering, memorable thrill of a red pill…easy to swallow, hard to digest–impossible to divest. asshole in the sense that…well–an asshole sense (sometimes in a good way–sometimes in the worst way). but while i’m sympathetic to the characterization, the spectacular asshole isn’t the subject of importance here…it’s YOU.

    these words are a byproduct of your feelings…you’d been lookin’ for him–your search was cosmically answered. you want to see him…and so you should. if you felt differently about him, yourself or the state of your relationship…this post wouldn’t exist. you’re entitled to your feelings…and to the follow through. denying yourself will leave you with unnecessary wonder. action almost always bears less regret than inaction…so be cautious, but not fearful.

    ps

    it’s a beautiful thing that you can look back and “see” the same things differently…AND admit it–that would be a great theme to develop.

  39. Stacy says:

    I say go for it! You only live once. Embrace this opportunity but have no expectations. What is the worst that can happen, you have already walked,crawled or been mopped up from the floor due to the emotional trauma this spectacular asshole has caused you. So look at the bright side to what seemed to be unbearable at the time has only made you tougher, your heart has been callused from it. You will never be hurt like that again, at least not from him. So if that makes any sense at all thats my advice to you girlfriend but this is coming from someone stuck in a relationship with a spectacular asshole as we speak and the sick part is i am addicted to the disfunction meaning i choose to stay in this misery when i have other brighter, and beneficial opportunities.

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