Dear Men: You Are Not Kanye

Kanye_West_Raf_Simons_Sneakers-2

I once had to ban my boyfriend from listening to Jay-Z. Now I’m as big a Jigga fan as anyone else out there but my guy was just getting out of control trying to bring his lyrics to life. One too many spins of The Life and Times of S. Carter and my dude was answering everything with a lyric. It got to the point where I literally told him that if he kept saying “thug n***** til the end, tell a friend bitch” every time I asked him why he couldn’t pick his briefs up off the bathroom floor, the end was going to come a lot sooner than he expected. That’s a true story.

These days there’s a new bad influence in town and his name is Kanye West. And before we go any further let me just let you know up front that my beef is not with Yeezy. Only the readers of this site who live in Toronto are gonna get this joke, but I could never be mad at anyone who storms out on Flow 93.5. That was classic.

Anyway, so my beef is not with Kanye, but with the idiot men out there who are using what they perceive Kanye’s life to be like as the blueprint for what their lives are like. Listen – about 80% of the shit Kanye does he gets away with because he’s famous and the other 20% he gets away with because he’s a fucking genius. So unless you are a famous genius you need to sit all the way down with your obnoxious behaviour. If I hear one more man use “I could have me a good girl but still be addicted to them hood rats” as a justification for his shitty relationship choices I’m going to scream. I swear I will. Because – while I will admit I was not in the studio when Runaway was being recorded – I’m pretty sure that line was not created to give all men everywhere a ready excuse for their fondness for basic bitches.

And while Kanye can pull off choke-seed pants and tuxedo jackets with no shirts underneath despite the fact that he could use a bit of a chest wax, you, my friend, cannot. You cannot. Put a shirt on and give your stones some air unless you have enough bank to finance the donor sperm your future wife will need to get pregnant because you let all your swimmers asphyxiate. Repeat after me: I am not a celebrity.

And because you’re not a celebrity, please also skip the outrageous and obnoxious behaviour. I rate a cocky dude, but jumping up on tables, screaming at the top of your lungs, cursing out bouncers, and refusing to comply with club dress codes make you officially an asshole. Do not go around trying to thug people because they are “eyeballing” you, and don’t tell a man you can take his b!tch unless said bitch has confirmed that you can, in fact, take her. If Kanye wants to go around doing that to people, he can. Because Kanye can take your bitch. You? Not so much.

Kanye gets away with what he does because he has the goods to back it up. And while I would never suggest that only a famous man can justify prick-ish behaviour, I will say this: if you’re gonna be a Kanye, please back it up with his emotional sensitivity, wordplay and giant cock talent. Remember that what fuels Kanye’s spoiled behaviour is a love of music. Please also remember that he works in an industry where all attention – including negative attention – is good attention. He needs to have his name in people’s mouths, you do not. Kanye West operates on a level that most people – you included – will probably never reach. And remember that saying outrageous things because you’re passionate is a lot different from saying outrageous things because you want attention.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I can’t understand being influenced by a celebrity. I can get with the idea of taking some cues from Kanye and interspersing them with your personality. But you need some balance. Let me put it to you like this: I love a video hoe and I have a shrine to Jessica Burciaga on my phone but I’m not trying to emulate her in every aspect of my life, I save that for the bedroom. Which is where I suggest you confine your Kanye-isms, because that’s the only place your antics will be welcomed with open legs arms.

So on behalf of women everywhere who are sick and tired of men who are trying to be Kanye and only succeeding at being obnoxious pricks, I respectfully ask you to please, in the name of Amber Rose’s ass, stop immediately.

Love,
Max

p.s. The #kanyeshrug every time we say something to you that is important but you don’t want to hear? Yeah stop that too. Please and thank you.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 31

  1. Cheekie says:

    Excuse me while I step away for a moment and yell, “YASSSSSSSSSSSS!”

    This post was dopeness.

    1. Adonis says:

      I didn’t get a chance to tell her how much I enjoy all this writing… #BAWSE

  2. Adonis says:

    #KanyeShrug…

    #WhereDeyDoThatAt… Kanye West doesn’t do it for me…

    I told you I appreciate the Chris Browns & Trey Songz of the world…

    I have yet to get away with BadBoy behavior, I doubt if I can get away with KW behavior…

  3. Nicole says:

    YES!! Good grief this post has you winning!! Loved it. Basic ninjas do nothing but quote Ye, Jay, Lil Wayne and all rappers whose lifestyle they want to emulate. Like you said they lack the entrepreneurial skills, the passion, and the emotional connection, to even attempt to reach these heights of creative innovation and marketing. When I hear/read lines on bbm statuses, etc…i tune them out.

    1. MsLHDC says:

      #cosign …. tis all

  4. Tisha says:

    Thank you Max…that is all

  5. peter parker says:

    cool post, i totally agree. folks need to stop trying to life they’re life through Kanye’s lyrics.

    now if you’ll excuse me…i’m MC Hammer *does a Hammer Dance*

  6. I cringed a couple times in the third paragraph when the word GENIUS was thrown around – I will assume Max mean’s MUSICAL genius..But if Max meant more than I must add:

    http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2010/11/lets-cut-the-bs-nas-is-not-a-socially-conscious-prophet-kanyes-not-a-genius/

    1. Malik says:

      I co-sign this, even though I don’t feel Kanye is a musical genius because he still doesn’t know how to sample and far too much of his work is overproduced.

      On topic, dudes emulating rappers is the worst. Granted there have been multiple times I’ve done a little Ghostdeni impressions (Remember when I long dicked up and broke your ovaries!) and Pusha-Ts UGHKT is in my vernacular.

      1. max says:

        A Ghostdini impression is always okay in my book!

  7. BSQUARED86 says:

    “And while Kanye can pull off choke-seed pants and tuxedo jackets with no shirts underneath despite the fact that he could use a bit of a chest wax, you, my friend, cannot. You cannot. Put a shirt on and give your stones some air unless you have enough bank to finance the donor sperm your future wife will need to get pregnant because you let all your swimmers asphyxiate. Repeat after me: I am not a celebrity.”

    I need to carry around post-it notes with this on them and stick em on all offenders, lol.

    Awesome post!

  8. Danielle says:

    LMAO! Thank God I have not been around that. The joys of rural Maine living. You have your young white boys trying to act like thugs and I just look at them and think I grew up in the South Bronx during the rise of crack/cocaine and you live in South Portland. The two shall never meet…

    But I will use “I’m having a Kanye moment”- when I need to interject into a conversation something that has completely nothing to do with the subject at hand. Because for that truly selfish moment nothing else fits but that. I need the attention on me any usually insane issue. lol

    And I do like #Kanyeshrug# because being online you sometimes can’t convey the right emotions even with the written word. So when you use the hash tag it says to me this person simply doesn’t care what is said. At all. Nothing matters but what they said. lol

    1. max says:

      Hahaha I love “I’m having a Kanye moment”! I’m gonna use that.

  9. BGirl says:

    OmG Yes! If I see one more fool in tight red pants I’m going to scream. lol but I do love the # Kanyeshrug

    Great post lady.

  10. BP says:

    p.s. The #kanyeshrug every time we say something to you that is important but you don’t want to hear? Yeah stop that too. Please and thank you.

    THIS! You killed it! I just love me some you Max!

  11. Alovelydai says:

    Yes fucking ma’am!!!!!

  12. OSHH says:

    Using Kanye as a blueprint for anything other than tenacity when you know you have talent, is a failure. I don’t see alot of that anyway, but I did see alot of lil Wayne clones LLS in this younger generation.

  13. Tellylonglegs says:

    This post was funny. I agree with everything you mentioned.

  14. LaLaBakir says:

    I’ll toast to this!

  15. Dewan says:

    This post is hilarious, but women should stop thinking they’re Nicki Minaj:) I’ve got like 10 Facebook friends that changed their names to “Black Barbie.” Like I told my homegirl, “I see the Black, but the Barbie’s not so apparent.”

    But you’re right, the Kanye stans are out of control. Especially the guys who try to play the “no one understands me, tortured artist” role. How can you be a tortured artist that hasn’t produced any art? Negroes…

  16. Menelaus says:

    I don’t know if I admire Kanye for the things that you said, which is why I don’t know how to take this article. I don’t think the men you are talking about actually compare themselves to Kanye. Their manliness won’t allow it. They just think they are being fashionable. However, I take these things away from Kanye:

    1) Great drive
    2) He actually speaks his mind. So many people are afraid to speak their mind because they care so much about their image. There are men and women who see “not cool” shit happen everyday and they remain silent. People hide behind “it’s not that serious” instead of speaking up.
    3) He challenges the status quo.
    4) He is convinced of his talent and instead of conforming, he is a trailblazer.

    If more men focus on these aspects, than the others I can’t say it’s a bad thing.

    1. max says:

      I think you’re right in that there are a lot of good things about Kanye that a lot of men would do well to emulate. And I think that a lot of Kanye’s…shall we say questionable behaviour stems from a good place.

      The problem is that some men just emulate the questionable behaviour without acquiring the attributes that drive them and exuberance that isn’t fueled by drive or passion pretty much amounts to obnoxiousness.

  17. Adrian says:

    I agree. You can’t be throwing tantrums like a celebrity unless you actually are a celebrity.

    With that said…
    “ahem” I just need to clear my throat for this one “ahem”
    Kanye West is a pompous douchebag who is… … HIGHLY OVERRATED…

    That is all.

  18. Adrian says:

    I agree. You can’t be throwing tantrums like a celebrity unless you actually are a celebrity.

    With that said…
    “ahem” I just need to clear my throat for this one “ahem”
    Kanye West is a pompous douchebag who is… wait for it… HIGHLY OVERRATED…

    That is all.

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