Dear Men: You Are Not Kanye
I once had to ban my boyfriend from listening to Jay-Z. Now I’m as big a Jigga fan as anyone else out there but my guy was just getting out of control trying to bring his lyrics to life. One too many spins of The Life and Times of S. Carter and my dude was [...]
I once had to ban my boyfriend from listening to Jay-Z. Now I’m as big a Jigga fan as anyone else out there but my guy was just getting out of control trying to bring his lyrics to life. One too many spins of The Life and Times of S. Carter and my dude was answering everything with a lyric. It got to the point where I literally told him that if he kept saying “thug n***** til the end, tell a friend bitch” every time I asked him why he couldn’t pick his briefs up off the bathroom floor, the end was going to come a lot sooner than he expected. That’s a true story.
These days there’s a new bad influence in town and his name is Kanye West. And before we go any further let me just let you know up front that my beef is not with Yeezy. Only the readers of this site who live in Toronto are gonna get this joke, but I could never be mad at anyone who storms out on Flow 93.5. That was classic.
Anyway, so my beef is not with Kanye, but with the idiot men out there who are using what they perceive Kanye’s life to be like as the blueprint for what their lives are like. Listen – about 80% of the shit Kanye does he gets away with because he’s famous and the other 20% he gets away with because he’s a fucking genius. So unless you are a famous genius you need to sit all the way down with your obnoxious behaviour. If I hear one more man use “I could have me a good girl but still be addicted to them hood rats” as a justification for his shitty relationship choices I’m going to scream. I swear I will. Because – while I will admit I was not in the studio when Runaway was being recorded – I’m pretty sure that line was not created to give all men everywhere a ready excuse for their fondness for basic bitches.
And while Kanye can pull off choke-seed pants and tuxedo jackets with no shirts underneath despite the fact that he could use a bit of a chest wax, you, my friend, cannot. You cannot. Put a shirt on and give your stones some air unless you have enough bank to finance the donor sperm your future wife will need to get pregnant because you let all your swimmers asphyxiate. Repeat after me: I am not a celebrity.
And because you’re not a celebrity, please also skip the outrageous and obnoxious behaviour. I rate a cocky dude, but jumping up on tables, screaming at the top of your lungs, cursing out bouncers, and refusing to comply with club dress codes make you officially an asshole. Do not go around trying to thug people because they are “eyeballing” you, and don’t tell a man you can take his b!tch unless said bitch has confirmed that you can, in fact, take her. If Kanye wants to go around doing that to people, he can. Because Kanye can take your bitch. You? Not so much.
Kanye gets away with what he does because he has the goods to back it up. And while I would never suggest that only a famous man can justify prick-ish behaviour, I will say this: if you’re gonna be a Kanye, please back it up with his emotional sensitivity, wordplay and giant
cock talent. Remember that what fuels Kanye’s spoiled behaviour is a love of music. Please also remember that he works in an industry where all attention – including negative attention – is good attention. He needs to have his name in people’s mouths, you do not. Kanye West operates on a level that most people – you included – will probably never reach. And remember that saying outrageous things because you’re passionate is a lot different from saying outrageous things because you want attention.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I can’t understand being influenced by a celebrity. I can get with the idea of taking some cues from Kanye and interspersing them with your personality. But you need some balance. Let me put it to you like this: I love a video hoe and I have a shrine to Jessica Burciaga on my phone but I’m not trying to emulate her in every aspect of my life, I save that for the bedroom. Which is where I suggest you confine your Kanye-isms, because that’s the only place your antics will be welcomed with open
So on behalf of women everywhere who are sick and tired of men who are trying to be Kanye and only succeeding at being obnoxious pricks, I respectfully ask you to please, in the name of Amber Rose’s ass, stop immediately.
p.s. The #kanyeshrug every time we say something to you that is important but you don’t want to hear? Yeah stop that too. Please and thank you.