The After-Sex Phone Call
2011
Conversations among girlfriends about the first time one of them slams a dude can vary wildly depending on many things. If the sex was good the discussion will be peppered with squeals of delight and “Girrrrrrrl”s and shudders of sympathetic ecstasy. If it was bad there will be a lot of hand patting and “oh [...]
Conversations among girlfriends about the first time one of them slams a dude can vary wildly depending on many things. If the sex was good the discussion will be peppered with squeals of delight and “Girrrrrrrl”s and shudders of sympathetic ecstasy. If it was bad there will be a lot of hand patting and “oh no”s and much shaking of heads and asking the heavens “why WHY don’t men UNDERSTAND that??”. But no matter which direction the discussion goes in, sooner or later the listener is going to ask the teller the most important question of all.
Did you hear from him the next day?
The answer to this question can make or break the story.
For many women, the presence or absence of the post-first-slam phone call (or text message) is the definitive characteristic of the encounter. Whether a man hits us up the next day has so much significance; even if we aren’t able to articulate what the significance is. It just…says something about a man if he doesn’t contact you. And I don’t know what it says but it ain’t good.
Now being the sexual libertine that I am, I recognize that there are some situations that do not warrant a post-sex call. If you knowingly went into a one-night stand, there is no reasonable expectation of a phone call. If you slam a dude the day you meet him, you have no right to expect a call. And if you have sex that is clearly without attached strings, can you really expect a phone call? And wouldn’t a call just confuse things? To be honest, I rate a dude that doesn’t call a woman he slammed if he knows he has no intentions toward her. I think it’s the honest thing to do.
But still…I judge men who don’t call after the first time they hit the nani. I think it’s just rude.And it bothers me that I think this because I feel like I’m just “being a girl” and you guys know how much I hate that. So the purpose of this post is just to help me determine whether I – and those who agree with me – am being unreasonable in expecting contact the day after the first time or are the men who don’t do this vaguely assholey as I suspect they are?
So weigh in, my dear readers, and let’s come to an understanding about this. Men please let me in on the thought process behind not contacting a girl the day after the first time fuck. Is it a respect thing? Like you don’t call the women who don’t warrant a call? Does it just not occur to you? Are you oblivious to the significance some women assign to it? Are you afraid that calling after the first time you have sex automatically means you’re in a relationship?
And women – how important is the post-first-time call for you? Does its absence sour the experience for you or are you unfazed by it? Do you judge men who don’t call after sex? Discuss in the comments.
Oh and p.s. – a lot of you have been asking me where you can watch my guest appearance on Everyone’s Stupid But Me this past Sunday. First of all, stick out your hand and let me slap your wrists for asking me how you can watch a live debate that occurred in the past. Secondly, you’re in luck because the lovely host Shannon actually recorded it and you can watch it here if you have an hour to kill.
Related posts:
- Call It Your P*ssy (A @drjayjack guest post)
- I Wish Someone Would: The Booty Call Edition
- Max in Real Life – I Hate the Phone!
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I see no reason to call someone that was a one time shot. Now me personally, if I beat pretty quick I’ll probably call back at some point just to get back in with minimal, if any work. It’s not so much a respect thing as just, sometimes you have little to no regard for the woman’s feelings. Don’t take it personal. I can assure you that dudes who haven’t beat don’t REALLY care all that much about how you feelin. As long as he knows (or thinks) that he’s on deck. I don’t know about the whole relationship question although I will say that some women put WAAAAYYY too many extras on getting that thing wapped out proper. Just take it for what it is. If he calls today or tomorrow or whenever, roll with it.
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It’s not so much a respect thing as just, sometimes you have little to no regard for the woman’s feelings.
That sounds a lot like you don’t respect the woman to me.
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well like you said if it’s a one night stand type situation there is no need to call the next day. if it’s another type of situation and i don’t call then that speaks volumes about what i think about you. most times i’ll call even if i don’t want to but by the off chance i don’t call then i probably don’t respect you. plain and simple. well that or your sex was unbelievably bad.
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I feel like when you go into a situation like sex both parties should know what the deal is from the beginning. Making it out like it’s an obligation to call someone after coitus (just wanted to say that word) makes it seem like the equivalent of thanking ppl for your high school graduation gifts. So if it’s viewed like that I was taught that thank you cards must be sent out no less than two week after the event. So does someone have a two week wait period to call you after sex?
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I don’t know…I personally think that there should be some form of contact the next day if you have intentions toward the person.
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I might pull a NC-17 & masturbate to your hour special #IsThisMICWorking…
I know this will drive you crazy… But this is coming from an immature reformed 23 year old… Average Frustrated Chump
I believe when it comes to smashing a girl the first 3-5 times… I am all games, I may call, I may not (mostly latter)… I could care less about common courtesy, I am trying to get you hooked & emotionally invested… So, based on my objective, I see no reason to call, if it is not for the “Greater Good” (of my plans to rule the world, & your heart…)
After that, then I will go back to play for #TeamHonesty, and maybe #TeamCourtesy…
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Max I agree with you that women should not look forward to a phone call after a one night stand.
I think of it this way….if you were confident enough to sleep with someone the first time you meet them. Please be confident enough to get up put your panties and walk (ride, skip, run, drive) off into the sunset. Also be confident that the person number will not show up in your callers ID the next day.
If its someone you have been talking too for a while, then you have a problem and obviously he was after one thing….sex
So ladies if you are not confident enough to deal with the aftermath of a one night stand don’t do it. Me I have too much confidence (reason my last semester senior college days meets me in my room by myself reading blogs) to take part in such festivities.
Thats all carry on folks.
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I had a coupla one nighters in my past…I heard back..I don’t think it was the VERY next day for one….but, the other one. Never. I didn’t even care..it was just for fun…I wasn’t all that concerned…Now, if I have been kickin’ it with a guy..and we are trying to get to know one another and dating……I do want to hear back the next day..and I have usually heard back from these guys…..and it was a nice feeling.
I think, if I guy doesn’t get back to a woman he has been getting to know over a period of time…he was just after one thing..and (or) he is a jackhole.
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I agree with you your majesty
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And this is the problem with casual (pre relationship) sex. Everybody is gonna make up their own rules and call them the standard.
Here’s my addition to the pot of bullshit. The chick who gave it up before knowing well enough the man’s intentions is a whore. The man too pussy to let the chick know pre or post skintimacy of his intentions is.. well, a pussy. Everybody is wrong all the damn time..
To be fair tho, I just lost my virginity..
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Hmmm I see some of what you’re saying. But the intention of the post was not to examine whether a call is necessary when it’s no-strings/no intention sex (it’s not and we all know that) but to understand why men don’t call when sex occurs as part of the getting to know you process.
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Like others have said it depends on the situation. If you all have been getting to know one another for the last few months but you have always initiated contact then what makes you think he’s going to initiated contact just because you finally gave it up. If you don’t know a person’s communication habits well enough to read their feelings from getting a call or not getting a call should you be that concerned if they don’t call the next day?
Also if it was an awkward night they are probably avoiding the conversation about why they went soft in the middle of the act even though your bomb head game brought them back to life.
After we smash the first time if i haven’t heard from the guy by mid day the next day I’ll contact him making sure to mention that I enjoyed last night. Guys love for their egos to be stroked and rest assured he will stroke yours back. (Caution that stroke back may be a lie)
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Let’s see. This is what I mean by vag politics. So basically we had sex last night, for the first time and I didn’t stay over. I’m going to put this in the casual category and I’m not calling. I may send a text. I don’t have the calling problem because any woman I would call, I’m probably going to see her in the morning. I mean if you really care about someone why would you send them out in the night to the freaks?
How about when you finish the deed and then are like “so can I get your number now?”
Last point, if I never used the phone to get to this point, I’m never using the phone after. Don’t expect a guy who’s never called you before to pick up the phone and call you after the deed. In his mind its not necessary to continue beating. Its just not.
Postscript: If a guy has put in mad work, to the point that you begin to think he’s putting in MAD work, don’t get gassed. You’re at high risk for a no phone call back. I can think of at least three chicks that I put in so much work that at one point I only wanted to beat. I was that upset. So after I beat, I washed my hands, left the toilet seat up and went home. I never called again and all subsequent attempts to get in contact with me were met with “man I’m just really busy.”. (this don’t work if your sex game aint proper)
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I was wondering when I would reach a comment that included someone staying over! If you spend time with them in the morning does that count as a call back? What if they stay over every time it happens? #imjustsaying
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Afternoon Max, you already know how I feel about this but you asked that I comment too. First, I co-sign everything Dr.J said above.
Second, i’ll call if I remember but to be honest its not an insult if I don’t. I, and maybe men, don’t think that much about it. Honestly, a lot of men base their actions towards women on how they think the women will react. That is, if he even cares enough to care. In other words, most guys will call/text because they want to hit again and they know doing this minor action will help grease the roads to re-f*ckin.
As Dr.J said tho, I don’t really talk on the phone period anymore. I may write about this. I swear its been 6 months or longer since I “talked” on the phone for more than 30mins to a woman. I can, and prob most men, get in between most women’s legs by using a variety of communications that don’t involve talking. Logically, this is admittedly strange to me but I’m also not complaining.
2am text: “You sleep?”
You know what it is…
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Once we factor sleepovers into the equation I’m completely lost because – as you all know – I don’t do them. But I guess if you wake up with someone the morning after the sex that counts as next-day contact and it’s all good.
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Everyone keeps referring to one night stands but the majority of sexual encounters (for MOST people) are not one night stands. Do you guys still think it’s okay to not call or text after a smash that isn’t a one night stand?
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I agree with Dr J comment. I believe a lot of one night stands happen. Some people don’t know to tell the difference between a night stand or something more serious. Yeah I know it should be easy if he smash on the first night and don’t call thats a one night stand. Right?! Wrong for some people because they expect a call the next or days after that.
I think if people understood the difference then we would have less of these conversations and less unhappy women.
Its also very very disrespectful if the person doesn’t call the next day especially if its someone you have been talking to before the encounter.
Am I wrong for thinking this?
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I think I’m with most of the folks here when I say it’s all circumstantial. There’s no one size fits all policy that works or covers every situation. But reading the post and the responses did get me thinking about one thing:
If this is such a big to you ladies, if talking to or communicating with a man who you just f*cked is so important why don’t you call him or text him first. I mean all this analysis over what it means if and when he calls after the first slam just smacks of some stuck in the olden days sexual politics where men do the work/acting and women are acted upon.
If he’s just a sidepiece or a one night stand or you don’t know him well etc…then him not calling is totally understandable if not expected. But if it’s something more, why did you kick him out of your place (or why did you leave his) right after the deed and why can’t you call him?
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Okay I’m not going to address the “why don’t you call him” part of your comment because I already know we’re not going to see eye-to-eye on that.
But taking that out of the equation for a moment, I’m curious about the circumstantial/no one size fits all policy part of your comment. So what factors influence whether you contact a woman the next day? This is the heart of what I’m trying to understand with this discussion.
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Well, I guess the way I see it is that this is only an issue at the beginning of a relationship if and/or when the status or expectations haven’t been clearly defined or in a situation where one or both partners want something “more” or if one or both partners are into playing games. Because if it’s just a slam, then it’s just a slam there shouldn’t even be a conversation or discussion to be had.
Personally, I don’t play games so that wouldn’t apply to me but me calling a woman is dependent on the dynamics of a given situation. Was it just a one off? Do I want another run? Is there relationship potential? Am I busy? I mean there are so many things that can come into play because as I said before, unless it looks like something “more” can come of it I’m not sure why there’s emphasis on me calling the next day.
Having said all of that, calling the next day doesn’t necessarily mean more or less than if I don’t call.
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I agree with Sam, it just depends. I can sit here and list 1001 reasons why he may have not called, but most women then hit you with the “well if I was important to you then you would have found time to call” B.S. I mean, seriously, is it the end of the world if he doesn’t call the very next day, but then hits you up the day after? Your own perception isn’t everyone else’s reality. Real Talk. Many times people attempt to read things between the lines when in fact there’s nothing there to read.
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I might send a text I might not. Either way its still peace tho!
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If it was a one time thing, i really don’t care when he calls, there was this guy that didn’t call until the 3rd day and i don’t think i noticed….
It all depends, if it’s someone we’ve been talking and finally did it, then i feel it’s common courtesy for him to call….
I’d rather a guy not call me the day after if it’s only casual sex. For me, it may raise a false hope that just maybe, he wants something more…..
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If women don’t expect men to get their shorts in a wad when such women don’t call certain men they smash, then such women shouldn’t whine when karma gives them a pimp-slap… (smiles fiendishly as I fade into the darkness…)
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Jumpoffs (one night stands) and the like are not, i repeat NOT required to make after coitus next day phone calls and/or texts. If you ladies feel that they should than maybe jumping off just isn’t for you.
The purpose of a jumpoff is to get your rocks off, any time, and keep it moving. You don’t stay over, you don’t leave your toothbrush in the holder next to his, you don’t ask to shower afterwards. Never let your head hit the pillow because you will surely fall asleep. Smash and Dash (copywritten! haha).
Another point I feel I should mention. If he called/texted you sporadically before you pushed your panties to the side, trust and believe he won’t – all of a sudden – start burning a hole in your phone now. Accept it, and move on.
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To me, post-coitus contact is important. I expect it within 24 hours after we split. If I don’t hear from him, I will send a quick email/text/whatever way we’ve been communicating to say Hi. If it wasn’t great, I’ll say ‘nice to meet you’ or something neutral, just to be courteous. If it was great, I’ll say “I’d like to do it again!”. If he doesn’t answer (at the same speed he answered pre-sex emails/texts), he gets put in the a-hole bin. If he gets back to me in 2 weeks and says he’d like to see me again, I laugh at his sorry azz. The reality is that if a guy enjoyed the sex, he will get back to you the next day, if he doesn’t it’s because he’s just not interested. Why waste your time with someone who doesn’t enjoy sex with you????
If it’s a one-nighter, then you don’t have the phone number/email to contact, so there is no expectation.
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Idk….I’ve been in a relationship for like…ever. But it seems to me if he doesn’t call…he’s just not that into you.
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So this guy and I have been texting/sexting and talking every day for 2 1/2 weeks, but haven’t been able to go out due to our schedules with work, kids, etc. So finally I steal away to see him yesterday and we fool around, no sex. Just very heavy petting.
And today…Nuthin. So I sent him a brief text with that stupid Android kissing…his response “LOL”. I said “I wasn’t trying to be funny”, him: “I was giggling cause I liked it”.
Haven’t heard from him since.
WHAT UP?? I am NOT texting or calling him. But if he DOES contact me, what’s my stance?
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Just be polite and cool. Make him work a little to get back in your good graces.
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hey guys
I just recently had a one night stand which lasted more then just the night. it lasted until like mid-day when i left. here’s the full story. I went to a toga party on friday being single for the first time in a few months and was just looking to drink not expecting to meet a guy and go back to his dorm. well eventually i did and the night and morning was amazing. afterwards we left for some “brunch” and got my stuff from a friends room and went back to his to take a nice little nap spooning. i left his place around 5pm that day and he messaged me on facebook a few days later meaning tuesday. im not so sure if that counts as a call back but its been pondering my mind. i was not expecting him to message me at all but it happened. i did tell him that i would like a friendship with him since we are in music programs together but all of my friends think that he might want another booty call or a relationship and i dont know what to think of it so if someone can please explain this to me it would really help in this situation.
Thanxxx
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hey guys
I just recently had a one night stand which lasted more then just the night. it lasted until like mid-day when i left. here’s the full story. I went to a toga party on friday being single for the first time in a few months and was just looking to drink not expecting to meet a guy and go back to his dorm. well eventually i did and the night and morning was amazing. afterwards we left for some “brunch” and got my stuff from a friends room and went back to his to take a nice little nap spooning. i left his place around 5pm that day and he messaged me on facebook a few days later meaning tuesday. im not so sure if that counts as a call back but its been pondering my mind. i was not expecting him to message me at all but it happened. i did tell him that i would like a friendship with him since we are in music programs together but all of my friends think that he might want another booty call or a relationship and i dont know what to think of it so if someone can please explain this to me it would really help in this situation.
Thanxxx
jess
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When a guy doesn’t call I think it signifies a total disregard for her heart. Not all women expect a relationship but we all do think with our emotions. We don’t expect you to love us but we do expect you to care. When a guy doesn’t indicate that he cares, it makes you feel sort of inhumane – almost as if you aren’t human and your feelings don’t matter.
Simply put, no one wants to feel as if they don’t matter.
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Okay, so this guy and I have been back and forth for a while now almost 2 years. We have been flirting, and every time we came across each other we would have meaningful conversations, hugs, and kisses. Just the other night we went out with his younger brother at a bar and karaoke night, I enjoyed watching him sing. We talked for a little while, he told me about his past; and then we dropped off his brother at home. His car broke down so I was doing the driving, so while we talked things progressed and well long story short we had our skintimacy experience. He didn’t call the next day, but we never really talked on an everyday basis prior, but he said he had an amazing time with me two days later……any opinions?
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I had a one night stand and the guy didn’t call and it didn’t bother me, but I think it should be a mutual agreement to not expect anything after the fact because its a casual encounter. I think women think too much into it but for a man it’s usually just sex, and a woman shouldn’t expect much or get her hopes high. I don’t see a problem with a women calling a guy or being the assertive one. Because if the sex was good I would just call for a rematch with no problems, and I doubt he would say no. The problem is women get too involved you can’t be too serious after one night of sex that can scare the man off. But if I liked it I am not going to wait for him to call I am going to let him know we should have another round.
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