The After-Sex Phone Call

starkey-y-u-no-call-after-sex

Conversations among girlfriends about the first time one of them slams a dude can vary wildly depending on many things. If the sex was good the discussion will be peppered with squeals of delight and “Girrrrrrrl”s and shudders of sympathetic ecstasy.  If it was bad there will be a lot of hand patting and “oh no”s and much shaking of heads and asking the heavens “why WHY don’t men UNDERSTAND that??”. But no matter which direction the discussion goes in, sooner or later the listener is going to ask the teller the most important question of all.

Did you hear from him the next day?

The answer to this question can make or break the story.

For many women, the presence or absence of the post-first-slam phone call (or text message) is the definitive characteristic of the encounter. Whether a man hits us up the next day has so much significance; even if we aren’t able to articulate what the significance is. It just…says something about a man if he doesn’t contact you. And I don’t know what it says but it ain’t good.

Now being the sexual libertine that I am, I recognize that there are some situations that do not warrant a post-sex call. If you knowingly went into a one-night stand, there is no reasonable expectation of a phone call. If you slam a dude the day you meet him, you have no right to expect a call. And if you have sex that is clearly without attached strings, can you really expect a phone call? And wouldn’t a call just confuse things?  To be honest, I rate a dude that doesn’t call a woman he slammed if he knows he has no intentions toward her. I think it’s the honest thing to do.

But still…I judge men who don’t call after the first time they hit the nani. I think it’s just rude.And it bothers me that I think this because I feel like I’m just “being a girl” and you guys know how much I hate that. So the purpose of this post is just to help me determine whether I – and those who agree with me – am being unreasonable in expecting contact the day after the first time or are the men who don’t do this vaguely assholey as I suspect they are?

So weigh in, my dear readers, and let’s come to an understanding about this. Men please let me in on the thought process behind not contacting a girl the day after the first time fuck.  Is it a respect thing? Like you don’t call the women who don’t warrant a call? Does it just not occur to you? Are you oblivious to the significance some women assign to it? Are you afraid that calling after the first time you have sex automatically means you’re in a relationship?

And women – how important is the post-first-time call for you? Does its absence sour the experience for you or are you unfazed by it? Do you judge men who don’t call after sex? Discuss in the comments.

Oh and p.s. – a lot of you have been asking me where you can watch my guest appearance on Everyone’s Stupid But Me this past Sunday. First of all, stick out your hand and let me slap your wrists for asking me how you can watch a live debate that occurred in the past. Secondly, you’re in luck because the lovely host Shannon actually recorded it and you can watch it here if you have an hour to kill.


bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 54

  1. Corey says:

    I see no reason to call someone that was a one time shot. Now me personally, if I beat pretty quick I’ll probably call back at some point just to get back in with minimal, if any work. It’s not so much a respect thing as just, sometimes you have little to no regard for the woman’s feelings. Don’t take it personal. I can assure you that dudes who haven’t beat don’t REALLY care all that much about how you feelin. As long as he knows (or thinks) that he’s on deck. I don’t know about the whole relationship question although I will say that some women put WAAAAYYY too many extras on getting that thing wapped out proper. Just take it for what it is. If he calls today or tomorrow or whenever, roll with it.

    1. max says:

      It’s not so much a respect thing as just, sometimes you have little to no regard for the woman’s feelings.
      That sounds a lot like you don’t respect the woman to me.

    2. John says:

      @Corey: It sounds like you just need to fuck men from now on because you clearly have no respect for women.

  2. well like you said if it’s a one night stand type situation there is no need to call the next day. if it’s another type of situation and i don’t call then that speaks volumes about what i think about you. most times i’ll call even if i don’t want to but by the off chance i don’t call then i probably don’t respect you. plain and simple. well that or your sex was unbelievably bad.

  3. LoveB_Jones says:

    I feel like when you go into a situation like sex both parties should know what the deal is from the beginning. Making it out like it’s an obligation to call someone after coitus (just wanted to say that word) makes it seem like the equivalent of thanking ppl for your high school graduation gifts. So if it’s viewed like that I was taught that thank you cards must be sent out no less than two week after the event. So does someone have a two week wait period to call you after sex?

    1. max says:

      I don’t know…I personally think that there should be some form of contact the next day if you have intentions toward the person.

  4. Adonis says:

    I might pull a NC-17 & masturbate to your hour special #IsThisMICWorking…

    I know this will drive you crazy… But this is coming from an immature reformed 23 year old… Average Frustrated Chump

    I believe when it comes to smashing a girl the first 3-5 times… I am all games, I may call, I may not (mostly latter)… I could care less about common courtesy, I am trying to get you hooked & emotionally invested… So, based on my objective, I see no reason to call, if it is not for the “Greater Good” (of my plans to rule the world, & your heart…)

    After that, then I will go back to play for #TeamHonesty, and maybe #TeamCourtesy…

  5. TKO-Curly says:

    Max I agree with you that women should not look forward to a phone call after a one night stand.

    I think of it this way….if you were confident enough to sleep with someone the first time you meet them. Please be confident enough to get up put your panties and walk (ride, skip, run, drive) off into the sunset. Also be confident that the person number will not show up in your callers ID the next day.

    If its someone you have been talking too for a while, then you have a problem and obviously he was after one thing….sex

    So ladies if you are not confident enough to deal with the aftermath of a one night stand don’t do it. Me I have too much confidence (reason my last semester senior college days meets me in my room by myself reading blogs) to take part in such festivities.

    Thats all carry on folks.

  6. QueenT says:

    I had a coupla one nighters in my past…I heard back..I don’t think it was the VERY next day for one….but, the other one. Never. I didn’t even care..it was just for fun…I wasn’t all that concerned…Now, if I have been kickin’ it with a guy..and we are trying to get to know one another and dating……I do want to hear back the next day..and I have usually heard back from these guys…..and it was a nice feeling.

    I think, if I guy doesn’t get back to a woman he has been getting to know over a period of time…he was just after one thing..and (or) he is a jackhole.

    1. max says:

      I agree with you your majesty :)

  7. And this is the problem with casual (pre relationship) sex. Everybody is gonna make up their own rules and call them the standard.

    Here’s my addition to the pot of bullshit. The chick who gave it up before knowing well enough the man’s intentions is a whore. The man too pussy to let the chick know pre or post skintimacy of his intentions is.. well, a pussy. Everybody is wrong all the damn time..

    To be fair tho, I just lost my virginity..

    1. max says:

      Hmmm I see some of what you’re saying. But the intention of the post was not to examine whether a call is necessary when it’s no-strings/no intention sex (it’s not and we all know that) but to understand why men don’t call when sex occurs as part of the getting to know you process.

  8. Mrs.Brightside says:

    Like others have said it depends on the situation. If you all have been getting to know one another for the last few months but you have always initiated contact then what makes you think he’s going to initiated contact just because you finally gave it up. If you don’t know a person’s communication habits well enough to read their feelings from getting a call or not getting a call should you be that concerned if they don’t call the next day?

    Also if it was an awkward night they are probably avoiding the conversation about why they went soft in the middle of the act even though your bomb head game brought them back to life.

    After we smash the first time if i haven’t heard from the guy by mid day the next day I’ll contact him making sure to mention that I enjoyed last night. Guys love for their egos to be stroked and rest assured he will stroke yours back. (Caution that stroke back may be a lie)

  9. Dr. J says:

    Let’s see. This is what I mean by vag politics. So basically we had sex last night, for the first time and I didn’t stay over. I’m going to put this in the casual category and I’m not calling. I may send a text. I don’t have the calling problem because any woman I would call, I’m probably going to see her in the morning. I mean if you really care about someone why would you send them out in the night to the freaks?

    How about when you finish the deed and then are like “so can I get your number now?”

    Last point, if I never used the phone to get to this point, I’m never using the phone after. Don’t expect a guy who’s never called you before to pick up the phone and call you after the deed. In his mind its not necessary to continue beating. Its just not.

    Postscript: If a guy has put in mad work, to the point that you begin to think he’s putting in MAD work, don’t get gassed. You’re at high risk for a no phone call back. I can think of at least three chicks that I put in so much work that at one point I only wanted to beat. I was that upset. So after I beat, I washed my hands, left the toilet seat up and went home. I never called again and all subsequent attempts to get in contact with me were met with “man I’m just really busy.”. (this don’t work if your sex game aint proper)

    1. Linique Hill says:

      I was wondering when I would reach a comment that included someone staying over! If you spend time with them in the morning does that count as a call back? What if they stay over every time it happens? #imjustsaying

    2. Afternoon Max, you already know how I feel about this but you asked that I comment too. First, I co-sign everything Dr.J said above.

      Second, i’ll call if I remember but to be honest its not an insult if I don’t. I, and maybe men, don’t think that much about it. Honestly, a lot of men base their actions towards women on how they think the women will react. That is, if he even cares enough to care. In other words, most guys will call/text because they want to hit again and they know doing this minor action will help grease the roads to re-f*ckin.

      As Dr.J said tho, I don’t really talk on the phone period anymore. I may write about this. I swear its been 6 months or longer since I “talked” on the phone for more than 30mins to a woman. I can, and prob most men, get in between most women’s legs by using a variety of communications that don’t involve talking. Logically, this is admittedly strange to me but I’m also not complaining.

      2am text: “You sleep?”

      You know what it is…

      1. max says:

        Once we factor sleepovers into the equation I’m completely lost because – as you all know – I don’t do them. But I guess if you wake up with someone the morning after the sex that counts as next-day contact and it’s all good.

  10. Luxemansion says:

    Everyone keeps referring to one night stands but the majority of sexual encounters (for MOST people) are not one night stands. Do you guys still think it’s okay to not call or text after a smash that isn’t a one night stand?

    1. TKO-Curly says:

      I agree with Dr J comment. I believe a lot of one night stands happen. Some people don’t know to tell the difference between a night stand or something more serious. Yeah I know it should be easy if he smash on the first night and don’t call thats a one night stand. Right?! Wrong for some people because they expect a call the next or days after that.

      I think if people understood the difference then we would have less of these conversations and less unhappy women.

      Its also very very disrespectful if the person doesn’t call the next day especially if its someone you have been talking to before the encounter.
      Am I wrong for thinking this?

      1. Sheree says:

        Ive been into this…we’ve met for the first time and things were ok nothing happens. then we’ve met again the 2nd time there it goes…everything happens.. after it happened never heard anything from him. I wanted to message him as if normal things the way i was with him.. though i cant pull the shit out of me having a 2nd thought that he is not really into me. or if i send him message will he ever reply or will just ignore me becoz he doesnt like me. Though I didnt judge him maybe he was having a 2nd thought too…same way i was thinking…didnt send him a message he didnt send me message too so its fair…I dont know what he was thinking… i likethe moment…i am responsible enough with my action and i know it no ones to be blame and so just stop if he doesnt want to pursue u…as long as u kow u like it…

  11. Sam Sharpe says:

    I think I’m with most of the folks here when I say it’s all circumstantial. There’s no one size fits all policy that works or covers every situation. But reading the post and the responses did get me thinking about one thing:

    If this is such a big to you ladies, if talking to or communicating with a man who you just f*cked is so important why don’t you call him or text him first. I mean all this analysis over what it means if and when he calls after the first slam just smacks of some stuck in the olden days sexual politics where men do the work/acting and women are acted upon.

    If he’s just a sidepiece or a one night stand or you don’t know him well etc…then him not calling is totally understandable if not expected. But if it’s something more, why did you kick him out of your place (or why did you leave his) right after the deed and why can’t you call him?

    1. max says:

      Okay I’m not going to address the “why don’t you call him” part of your comment because I already know we’re not going to see eye-to-eye on that.

      But taking that out of the equation for a moment, I’m curious about the circumstantial/no one size fits all policy part of your comment. So what factors influence whether you contact a woman the next day? This is the heart of what I’m trying to understand with this discussion.

      1. Sam Sharpe says:

        Well, I guess the way I see it is that this is only an issue at the beginning of a relationship if and/or when the status or expectations haven’t been clearly defined or in a situation where one or both partners want something “more” or if one or both partners are into playing games. Because if it’s just a slam, then it’s just a slam there shouldn’t even be a conversation or discussion to be had.

        Personally, I don’t play games so that wouldn’t apply to me but me calling a woman is dependent on the dynamics of a given situation. Was it just a one off? Do I want another run? Is there relationship potential? Am I busy? I mean there are so many things that can come into play because as I said before, unless it looks like something “more” can come of it I’m not sure why there’s emphasis on me calling the next day.

        Having said all of that, calling the next day doesn’t necessarily mean more or less than if I don’t call.

      2. Larry says:

        I agree with Sam, it just depends. I can sit here and list 1001 reasons why he may have not called, but most women then hit you with the “well if I was important to you then you would have found time to call” B.S. I mean, seriously, is it the end of the world if he doesn’t call the very next day, but then hits you up the day after? Your own perception isn’t everyone else’s reality. Real Talk. Many times people attempt to read things between the lines when in fact there’s nothing there to read.

    2. jessica kim says:

      So silly. Men are the persuers and always will be whther we would like to admit it or not! We can say anythign we want, every relationship started with the man going after the woman. Not necessarily “games” – but the man called mostly and asked to get together. Bottom line. Even if she went up to him at the bar, or winked at him on line, he still persued her in the first month or two as the aggressor. If the woman does, IT NEVER WORKS. Obviously this board got so hung up on one night stands (like everyone is running around doing people the just met???) –QUESTION is if we’ve hung for a while…6,7,8, 10 dates. And THEN we sleep together. Then that next day, no contact. obviously, THIS DOES mean SOMETHING. And it is not positive. Every situation IS a bit different, however. Did you speak constantly before the sex, then he didnt contact? Or did you already know he isn’t as in touch as you would like? Does he contact you within 1 or 2 days? Or a week. Bottom line, it ain’t good. Probably means he is not sure if he wants something serious with anyone (dont take it personal, seriously) so this action of not calling keeps it casual enough. He also feels (if he does contact within a day or two) that he can behave this way and you will tolerate it…. but if it is more than 1 or 2 days max (and you held out several dates, know hid bday last name and syblings names…whether thats 3 weeks or 8 weeks)DUMP HIM -because he does NOT respect you AT ALL

  12. streetztalk says:

    I might send a text I might not. Either way its still peace tho!

  13. funms says:

    If it was a one time thing, i really don’t care when he calls, there was this guy that didn’t call until the 3rd day and i don’t think i noticed….
    It all depends, if it’s someone we’ve been talking and finally did it, then i feel it’s common courtesy for him to call….
    I’d rather a guy not call me the day after if it’s only casual sex. For me, it may raise a false hope that just maybe, he wants something more…..

  14. If women don’t expect men to get their shorts in a wad when such women don’t call certain men they smash, then such women shouldn’t whine when karma gives them a pimp-slap… (smiles fiendishly as I fade into the darkness…)

  15. Str8UpNoChaser says:

    Jumpoffs (one night stands) and the like are not, i repeat NOT required to make after coitus next day phone calls and/or texts. If you ladies feel that they should than maybe jumping off just isn’t for you.

    The purpose of a jumpoff is to get your rocks off, any time, and keep it moving. You don’t stay over, you don’t leave your toothbrush in the holder next to his, you don’t ask to shower afterwards. Never let your head hit the pillow because you will surely fall asleep. Smash and Dash (copywritten! haha).

    Another point I feel I should mention. If he called/texted you sporadically before you pushed your panties to the side, trust and believe he won’t – all of a sudden – start burning a hole in your phone now. Accept it, and move on.

  16. LOL says:

    To me, post-coitus contact is important. I expect it within 24 hours after we split. If I don’t hear from him, I will send a quick email/text/whatever way we’ve been communicating to say Hi. If it wasn’t great, I’ll say ‘nice to meet you’ or something neutral, just to be courteous. If it was great, I’ll say “I’d like to do it again!”. If he doesn’t answer (at the same speed he answered pre-sex emails/texts), he gets put in the a-hole bin. If he gets back to me in 2 weeks and says he’d like to see me again, I laugh at his sorry azz. The reality is that if a guy enjoyed the sex, he will get back to you the next day, if he doesn’t it’s because he’s just not interested. Why waste your time with someone who doesn’t enjoy sex with you????

    If it’s a one-nighter, then you don’t have the phone number/email to contact, so there is no expectation.

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  18. Miss White says:

    Idk….I’ve been in a relationship for like…ever. But it seems to me if he doesn’t call…he’s just not that into you.

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  20. Tracey says:

    So this guy and I have been texting/sexting and talking every day for 2 1/2 weeks, but haven’t been able to go out due to our schedules with work, kids, etc. So finally I steal away to see him yesterday and we fool around, no sex. Just very heavy petting. :) And today…Nuthin. So I sent him a brief text with that stupid Android kissing…his response “LOL”. I said “I wasn’t trying to be funny”, him: “I was giggling cause I liked it”.

    Haven’t heard from him since.

    WHAT UP?? I am NOT texting or calling him. But if he DOES contact me, what’s my stance?

    1. max says:

      Just be polite and cool. Make him work a little to get back in your good graces.

  21. Jess says:

    hey guys

    I just recently had a one night stand which lasted more then just the night. it lasted until like mid-day when i left. here’s the full story. I went to a toga party on friday being single for the first time in a few months and was just looking to drink not expecting to meet a guy and go back to his dorm. well eventually i did and the night and morning was amazing. afterwards we left for some “brunch” and got my stuff from a friends room and went back to his to take a nice little nap spooning. i left his place around 5pm that day and he messaged me on facebook a few days later meaning tuesday. im not so sure if that counts as a call back but its been pondering my mind. i was not expecting him to message me at all but it happened. i did tell him that i would like a friendship with him since we are in music programs together but all of my friends think that he might want another booty call or a relationship and i dont know what to think of it so if someone can please explain this to me it would really help in this situation.

    Thanxxx :)

  22. Jess says:

    hey guys

    I just recently had a one night stand which lasted more then just the night. it lasted until like mid-day when i left. here’s the full story. I went to a toga party on friday being single for the first time in a few months and was just looking to drink not expecting to meet a guy and go back to his dorm. well eventually i did and the night and morning was amazing. afterwards we left for some “brunch” and got my stuff from a friends room and went back to his to take a nice little nap spooning. i left his place around 5pm that day and he messaged me on facebook a few days later meaning tuesday. im not so sure if that counts as a call back but its been pondering my mind. i was not expecting him to message me at all but it happened. i did tell him that i would like a friendship with him since we are in music programs together but all of my friends think that he might want another booty call or a relationship and i dont know what to think of it so if someone can please explain this to me it would really help in this situation.

    Thanxxx :)

    jess

  23. InKandescent6 says:

    When a guy doesn’t call I think it signifies a total disregard for her heart. Not all women expect a relationship but we all do think with our emotions. We don’t expect you to love us but we do expect you to care. When a guy doesn’t indicate that he cares, it makes you feel sort of inhumane – almost as if you aren’t human and your feelings don’t matter.
    Simply put, no one wants to feel as if they don’t matter.

    1. Kate says:

      All Men Are Like This. Men Don’t Have Feelings. They Are Animals

  24. into him says:

    Okay, so this guy and I have been back and forth for a while now almost 2 years. We have been flirting, and every time we came across each other we would have meaningful conversations, hugs, and kisses. Just the other night we went out with his younger brother at a bar and karaoke night, I enjoyed watching him sing. We talked for a little while, he told me about his past; and then we dropped off his brother at home. His car broke down so I was doing the driving, so while we talked things progressed and well long story short we had our skintimacy experience. He didn’t call the next day, but we never really talked on an everyday basis prior, but he said he had an amazing time with me two days later……any opinions?

  25. Maybelline says:

    I had a one night stand and the guy didn’t call and it didn’t bother me, but I think it should be a mutual agreement to not expect anything after the fact because its a casual encounter. I think women think too much into it but for a man it’s usually just sex, and a woman shouldn’t expect much or get her hopes high. I don’t see a problem with a women calling a guy or being the assertive one. Because if the sex was good I would just call for a rematch with no problems, and I doubt he would say no. The problem is women get too involved you can’t be too serious after one night of sex that can scare the man off. But if I liked it I am not going to wait for him to call I am going to let him know we should have another round.

    1. Runa says:

      I like your style =)

  26. Imnoturdoormat says:

    Okay, I’m a put my two cents into this. MOst times it happens like this. The guy tells you one night stand and just hitting it and splitting is not what he is looking for, he is convincing, kind, charming, funny and treats like a lady. You think there are sparks and chemistry. You sleep with him, and then he is distant and only text you or not even call.

    Now how can you the lady a whore and that she knew it was a one night stand. When she laid the cards on the table with the guy and he lied to her? He basically said what ever he had to and agreed to what she said just to get some ass. Which I think it pathetic and very sneaky. The point I’m making here is this.

    Why don’t the guy flat out tell the girl, “I’m only looking to have sex with you, or I was interested in YOU but now I’m not and really just want the sex or I’m only looking to have sex with you.” Because most people won’t agree and those that do, will not allow there emotions to be involved so they will simply just F THE GUY just like he is just F’ed her. But the guy does not want this, he wants and feels he needs the woman to feel some emotion for him in order to have sex with him, while he remains emotionally unattached and menipulate her and just have FUCK her.

    Women can operate like this to but most of the time it is men. Tricks up there sleeves and then they try to dismiss it by calling the woman a “whore” suddenly making it seem like there is a certain time to have sex with someone. If sex is also apart of getting to know someone, why does it haft to happen at a certain time and “not the getting to know you conversations” If you apply that rule, you should apply it to every part of getting to know you part.

    Men hide, lie and trick the woman and just agree and do what ever on dates just to get it and feel they are not obligated to continue through the process of getting to know the woman more, cause he got the sex already. This really shows his goal was just the sex. How do you really know what his goal is, until you have sex with him and the after math happens. He could be doing what ever before hand just to get in your pants.

    I know this cause i have spoken to many men I know who admitted and I have went through it myself.

    This is why I still believe one of the reasons marriage exist and sex should only happen after the two are married is because this way there are no shananagans with the people, no having to hope there is no tricks, wondering… There is no trick to get in your panties and still avoid any emotional attached.

    It troubles me when a guy goes out with a girl like me who is educated, cultured, creative, independent, clean, have a history of long relationships and has specifically made it clear that I’m not interested in just screwing around, that I want a real companion and expect to be told from the beginning if he wants to just screw and still the guy attempts to trick me in every way to just make me before his screw around gal.

    What pisses me off the most. Is that I was upfront with two guys I dated, asking directly if they were just interested in just sleeping with me and that was it (screwing around) and they said “no I’m interested in getting to know you, I’m not that kind of guy”
    They were the perfect gentlemen on the date, we talked for long hours and one (I spoke to for months and after it led to sex, they only texted me casual like nothing happened or they didn’t call til weeks lately and it seemed they were just interested in getting me to their house to have sex again.

    I even dated a guy for four months who seemed to just be into screwing around (with the actual intercourse) which I think was his way of assuring his exit so we don’t get emotionally attached. He had so many shananagans. He would say “I’m not putting my penis in you until we are married” Yet he admitted having sex with several girls right before me.
    All the while he is telling me this, he is expecting oral sex til he ejaculates and to make out til he ejaculates every time he sees me and he wouldn’t want to be bothered afterwards.

    So what I came to understand is that he was no different than the guys that trick you, he just thought he could brain washed me into believing he didn’t want to have sex with me before marriage cause he cared about me when it was just to keep the emotional attachment down to a minimum so he wouldn’t feel guilty if he decided to stop the ride and cut me off.
    But then what I call an act of GOD happened.
    I came up sick while on a trip with him and his family, which he still kept me at bay around, (he admitted to treating me dirty)
    Any,how the act of GOD was suddenly I got sick while on vacation (so he could just use me for oral pleasure), two months later after back, I ended up in the hospital. This was the moment of truth and the truth was told. He didn’t call or come see me. He casually texted me. Realizing now my thoughts were right that he was just menipulating me and only cared that he ejaculated in any way he could without having an emotional connection or commitment.
    So before I got out the hospital I texted him and told him to hit the road

    Because of my experience and my awareness of the tricks in the dating game, I’m seriously considering to go back to how I use to be, that if you like it then “You should a put a ring on it”. Then there will be (if any) bedroom business. Because the bottom line, is I don’t want a guy who just want it, I want a guy who like it to, “like being with me” and will show he is willing to commit to this and not til he has had sex with me many times.

    My last comment to people who are dating:

    Just tell the people you are dating the truth and just stop the shananagans and people (especially women) wouldn’t be so pissed off at you afterwards, heart broken or assuming things about most men after that. If you learn by experience, then what are women learning when men pull a fast one on them like what happened to me.

    I apologize for the mistakes in this post but I do not have time to edit and it is early in the morning:0)

    1. realgoodwoman says:

      I had to reply to your comment, cause it is exactly my story. I’m always very upfront and ask direct questions from the guys and yet two guys lied several times to my face and did everything you said, even knowing I’m strictly against one night stands or casual encounters cause I made it clear to them to their face, yet they menipulated the date, even researched me to do so, lied to my face, pretend to be real gentlemen and even looked me in my eyes and said, “I’m not looking for an intimate encounter” they said this on their own without me dragging it out of them. Yet, still they used me for sex, and did not make even the effort to make sure I got home safely and never even answered my calls. I know it was not the sex (I assure you it wasn’t that).

      The one guy even assured me on his own several times after that he was not using me for sex, then suddenly he looks at his phone and goes out side to handle a call. Comes back in starts burning a candle and then says I got to go, this is after telling me we were spending the night together, ALL NIGHT, after the sex. I had to drive 1 hour to get home in the middle of the night and he never made sure I got home. This was a 45 year old man with daughters, and as i said, worked hard to convince me he was real through several text phone calls, e-mails, and going out.

      He did this, knowing I was married for 17 years, I’m another, clean, educated, sweet and specifically looking for a serious relationship.

      The other guy, actually spent two days with me totally, doing everything with me, including lots of sex. Even kept in heavy contact days before and even assured me he was looking for the one. yet, by the end of the second day, he gets on the phone with his x and then gives me this lame excuses that he is going to visit his son at her crib. Before this we decided out in the opinion to committ to eachother cause it seems we were a perfect match. yet, as I reminded him of this after he didn’t answer my calls while at his x house, he says, “I haven’t known you that long.” As if I’m assuming everything. Though we sat down and had a real agreement on everything and it was ALL his idea.

      It was both guys ideas to settle down and be with eachother exclusively but I realize they said that, only so that I would not see anyone else right after I saw them, mean while they were.
      they wanted me to clear out all my contacts so I would forced to start over and they may have a chance to turn me into a booty call if I was lonely.

      Neither work. I always give it a week after we comitt to see if it is legit.

      Men are telling bold face lies even when questioned repeatedly by the women before having sex with them, so it is THERE FAULT not hers, that she feels the way she does.

      Because of my experiences, I man has to invest some serious time into me now, like the man I married did or he is out of luck in the bedroom department. I’m just fed up with the jet I mind tricks and bold face lies from men now.

  27. Runa says:

    Well how about this scenario. I am curious of everyones thoughts. I have an old buddy of mine we used to meet up in a close small group of friends and drink. Friends moved, time passed. He still always passed by the restaurant I worked at to say “pass by after work and we’ll burn” every few weeks to month for years. I always blew him off, nothing personal I was just busy and didn’t think. Well our old friend popped in town and the 3 of us met up. had a drink, she went back home and he texted me a few weeks later. I ended up at his house, the deed was done (I was trying to sneak out the entire night but was left no opening to avoid the morning “time for you to go” awkwardness) he cuddled me the entire night, took me out to breakfast the next morning, opened every door, bought my cigarettes was a complete gentlemen to a degree I have yet to see in a long time. Which I was surprised at because I was thinking this would be a fun “wham bam thank you ma’am” but his gentlemeness threw me the hell off. And also I never took him for that type before. Well its only 4 days later and no call or text. We’ve been buddies for years and I didn’t expect or want anything out of this, but would appreciate a courtesy text. I know this was rebound sex for him because he just got out of a long term relationship, and in my case I have been sleeping with an older man for a few years and he knows this. Im mostly curious if I shoud text him (worried about his feelings)? As men do have feelings too, he knows I am (not really but kind of) with someone else. Or should he be the one that texts me? Or just say f-it and not care. I was actually happy to see him again because its hard to find good friends as u get older.

  28. Jolie says:

    me and my fwb have been talking about having sex for months. Then we finally did and it was okay the first time quite awsme. So soon we were hype to do it again and make it better. After another month we were finally able to see each other again and had (personally) the best sex ever for hours. We did get really tired though and only one ackward moment where we just kind of laughed at mi queefing how embarrassing…well at first…bc whn i started doing that later the sounds kind of made it seem like he was doing something really right and it just got better and better bc he became rougher. But…i texted him the next day basically saying it was amazing and he only txted me once back saying, yes it was. so i responded some more saying i already want him again but he never texted me back. was he lying to mi when he said it was…was it not good for him perhaps….is he tired/tired of mi…does he need a break from mi…did i come off as annoying…im not looking fr a relationship, I just want to know If I’m being sort of rejected and if so confirm if I’m terrible or ugly or something.ill admit he’s my most fav fwb ever, i feel like we connect quite physically than intellectually and socially =( which is not cool bc i kindav wish we could….we’ll hv our moments there bt idk…i jst want to knw how he feels mr….i don’t want to lose him….no i don’t want a relationship again

  29. Lola says:

    If it was a one night stand, I agree with everyone’s comments. No call is necessary.
    I recently reunited with someone of whom we have a
    Long history. We agreed on boundaries, then slept together.
    He not only didn’t touch base, via text or call the next day
    Days went by. I didn’t wait for a call of him wanting
    More when he felt like it. I texted him, as this behavior of
    His didn’t warrant a phone call. I said how I felt of
    Him not being available. In short, I didn’t want to he in touch.
    He responded three hours later with a phone message
    Saying he is available now and asking if I was still up.
    I didn’t return the call and have no intentions of doing
    I have two personal boundaries as a woman. Call
    The next day and don’t cheat.
    Simply, it’s just not decent. It says I have no regard
    For your body, time, emotions and value nothing
    It’s not only did respectful, it’s just a dick
    Move. He is the only man to ever do this to me
    I’ve been very lucky to have partners that although
    We agreed we may not go anywhere, they all
    Called the next day to tell me I was valued.
    So to not have a call was an easy realization
    I wasn’t cared for. Haven’t heard from him since.
    Again, easy realization he had no value of me
    Or woman in general. Guys with this behavior
    Hurt everyone. Can’t personalize it . These guys
    Have to face themselves at some point. Until then
    They keep hurting people. They know what they
    Are doing too. Being knowingly hurtful.
    no decency in intimacy, these are guys who
    Hang with others guys like themselves so they can tell
    Each other what good guys they are. Let them. When a man cares
    And or loves you, he says it!!! He shows it, doesn’t
    Play 8th grade games and shows up to take
    Responsibility to make things right.

  30. 702burnout says:

    Read this whole post and will say this as a man:

    I am in amazing shape and have experience, not shy either and know how to use my body.

    When I meet a woman, and she starts out sassy with sarcasm, that can build to the no phone call because I got into a scenario I didn’t see coming, which I wish to avoid.

    I usually will call a woman back If it’s unprotected sex because it’s stupid to just get it once and let it go. At least get some extra fun before you sever the ties.

    I would not call if the following did happen EVEN if we had sex:

    You were not too great in person.
    You were awful in bed or had a smelly vagina.
    I’d be embarrassed to continue seeing you with me in the public eye.
    I am already content [rare] with the limited sex we had.
    If I am cheating and I let you know I have someone already

    Basically most woman are pigs anyways so they are lucky if a guy calls back.

    1. Sarah says:

      So true. I like your honesty! Haha.

  31. 702burnout says:

    One other thing, I’ll give you a MAN’s side of the coin:

    So I recently met this bitch off OKCupid!

    We talked for hours on IM and it was pretty intense!

    I enjoyed our conversations, and we eventually exchanged phone numbers, and did the text msg thing as well.

    Soon after, she told me she was feeling naughty and wanted to come see me. So I invited her to my place. She before I could even speak to her already started with the “do for me” mentality, I’d go to give her a kiss, and did the face turn manuever. Then proceeded to do the “let’s camp out but do nothing routine!”

    That actually pissed me off!! How you going to say a bunch of stuff and act all bitchy afterwards? So I was able to seduce her eventually by taking force [ I grabbed her vagina and told her to let me GET IT!! tongue and more!]

    She let me and after that night, she pretty much left like a guy would! The next day it was very almost fakey conversations, limited in emotional worth and small annoying texts like she was just responding to brush me off. Mind you she’s the fatty here!! I could do much better, I just enjoyed the personality online didn’t realize it was a stupid bitch behind the helm!

    Then she went on a trip to H-town, didn’t return my calls, and finally was like, Hey! Let’s text. Well I called the next day and no return call, or text! It’s obvious this is a whore just playing games, so even though I may hit it one more time, that too is a maybe, I’m forced again to just dismiss this idiot pussy owner!

    I mean, she has no job but a ride. That’s not enough when you are better then that!

    Women are idiots, few exceptions to the rule, but that’s why guys dog you MF’s out. The story above is true, and I made her CUM 3x so I don’t wanna get the owwww.. you sucked in bed talk! Her gut was heavy to lift to hit it, but I did! Soo there you have it!

    I may never date another fat bitch again!

  32. mgpllc says:

    so yea…I causally met a guy at yoga at a noon class of power. Literally…quick hello and chat. I did notice he was very cute/sexy. We happened to have a fantastic class with singer song writer Michael Franti…whom dropped into the class that day. I decided to buy a last minute ticket to that show and this guy from class mentioned at yoga he was going. Well…i got dressed up and went to the show and with little effort bumped into the yoga guy. We drank some beers and danced all night. after the show we decided to continue dancing at the venue. We had a blast. I ended back at his house. We had amazing things in common. Beautiful gardens, home and like interests. Very interesting. we a powerful sex all night into the morning. Very sexy stuff. Late morning after coffee he drove me to my car. Exchanged numbers and he said I will see ya at the studio. I did get and text right after stating how much fun he had. I returned the message…smiling. A few days later i sent him a clip of a upcoming show of my favorite band that i had mentioned to him. Just how much i enjoyed the music. Just a video. I did not ask him to go..nothing of the sort. no response. currently i have dumped his contact info. I figure it was a one night thing. He is 32 and I am 47. Im a pretty sexy older women. In fact i date mostly younger men. Im a professional as well. WTF? My view…too fucking bad. there could have been some good times ahead.

  33. Sarah says:

    I think if it’s a one night stand – and he wants to see you again – it is important to call to arrange a ‘real’ first date within three days of the last time u saw each other. If he doesn’t call – he doesn’t want to see you again obviously but I think some kind of contact is important to show he respects what happened. If the guy didn’t contact me at all I would think he was a cock and prob tell all my mates (unless I was embarrassed that he didn’t contact me) he was a pig – Bit shit really as it takes two to tango but I do think the guy has the responsibility to make some kind of contact regardless of what happens after. No biggie but it’s like not getting a call back from a failed job interview… I would be totally happy with a text after a ons saying ‘hope your hangover is better, catch u later’ as a letting down easy. I would still respect him and won’t speak badly of him, I would probably let him back into my bed cause he didn’t do anything wrong. He was honest and courteous. It’s gentlemanly.

    On my last ons I didn’t leave until 8pm the next day. Shagged him within ten hours of meeting him, many many times. I didn’t ask when I would see him again or for his number or anything like that and it wasn’t until I had the car door open when he was dropping me home that he asked for my number. I hadn’t put any pressure on seeing him again cause I thought I would never see him again as it was a ons….if he doesn’t have my number then he can’t call me! Three days later he called…dinner date turned into weekend stay over …nice guy.

    My advise – don’t exchange numbers if u don’t want to. And always be polite and honest – it really is a good thing. Games are for kids

  34. a says:

    Keep this going please, great job!

  35. Alana Hunter says:

    Well, just to turn things the other way round. I recently slept with a guy I was getting to know and we got on quite well. It seemed to be heading for ‘relationship territory’ however, I have medical issues and a few hours after sex, I had to leave. Then there was a problem getting out of the building and he had to drag his ass downstairs at 4.30am to let me out (which he did not appreciate). I DID try calling later in the day and the phone was switched off, so I text him instead. I basically apologised again for having to leave and for the messing around with the taxi and the door. Had a nice day/evening and I’d see him around. Whether he responds or not is immaterial. I was courteous and truthful and to be fair I don’t expect to either.

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