Snooping: A Rant and The Rules

snooping-woman

So today we’re talking about snooping and I’m doing a combo move. A video rant about how very much I wish women would stop doing this shit. And the rules of engagement for those of  us you who insist on continuing to do it.

Ah snooping. The bane of the existence of line-stepping men and the MO for women who are determined to find out what they think they need to know. It seems that as technology continues to take over our lives and there are more and more electronic records of the dirt we do, the uptake on snooping is increasing at an alarming rate. People – and by people I mainly mean women – seem to feel that just because there is information out there, they have the right to access it; even if they have to violate the privacy of the man they claim to care about to get it. There are a lot of people (and by people I mean women) who believe that snooping is a normal and acceptable way of safeguarding yourself against hurtful surprises. There are even some people (and by people I mean women) who believe that being in a committed relationship means that you have forfeited your right to privacy and given your partner a license to look through your shit.

The world’s gone mad I tell you.

In the interest of shameless self-disclosure let me admit right now that although I hate snooping,  I have done it in the past. I doubt I’d do it in the future, but that’s only because I don’t see myself being in a position where I feel a need to do it.   But although I have done it in the past, I didn’t do it in the stupid way that most people (i.e. women) do. And I wish I could use this blog to get people (women) to see the error of their ways and stop snooping altogether; I am but one woman and there’s only so much change I can effect on my own. So instead let me share with you the rules of snooping properly if you just insist on doing it.

1. Don’t snitch on yourself

Snooping and finding evidence of wrongdoing seems to give people a weird kind of selective amnesia that makes them forget that they have violated their partner’s privacy. So they don’t bother covering their trail to ensure that they don’t get caught. But any man worth his salt can turn that situation to his advantage by going on the offensive and if he catches you snooping he will rip you a new one before you even have a chance to confront him with what you found.

So if you’re going to snoop, don’t get caught. Make sure he’s out of the house and not coming back any time soon. Make sure you have a story prepared in case he walks in and catches you clicking all up in his Recycle Bin.  Make sure you leave things exactly how you found them. If his iphone Phone screen was on Contacts and you switched it to Recents, make sure you switch it back or he will know you were in there.  A man who is up to something pays close attention to the details; make sure you do too.

2. File for future reference

Like I said in the video, the purpose of snooping is to confirm what you already suspect, it’s not to gain new information.You basically should be looking for something specific to help you decide how to proceed rather than just surveying his private stuff to see what’s up.  So if you think your man is pumping more than iron at the gym and you decide to look through his gym bag and find panties, all you should be doing is saying to yourself “okay he’s definitely up to something, now what am I gonna do?”.

3. The fruit of the poisonous tree

Like I said in the video, evidence obtained through an illegal search is inadmissible. And while I accidentally credited  Dr. J for this concept in the video rather than the Fourth Amendment, it was he who really put me on to the concept that what you find through snooping really cannot be brought up in an argument, unless you were given an snooping pass. Which leads me to my next point…

5. Don’t give snooping passes

I know that when we’re in love’s first flush we like to expose our pale underbellies to our partners. We like to put it all out there and trust that they will love every part of us. We love our new love so much that we voluntarily divulge passwords and say things like “I have nothing to hide, you can look through my phone any time you want”. By the time the thrill is gone and you’ve started having DM sex with model wannabes, you’ve long forgotten that you gave out your password. Then you’re completely caught off-guard when you walk in the house and your girl wants to know who the fuck @sexxxxy_gurl123 is and why you told her you were gonna eat her ass.

Just because you have nothing to hide today, doesn’t mean you won’t have anything to hide tomorrow. So don’t help the snooper by giving out snooping passes.

6. Don’t enable a snooper

If you should happen to be on the receiving end of one of those psycho girl calls where a stranger says to you “I’m so-and-so’s girlfriend, how do you know him?” do NOT answer the question. You’re rewarding the psycho’s bad behaviour by giving her what she wants – ammunition. Your response is “if you have something to ask so-and-so please contact him directly. I don’t know you” and bam down the phone in the bitch’s ear. Do not attempt to reason with her, do not attempt to reassure her, and do not start recklessly giving out information about so-and-so. It’s bad karma. Refuse to answer the question and hang up the phone. Period. Full stop. Story done.

So that’s it. My rant about snooping and my rules for proper snooping. What do you guys think? Are you a snooper? Ever been snooped on? How did you handle it? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 38

  1. streetztalk says:

    I love how you gave Jay the credit for a Consitutional amendment. Canadiens smh :)

    Great post cosign [LIKE] and all that

  2. fixedwater says:

    “Don’t enable a snooper”<<<<<THIS!!!
    I don't snoop, I just think its unnecessary.
    And I have been on the other end of one of those phone calls… at 2AM no less. Now I was gonna be cranky receiving this kind of call in the first place, but at 2AM! I was as patient as I could be and told her, "sounds like you need to talk with [him]" and hung up. But then this woman, decides to call me back! Even if I was so inclined to calm her fears (no, I did not sleep with her man, and had no intentions of doing so) I was completely irritated at her persistent effort to keep me from my 40 winks.
    Woman to woman or not, do not call the woman. Take that argument up with your man. She owes you nothing, she has promised you nothing.
    Oh and if you don't trust him, why bother snooping. You know you don't trust him, so just don't trust him, don't involve others in your drama.

  3. Adonis says:

    Hmmm… I love to snoop… But unlike women, I don’t freak out when I find ish… I do it for curiosity AND to enhance the relationship…

    Some people do it for a reason to get mad at the person… Your relationship is WAVY & you cannot stand it… You need some help… (I’ll go with you…)

    1. G_Russ says:

      How does snooping enhance a relationship??

      1. Adonis says:

        Good Question, I call it Reconnaissance… (Where are the machine guns, Barb Wire, Land Mines), And how does it enhance a relationship, well if you find out what her preferences are, & surprise her with it later… If you find out her zodiac sign, and “guess” when brought up… But as far as going through her personal sh*t in her house… Ninja, I am just being nosy, But even if I find something, I’m doubt I would make scene about it…

        1. G_Russ says:

          Finding out those sorts of things to me doesn’t really involve snooping…just plain old listening and attentiveness should do the trick. But going thru phones and drawers looking for evidence of wrong doing is lame. If i got to get all Magnum P.I. on a chick, then she’s not the girl for me…

          1. Adonis says:

            That is lame, that is why you date people… you put them through a TSA screening process… most people don’t, and wake up a year later chain to a bed, with Kathy Bates standing over you with a jackhammer… Getting ready to pound out your ankles

  4. Drew-Shane says:

    Yes, don’t go looking for trouble.

    If everything is good and especially if we’re not in a relationship, don’t do it! OMG! Speak sister! #church

    1. max says:

      You know what though? It’s the dumb bitches women who aren’t in relationships who stay snooping. Which I suppose I can understand, but they’re also the most mad when they find out someone they are not in a relationship with is – gasp! – sleeping with other people.

      1. Sebastian says:

        I hear ya Max, but you know some let women think there is a relationship to keep them tied down. Some even assure the woman that it’s exclusive..not that I’ve ever been guilty of that.

        1. Eve says:

          Sebastian, you’re right. Why do men drag women on? Is an unwillingness to put a label on a relationship a sign of an insecure man? One who can neither appreciate what he has, nor go for what he wants?

          1. Adonis says:

            Sebastian, you’re right. Why do men drag women on?

            CAUSE WE CAN… WE HAVE LEVERAGE

            Is an unwillingness to put a label on a relationship a sign of an insecure man?

            NO, you will be surprise how many insecure men are quick to put a woman out of their league in a relationship

            One who can neither appreciate what he has, nor go for what he wants?

            don’t know the answer to that…

  5. Andrienne says:

    First off, you were awesome on ESBM last night. I agreed with you 1000% on the whole friends with benefits. Keep the emotions out of it and keep it moving. Anyhoo in regards to snooping usually I would agree with you, don’t do it. Unless the situation warrants it. In Oct/Nov I was staying with my boyfriend/fiancé/babyfather and one night he didn’t come home. That was my reason. I snooped against my better judgement and holy muddasucka, I couldn’t believe what I found, it totally turned my entire world upside down. I’m in a long distance relationship so all I have is trust. That certainly went out the window. Unless you are going to confront the person you’ve snooped on there is no reason to look. All you are going to do is torture yourself with the information you’ve found. I’m glad I found out what I did but that shit hurt. Like Max said if you’re not going to do anything with the information at some point, leave that ish alone!!!

    1. Wait, you’re in a long distance relationship and he’s cheating, or at least having inappropriate relationships. I can understand this. Not saying it’s ok or the least bit acceptable, but, I can at least understand. But, you come to visit, and he can’t just put that on pause for a minute… at least until you leave? I gotta say, that’s a pretty weak move on his part. I’m sorry your world had to be turned upside down that way homey. Best of luck going forward.

  6. BreezeBayou says:

    Absolutely love this article Pure and Should be simple Truth. I have too many homegirls who snoop and I’m like WHY? This isn’t basketball wives, this ain’t reality tv! I don’t wanna hear about what you found because I think you’re a total jackass for snooping, and I probably already told you that ninja was no good in the first place. Surprise, Suprise…

    Snooping=Insecurity point blank… if I don’t trust you, I’m OUT!!!!

    And Great Job last night Max…100% in agreement… get it done, leave the emotions at the door!

  7. QueenT says:

    Max-
    I co-sign this post with one exception. If you are married…and you snoop and find a woman’s number or texts..you are obligated to contact this woman and let her know she is messing with a married man….because maybe, she didn’t know. lol…I am kidding a little bit…I snooped on my ex-husband because the lawyer told me see what you can find on this snake in the grass…so, I found a strange number on his phone..wrote it down with the intent of calling…never called it…come to find out it was in fact the number of the jump-off…do I regret not calling that dam number…YES! But, then again nothing good would have come from that…I would have harassed that bish so dam bad….but, now, I don’t snoop at all…I am just like its going to be what its going to be….my snooping isn’t going to change what this negroe really wants to do…so, yeah, snooping is a waste of time.

    Good post Max!

  8. I don’t feel like snooping should ever be necessary in a relationship. It’s a symptom of other things gone wrong.

    That said, if you’re dealing with an exceptional liar. A person who really has the ability to live two lives, snooping might be the only way of discovering this, so, I can understand it to an extent. It’s kind of a case by case basis.

  9. Danielle says:

    There’s a difference between snooping just to snoop and snooping because your GUT is telling you there’s some fuckery afoot.

    I’ve been snooped on before and he had good reason. But it kinda blew up the situation and instead of it just being an outlet for it-it brought everything front and center and I got pissed.

    That being said I am a nosy bitch for no other reason than nosy omg! But I don’t snoop. I really want to know what you’re doing but I will cut my tongue off and swallow it before I ask you. But I still ask my mother who’s she’s talking to on the phone. If she starts laughing when I walked to the room, I’m like stop talking about me! lol Maybe it’s left over from just being a bad kid and trying to sneak around . But what really cured me of any future snooping was that travel commercial the one where the chick went opened up the medicine cabinet at a party and the shelves collapsed and everything fell into the sink. And then voice over said “You’d rather be somewhere else right now?” I died at little inside every time I saw that commercial. lol

  10. Menelaus says:

    You have to bring up that snooping is so funny depending on who’s doing it. It’s totally different for; your wife, your girlfriend, your FWB, or just some chick you smashing. I think one time a woman that I was having a casual relationship went snooping and when she came to me with her findings, I looked at her like, “This b*tch is crazy.”

    What I will tell you is that you should have some protection set up in your life and you should regularly run drills. I have a lot of protection set up in my life to find out when snooping is occurring and also when it has occurred. I love getting that phone call, “So such and such has been asking around about you.” To be honest, this doesn’t happen to me anymore. I’m pretty much through with people snooping. I am as discrete as possible to protect my personal life.

    Also, if you want to run an effective drill on your privacy. Plant artificial evidence. This is how they say, you smoke the thief out of the jungle. I’ve done this and lost friends and associates.

  11. KB says:

    LOVE THIS POST! I was just having a conversation with my homegirl about this. She told me I was stupid because I didnt snoop through my guys apartment when he left me there alone. She couldnt understand why I didnt. I snooped once and all it left me with was hurt. You cant spring up info that you found in your “crime.” You cant bring it up without being guilt. Bottom line for me, snooping has to do with trust. If I trust a man then there is no need to snoop. If I dont trust him there is not need for me to be with him.

    I have been on the receiving end of snooping. A guy I use to date baby momma (who has ALL his passwords) facebooks me several messages telling me to stop talking to her baby daddy cuz “she got his baby.” GIRL BYE! I blocked her arse and called her man and said, “Your immature, crazy ass, baby momma sent me messages.Telling to stop talking to you. HANDLE THAT.”

    1. max says:

      I love the “handle that” conversation. I’ve had to give that direction a couple of times in my life before I instituted my “if a girl calls me we’re automatically done” policy.

      1. luxemansion579 says:

        before I instituted my “if a girl calls me we’re automatically done” policy.
        Now THAT’S something I’d love to hear you elaborate on…

        1. max says:

          Well you know I’m a veteran of the open relationship so a lot of times when I’m with a dude it’s known and accepted that there are other women in the picture. And while I am fine with it, sometimes the side piece isn’t and wants to come and interfere with the main girl. My policy is “do what you do, but keep it out of my face” so if one of your jump offs gets to snooping and calls me with questions, I consider that a failure on your part to handle your business and you’re out.

  12. Kema says:

    I had a guy that use to send naughty texts to guys in my phone so he could see their responses. Yeah… its not just women!

    1. max says:

      It’s not just women you’re right. But a greater percentage of women do it than men.

      1. Adonis says:

        I guess because I am uber-nosy (accomplished information-whore) AND I spend most of my life defending the male-double standard… I really don’t care for people snooping (unless it is the government LOL)… WTF are you gonna do with the info… Where is your heart at, and that is all…

        You got chick like “Fatal Attraction” & “Swimfan” that I worry about… Other than that… I just have to pick better women…

  13. Drew Pillow says:

    I say yes to SNOOPING !
    do it to your hearts delight. in a relationship, just met – it doesn’t matter. You’re an adult, do what you want to do. It’s just like running a background check on a prospective employee or getting the carfax on a used car. Slicksters aren’t going to just come out and volunteer any evidence of their wrong doings so it’s your responsibility to find out or you can play the ostrich game if you want to.
    When it comes to your feelings & future the stakes are too high to leave to chance. As appealing as living in the fantasy world of “OMG he is just so perfect, i believe that it is much more cozy living in the light of reality – whether he is a dog or not. After al how can you decided if you want to be with himor not if you dont even know him.
    #GoAhead&SniffHisDrawzTooIfYouWanna

    1. max says:

      Interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a man say snooping is okay before.
      Am I right in assuming then that you are a snooper yourself?

    2. Starita34 says:

      Thanks for sharing your honest perspective, cuz truth be told a lot of people feel this way but are too PC to say it…but LET a person find out later some dirt, everyone is quick to say “You didn’t Google him!??!?!” Like it’s THEIR fault this man is an escaped convict…oh.

      1. max says:

        But Googling is not snooping though. That’s due diligence, which is completely different.

  14. Eve says:

    Sounds like someone’s booty call has been snooped on by his woman! If it’s there to find, she will find it…via snooping intentionally or not. If her gut says shit is up, then shit is up. If she calls a chick to verify, good for her, once she is polite and not pestering the woman…better to find out early and run from the cheating bastard.

    If you get such a call…tell the dam chick her man is trying to screw you if that’s what he’s trying to do….have a heart….why cover for a lying man? I’ve answered such a call and told the GF what he was doing with me. I was glad to find out he wasn’t being true to me while we were in a “relationship”. He then tried to save “US” by saying the GF was a psycho ex. I figured if he slandered her name, he would do the same to me. Thank god she snooped and saved my ass from him too.

    Then to flip the script my new BF iphone was flashing on his pillow in my eye at 3am, so I opened my eyes and there was a note from Sherry saying I wanna fuck u, its been days. So is that snooping? That was more than I needed to confront him and did…and his reaction said it all. He told all our friends that I was crazy, accused me of cheating, snooping etc. According to this blog…I’m a disgusting psycho.

    I say to any lady who has snooped once or many times(you included Max), who wants to snoop, who has a gut feeling that’s making her snoop; to please read up on Emotional Abuse. There are cycles that abusers go through and you need to recognise first (before snooping) if this is happening to you. Then you will be able to decide if snooping is the answer, if you find confirmation what to do with it and how to react to that information. Revealing it to the person who is lying may cause you to be sucked further into his trap, into the cycle of lying. eg. “Sherry sent the text to the wrong guy….she didnt mean it…she wants me.

    On the other hand information found from snooping, may help to validate that the person is emotionally abusing (lying, cheating) and give you the strength to walk away…..Peace, Eve.

  15. Sebastian says:

    Most people will snoop once, but all it will do is either justify the hurt you were already feeling, or damage trust if nothing was found. I don’t know anyone who snooped a second time.
    I think Most Interesting is right in that it depends on the circumstances. My buddy got snooped on. He had the misfortune of leaving her alone at his place while he ran out for takeout, leaving his laptop on and logged onto hotmail. Needless to say, when he returned, all hell broke loose. Later, when he was telling us about it, acting all outraged at the violation, all we could do was laugh. He constantly accused her of sleeping around, all while he was dipping more that DQ. My suggestion was to let the method of acquiring the evidence slide, and if he wasn’t gonna acknowledge he was a hypocrite, the least he could do was let things end with a little bit of respect.

  16. G_Russ says:

    Snooping is not my steez…a good liar is going to cover his/her tracks well enough not to get caught, and if finding out what she’s doing requires me hiding in bushes, and cracking passwords, then i’m the dummy for being in that relationship, and the proof i find will only confirm my stupidity.

    I wonder how many of these people saying that snooping is okay, would feel that way if they werent doing anything wrong, and their loved one was snooping thru their private/personal belongings?? Cause i always figure if she’s snooping on me, then maybe i should be snooping on her, because as the old saying goes “takes a thief, to catch a thief”…

  17. Starita34 says:

    Damn Gina! Why you going so hard on the chicas today? I’ve never snooped. I was just snooped ON and he couldn’t hang…he’s most likely reading this right now and I’m reaffirming his choice to not go further…but the fact remains. My motto is don’t ask a question you don’t want an honest answer to. Same with snooping…what are you looking for? You sure you want to find it? Nan person has an empty closet. No ma’am, not one.

  18. miss_tee says:

    don’t care how late i am (smile)
    I do not snoop why? because first of all you are always going to find things you do not want to find . Second of all what is in the darkness will come to the light!. Everything that people are trying to hide always comes out sooner or later. You didn’t have to hack anyones facebook, twitter,or search through their phone to attain any info.
    It is really that simple.

  19. Corey says:

    I once had a woman go to T-mobile and sweet talk the stupid niggras that worked there into giving her three months worth of detailed bills for an account her name was nowhere on. She then proceeded to call EVERY number she didn’t readily recognize. Some where the homies who then called me like “WTF!?”, one was my Harvard educated, married, female professor. The crazy broad tore her a new one and i’m not sure she ever knew what for. All I know that somewhere along the lines my name was mentioned. She was not amused and class was quite uncomfortable on Monday.

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