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This week we have a guest appearance from Julia of It's Not That Weird. She's gonna school those of us who are bondage novices on how to get our partners handcuffed and pliable so we can take advantage of them. Show her a warm Nasty Friday welcome and over-share in the comments.

Inspired by this insightful post on thisisyourconscience.com, I thought it would be cool to put  together a beginner-friendly guide to the art of bedroom bondage. It can be tricky to know where to start when it comes to bondage, especially because when most people think of “bondage” they think of whips, dominatrixes, leather and other porn-style bondage accessories. That stuff is out there, but it’s not necessarily the place to start when you’re just trying to dabble in BDSM. Bondage can be a lot less scary and a lot more sexy. The following are tips for the casual bondage-er.

1. How to bring it up with a partner.

I wish that saying “Hey, I’d love to tie to you up and blow your mind” wasn’t awkward, but in a lot of cases it can be. It can be challenging to bring up bondage regardless of whether you’re with someone new or someone familiar if you don’t know where they stand. Bondage has some stigma attached to it – it can be viewed as aberrant or deviant or, in some cases, unhealthy (though I’d like to point out this research article which found that engaging in BDSM is not correlated with sexual problems or psychological distress). But if you think you want to try it, don’t be intimidated by broaching the subject! You can say something like, “I hear that tying people up can be really hot – I’d love to try that with you,” or “It would turn me on to tie you up and be in control.” Clarify that you don’t have anything too crazy in mind (no whips, chains, handcuffs, etc) – just some rope or a tie or a belt. At the end of the day, however you bring it up, just don’t be embarrassed or awkward about what you want. It’s not weird to want to try it out.

2. Have a safeword/phrase.

Safewords usually get laughed off as something only required by the most extreme alternative sex fans, but in reality it’s a nice thing to have even if you aren’t engaging in role play. I’m a fan of safewords because I think they offer peace of mind when you’re just starting with bondage/role play/stuff like that. For one thing, if you’re having a great time with bondage and you decide in the heat of the moment to turn things into a hostage/captive role play, it’s nice to have a safeword already established so you don’t have to stop and have a conversation about it. Secondly, sometimes in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to get carried away. I like having an established safeword, because nothing kills the moment like screaming “BROCCOLI!” at the top of your lungs.

3. How to tie someone up.

There is a huge market for bondage toys out there, but if you haven’t given it a try yet it might not be worth investing when it’s easy to find suitable alternatives. Besides the obvious rope (if you have rope lying around in your bedroom), you can use a cheap necktie, a scarf, a belt, handkerchiefs (maybe tie a couple together) or really anything else that can restrain without chafing (definitely no chafing). Unless you’re doing serious role play, the person tied up isn’t actually going to try to break out of their restraints, so it’s okay to skip the Navy-style knots. There are also a lot of options for where to tie someone. You can tie someone to the headboard (assuming that you have that kind of headboard), but don’t be limited to horizontal thinking. If your partner would be cool with staying on their feet for a little while, you can tie them to a pull up bar, a shower curtain rod, the shower head (they definitely can’t fight their bonds in that instance, though, let’s not flood the building), curtain rods, doorknobs. You can tie their arms behind them while they’re in a chair. Additionally, it can sometimes be a fun exercise to tie someone’s arms without tying them to something – that limits their range of motion but allows for a lot more geographic flexibility.

4. Where to start once your partner is tied up.

Anywhere, really. Having an immobilized partner is a great opportunity to take your time exploring their body. You are free to lick, suck and stroke at your whim. Have you always loved the divot at their collarbone? Spend some time on it. Wondered whether your partner has a secret erogenous zone somewhere on their legs or arms? Find it! What can they do about it? This is your show. Take your time getting to the good
stuff, and be gentle. Experiment using ice chips or licking something delicious off a body part or two. Having a partner tied up gives you the time and the control to savor his or her body and try things that you wouldn’t necessarily if they were as energetic or un-tied-up as usual. It slows stuff down and allows you to get creative. Their body is suddenly your sexual canvas. It’s worth noting that you shouldn’t be too rough here, unless your partner asks for it. Remember that when someone is tied up they’re vulnerable – even if they usually like stuff rough, it’s better to err on the side of being too gentle when they’re helpless. They can always tell you to turn it up.

5. Blindfolds!

Nothing compliments a foray into bondage like a blindfold. You don’t have to have a nice one – really anything will do (throw a shirt over their head if you have to). When you lose one sense, your other senses heighten (we’re all probably familiar with the example of blind people having superior hearing). Well the same is true for touch. Take away your partner’s sight and you’ll really blow their mind.

6. Communicate.

Whatever you do, make sure that the lines of communication are open. Honesty turns incredible sex into f*cking incredible sex. Have fun!

So what do you guys think? Are you well-versed in the art of bondage or will you be trying Julia’s tips and incorporating this into your repertoire? I know you guys are some dirty birds – do you have tips of your own to share?