5 Memos I Missed


Whenever I get to talking to new people about my blog, one of the first questions that comes up is “how do know so much about sex and relationships?”. The answer I give varies according to the situation and the person asking the question, but the truth is that  – if you subscribe to the theory that I do, in fact, know a lot about sex and relationships – I learned most of it from magazines.

In my ultra-impressionable teens and early twenties, I devoured every issue of women’s magazines like Sassy, Allure, Glamour, and the ever-vapid Cosmo. Now that I’m an adult, the interest I once had in them has been diverted to blogs. But the process is the same; salivate in anticipation of the next issue or post, read it voraciously, post it up at eye-level above my desk if it’s particularly resonant, and begin applying the lessons I’ve learned to my daily life.

As you guys are all well aware by now, I have my own bizarre and byzantine method of navigating life. So it should come as no surprise to you that I often hear about things that people are doing and am completely stunned because I had no idea. This happens a lot when it comes to dating and relationships. The more I read about how people navigate the murky waters of sex and romance, the more I ask myself, why didn’t I know about this? And the answer is usually either that I did know about it and just fail at applying it to my life and have therefore blocked it from my consciousness, or more likely that I flat out missed the memo.

So here we go – 5 memos I missed (or completely ignored)

1. Mirroring

Mirroring falls under the category of things that I ignored. Actually – more like I forget about it when I need it and then remember when it’s completely useless. But when I was a young pup, it was the number one most-dispensed advice for how to get a guy to like you. I’m no psychologist, but the basic concept of mirroring is that if you mimic the body language of the person you have your eye on, you can somehow #swindle them into developing an affinity for you. So if you’re chatting up a man in the club and he leans against the bar, you lean against the bar too. I first read about this when I was about 17 years old and whenever I’m going somewhere where I know the object of my affection will be, I think to myself – I’m gonna try this mirroring shit and see if it works. But I never fucking remember to do it so I have no idea if it’s genius or utter malarkey.

2. Dazzle and Befuddle

Dazzle and befuddle is max-speak for the common “flirting” tactic of be all up in a man’s face one minute and then disappear the next. Then you come back and dazzle him some more and retreat again. The point of this is to make him completely enthralled by you but then retreat before he gets too comfortable. Then you reappear right before he forgets about you, suck him back into your vortex, and then leave him wanting more by disappearing. Does it work? I have no idea.  I’m an utter failure at this move because what likely happens is either a) in the dazzling phase I become so utterly besotted by the dude that I completely forget about retreating or b) I retreat and get sidetracked and forget to return.

4. The Bowl of Popcorn

I learned about what I call the bowl of popcorn theory when I first read Why Men Love Bitches.  In the book they tell you (and I’m paraphrasing wildly here) that when you invite a man over to your house for the first time you should resist your womanly inclination to get to his heart by cooking him an amazing meal and instead pop some corn and offer him a handful. This will teach him that he should not be expecting you to feed him – if he wants to eat something substantial he should take you out for dinner. What it ultimately comes down to is if you want a man to like you, Don’t do nice things for him. let him do nice things for you. This is a classic example of something that made me look around in confusion like – does everyone know about this but me?

6. Calling men Daddy

Up until I read this article, I was under the impression that calling men Daddy was reserved for porn stars and one particularly freaky man I dated. I had no idea that regular women like me were calling their men Daddy during sex and that both they and the daddies were loving it.

6. The Foodie Call

Ah the foodie call. This is what inspired this whole post. When I read this over at Until I Get Married, I was like waitWHAT? (Hi Saks!) We invite men we’re not in a relationship with to come over just to eat? For real? I’m still so confused as to how I reached my mid-thirties without ever having heard of this.

Anyway, that’s my list of moves that I either didn’t know or forgot to know about, but what say you all? Do you know about these moves? Have you ever used them? Do you think they work? What dating memos did you miss?

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 24

  1. this whole list is bananas. people actually do things like this? i guess i missed the memo as well.

  2. 1. Mirroring

    Mirroring doesn’t work with cats like me… After a while, I just do stuff to f*ck with a woman who employs the mirroring tactic. And, I do tend to get irritable when I find a woman is mocking me… Want the convo to get hostile?

    2. Dazzle and Befuddle

    Said it before, and I feel it’s only fitting to say it here–men aren’t the only a$$holes out there, and THIS tactic proves it. If women don’t want to be this nonsense happening to them, WHY…SHOULD…WE?! And, it gets REAL old REAL fast… On BOTH sides of the receiving end…

    3. The Bowl of Popcorn

    ANOTHER a$$hole move… Dudes like me will just go out and get something…for OURSELVES. Since it’s OBVIOUS that women who try this are good…at thinking about themselves…

    4. Calling men Daddy

    This will freak me out if the chick is like 15 years or so younger than me…

    5. The Foodie Call

    If a woman invites me over to eat, I’m expecting cuddling while watching a movie following by cunnilingus in a few hours at the least. Otherwise, I would tend to think the woman is f*cking with me… Like in (1) through (3)…

  3. Adonis says:

    1. Mirroring – It is a basic way of getting rapport with people because if you can mirror the movements (breathing, body language, blinking) if will give people the subconscious impression that you are like them… It absolutely works, but you have to be subtle & you have to practice it to get it down… But us human do it naturally (have you ever noticed a couple that is in a relationship for a LONG time that they start to look like each other… It is because they have been in rapport & mirror each other for so long, the body makes the slow but sure adjustments…)

    & mirroring is also using a person verbal language also & the specific words (s)he likes to use frequently (My favorite words are wavy, FAN-Tastic, swallow, etc… )

    2. Dazzle & Befudddle… This is basic Push-Pull theory, women & men who do this are called Coquettes… this tactic is DEADLY in the seduction game because by Yo-Yo-ing with a person can’t stir so much confusion & desire that the they will want more of it & more of it FROM YOU… The great Cleopatra (who wasn’t all that good looking), used this as one of her seduction tool to entrap men…

    4. I have read “Why Women Love Bitches” (by Sherry Argov) also… & I believe that a woman should hold back a little & be more disciplined not to give all of her self right away… It may not work with EVERY man, but with most men, they will at least respect & at most, work harder to get you…

    6. Love it when a woman calls me “Daddy” even if she is older… Idk the psychology behind this, but “I Wanna S*ck on Daddy’s D*ck” is nice to hear from most women…

    6. Idk what to make of this… But when a woman tries this on me… I’ll tell you what happened…

    To keep it simple you should flash your victim instead… Does wonders…

    Interesting Post


    1. ChloeRayne516 says:

      “Dazzle & Befudddle… This is basic Push-Pull theory, women & men who do this are called Coquettes… this tactic is DEADLY in the seduction game because by Yo-Yo-ing with a person can’t stir so much confusion & desire that the they will want more of it & more of it FROM YOU…”


  4. HLBB says:

    I learned about mirroring in psych class…the teacher never said it was a flirting tactic!

    As for the bowl of popcorn. Well popcorn is a specialty of mine. I’ve had it as a meal. So that kinda defeats the purpose…

    I too never got any of these memos

  5. Berriblk says:

    Dazzle and Beffudle works! I had no idea this was a “tactic”: for me its just a way of life. I have a slight issue with emotions. Sometimes they’re there, but usually they aren’t lol. Your timing has to be good though, no man waits forever.

    Bowl of Popcorn is another “tactic” I use that I had no idea was an actual tactic. I LOATHE cooking. I’d rather starve than cook. Its just something about a kitchen that makes me unable to be in it for too long. Disclaimer: I do know how to cook, but I’d rather not. So I always let a guy know I don’t like cooking and I will only marry a man who is a chef or atleast likes to think he’s one. Its worked pretty well! My guys usually cook for me and they aren’t bad at all! (Although I haven’t read the book I do believe men RESPECT bitches…Im not a bitch, but I do quietly demand respect. Its all in the way you carry yourself ladies).

    I can NOT with that whole “Daddy” foolishness.

    Foodie Call I haven’t heard of, but when I think about I have done it, but not for men I wanted to be in a relationship with. They’ve only been friends and I happened to cook for myself that day lol

    A lot that I have learned about relationships is based on observation and reading. I give a lot of advice to people 2x my age that always baffled me, but I seem to be doing something right.

  6. LaLaBakir says:

    What kinda foolishness? I heard of the Bowl of Popcorn theory…not any of the others

    As far as calling a man daddy…NEVER will I call any many Daddy except for my father. First off, I still call my father Daddy. I don’t want to hear that word if I’m doing something sexual. Second of all, I have yet to come across a man that takes care of me and treats me as well as my father. No one has been worthy of the name…if the event that I would consider using it.

    1. DTI says:

      I agree. If I called my father daddy i wouldn’t be able to use it with my s/o. I disagree about the not having good relationships with their fathers part though. My dad is awesome..I just happen to call him “Poppy” ..like the seed.

      1. LaLaBakir says:

        uh? what part about relationships w/ their fathers? did I miss something

        1. DTI says:

          hmmm….my reply showed up on the wrong post it was supposed a response to the post below this for Mrs. Brightside.

  7. Mrs.Brightside says:

    Popcorn is new to me. I like it and plan to try it.

    The foodie call situation I usually invite more than one friend over if I’m cooking to share but if it’s just you I’m trying to seduce you. My mother taught me the quickest way to man’s heart is through his stomach. I’ve been proposed to after a meal on several occasions lol.

    The Daddy crap is for silly little chicks that don’t have good relationships with their fathers. I call my daddy daddy so any time daddy comes out of my mouth I’m referring to the man who helped create me. It just sounds so weird. I don’t like watch porn when chicks say that its weird. I don’t understand how men enjoy that. I’m sure if they have a child, especially a daughter, that it would stop being a turn on at least I hope.

  8. DTI says:

    Mirroring: So if he absentmindedly does a peen readjustment you should start grabbing your vagine?

    Dazzle and Befuddle= the reason a lot of women are still single.

    I think that bowl of popcorn business is horseshit. Yes, this might prompt him to take you out for dinner for fear of having popcorn as his meal..unless thats ur thing u know popcorn for dinner..not knocking it…but, most guys i know will leave your house and proceed to tell his friends how ” i went to this bitch house and all she did was pop some fucking popcorn” Some shit shouldn’t be taught. If you feel like cooking then cook, if not suggest you go out but don’t invite the poor man over and present him with some Orville Redenbacher like its a gourmet meal.

    I call my s/o Daddy often….in bed mostly…this is the first s/o I’ve actually used that term with..I like he loves it..or maybe vice versa i dont know. I say it in Spanish if the mood really gets going. Bow chicka wow wow.

  9. Either I’ve been living in a bubble, or reading the wrong magazines. I missed all of these memos. Every single one.
    That “daddy” thing creeps me out. I break out in hives at the thought of calling the man that supplies me with the peen the same name as the man who raised me.
    *sprints to CVS for benadryl*

    1. Mrs.Brightside says:

      “That “daddy” thing creeps me out. I break out in hives at the thought of calling the man that supplies me with the peen the same name as the man who raised me.
      *sprints to CVS for benadryl*”

      Thank you. I thought I was just overreacting.

  10. ChloeRayne516 says:

    I must’ve been with Max that day because I didn’t get the memo on most of these items either. Numbers 1, 4, and 6 (the actual sixth paragraph) I’ve never heard of such a thing. *confused*

    But I do pull the dazzle and befuddle often (didn’t even know there was a word for it) because I get bored easily, so I don’t like making myself too available.

    Calling him daddy (papi) during thronxing… Nothing new, I’ve been doing that for years just cuz I like it — didn’t know it was tha thing to do. *shrug*

  11. Menelaus says:

    Latinas got that calling men “daddy” thing on lock. You can’t do that with too many Black women though. Either because “you not they father’ or because you are their father. #thinkaboutthat

    I know about your last memo missed. Some women are lonely. People don’t understand how weird women can get too. My building is filled with single women, it’s like a freaking house full of cats in there. They all single, but they hate being alone. They will cook the most elaborate meal just to have some company over. They just don’t like sitting up in the house all by themselves all the time. My thing is… they not f*cking, I mean, having sex with me. So I just be like… nah chill, I don’t really think I need to be that man in your life.

    There’s a variation of this too! Have you ever had a female friend who will like act like y’all dating and shit, just to get a rouse out of you? You know exactly what i’m talking about! Like you’ll say, I’m thinking about hitting up this happy hour. She’ll respond, “Are you inviting me?” Yeah, she wants you to ask her out, even though y’all are not f*cking, I mean having sex. She’ll not show up to something and later be like, “You never asked me to come.” But you sent an email out to your entire network. That girl is using you so she feels like someone is trying to date her. Even if y’all are not f*cking, I mean having sex.

  12. killa says:

    mirroring is kind of a subconscious thing… you shouldn’t HAVE to do it, it just happens… and if it does, you guys are on the same page, right?

  13. Cheekie says:

    Mirroring was always the weirdest one to me. Like I never ever considered consciously doing that to show I like him or to sense that he likes me. Maybe because if/when I do it… it’s subconscious? Yeah, I’mma go with that. lol

  14. Wait, what?! No you didn’t…

  15. Kema says:

    I am going to try all of these things this weekend…. well not the daddy and the foodie thing.

  16. Number 2 is so common these days. It’s also annoying. Let’s not play like high school and be adults. Let’s have a conversation and see where it goes. I’m not one for playing games…or should I say that I don’t like to be played with…lol.

  17. wg4ever says:

    You missed the memo because the subject was titled playing games. Don’t know you personally but because you’ve been so blunt in previous post, Imma guess you dont play…..games.

  18. Jinx Moneypenny says:

    I tried the daddy thing the other night. Didn’t feel awkward, I just felt encouraged to do it again because of his reaction. So while I won’t be saying it all the time, I’ll definitely be saying it more.

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