I heard an interesting story the other day about this girl I used to be friends with. Apparently she was long-distance dating a dude who lived in Ohio and after the requisite amount of getting to know you time, she invited him to come to Toronto. The deal was that he would fly himself up here and she would put him up at her place to save him the cost of the hotel. Sounds fair enough right?
Problem was, the first night he was in town they were at her place hanging out when he suggested they retire to the bedroom. They did, but it quickly became clear that each of them had a vastly different idea of what should be going on once they got there. To put it baldly (since that’s how we do it around here), he wanted to fuck and she didn’t.
After the requisite yes-no-yes-no power struggle, she got fed up and went into the other room. Ohio man, alone in her bed with an unresolved hard-on, decided to take matters into his own hands. So he jerked himself off in her bed and blew an epic load all over her $500 comforter.
Whatever else you want to say about this story, I think – I hope – we all can agree that shooting your seeds all over someone’s comforter is pretty bad sex manners.
But when it comes to good sex manners, the lines can get murky pretty quickly. Our individual standards of what constitutes bad manners vary wildly and depend on a million things. And since my goal in life is for all of us to have frequent, bullshit-free sex, I thought it would be fun if we worked together to create an international standard of good sex manners.
I’m going to throw out a few situations and you guys tell me in the comments what you think the mannerly thing to do is.
1. If a woman is wearing makeup and she’s at a man’s house and gets to boning, is it bad manners if she does not remove her makeup before writhing around on his sheets?
2. If you spend the night after thronxing and your host leaves the house before you do, is it bad manners if you don’t make their bed before you leave?
3. Is it impolite to not say thank you after sex?
4. If the chex occurs at your place, are you obliged to offer a post-slam beverage?
5. Leaping up and jumping into the shower less than 5-minutes post-orgasm? Rude or just ultra-hygienic?
6. Is failure to provide a post-sex cleanup towel bad manners?
7. Is it bad manners to assume that fucking someone = an invitation to spend the night?
8. If a man fails to offer a woman with cab fare to get home post-fuck, is he rude? What if a woman is welcome to sleep at a man’s house after sex and opts not to, is he still obligated to provide cab fare?
9. If you don’t walk your guest to the door when they leave, are you rude?
10. (You guys had to know this one would be included) If a man doesn’t contact a woman the day after he fucks her for the first time is he a rude asshole?
For once in my life, I’m going to hold my tongue and not tell you guys what I think of these situations. You guys tell me – what is the polite thing to do in these situations?