Make Your Hand Job Great

04
Feb
2011
hand-jobs-demotivational-poster-1244092034

A while back I schooled the men on how to properly finger a woman. In that post many of the ladies expressed their love for manual stimulation and bemoaned the fact that men were not giving it the proper attention.


But ladies, it seems that was a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black. Because word on the street is that far too many of you don’t know and don’t care to give a proper hand job.  Now I know it doesn’t seem like there’s much point to it. I know that if there is a job to be done most of us would prefer it to be of the blow variety. But in order to be great at anything in life we must first master the fundamentals. You can’t be a great diver if you can’t swim, you can’t be a great blogger if you can’t spell, and you can’t be a great fuck if you can’t give a good hand job.

Plus there are some circumstances in life in which a hand job works better than a blow job. I mean, I love giving head as much as the next girl but I’m not slobbing anyone’s knob in the movie theatre, you know? But I’ll yank the shit out of your chain in there.

A wise man once told me that the reason I hate doing squats and lunges is that they are hard and I am not good at them. And I have a feeling that the same principles apply here. I have a feeling that one of the reasons women don’t like to give a man a yank is that they really don’t know how to do anything but grab and tug and that doesn’t do anything for anyone.

So allow me, my dear readers, to share with you my tips for how to turn a hand job into a life-giving experience. Don’t ask me where I learned this shit but trust me – this will transform your hand jobs from an exercise in chafing and wrist ache to an “oh my God where the fuck did you learn that?” type of situation.

Just remember to tell them #MaxieTaughtMe

1. A crash course in cock

To give a great hand job, you have to understand the anatomy of dick. Each part of it has its own distinct personality and you have to learn how to work with it.

The base of the dick is a soldier, it can take a lot of pressure so don’t be afraid of it, but make sure you lube it up first.

The underside of the dick is where it’s at – the erectile tissue is right under the skin there which makes it super sensitive so make sure you give it some quality attention.

The coronal ridge (where dick and head meet) is also very sensitive. Give it some quality time

The frenulum is the little band of tissue on the underside just beneath the head. If the head of the penis is the money spot, this is a close second.

The balls. We here at max-logic.com believe in balls. Never ignore the balls.

2. Grease it up

If you’re gonna give a lube-free hand job you might as well take a piece of sandpaper to the dick and then delete your number from his phone – the end result will be the same.

3. Effleurage

In the world of massage technique, effleurage is a stroke that is used to warm up the muscles before you begin to stimulate them. It’s also used as a transition from one technique to another, and to relax muscles after stimulation. In the world of hand jobs, the effleurage is your basic stroke. Start at the bottom, stroke up, give a little twist at the coronal ridge, and slide back down. You know – the only move you’ve been doing when you’ve been giving hand jobs thus far, right? Whatever other techniques you use – and there are a shit-tonne of them on the internets for you to peruse – periodically come back to the effleurage to speed things up or slow them down.

5. You have two hands, so use two hands

When you’re doing your effleurage, turn your non-dominant hand into a cock ring – grip the base of the cock between your thumb and index finger (kind of like making an okay sign). This intensifies things by trapping blood in the dick.

Also remember that there is no law that states you may only stroke dick with one hand at a time. Your stroke up, twist, and stroke down move works just as well – if not better if you do it with both hands at the same time. Put it to you like this – the more of his dick you’re touching at any one time, the better. Lube up, interlace your fingers and wrap them around the dick, and get to stroking.

And as a lover of the balls, I also encourage you to stroke or gently squeeze his balls with one hand while you’re stroking the shaft.

6. Pulsing, tapping, flipping, and open palms

We all know that dicks enjoy tight grips, but that doesn’t mean you have to be squeezing it for dear life the entire time. Mix up your closed-grip stroking by rubbing your open palm up along that oh-so-sensitive underside, then over the head before closing your grip on your downstroke.

Variety is the spice of hand jobs, so while you shouldn’t be switching wildly from one technique to another, you also shouldn’t be performing the same move over and over ad ejaculation. Even something as simple as changing your grip can provide a new set of sensations for your friend. So instead of continually stroking with your hand upright, turn it upside down and stroke that way.

Now remember how I told you that the coronal ridge and the frenulum are sensitive spots that like special attention? Pause at the top of your stroke to squeeze the coronal ridge or tap the frenulum before continuing on.

7. Props and surprises

If you really want to give your man a jolt, pressing a vibrating toy to the base of the dick or the perineum (that’s the taint for you uncouth folks) while continuing your strokes can also enhance the experience for him. If your batteries are dead, wrapping a strand of beads or a silk scarf around your hand and then stroking also provides a whole new set of sensations.

If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, you can try slipping a well-lubed finger into the stink. I strongly advise you to get the appropriate security clearance before attempting such a move – I’ve already told you guys that unauthorized rear entry is grounds for dismissal and a lifetime ban from the premises.

8. Be a vagina

The goal of the hand job is to be so great that if your man was blindfolded he wouldn’t be able to tell if it was your mouth, hands, or pussy enclosing him so nicely. So what you want to do is emulate the vagina. In the immortal words of my unofficial sex guru, the vagina is tight but it’s slippery and it gives way. So don’t think of yourself as giving him a hand job, think of it as recreating your pussy with your hands.

And of course, as with any other sex act, make it look good (i.e. be naked) and be enthusiastic.

And there you have it – my tips for making your hand job great. But what say you guys? Do you give hand jobs or did you stop doing that when your cherry popped? Ladies do you have any tips for giving a good hand job? Men are you even interested in getting a good hand job or would you rather just get head? It’s Friday – overshare with me in the comments.



33 Comments

  • HANDS JOBS ARE AWESOME! *cough* Sorry, couldn’t contain myself.

    I agree with all your tips EXCEPT 7. Props and surprises. Max you know from my writings and ramblings and rambling writings that I’m pretty open minded but all that vibrating ish is for WOMEN in my humble opinion. If you put one of those contraptions too close to my nether regions my once powerful [Richard] may mess around and shrivel away on you like a frightened turtle. I draw the line at anything that vibrates being near me. I’ll use it on YOU all day long. But me? No thanks! ok mayyyybe when I’m married and after she’s been sworn to secrecy under threat of death, mayyybe

    Now as far as WIM goes, I like hand jobs because it’s a lost art. Like your fingering post, in High School it was the cue-de-gra, now you’re lucky if a woman even does it or even knows how to do it. Thus, like men with most things. I like it because ironically, it’s different. Not every woman knows how to do it and even if they do not all are willing to do it. Basically, a woman can never have too many weapons in her arsenal and if you arent giving out hand jobs which is probably the easiest thing in the world to do and learn your arsenal is probably lacking compared to the next woman. Personally, I prefer a nice warm-up hand job which moves into a blow job and becomes a lovely mix of hand job vs. blog job until well…..THE END.

    My [Richard] and I thank you for this post. I hope it changes the lives of many.

    • Oh yeah, I forgot to add that *said in pervert voice* I like to watch.

      I mean I can jack myself off (< is that proper etiquette?) any time I want, so there's nothing like taking a night off and letting a woman do it for me with #twohands especially if eventually she ends up doing it with #nohands.

      • Sam Sharpe says:

        “I mean I can jack myself off (< is that proper etiquette?) any time I want, so there's nothing like taking a night off and letting a woman do it for me with #twohands especially if eventually she ends up doing it with #nohands."

        Can I get an AAAAAAAAAMEN!

  • ThickCurls83 says:

    I admit I have been intimidated by the thought of giving a hand job. I learned all on blow job techniques from books, and then practicing what I read in them. The problem is that my books never gave detailed descriptions of a woman giving a hand job. Not That I have some suggestions to follow, I will be practicing them until perfection is achieve. Thank you Max!!!

  • Yoles says:

    i once perfected the art of the high job many years ago in high school but i will say that my skills became less and less used over time…

    now in my adult life i will say i have never had a man request a hand job but i tend to incorporate them into my bj style… that old fashioned tug job is usually my warm up (mostly because i do NOT believe in putting my mouth on a flaccid penis-weird i know but its my weird take it or leave it-) and i do it during kissing, dirty talk or any other kind of flirty, we are about to get it on activity.

    the only tip i have is i talk during, talk nasty, dirty, filthy mostly about my future plans for said penis… i look forward to hearing any and all other tips…

  • LaLaBakir says:

    There’s a technique called “the never ending tunnel” that’s just genius!

    • ChloeRayne516 says:

      Hey….. *taps LaLaBakir on shoulder*

      What is “the never ending tunnel”????? *grabs pen and paper*

      • LaLaBakir says:

        You use two hands…stroke the peen up with the left hand (starting at the base) and just when you get to the tip, repeat the same process with the right hand. Keep alternating hands…and there you have the never ending tunnel

        I learned this at a sex workshop…tried it…and it definitely works! Dude was moaning and cursing something serious.

  • Kema says:

    I say watch the expert… Its his dick and he has been wanking it for years. All guys do not do it the same. Ive learned a lot this way.

    **wonders… you shouldnt give head in the movie theater?

    • Sam Sharpe says:

      I was thinking the same thing. I don’t know about other dudes, but nothing says lovin’ like a little movie theatre head. It might also say a whole host of other things but why let that spoil the fun.

      • max says:

        I’m all for other people giving head in the movies but I’ll admit that my freakiness has a limit and that is it. I just imagine myself being caught, imagine it being in the news, imagine my family disowning me…..bad scene.

        • Adonis says:

          Max… do you know how much traffic you will get at your blog if you Practice What You Preach … Make the NEWS

          You will get that Short-Term Fame… that the oily butt avi could never produce

  • Sam Sharpe says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. Maxie, I’ve lost track of the amount of women who’ve attacked my junk as if they are trying to remove it, put it their overnight bag so they can take it home….

    The same way a woman doesn’t want a man to spend his time rubbing her clit raw like it has eczema or something, nor does she want to have a man pounding on her all night, no dude wants a woman manhandling his johnson in a reckless manner.

    So, kudos to you max for bringing the heat and schooling those who need schooling.

    • Starita34 says:

      “attacked my junk as if they are trying to remove it, put it their overnight bag so they can take it home”

      Ummm, they probably were trying to take it home…I know I plan to.

  • not really a fan of hand jobs unless i know sex is following shortly. just hand jobs alone? nasw son. i’m not 14. perhaps i just haven’t had the right type of hand job.

  • !BB! says:

    I didn’t know women had stopped giving or didn’t know how to give hand jobs! That’s one of the first things I learned. I just did one last week!(Too much? my bad) I have very hot hands so warming lube is of no use to me. I like looking up at guy while I’m doing the double twist. It really boosts my ego.

    Good post homey!

  • Starita34 says:

    Ha ha! Excellent post, and much needed. You hit the head on the nail with the whole you don’t like it cause you’re not good at it thing. #Guilty. I’ve done it like twice in my life and it was so not worth me pursuing excellent in it when I’d much prefer to give head…but once again, you’re right, I love the old finger bag, so…I guess I gotta stop being such a hypocrite.

    Good tips, perhaps I’ll try them out one day if I EVER get access to a dick again.

    However, I do maintain, that I’ll never be able to stroke his dick as well as he does which is why I like to watch him do it and you can get tips on where he’s most sensitive and what gets him off too by observing the Masterbater. I also stand steadfast that no hand job will ever be better than my mouth, but variety and spice and alla that. Great post.

  • ChloeRayne516 says:

    Haven’t given a Hand Job like that since high school and let’s face it dudes ain’t trying to sit through no hand job too long either before they start pushing your head down SOUTH or pulling you to pony up.

    .

  • Adonis says:

    I would teach my girlfriends even better & faster if you do a how-to video with an overly-eager Toronto stud… (The johnson has to be 10 inches… so you can do the anatomy lesson)

  • Adonis says:

    The blowjob makes handjobs rare… I don’t even want to see handjob porn… But now… just like every woman I meet has to get her health & overall sex game up, she has to learn to spank the monkey

    I agree… watching the way I jerk is the key to mastery

  • davidruffin83 says:

    My homie was messing off with this chick. Cute girl, nice body, etc. Things pick up and he’s thinking its about to go down. She starts jerking him….No chewing follows….No cheeks are cracked. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Her official name with the crew is now ODDJOB. My only question to him is how did she manage to jerk you…..TWICE? I cannot and will not allow such tomfoolery to occur with me.

  • God bless you for this post.

    The last good/great handy I got was in college. From a church-y chick. She was so fascinated by the act and accomplishing the conclusion that she was actually extremely eager to do it. Do to unfortunate circumstances, she wasn’t mentally ready for fellatio. (Though, sadly, she was all too far fellatio – among other things – a couple of years later, and after we stopped dealing with each other…but I digress.)

    Far too often, I hear women complaining about how juvenile the act is. Stop it. Add it to your repertoire. Besides, the more ways you know how to make your man cum, the more perks you open up for yourself.

    In theory, anyway. Happy tugging! [II]

  • Nick says:

    LOVED this post, even showed it to my girlfriend. Not because she needs to change what she does, but because she does all of this already! And- hats off to her- she doesn’t even need lube to get me riled. Which I didn’t think was possible, but she can use just her hands, and nothing else, and still bring me to orgasm. It feels so good. I picked a good one all right. haha


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