I’m a bit of an asshole, but if I have one redeeming quality it’s that I have a big heart. If I take you into my circle I will shower you with the full force of all of the affection I have for you until you cross me and I cut you off for life. [...]
I’m a bit of an asshole, but if I have one redeeming quality it’s that I have a big heart. If I take you into my circle I will shower you with the full force of all of the affection I have for you until you cross me and I cut you off for life. The thing is though that I am nothing if not a weirdo my methods for showing love often have the effect of making the people I love think I hate them. Ooops.
This has been a recurring theme as of late, so I thought I’d create you all a cheat sheet so that you know the difference between when I’m acting like an asshole because you’re useless to me and when I’m acting like an asshole because I care. So I give you the top 5 weird ways I show my love:
1. I yell at you
If you tell me that last night you had sex with a girl while she was sleeping and I laugh and applaud your stealth techniques, it’s because you’re a lost cause to me. I do not value you enough to waste my precious breath explaining to you why that is f*cked up and you should never do it again. However, if you are my friend and I start yelling and sputtering and typing in all caps because you’re trying to wear skin-coloured stockings or a football jersey on a date, that means I love you. I really love you.
2. I take forever to respond to you
If we’re engaging in some kind of text-based conversation and my answers are coming fast and furious, it’s because I’m comfortable enough with you that I don’t feel the need to pre-screen my responses before I type them. But if the answers come slowly, with lots of “Max is typing” followed by “Max has entered text” that means I’m taking my time and carefully considering what I say before I say it. Because I like you and I want you to love everything I say. Is this dumb? Maybe. But there you have it.
3. I don’t swear or talk dirty
This really applies more to the men in my life than the women, but as you guys are all aware I’m a dirty girl with a potty mouth. So if we’re talking and nary a “fuck” leaves my tongue, that means I respect you. And if I do let one slip and I apologize afterward, you have just won the Max lottery. And as far as dirty talk is concerned, you guys know I love it, but I think it’s bad for business to engage in too much of it with a man I’m actually interested in (did I write about this before? I think I did). So if I go all demure on you that’s a sign that I’m feeling you. Which brings me to my next point…
3-b. I’ll make you wait for sex
I know my boy Linc thinks this is the dumbest thing ever, but if I’m digging you I am not going to give up the nani in a hurry. I’ll want to get to know you and I’ll want it to be special. I’m not going to go too far into depth in it here because it’ s another post for another blog and another day, but if I’m continually swatting your hands away, that means I really really want you.
5. I call you fuckface
This is the all-time weirdest and most hilarious thing about me. When I really really love someone I call them fuckface. I don’t know why, but it’s just an inexplicable urge that I cannot control. So if you ever get a “hey fuckface” from me, don’t be offended. Be happy because that means I love you more than all the other people that I’m calling honey and sweetie.
So that’s my random list, but what about you guys? Do you have weird ways of showing you care or am I the only one? Share with me in the comments.