Those of you who follow me on twitter may have seen my tweets last night about going to hear Spike Lee speak. Despite @MidtownMo‘s determination to steal my joy, I was really excited about it and by the time we got to the welcoming speeches I was nearly jumping out of my chair. Once he [...]
Those of you who follow me on twitter may have seen my tweets last night about going to hear Spike Lee speak. Despite @MidtownMo‘s determination to steal my joy, I was really excited about it and by the time we got to the welcoming speeches I was nearly jumping out of my chair. Once he finally took the stage I was ready. I even put down my phone so I could give the discussion my full attention. There is just nothing better in life for me than listening to someone who is great at what they do talk about it.
The problem was that the “moderator” of the discussion – a well-known Canadian film maker whose name I will not mention here because I feel like it’s rude to call him out like that – basically….shitted it up. Beyond the fact that he had clearly not done his research about Spike Lee, beyond the fact that the discussion was so unstructured that 10 minutes of the hour were spent discussing Michael Jackson while at least 3 of Lee’s films went completely unmentioned, this dude was so fucking awkward and self-conscious that it was painful to watch him.
If I ruled the world which I have no desire to do because I’m pretty sure it would not leave me enough free time to tweet and paint my nails I would banish self-consciousness from all humanity. I’m pretty sure it has the all-time worst ROI of all emotions – the amount of time you spend worrying about what other people are thinking about you is probably about 9999999 times more than the amount of time those people are actually spending thinking about you. If, in fact, these people even know you exist. Yet still I see people every day limiting themselves and limiting their experiences because they are afraid of what people will think of them.
Let me just say this before I go on – there are times in life where what others think of you is a valid concern. Your professional reputation? Yes, absolutely. Your carfax? No doubt. But beyond that I think you need to give yourself the freedom to explore life in safe or productive ways without getting bogged down with concerns about what people are gonna think of you.
And of course you know who are the worst offenders when it comes to self-consciousness are, right? Women. And you know when their self-consciousness fucks shit up the most, right? When it comes to sex.
I know women who will turn down sex because their bikini line isn’t freshly waxed. Who won’t remove their bras during sex because they think their titties are too small. Who can’t have orgasms because they’re too busy worrying if their stomach is rolling when they bend over that way. Women who insist that the lights stay off at all times, who won’t allow themselves to do that thing you know they want to do because they don’t want to be labeled a freak. Who won’t initiate sex because they’re afraid of rejection (actually scratch that one because I do that too) and who won’t get on top because they don’t know if they’re doing it right.
Honestly I want to bang my head against the wall just thinking about it. But I refuse to punish myself for everyone else’s navel-gazing.
Gloria Vanderbilt once said that we should all have “great, secret, big fat hopes for yourself in love and in life”. If I have any great fat secret hope for myself it would be to become an activist and galvanize people into thinking my way. But my cause wouldn’t be anything as lofty as civil rights or the environment or affordable post-secondary education; it would be this: for women to get the fuck over themselves. And the first order of business would be to banish all sex-prohibiting self-consciousness. I think I would start a fucking revolution.
And that’s the end of my rant. But tell me what you guys think? Are you self-conscious? About what? Do you try to overcome it or do you just not do the things you’re too self-conscious to do? Is this the exclusive domain of women or are men guilty of this too? Men has a woman’s self-consciousness ever gotten in the way of a good time? Speak on it in the comments.
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that’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches.
Man, you took my comment
my bad homie.
Most “bloggers” are self-conscious. I think writing just helps us become aware of where our insecurities lie with the topics we decide to talk. Now self-conscious being self-aware is fine but lacking confidence is not. Just depends on how you define the word. I fancy the first definition. Nothing being aware of your situation and you.
“I think I would start a fucking revolution.” Love it!!!
I’ve missed out on some good head a couple of times but I offer as an excuse I know how I want to be perceived so if you aren’t my regular smash buddy who knows what it looks like in the best conditions I’m not going to present you with an unkempt nether region.
But I do agree people need to let go and enjoy life. I can’t remember which comedian it was but they said it best “ain’t no man turned down p^ssy because finger nail polish (bra) and toe nail polish (panties) don’t match.”
Katt WIlliams. That lil dude is fun-knee!
Damn Max you didnt have to call me out like that.
I’m guilty of this but only in my professional life… Ive put my dream of joining the Army on hold because I am afriad of what my family and friends will say… I just cant let the what if’s stop my dreams
I’m flirting with an old fling from like 17 yrs ago and back then the titties were high and everything was it’s place. The baby wars had yet to be taken place. So now it’s like you want naked pics of me? le sigh I mean it did it and now me and my roomie and I have no more boundaries but I was sooo nervous about it. lol But I don’t let it stop my fucking. Hell to the naw! lol
The only thing I’m really self-conscious about is my tush and hips. While I am embracing them more w/ each passing day…I still roll my eyes when people feel compelled to make comments as if I don’t know how my body shape. Some comments are nice, some…not so much so.
I do try to do things to overcome it…like wearing spandex at the gym w/ a regular size shirt. I know this sounds like something small….but I always make sure my tush is covered at the gym. Whether in a big t-shirt or or a sweatshirt wrapped around my waist…I try to hide it as much as possible from the old pervs at the gym.
Now everyone’s picturing LaLa’s tush. All the men in the room are thinking “I bet it’s awesome!”
SMH, that was not the point of the story Spradley! LOL!
I know, I’m sorry, it occurred to me that that might have been a little insensitive after I clicked “post comment” – my bad!
It’s a glorious ass!! You’ve got an amazing shape. I just wish that we could see ourselves through other’s eyes some times…we are our own harshest critics,
well, ourselves and bitter bishesmen are so much more lenient with usexcept for Dr. J and Tunde.Thanks hunny bunny!
It’s just that I started getting that kind of “attention” early on…and I wasn’t ready for it. Didn’t want it. And that’s something that carried over into my adult years. So while I’m growing in embracing the tush and alladat…sometimes I’m still wanna be like “It’s an a$$, get over it people!!!”
wait a minute. how did i get dragged into this? and i happen to like her a$$ so there *shrug*
*slides out of chair*
“you cant tie a sweater over that” lol!
LOL!
*squints eyes and waves fist @ Kema*
I used to feel the same why about my breasts. I developed early, and when you have janitors and male teachers at your middle school trying to look down your shirt, making crass comments, or looking at you suggestively, you instinctively want to hide. I understand… My best friend at the time had the big butt issue. And she hated it. I swear, its rough for growing girls in these streets.
Real talk, though, There will always be disgusting degenerates in the world. Don’t give them any more power than they deserve, don’t let them control how you feel about yourself. Eff them!. Embrace your a$$, love your a$$, and flaunt that sh*t (within reason. lol.)
Yup, you’re totally right! I’m glad someone understands where I’m coming from,lol
I don’t understand. I always thought having…shall we say “parts” would be a good thing for a female. I’m sure it has to have SOME benefits to it whether you are willing to admit it or not.
I’m not very self-conscious. If I’m self-conscious about anything it’s the fact that I’m not very tall. But, I kinda figured out I wasn’t gonna be a giant pretty early on in life so, I kinda just decided to be awesome regardless. It also helps that I’ve been so abundantly blessed in other areas (I’m mainly talking about intellect you pervs… but yea, I’m kinda talking about that too).
As far as sexuality, women, and self-consciousness, I totally feel you Max. It can definitely be a hindrance. I think Whitman said it best: “I will dismiss myself from impassive women, the woman I like knows and avows her sensuality” or something along those lines. There’s nothing better than being with a woman who, regardless of her appearance, knows that once the clothes come off, she’s the sexiest thing on earth.
Note to women: If you’re about to let a dude smash, but are not feeling too sexy at the moment, just pretend you really believe you are the sexiest thing since halle tatas in Swordfish… just role play… trust me, if the guy doesn’t play along, he’s probably gay.
The woman Whitman liked had a penis.
I am definitely self-conscious in public. I say that line to myself in my head regularly. I have also found that there are only two cures for it.. comfort and alcohol.
When I become more comfortable around people, I’m less in my head and more into the world. When I drink, I’m comfortable around strangers.
I hate it too, though. F’d up thing is that it’s a learned defense mechanism. Kids ain’t self-conscious.. not until somebody tells them what they did/said was stupid.
I think the only way to get past it is to learn to deal with haters without allowing them to penetrate your emotions.. and that takes practice.
“F’d up thing is that it’s a learned defense mechanism.”
Sadly so true instead of risking being teased for doing something different or looking ridiculous for the sake of fun most people just opt out of doing things. If you get teased once for something that is avoidable or see someone else get treated a certain way for actions you go as far in the other direction as possible. On the play ground its survival mentality but as an adult it’s a true burden.
“I’m pretty sure it has the all-time worst ROI of all emotions – the amount of time you spend worrying about what other people are thinking about you is probably about 9999999 times more than the amount of time those people are actually spending thinking about you.”
Truer words, Maxies, truer effing words…
Now, you know what’s a shame? The fact that I KNOW this (logic) and yet still obsess over the little things about my appearance (chick logic). Hell, I even say to myself “NO ONE NOTICES THIS SMALL WHITEHEAD ON YOUR FACE” and the ish doesn’t even work. *sigh*
I see that thing now.. Damn bro.. That thing is grotesque! Did you name it? I would name it Groteska..
Generally as you get older (and you are aging rather well,) the self consciousness becomes less and less a problem.
My family wants me to be more self-conscious… (Whatever)
Most women blow mines wen it comes to their self-consciousness… bananas
Good Post… Good Cause… Good Night
Naturally I am self-conscious about some physical attributes, but that has never stopped me from releasing my inhibitions in bed.
What has, however, is my insecurity over whether I’m making the right decision to be in that bed. I am highly insecure about my judgement of people, men in particular. I never used to be, but life experiences have changed that. I doubt I’m alone in that, either. Like someone said in the SBM comments, I can’t completely release that (not so) inner-freak until we’ve established a history and some trust.
Good point in sentence one. I’ve got my insecurities like everyone else…but once I’m naked and “fun” is evident? You can’t tell me that I’m not the hottest thing since sun shots. Adrenaline and lust are powerful drugs.
ugh “sun spots”
I am old school, so I commend your second guessing of bed-hopping.
Don’t be a bed frog.. Sorry, I think I ran out of clever just now..
i don’t know how to be self-conscious. i pretty much like everything about myself as if y’all didn’t already know. i wasn’t always this way though. it took a lot of practice and for that i’m proud of myself. #onmycockyish
Can’t hate on that.. I mean, I can.. But I won’t cuz nobody should
thank you for that
I used to be self-conscious about my body. Then, I made the decision to just f*ck it. Literally. Started hitting the gym, feeling better about myself, and just loving life. That was undergrad. Now, you can’t tell me nothing. I love myself. Hell, if you can’t like, if you can’t love your gahtdamb self, who else will.
And, yes, men are self-conscious. They just do a much better job of hiding it. Which is why some women think cocky men have big sacs. Not necessarily true, but he’s got you convinced and your clothes off, so when that itty bitty richard appears, its too late…
Sex isn’t the only area the self-conscious you appears. I remember thinking I wouldn’t measure up to the kids at Stanford when i visited during my junior year. Not only did I measure up, I surpassed. When starting a new job, I’m always a little self-conscious, right until I make my first presentation, or have to correct a superior. lol.
“I’m always a little self-conscious, right until I make my first presentation, or have to correct a superior. lol.”
That is so funny because I think for me I’m just afraid there is someone better than me and once I find that someone I’m better than self consciousness is gone. Sad but true: the shortcomings of others make me feel better about myself.
Bright side of it is that it’s not always my motivation to go out on that limb and enjoy life or things I find interesting.
I feel you. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t self-conscious because I soooo am. But not about dumb shit like pubes or stretch marks
lol @ pubes and stretch marks. Re: stretch marks, Katt Williams said it best.. “You were either big and got small, or you were small and got big. Either way, we f*cking…” lol.
dumb shit like pubes and stretch marks? i would love to embrace that attitude, but alas, that is not the case. God really should have been more generous with the airbrush feature. that is all.
Max I feel you girl…
I used to be self conscious about my little pouch below my navel no matter how many situps/cruches I did that pouch would never go away BUT it never stopped me from getting fully naked in front of anybody because at the end of the day MEN DON’T CARE ABOUT THAT MINOR ISH plus having a nice rack (36D) deflects all of that.
Now that I am in my early 30′s that shyte no longer bothers me, I’ve learned to embrace and love my little kanagaroo pouch along with the rest of my body which is pretty good if I may say so myself. #Don’tHateMeCuzI’mBeautiful!!! — Keri Hilson
who won’t get on top because they don’t know if they’re doing it right.
Well FML. I didn’t know there was a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to ride King Cocky, I just did what felt good to me naturally at that moment. *Shrug*
Action speaks louder than word!
Think twice before taking any step, one wrong step can end up leading to something very bad about which you might have not even thought of!
and remember “A mind that can’t create is a #waste” Chris to the Breezy
I used to be self conscious about my stretch marks.. I went to Jamaica one summer, gained 20 pounds and there they were.. i was wearing shorts on the beach all through high school.. it wasn’t until my 20′s when my then-boyfriend told me it reminded him of a ghetto booty (?) and he loved it..
now, there’s no t-shirt that is gonna cover this up.. yeah, I’m still conscious about it in public.. I sometimes forget that it grew.. I went to the Jay-Z concert and was passing by seats knocking beers out the cupholders (nobueno) but it is what it is..
I’m actually self conscious about my skin.. my skin isn’t clear and it is my greatest insecurity.. in my head, i think people still treat me like I’m young because my skin looks like a teenagers..
and since the face is just about the thing that people see first, it’s a h*ll of a thing to overcome.. and the funny thing, it’s not even as bad as it used to be.. but in my 30′s, I figure my skin/hormones is supposed to get that ish under control..
F.M.L.
I’m still self conscious now. I just had a baby 5 months ago and I still have 30 pounds to go. The sad part I was big before and loved the way I looked, then I lost the weight and I felt like some super model. Lol. I feel really uncomfortable being this big. But I know to go back to the weight I was before pregnancy I will have to work hard. I’m on that p90x. Love ur blog. Just started to read today.
I’m short, i’m not in impeccable condition anymore, and I have the feet of a slave. In the end, if I had a pocket full of f*cks, I couldn’t give you one.
I’m LESS self-conscious than in years gone by.
I used to get bullied about my appearance. So I grew up being hyper-aware when it came to that, and really sensitive. I hated my height for along time (I’m 5’9, can’t exactly hide or blend in) I’ve struggled with weight, I’m top heavy (which is a CURSE when you’re black) used to have skin problems… so I was always VERY self-aware and did everything I could to fade into the background.
I have this thing where i HATE dancing in public. Assuming people approaching me was a joke of some kind. Weird neurotic shit like that.
Then I realized how douche-y & self-centered it kinda is to be SO SELF-AWARE, because when you think people are staring at you and judging you, they’re probably just looking in your direction and zoned the fuck out because they’re tired.