Ah the pussy picture. First I told you not to do it. Then I ate my words. Now I am of the firm belief that the ability to take a hot coochie shot is an essential skill for the modern woman. Not just because it can move a man like few other non-contact acts can, but because there are few things that can make a woman feel sexier than taking a really hot shot.
Unfortunately, the pussy picture – which should just be a beautiful and mutually beneficial thing – has become an instrument through which men wield power over women. But that’s what men do – take something great that works for everyone and shit it up until they’re the only one getting something enjoyable out of it.
My homegirl Nick and I recently got into one of our marathon discussions on this very subject. After spending about an hour just straight up bitching, we eventually came to the conclusion that there’s a lot of stuff men just don’t get about receiving pussy shots. So allow us to school you on the rules, guidelines, and codes to obey when it comes to ladyflower photos so we can all learn to play dirty nicely together again.
1. It is WORK
I say: Pussy shots are WORK. We have to contort ourselves in unspeakable ways to get the stuff we want in the shot without including our faces the stuff we don’t want in there. The re-sizing, the cropping, just enough soft focus to make it hot but not so much to make it seem like a #swindle. True these men don’t know how we go all Gordon Parks on the shit. They don’t know!
Nick says: “I’m talking about positioning, lighting, the rest of the body, hair, make-up (if you’re brave enough to have your face in it) and let’s not forget background and scenery. It’s like “America’s Next Top Pussy” and I’m playing the role of every person at the photoshoot. It’s not easy. And if you don’t have access to photoshop, then BEST BELIEVE there’s gonna be a re-shoot. Depending on how tired you are at the end of the day, the re-shoot might get cancelled. Because honestly, we ain’t got that kinda time.”
2. I know your mother taught you about saying thank you
I say: You probably learned the etiquette of receiving way back in kindergarten. When someone gives you something, you can’t just sit there like a deaf-mute. If someone came up to you and handed you a million dollars, you’d at least say thank you right? Well think of a pussy shot as a million-dollar cheque. You’ve got to say something. Because short of waiting for those little lines to appear on a home pregnancy test, no period of time is more stressful in a woman’s life than the time in between when she sends the pussy shot and the time when you acknowledges receipt of said pussy pic.
Nick says: Really, this is not the time to be shy. You didn’t have a problem telling me you wanted a pic of my special place, then I’m gonna need you to speak (message, BBM Smiley face, SOMETHIN) and let me know that my cooter is not lost out there in cyberspace. Let me know that your phone didn’t malfunction. Send up a smoke signal, start a fire, SOMETHING that lets me know that I typed in the email address correctly.
3. Get excited!
I say: Look I love the cool collected man as much as the next girl, but when I deliver my womanhood to your inbox, I’m not mad if you get geeked about it. If your reaction is less than excited or – worse yet – you don’t react at all, not only are you going to hurt my feelings, but I’m considerably less enthused about sending you another one the next time I’m painting my nails.
Nick says: Don’t be mistaken, I can count on one hand how many men know what my birthmark looks like. However, I can say that the one that became a repeat client is the one that let me know how my pic made him feel. He sent me a voicemail and wrote me a text. When he hits me up every now and then (at random times) to let me know that he’s looking at it I feel a surge of… power. I (and every woman I’m writing this for) want to know that I’ve turned you on. I want to know what you would do to me if you were to get your hands on me JUST based off that pic. Not only that, but if your reaction is stellar, then odds are you won’t even have to ask for the next pic. It’ll be that nice present in your inbox to start your day. Then you can imagine yourself in my inbox. It’s a win-win.
3. Turnabout is fair play
Remember when you were a little kid in school and you didn’t want to play with that kid who hoarded all the toys and didn’t want to give you any? Same principle applies here. If you’re getting pussy shots and not sending peen pics in return you’d better have a really good reason for it (and I’m a selfish bastard is not a really good reason).
“Tell me who I have to be.. to get some reciprocity.” You don’t get ish for free. Now, after you’ve seen the promised land, a mysterious thing occurs. When the subject of a return shot is broached, all of a sudden, a dude forgets how to speak. There’s “umm” and “uhh” and excuses. All of a sudden, they have no camera and a bout of shyness. And if I do get a shot back, it involves ashy knees and socks. A messy room, and an old flower bedspread (a present from Aunt Sheila) shot hastily with one hand. If someone is feeling extra special, then the lighting is bad and the overhead lamp casts that nasty shade of yellow across the pic. What did you think? That your words were enough to make the mental picture sexually fulfilling? That’s a “negative” homie, now pay up.
And there you have it: a pussy photo etiquette guide.
But what do you guys think? Did you know there was etiquette involved in coochie correspondence? Men – are you remembering your manners when a lady blesses your inbox? Ladies – did I leave anything out? Speak on it in the comments.