P*ssy Pic Etiquette

courbet_pussy

Ah the pussy picture. First I told you not to do it.  Then I ate my words. Now I am of the firm belief that the ability to take a hot coochie shot is an essential skill for the modern woman. Not just because it can move a man like few other non-contact acts can, but because there are few things that can make a woman feel sexier than taking a really hot shot.

Unfortunately, the pussy picture – which should just be a beautiful and mutually beneficial thing – has become an instrument through which men wield power over women. But that’s what men do – take something great that works for everyone and shit it up until they’re the only one getting something enjoyable out of it.

My homegirl Nick and I recently got into one of our marathon discussions on this very subject. After spending about an hour just straight up bitching, we eventually came to the conclusion that there’s a lot of stuff men just don’t get about receiving pussy shots. So allow us to school you on the  rules, guidelines, and codes to obey when it comes to ladyflower photos so we can all learn to play dirty nicely together again.

1. It is WORK

I say: Pussy shots are WORK. We have to contort ourselves in unspeakable ways to get the stuff we want in the shot without including our faces the stuff we don’t want in there. The re-sizing, the cropping, just enough soft focus to make it hot but not so much to make it seem like a #swindle.  True these men don’t know how we go all Gordon Parks on the shit. They don’t know!

Nick says: “I’m talking about positioning, lighting, the rest of the body, hair, make-up (if you’re brave enough to have your face in it) and let’s not forget background and scenery. It’s like “America’s Next Top Pussy” and I’m playing the role of every person at the photoshoot. It’s not easy. And if you don’t have access to photoshop, then BEST BELIEVE there’s gonna be a re-shoot. Depending on how tired you are at the end of the day, the re-shoot might get cancelled. Because honestly, we ain’t got that kinda time.”

2. I know your mother taught you about saying thank you

I say: You probably learned the etiquette of receiving way back in kindergarten. When someone gives you something, you can’t just sit there like a deaf-mute. If someone came up to you and handed you a million dollars, you’d at least say thank you right? Well think of a pussy shot as a million-dollar cheque. You’ve got to say something. Because short of waiting for those little lines to appear on a home pregnancy test, no period of time is more stressful in a woman’s life than the time in between when she sends the pussy shot and the time when you acknowledges receipt of said pussy pic.

Nick says: Really, this is not the time to be shy. You didn’t have a problem telling me you wanted a pic of my special place, then I’m gonna need you to speak (message, BBM Smiley face, SOMETHIN) and let me know that my cooter is not lost out there in cyberspace. Let me know that your phone didn’t malfunction. Send up a smoke signal, start a fire, SOMETHING that lets me know that I typed in the email address correctly.

3. Get excited!

I say: Look I love the cool collected man as much as the next girl, but when I deliver my womanhood to your inbox, I’m not mad if you get geeked about it. If your reaction is less than excited or – worse yet – you don’t react at all, not only are you going to hurt my feelings, but I’m considerably less enthused about sending you another one the next time I’m painting my nails.

Nick says: Don’t be mistaken, I can count on one hand how many men know what my birthmark looks like. However, I can say that the one that became a repeat client is the one that let me know how my pic made him feel. He sent me a voicemail and wrote me a text. When he hits me up every now and then (at random times) to let me know that he’s looking at it I feel a surge of… power.  I (and every woman I’m writing this for) want to know that I’ve turned you on. I want to know what you would do to me if you were to get your hands on me JUST based off that pic. Not only that, but if your reaction is stellar, then odds are you won’t even have to ask for the next pic. It’ll be that nice present in your inbox to start your day. Then you can imagine yourself in my inbox. It’s a win-win.

3. Turnabout is fair play

Remember when you were a little kid in school and you didn’t want to play with that kid who hoarded all the toys and didn’t want to give you any? Same principle applies here. If you’re getting pussy shots and not sending peen pics in return you’d better have a really good reason for it (and I’m a selfish bastard is not a really good reason).

“Tell me who I have to be.. to get some reciprocity.” You don’t get ish for free. Now, after you’ve seen the promised land, a mysterious thing occurs. When the subject of a return shot is broached, all of a sudden, a dude forgets how to speak. There’s “umm” and “uhh” and excuses. All of a sudden, they have no camera and a bout of shyness. And if I do get a shot back, it involves ashy knees and socks. A messy room, and an old flower bedspread (a present from Aunt Sheila) shot hastily with one hand. If someone is feeling extra special, then the lighting is bad and the overhead lamp casts that nasty shade of yellow across the pic. What did you think? That your words were enough to make the mental picture sexually fulfilling? That’s a “negative” homie, now pay up.

And there you have it: a pussy photo etiquette guide.

But what do you guys think? Did you know there was etiquette involved in coochie correspondence? Men – are you remembering your manners when a lady blesses your inbox? Ladies – did I leave anything out? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 83

  1. meka says:

    Y’all aint never lied (yeah I took it back) about how much work goes into a good coochie shot. It took me an hour of posing (with & without props) to get two good pics. And then I had to retouch with Picasa to give Afrodite that star quality. Lol.

    So glad to know that I’m not the only one retouching coochie pics.

    1. Nick@Nite says:

      Afrodite?!?! CLASSIC!! One of the best names i’ve heard so far!! alright.. Back to bed…

  2. good post son.

    i love receiving pussy pics. i would think this etiquette was commonplace but i guess not. i used to not send dick pics but now i don’t see the problem with it at all. just don’t include my face or any identifiable markings (tats, brands).

  3. keisha brown says:

    It’s like “America’s Next Top Pussy” and I’m playing the role of every person at the photoshoot.

    goodnight ladies and gentlemen.
    LMAOOOOO!!!!!!

    i got nuthin to add but co-signs all day. everyday.
    matta of fact..imma send this to every dude that has ever/recently requested a picture of my pink friday jusss now.

    1. meka says:

      Hey Tellie Mae! Why I gotta e-stalk you? ;)

  4. Blackbuttafly says:

    I’m not a fan of pussy pics. I don’t think they are sexy at all, but I understand the appeal. My pussy has grey hairs LOL

    My guys tend to get pics of me standing suggestively in the mirror butt ass nekkid or ass up in the air. I dont like straight dick pics, but if you send me a pic of a stiff one in boxers or shorts….yea…you get the wet, grey haired pussy shits…lol

    1. Blackbuttafly says:

      Damn auto correction…grey haired pussy shots

      1. max says:

        If your pussy has grey hairs just get a Brazilian and take a picture of that!

        1. emti says:

          I think fear of one day finding a grey hair motivated me to the brazilian

          1. max says:

            I’ve already found more than I care to admit. Maybe that’s why I’ve suddenly embraced hairlessness :-/

            1. emti says:

              lol
              now i’ll never know if i got one…fear certainly makes for a very groomed nether region

        2. Blackbuttafly says:

          Nahhh. I don’t like bare pussy. Plus, I’m waaaay too busy to keep it up when there’s no one to appreciate it. Lol

    2. if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?

      1. Blackbuttafly says:

        Don’t mind….33

    3. Sam Sharpe says:

      “My guys tend to get pics of me standing suggestively in the mirror butt ass nekkid or ass up in the air”

      See, this right here, caused my, uhm, temperature, yeah that’s it, my temperature to rise…..y’all gotta be careful what kind of stuff you’re talking on the internets.

      I’m at work goddamn it! Now I’m going to be spending the whole day with crazy visuals in my head.

      I love women.

      1. “My guys tend to get pics of me standing suggestively in the mirror butt ass nekkid or ass up in the air”

        for the record those types of pics are wins in my book.

        1. Blackbuttafly says:

          *twerks nipples @ both of you* lol

    4. Starita34 says:

      THIS!! “I dont like straight dick pics, but if you send me a pic of a stiff one in boxers or shorts….yea…” Preferred any day over a straight XXX shot. I like the tease…God I love seeing it get all engorged through his pants, especially sweats…

      And brothers, PLEASE take your socks off!

      1. ChloeRayne516 says:

        Hmmmmmm

        I dunno about this. It all depends on how pretty the peen is from jump (no extra veins, lumps, stumble YES stumble on the rod itself, length and its current state) a beautiful long straight or even a little bent hard peen is always a good look in my book.

        1. ChloeRayne516 says:

          I forgot to mention SMOOTH..

        2. Starita34 says:

          Oh I love to look at peen…IN PERSON, where I can touch, and taste, and manipulate (and I love some well placed veins, what you talkin bout! Mmmm)…but just a pic of a peen? I mean, it’s cool and all, I’m not saying no if I like the dude or EVER deleting it, like EVER but I’d just prefer the dick bulging through the shorts or hand covering the naughty bits…I don’t know, I just like the tease…

          And so many guys are just TOO eager to send their joystick pics…make me wait, make me want it…my response shouldn’t be “yeah, whatever, I’m not going to say no” when you ask if I wanna see. IF you even ask! Some of these dudes that’s how they say hello! Goodbye.

          1. Yoles says:

            Co-sign on the veins… makes it look like its all bulked up and struggling to break through or something…

            i happen to like the straight dick shots especially the ones with a little cum draining down the shaft etc…

            1. Starita34 says:

              “especially the ones with a little cum draining down the shaft”

              http://bit.ly/hXcNAA
              Please stop, you’re making me so very hungry…

            2. ChloeRayne516 says:

              “happen to like the straight dick shots especially the ones with a little cum draining down the shaft etc…”

              WoWwwwww…

              *BowsOut*

          2. ChloeRayne516 says:

            And so many guys are just TOO eager to send their joystick pics…make me wait, make me want it

            YOU AIN’T NEVA LIED!!!!

            I totally feel you on this, I’ve gotten some pics (w/ no warning signs) of peen to my bb and was heated to the point I texted ole boy stating my discontent with his forwardness to have him apologize afterwards saying “I thought maybe you wanted to see what i was working with just in case we ever got to that point” *RaisedEyebrow*

            my response.. ”

            Is that right” *deletes number out of my contact list* “Ninja You need a congregation”

            1. Starita34 says:

              I had a guy send me one at work. I had to plum curse this man out. I will be damned if I get fired taking a peek at your unsolicited peen! He got his feelings hurt, but c’mon now…warn a sister! I’d be happy to look at home and I did

      2. max says:

        “And brothers, PLEASE take your socks off!’

        Tell.them.AGAIN!

  5. I’m gonna go against the grain here and admit, I do not like ladyflower pictures. Just not my thing at all. I love the female form as a whole but p*ssy pics, when not framed in by the rest of a woman’s body offend my general sense of beauty, attractiveness and decency in an anatomical sort of way. The same way I don’t imagine that my manhood would be attractive to a woman were I to take a picture of it in it’s fresh out of the shower flaccid form without including any other part of my body, for me, seeing your vag up close and personal without much of the rest of you isn’t very sexy either. I think my taste is a little more Newton than Mapplethorpe. Maybe it’s just me though.

    1. i can see how you might feel that way. not every vagina is meant to be captured digitally.some are better looking than others so naturally some are more photogenic. loose lips sink ships. literally.

      1. Sam Sharpe says:

        “loose lips sink ships. literally”. LOL.

        1. ChloeRayne516 says:

          Flapping in the wind… *lmaooooooooo*

      2. LaLaBakir says:

        i. hate. you.

        LMAO

    2. max says:

      you don’t like p*ssy pics because you’ve never seen one of mine

    3. OSHH says:

      I see what you are saying and from a woman’s point of view as far as viewing men ITA..its kinda like that shot of Santonio Homles naked floating around on these nets. his whole body was in the shot and he wasn’t even fully erect, yet that was a very sexy shot I must say.

      I don’t do cat shots myself.

  6. Sam Sharpe says:

    “All of a sudden, they have no camera and a bout of shyness. And if I do get a shot back, it involves ashy knees and socks”

    Hilarious. I almost choked on my bran muffin when I read that….

    …Not a huge fan of the p***y pic. I’m not going to turn it down, but I’m not begging for it either…..

    …As for reciprocity, I used to be 100% against this kind of move, but I think I’m beginning to see the allure.

    1. Starita34 says:

      I knew I’d wear you down…I’ll be expecting those pics by 5…

  7. melissa says:

    i have never photoshopped a pic. if you’re flower ain’t up to snuff, there’s not much photoshop can do to improve it. and since i get lasered (as you all know by now), i’m pretty much camera ready all the time. don’t have to worry about taming any jungles down there…cuz there isn’t one. :P

    1. wait so laser treatment as in no hair grows there ever?

      1. emti says:

        ever ever?

    2. max says:

      “if your flower ain’t up to snuff, there’s not much photoshop can do to improve it’.

      I respectfully disagree.

      For starters, I’m a firm believer in re-sizing. A hot pussy shot becomes decidedly less so when it’s magnified to 999999 times the actual size of your snatch.
      Second, I’m all about cropping out distracting background images. I’ve been on the receiving end of pics with stacks of toilet paper in visible and it’s not sexy at all.
      Third, sometimes a gal needs a touch of soft focus. That’s just how life goes.

  8. Melissa says:

    (I dunno how to reply to comments from my phone)

    @madscientist – yes, pretty much. It’s as permanent as you can get.

    @max – I dunno how other ppl take their shots but if/when I do, it’s of the flower and that’s it. Maybe my fingers. There is no background. Taken with my phone sent to a phone, so the size is relatively small. So while you can improve on the setting, the flower is gonna look relatively same. And I’d want it to. I would hate if the pic made it look glorious but in real life it looks mangled. Haha. Not saying yours would, but I know what I mean. :p

    (FYI i never call it my flower…I don’t know why I started now. Hahhaa)

    1. interesting. without fear of trying to get too much into your “business”, someone who does laser takes everything off or leaves a little grass on the pasture?

  9. Dewan says:

    There’s no etiquette necessary for me, just be aware that the pic could be forwarded to friends unless we’re in a relationship, or headed that way. I know it’s a terrible violation of privacy and probably illegal in many states/countries. But shit…we get so giddy we can’t help ourselves.

    Oh yeah, one more thing. Women are going too far with waxing, etc. Leave some fur. Just line that shit up. Nothing worse than a bald cooch woman wearing cotton panties that came in a five pack set, shrink-wrapped in plastic. I want a woman, not a prepubescent child. Pussies are meant to have fur (and a natural fragrance). Let them be, please.

    1. max says:

      I think you’ll find that an aversion to bald pussy is not a popular point of view around these parts. But I hear what you’re saying.

      1. Dewan says:

        Yep, my friends give me shit about it too. I just don’t get the bald monkey fascination…

    2. Sam Sharpe says:

      Amen brother amen. I want some hair. I want some bush. The p***y is not a bobsled, this is not the luge, aerodynamics do not count. Give. Me. Bush.

      1. max says:

        Ah Sam Sharpe I still e-adore you for your ‘bring back the bush’ campaign even though I have defected from team bush.

    3. Blackbuttafly says:

      Yaaaay bush!

  10. Melissa says:

    @madscientist I know girls who do both. Most I know take it all off because why go through the treatments and touch up an still have to maintain the patch? With the kind of money and time invested in lasering, it kind of defeats the purpose. But I do know others who “don’t want to look like a child” and leave the patch.

    It does grow back if you don’t keep it up but wven if it does its very fine. The hair is much softer.

    And for the record, ive never had or heard of anyone whos seen a bare one and said, “whoa…you’re like a kid. No thanks.”

    1. “whoa…you’re like a kid. No thanks.”

      i don’t know of any man that would say that. dudes be talking but no hair ain’t gonna stop them from burying their face into some cooch.

      1. Yoles says:

        i actually find that hair free toto is a lot more “face friendly”

    2. emti says:

      And for the record, ive never had or heard of anyone who’s seen a bare one and said, “whoa…you’re like a kid. No thanks.”

      *slow clap*

  11. breezebayou says:

    Hahahaha I’m with Blackbuttafly on this one! Yeah those pesky lil grey hairs can
    Be a problem and a little bit of a deterent. And plucking them, all for the sakes of a pic ummm *ouch*

    You have to be some type of special for that!

    But nonetheless… hilarious post…and never include ur face rule is rule #1..unless you’re trying to launch a music or movie career. *kanyashrug*

  12. ChloeRayne516 says:

    Aahhhh. the box shots.

    I am on the fence with this still, even though I have sent ONE pic back in 2010 and I made him swear before gawd that he wouldn’t show it, but then again he is a grown ass man in his mid thirties and he was quick to reciprocate with a couple of pics of his schlong. *ShyFace*

    i am very picky as to who gets a kitty collage and I don’t do open lips shot either, I mean really, is it that serious that you need to see the birth canal?? O__O

    I agree that all kittys AREN’T PURRTY, some should not be seen on camera or in daylight. *Shrug*

    That pic is hilarious!!!!!

  13. streetztalk says:

    lol at this post.

    P Pics are cool, i fit looks right. an unsavory lady flower is nasty to look @

    1. Batwings! Batwings! Batwings! The batwings!

      Ok. bye.

  14. LaLaBakir says:

    Eh, I think I’ve only sent one pic of the love below…and that was damn near 6 years ago. I don’t think peens and poodies look particulary well in photos (generally speaking of course) and would take to much effort.

    Even if I didn’t show my face,I have a tattoo in that region. And if the angle isn’t right, it’s damn sure gonna be in the picture.

    1. a tattoo you say? how close to that region are we talking?

      1. LaLaBakir says:

        Fairly close…at least i think so

    2. Yoles says:

      @ LaLaBakir

      there are some peen pics that are WORKS OF ART… angle, moisture, & lightening all done to perfection…

      I feel like I shouldn’t have to say but i will… of course a peen should be FULLY erect and moisturized before any pics are taken…

      1. Starita34 says:

        You should have to, but you do need to… #PreciateYa

        Although Kanye wasn’t at full salute and I dug his shot, but like I’ve said ad naseum, I like the tease, the half cut out, the can’t see it all…I just dug his pic.

        But yes, in general we want him at full mast and clean balls…lint and ash are for church.

        1. “lint and ash are for church”

          one way ticket to hell. lol

  15. N.I.A. naturally says:

    The last time I sent a coochie pic, I was still in undergrad. Junior, I think. I think my kitty is gorgeous, but I don’t like sending her through text/gchat. I prefer the boob pic, just because it’s easier to take, and I have a great rack. I haven’t sent one in a wihle though. Maybe I’ll do that tonight after work, gym, and shower. hmm…
    Good post, max.

    1. LaLaBakir says:

      I love my boobies too. I think you can’t go wrong w/ the boobies. As long as you don’t have that Third World Country chest popping off…you should be good to go.

      1. Starita34 says:

        *thud* I just died. I’m dead. You’re being contacted from another world. LaLa! To the corner!

        1. LaLaBakir says:

          LMAO!!

          *hangs head and goes to nearest corner*

    2. chest shots are always a good look as well.

    3. max says:

      I’m not the hugest fan of titty pics. Outside of the piercing I don’t think mine are anywhere near as epic to look at as the kittykat.

      1. you said outside of the piercings like that wouldn’t be picture worthy in itself. smh

      2. emti says:

        BOOBIE PICS FOR THE WIN!!!!

        (i love my boobies)

        1. max says:

          See girls like you and Star have epic titties so you should be all about the boobie pics.

      3. Sam Sharpe says:

        Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?

  16. ChloeRayne516 says:

    “Nothing worse than a bald cooch woman wearing cotton panties that came in a five pack set, shrink-wrapped in plastic”

    This. Right. Here. ^^^^^ is the problem!!! I’m sorry. I don’t buy cotton panties in bulk packaging of any kind that’s what my momma wears therefore I CAN’T!!! *justsayin* I buy either vickies or gapbody and they have come along way (lycra, prints, designs, lace, etc.)

    #LetMeUpgradeU

  17. Starita34 says:

    Ya’ll is some rude mofos for not giving props for the ri-gat-damn-diculous photo that Max picked today! That ish is…well it’s just…comedy.

    Sooo…yeah, never even taken a coochie shot much less sent one via technology. Just sent my first boob shots last week. Gotta say, it was fun and liberating…after it got done being terrifying and time consuming. I took like 250 pics to get like 20 good ones. You really need a photog friend for times such as these…although once I figured out that setting my camera in front of a mirror so I could see the display and using the auto timer that takes pic after pic automatically so that I could get my hands involved in the fun, it was much easier and nastier.

    But still, those pics went to a loooooong time ex that I trust implicitly and he’s been supplying peen pics and videos to me for a long time, I was way past due. I can’t be broadcasting the ladies round the net but I did send two to a girlfriend, hopefully she doesn’t share, but if she does, she does I guess, they’re nothing to be ashamed of :-) .

    #2 and the first #3 should be in the Bible somewhere…it’s just common courtesy.

    1. Sam Sharpe says:

      So, how come my mailbox is empty?

      1. Starita34 says:

        My betrothed, your time is coming…

  18. PREACH!
    Max, I love you for this post.

  19. “Because short of waiting for those little lines to appear on a home pregnancy test, no period of time is more stressful in a woman’s life than the time in between when she sends the pussy shot and the time when you acknowledges receipt of said pussy pic.”

    ROFLAMO!

  20. comment-21 says:

    It’s really a great and helpful piece of information.
    I am satisfied that you just shared this helpful info with us.

    Please keep us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.

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