The men were calling bullshit on my point of view so last night I decided to put my pussy where my mouth is (wait – that didn’t work, did it?) and offer gratuitous and immediate sex to 5 men to see whether I am wrong. The results of my experiment were surprising. But before I get into them, let me review the parameters I set for this experiment.
-All of the men had to live in Toronto
-None of them could be in a relationship as far as I knew
-They all had to be straight and none of them could be virgins
-They had to be men that were unlikely to have read yesterday’s post (can’t have anyone fucking me just to prove a point)
-Of the five men I chose, two of them were men I’ve already slept with (and therefore are well aware of how good the good-good is). The remaining three had to be men who had at least displayed some type of vibes in the past.
I sent all 5 men the exact same text message – “My pussy’s looking for a playdate …why don’t you come over tonight?” – at the exact same time (7:30pm)
Let me take a moment to introduce you to the players in this little experiment:
1. Codename: Birdie
Backstory: I’ve known him a long time but we’re not close at all. We have a lot of mutual friends and run into each other often. The last time I saw him he scratched my palm, which apparently is code for “I want to fuck you”. Well here’s his big chance.
2. Codename: Giant
Backstory: Dated him briefly a year or so ago. It was one of those things where it’s not bad enough to stop it but not good enough to put real work in. He was busy, I was busy, things just fizzled out but we still chat occasionally and have those “we should hook up again some time” conversations. Will tonight be the night?
3. Codename: Little Man
Backstory: We’re cool, but not friends. We’ve hung out a lot in groups and flirted with one another but neither of us has ever made any real attempt to take it further. Until today.
5. Codename: Baboon
Backstory: We’ve known each other for a really long time. He’s younger than I by about 8 years or so and I kind of always got the impression he was digging me but I didn’t know for sure. I guess we’re about to find out.
4. Codename: Shaolin (I soooo wish I could explain to you guys the thought process behind these codenames. It is so random)
Backstory: We’re somewhere between friendly acquaintances and actual friends. We dig each other a lot but we’re not that close. We’ve had an on-again off-again fwb thing going in the past. Will it start up again tonight?
So I sent the text at 7:30 and sat back to write. 7:34 pm the first response comes:
Giant: While this offer is very appealing, I’m afraid I have to ask who is this?
Me: It’s Max!
Giant: Oh hey. Sorry I just got a new phone and all my contacts were wiped (sidebar: I do not understand how this happens to people. Do you not back up your shit?!?)
Me: Hahahaha it’s just me not one of your crazy stalkers, fret not. Now that you know this are you coming over to play with me?
Giant: I would really like to but I don’t think I can do it tonight. I’m out in Mississauga at my parent’s house and I doubt I’d make it out your way at any reasonable time. Raincheck?
Alright. One down, four to go.
7:42pm the next response comes.
Baboon: Nice try Max. I read your stupid post today.
Max: That doesn’t mean you can’t come over and play with me.
Baboon if you’re reading this you’re fucking rude.
The Little Man piped up next:
Little Man: Who the fuck is this?
Max: It’s Max!
Little Man: Yeah right. Max would never send a message like this. Who are you and what are you doing with her phone?
Max: It’s me! I swear! I just decided to grow some stones for the new year!
Little Man: It’s about fucking time. But I can’t tonight I have a ball game. Tomorrow?
Max: Tomorrow is too late!
Little Man: Too late for what??
I am officially bored with this conversation and don’t respond.
I’m feeling myself at this point because I’m 0 for 3….victory is within my sight! But at 8:29 Codename Shaolin throws a wrench in my plans.
Shaolin: I’ve been waiting for you to send me a message like this for years
Max: I’ve never had to send you a message like this, you’re usually good to go.
Shaolin: True. But it’s nice to be on the receiving end once in a while.
Max: You know my policy – the boy has to ask the girl to dance
Shaolin: I know I know. Are you ever going to grow out of this?
Max: I might…if you reward me for my efforts tonight and come through
Shaolin: I’m way the fuck out in Pickering right now…what time you going to bed?
Shaolin: That’s late for you
Max: I’ve got some stuff to do. Plus I’m willing to be tired tonight if it’s for a good reason 😉
Shaolin: Okay I’ll hit you up when I’m on my way back downtown….probably around 10:30 or so.
At this point I’m getting a little nervous. Can I really be wrong? Plus I still haven’t heard from Birdie. He might tip the scale in the men’s favour.
From about 9 o’clock til 11 o’clock my phone was dead quiet. Shaolin hasn’t hit me up to tell me he’s on his way and Birdie hasn’t responded to me at all. But just in case Shaolin decides to come through I do some tidying and freshening up.
11:07pm I get another text.
Shaolin: So sorry. Got tied up here. Leaving out soon though. You still up?
Max: I’m up. Just text me when you’re on your way.
It’s 11:59pm and I’ve not heard anything. But Shaolin is notorious for being late so it’s entirely possible he still has every intention of coming through. I would like to declare myself the victor if he doesn’t hit me up before I go to sleep, but in the interest of fairness I’m giving him until I wake up tomorrow morning to materialize. I’ll update you later this morning and let you know how it ended.
So I went to sleep around 12:15 with my phone right next to me on my pillow to increase the chances that I’d hear the alert if I got a text. My gchat is ablaze with “are you fucking right now?” messages to which I do not respond.
At 5:30am I am startled by the sound of Raekwon’s Kiss The Ring blasting my eardrum open. I grope blindly for the phone, shut off the alarm and check my email – first thing I do every morning. It’s the usual mishmash of blog traffic reports, notifications of all your comments and mailing lists. I close it and stumble to the kitchen for water. As I’m shaking the bottle to dissolve my Crystal Light something is niggling me. I feel like I’m forgetting something but I have no idea what. I sit at my computer, see my blog open and it becomes clear: Shaolin was supposed to come over! Did he text me and I missed it or did he flop the show?
I find him in my list of text messages and open the conversation. Last message there is last night’s “cool”. I am suddenly overcome with fury…I can’t believe this motherfucker blew me off! But then it dawns on me….I was right! I WAS RIGHT!
So tell me, is anyone surprised by this outcome? Men what do you have to say now? I know you’re not going to give in despite the irrefutable evidence so let’s hear it.