This is one of my favourite posts that only got one comment when I initially posted it and it was from a dude I was dating so that doesn't even count. I thought it might be fun to bring it back.
I spent my first two years in Toronto involved in a ridiculous relationship with a complete asshole. I’m sorry for speaking ill of the dead to me, but really those who know me know that this guy was just…no good. When I go back now and read my diaries from that time I’m shocked by how heinously this guy treated me and the worst part about it is that I can’t even ask myself why I let it happen because I already know the reason. I let all that shit happen because I understood this dude. I knew how he was raised, how the world had treated him, what he had been through, and how all of that contributed to him becoming the selfish asshole he was at that time (and likely still is).
Because I understood so much about this man, I could understand why he did the shit he did. Not to over-simplify, but it was almost as though he couldn’t help it – no, it was more like he truly did not know better. And because at that time I was not the mouthy bitch you now know and love, I never really tried to explain to him what was wrong with what he did, I just understood and took it and took it until I could take it no more.
As a chronic over-thinker, I spend a lot of time examining the motivation behind the actions of the people around me. And as a classic Libra, I find myself a little too capable of seeing both sides. This is a great quality in a humanitarian or a diplomat, but for a serial dater it can be a bit of a problem. Why, you ask? Because it’s difficult to drum up the appropriate level of righteous indignation when someone does you wrong if you can understand exactly why they did it. This is a quality I used to really enjoy, but as I get older (and more bitter?) I find it mildly maddening. In my twenties I had patience and sympathy for people, in my thirties I say, eff a who shot john.
The who shot john is the back-story…the rhetoric and bullshit that explain why your new guy isn’t calling, your bff isn’t being supportive, your boyfriend won’t go down. I could have called this post “do feelings trump behaviour” because that’s really the crux of this issue…if your wo/man does something wrong to you, but you know they care for you and you understand why s/he did it, does that make it okay?
In the past, the who shot john could excuse a multitude of sins for me, but now I’m starting to wonder if it matters at all. Yes, I can certainly understand a man who is too busy and too stressed to pick up the phone and call me, or a man who is too gun-shy to claim me as his girl. I can understand a recently-heartbroken friend who finds it difficult to be enthusiastic about my new dude and I can understand a boyfriend who has been socialized to think that oral sex is nasty. But where does all that understanding really get me?
At this point, I think I’m tired of understanding people. I’m tired of giving them leeway because of my insight into their neuroses. At the end of the day, people either choose to let their hang-ups get the better of them or they don’t. So behaviour is really what’s important to me. If john is lying bleeding on the floor in front of me, does it really matter who shot him?
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My baby is growing up. Tear…
You tell him baby. We are all the some of our social, cultural, religious, bias, beliefs and personal experiences. We can all be tought, some quicker than others. The tricky part is unlearning or erasing some of the truely damaging bullshit that we take in and accept to be true before we are able to determine for ourself if that belief is valid.
That said, just because I understand why you do the dumb shit that you do doesn't mean I have to accept it. So when I don't. You'll just have to understand.
I wanna do some research on the phrase “Who Shot John?” b/c we use it to express something totally different. Ex. “You better not leave the house looking like who shot john!” meaning, you better not go out looking down right crazy and inappropriate.
Annnnnywho…I totally feel you on this one. I’m one of the most understanding people out here. I easily empathize w/ others…it’s a gift and a curse. Sometimes people benefit from your understanding. Other times, people just don’t give a what. They’re going to continue to behave and do sh*t like they normaly do. Understanding a former beau got me three years of heartache. I can’t. There’s a balance between being understanding and knowing when an individual isn’t worth it.
As you said, all that understanding can really get you nowhere.
Great post Max!
You can understand a man or woman to the point where you can walk in their shoes. There was a movie I once watched called Closer and one of my favorite lines was:
Alice: You still fancy me?
Dan: …Of course.
Alice: You’re lying. I’ve been you.
That means that she totally understood him, but that didn’t justify his actions. I think I threw the remote and screamed when she said that. I love that movie so much.
But people have ish with them and people have issues. You are not obligated to put up with or deal with their ish or issues unless you so choose to. Max the crappy bf, I think it’s the nuturing side of women and their innate need to “fix” men that makes them put up with more than they should. Once you stop you never will again.
Closer is one of my favourite movies ever (“Now fuck off and die you fucked up slag” is my shit!) so you win for referencing it today.
My second favorite line! THANK YOU MAX! I’m glad that I won the prize!
I suppose there are some things women should understand about men: our fear of settling down, our pride and ego, and our constant need to pursue something or someone “different.” Not better in any way–just different and new.
But to understand how a man is “socialized to think that oral sex is nasty”…I don’t know about that one. Speaking as a man (obviously), don’t put up with that shit! There are MANY others who will gladly oblige:)
When you understand a situation you are no longer in the funnel of the 5 W’s and how but at the doors of accept and deny. Being understanding does not mean that you accept a person’s actions or feelings as correct or right for you. Understanding is just that you see their side. Seeing their side does not necessarily change your stance. It may change how you address the situation but it should not stop you from addressing it. the only leeway a person gets when youunderstand them is in how present your side.
What makes life hard for understanding people is that alot of time we hope and expect others to be just as understanding as we are and when they aren’t our feelings are hurt. To avoid that assist in ensuring that both parties understand both sides of the situation and make a decision together.
“Yeah who shot john and all that but let me tell you about the lady who almost had a cow lets either build a house or move.”
In English: I understand why you did that but this is how it made me feel. Can and will you change or should we no longer deal in this type of mater together.
Understanding gets you know where if you are the only one who understands.
Its like known unknows………
Yes, yes, YES! Thanks for the re-post, that’s exactly where I’m at – I understand how rough life’s been, I understand how rough life is… but that’s no excuse for taking it out on me, whether by neglect or by abuse (of course, neglect is just a “milder” form of that, isn’t it?). I don’t do resolutions, but my COMMITMENT to myself this year is to honour my SELF; if that means sayin’ b’bye to some folks (which I’m already doing), then so be it.
What it comes down to? I UNDERSTAND that you’re going through; I’m just not WILLING to ALLOW you to take your “go-through” out on me. Not ne’r more.
Good one, Max!
“As a chronic over-thinker, I spend a lot of time examining the motivation behind the actions of the people around me. And as a classic Libra, I find myself a little too capable of seeing both sides. This is a great quality in a humanitarian or a diplomat, but for a serial dater it can be a bit of a problem. Why, you ask? Because it’s difficult to drum up the appropriate level of righteous indignation when someone does you wrong if you can understand exactly why they did it. This is a quality I used to really enjoy, but as I get older (and more bitter?) I find it mildly maddening. In my twenties I had patience and sympathy for people, in my thirties I say, eff a who shot john.”
Wow, minus not being a Libra this described me to a T. As I approach 28 in a few weeks I have definitely started to have the “eff a who shot john” attitude. My ex used to praise me for the being understanding woman he had ever been with all the while using it as an excuse to remain the same self-centered he had always been. It took me a long while, but I finally let him go no longer allowing my feelings to trump my better judgment and we remain friends till this day.