Wedding Roasts (A Guest Post by @superblackgirl)

giving toast

Today we have a guest appearance from my lovely and talented little sis @superblackgirl. Show her lots of love in the comments and check out her most hiliarous but hasn’t been updated since Jesus was a wee boy blog.

I love weddings.  This statement alone should alert you that a) this is not Max, and b)this will not be a typical max-logic post.  If you are a romantic, keep reading.  If you prefer sex-antics, catch the next Nasty Friday.

As I was saying:  I love weddings.  Aside from the preparation drama – deciding who to bring, figuring out what to wear, wondering how he/she managed to find someone before you did – going to a wedding promises laughing, crying, dancing and eating.  Yes, these are all things I do on a daily basis, but in my robe not in formal attire.

Of all the things I love about weddings, one of my favourite traditions is the wedding speech (incidentally, this is Max’s least favourite part).  They can be really touching or a total train wreck and either way, it’s good entertainment.  Best moment:  When the father of the bride says to the groom, “Welcome to the family, son.” Worst moment:  Family members who make lewd jokes about the wedding night.  Dude, that’s your niece.

But one tradition that seems to be sweeping the nation, ruining my beloved speeches, is people giving “advice” to the happy couple to get them to kiss.  Don’t get me wrong – I am totally behind anything that puts a stop to the irritating glass clinking tradition.  But my back goes up when married men offer the groom advice like this:

“Just learn how to say ‘Yes’ and ‘I’m sorry.’”
“Remember that your wife is always right and you’ll have a happy marriage.”

While the bride is getting this gem:

“All you have to do to keep your husband happy is cook.  And serve him naked.”

So if I understand correctly, married men must learn to figuratively swallow their balls while women must literally swallow them.  The sentiment is almost as charming as my description. I don’t know what incenses me more; the idea that women are these insufferable control freaks who turn their husbands into yes-men, or the popular lore that men require nothing more than a meal and a screw.  I haven’t been married, but I have been in a very long live-in relationship and men let me tell you – you’re not easy.
Let me outline a few scenarios:

Scenario A
One person has a day off; the other is working.  What a woman does: Hit the alarm before the second ring.  Tiptoe around in the dark searching for clothes, creep into the bathroom, shutting the door before she turns on the light.  What a man does: Whatever he wants, loudly.

Scenario B
Man is watching one of his shows on television (likely sports).  Even if she’s not a sports fan, woman will sit with him, cheering for his team in solidarity, faking enthusiasm at various plays she doesn’t understand.  Now, woman wants to watch her show (likely Gossip Girl).  Man scoffs, jeers, snorts, and says, “What are you, fourteen years old?”

I imagine at this point the men – if there are in fact any men who have made it this far into the post – are thinking of their own scenarios.  I encourage you to speak on it in the comments.  In the meantime, I will say this:  I think women are getting a bad rap when it comes to marriage.  There is no male equivalent to “ball-and-chain,” as far as I know.  Or maybe that’s why “I’m with Stupid” shirts were invented.

Regardless, it’s not for me to say if it’s easier to be a wife or a husband (read: yeah, I’m single).  But I do have one simple request:  Strive to offer marital advice that does more than reduce a married woman to a household/sex slave and a married man to a eunuch.  Search the recesses of your brain to make marriage something other than a cross to bear.  And if can’t do that, then for God’s sake just lie to them – it’s their wedding day and they’re giving you free wine.

My sister rocks, doesn’t she? Speak on it in the comments. About the post that is – not about how much she rocks.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 13

  1. superblackgirl says:

    Please, Max — they can ALSO talk about how much I rock in the comments. I don’t believe in censorship.

  2. Barb says:

    AMAZING! This post is so full of truth. I think the same thing whenever I hear stupid toasts like that. Thanks to Super Black Girl for telling it like it is, and in such a fun way! This sentence alone made me gasp it is so awesome: “Strive to offer marital advice that does more than reduce a married woman to a household/sex slave and a married man to a eunuch.” YES!!! BTW, I’m a wife who can’t cook with a husband who’s often right. You can follow us on Twitter @IDoAlready!

    1. Starita34 says:

      Love you guys!
      *shamelessly throws panties at SheSaid*

  3. LaLaBakir says:

    Good post! I never thought of advice given at the wedding in that way…but you’re so right! What should be a joyous situation, is turned into something of an obligation…something to get through like a bid.

  4. Kema says:

    Scenario A… Why did I think I was the only one who went through that.

    What a man does: After making all the noise in the world, plops on the bed to put on socks. boing! boing! Why does the bed have to bounce like something else is going on?

    That is the point where I consider separate bedrooms if we ever marry. lol!

    1. this is why you need separate dressing rooms in the crib…

  5. Very excited to see SuperBlackGirl with a guest post.

    Wedding toasts, to me, shouldn’t even be about giving advice. That’s a silly to wanna do – especially if you’re not married, or not even close to being married. A toast is… a toast. It’s a formal, celebratory expression. As such, you should be seeking to celebrate the couple and all that they went through as individuals and since they’ve been together – that have lead them to the point of marriage.

    Another thing I hate to see people do during wedding speeches is over share. Past relationships, slideoffs, dudes who broke her heart, the bachelor party… all that stort of stuff is off limits during the wedding speech. Talk about how great the guy is, talk about how great the gal is – share a couple of funny anecdotes to that effect, and keep it moving.

    1. fixedwater says:

      ^^^ YES!!!

      I attended a wedding where the toasts implied that both the bride an groom were recovering sex addicts, who were finally settling down. What?!

  6. Both of those scenarios can go the other way around. It’s really about how a person sleeps. If they sleep heavy to the point where light, doors opening, and water running doesn’t wake them up, then they will take that to mean you can too.

    With the TV shows, i’ve had situations where i’ve been like, “Why is that when we watch Bridezilla or Desp Housewives, you keep saying shhh… even when i’m NOT TALKING, but you can’t stop talking during the game?”

    I get a response like, “You don’t need to hear the game, you can just watch.”

    Perfect, now you’re telling me how to watch the game. Perfect.

  7. Diggame says:

    LOL!!! this is mad funny but sooo true!! Even worse is when the coast goes too damn long and rambles

  8. Starita34 says:

    Love your post Super Black Girl. I too am annoyed at how society in general paints marriage as this sexless obligation that makes woman fat and naggy & men impotent and stupid. A wedding is certainly not the place!

    Post script: Max IS INDEED fabulous.


    I’m a sucker for weddings. I was in my sister’s wedding, and at the reception, began my speech all dignified, and the moment I said, “When we were little girls”, became a bumbling, snot totting, idiot… Became overwhelmed with joy and grief (for those that weren’t there), it was just awful, for about 30 seconds. Then I recovered, and had the best night ever…

    But yes, we do get the short end of the stick hopefully not too damn short… course we probably wouldn’t get married … I mean, how it is we’re supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to them, but they act like they going to the electric chair (The Wood).. “This is supposed to be a special moment” “Do you love her?”… “Yeah I love her” “Then it’s simple..” (I’ve seen this movie too many times; can quote word for word, my kids talk about me) SMH..

    Scenario B
    Admittedly, this is sooo me. Not into sports, but will sit and watch with my man..
    But I could really careless if he wants to watch my show; I’d rather not have the distraction.

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