Do I Want an Older Dude?


Let me tell you a story about my last good first date. I met the dude at a mutual friend’s New Years party. A few days after the party he sent me a nice note on Facebook saying he’d enjoyed meeting me and would I like to have dinner that week. And although I took a couple of days to accept (I had to overcome an objection that I don’t want to get into right now), when I finally did he wrote me back right away firming up the date and time. The day before the date he wrote me to tell me he had chosen a great place for us and he was really excited. Of course I had to burst his bubble by telling him he needed to let me know where it was so I could check the menu to ensure I’d actually be able to eat. But he was gracious about it and it turned out the spot was fine.

When the day came he picked me up in a cab and off we went. It was a Mark McEwan restaurant, which if you know anything about Toronto you know that means it’s pretty nice. He was a total gentleman throughout the night; helped me on and off with my coat, stood when I approached or left the table, did not bat an eye when I didn’t eat anything at dinner. After dinner we went for drinks at a little spot in Yorkdale and then he took me home in a cab. He gave me a kiss – on the lips but no tongue, the HG of first-date kisses – and thanked me for a great evening. The next afternoon he wrote me a note telling me what a good time he’d had and asking if I wanted to come over that night to bone watch the Raptors game.

Pretty great date right? I can’t think of how it could have been any better. And do you know why it was such a good date? Because he was over 40. What – you didn’t know? Men over 40 have the dating game on lock. Every date I’ve ever had with a man over 40 except for the last one where the man let me walk home to the hood by myself in the freezing cold at 1:30 in the fucking morning and didn’t call me again for 6 months has been like this. They’re just on a whole different level than men in their 20’s and 30’s. And yet when I read this article the other day about why women in their 30’s don’t want to date men in their 40’s I was nodding my head in agreement the whole time.  Because – although the vast majority of the best dates I’ve been on have been with men over the age of 40 – I really just don’t want to get with older dudes.

In the article the author mentions that women in their 30’s feel like they’re too youthful for men in their 40’s and I think that’s true. For one thing; while older men have an amazing innate ability to make you feel dainty and ladylike just by their very presence, they also have a tendency to make a woman feel….juvenile. Let me tell you another story. Many years ago I went on a date with an older man I’d had a crush on since I was about sixteen. We had a great time, until the end of the date when he brought me back to my sister’s house and I invited him to come in. When we got in the house, my sister’s DJ boyfriend was in his studio playing records. He put on Masta Ace’s Top 10 List, which starts with the words “At 8 you’re a sucker/7 a motherfucker” screamed loudly and repeatedly. My sister and I leapt out of our chairs, gunshots inna de air, prancing around the room rhyming along with the song. Old man was sitting on the couch looking at us with something approaching disgust. He clearly wasn’t interested in hearing “10,9,8,7,6,5,4/3,2,1 reasons [he’ll] never be this raw”.

See this is the thing. I might not have the stupidity innocence of a woman in her 20’s but I’m still pretty youthful. I still get giddy over dumb shit like Gossip Girl. I like to wear skimpy clothes in the winter time if I think I’m going to be run into my favourite hot boy. I’m a little older and wiser but I still have a fair amount of growing up to do. All of which usually makes my older man just….shake his head at me. And maybe it’s with affection but it feels like judgement. So I reign myself  in a little, I don’t bray in outrage when Chuck cheats on Blair for the millionth time and I don’t regale him with stories of the ratchedness I saw on Twitter today because he doesn’t “get” Twitter (that’s another thing – older men aren’t as heavily plugged into social media, which makes it harder for me to e-stalk them us to relate to one another). After a while it just gets exhausting having to be the grownup version of myself.

The other thing about older dudes is this: they are assholes just like younger dudes. Even worse actually. Because unlike men in their 20’s and 30’s who usually come out of the gate with some kind of low-key shitty behaviour, older men lull you into complacency with all their manners and chivalry and sweet talk before they do some fucked up shit like break up with you over email or airing your relationship issues in the comments of your blog and the whole thing goes left. And because the craptastic behaviour comes out of nowhere, you’re totally blindsided and unprepared for it. Which makes it way more upsetting and way more difficult to get over.

Then of course there’s the sex. When it comes to sex, older men win in only one regard: they tend to not be bothered by how many men you’ve been with before him dumb shit that can send younger men running for the hills. That’s it. Oh and older dudes stay on their #foreplayshit, but you guys know how I feel about excessive foreplay right? Yawn. Other than that…let’s just say if you get Viagra-free sex, you’re winning.  And while a man in his 30’s can occasionally pull off round two if he’s moved enough, you can forget about that shit with the forty-plus man. It’s strictly one and done with these guys.

So that’s my take on older dudes, what about you ladies? Have you dated a man over 40? What do you think? Men – how do you feel about being an older man? How do you feel about dating older women? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 21

  1. Drew-Shane says:

    I really can’t get into the huge age gaps. I like to keep people around my age. I don’t think a 19 year old and I would have anything in common. If we do, then we definitely have a problem.

    Sometimes age doesn’t discriminate when it comes to ‘assholes’ or foolishness.

  2. Sunshyne says:

    Wow you are so right… They do make a woman feel like a lady all the time. And they start acting real complacent near the end of the relationship and then do something dumb. A few years ago, an older guy basically called things quit via a Myspace message. #wheredeydothatat ??? And the whole age gap makes it hard to find common interests. The older guy never understood how I could listen to Chris Brown or any mainstream music for that matter. And they are definitely one and done… no stamina whatsoever… which is frustrating as hell to be left staring at the ceiling while this n*gga is knocked the eff out!!! lol

  3. Melissa says:

    I used to have this thing….2 yrs up or down. I used to think that 2yrs older or younger was a reasonable age range for me date because I never thought that I would have anything in common with someone much older and I can’t do much younger because I have a younger brother and in my head, that’s too weird. And All my gfs tend to date younger dudes and I hear the horror stories which has pretty much turned me off of a young guy forever.

    But then I started seeing someone almost 10 yrs older than me. Did i ever think that I’d have anything in common with a 40 yr old dude? Never. But did I ever. I used to think that older dudes came with excess baggage that I did not need: ex wives, kids, etc. Or that they were looking for a wife But that wasnt case. And sex with an older dude opened me up to things I may not have explored because they’re more experienced and more open. I always found younger guys to be more selfish whereas an older dude knows the value of foreplay (which I love) and in satisfying me first. And maybe he was just the most immature 40 yr old ever (in a good way) because I never felt like I was talking to an old man or that I couldn’t relate (unless it was about music or movies from before my time).

    In conclusion, older dudes get a big thumbs up from me provided theres no baggage and that he’s just as immature as I am 🙂

  4. Kema says:

    I am almost 30 and I have always dated older men. (38 yr old boo at 22) I think my ‘issue’ was/is that I like chasing men and older men do not run as fast. lol! Also they are more patient. I dont mind feeling juvenile. Its beats the alternative!

    …and yes, the dates are the best! They still believe in chivalry which I just adore.

    But I must admit I usually hibernate during the winter so I think a younger winter boo may be just what I need.

  5. Funms says:

    I have dated an older man in the past and i found myself nodding to this……esp the asshole behaviour…totally unexpected..i doubt i want to do it again though

  6. RedLady821 says:

    Well I am older and therefore I am married to an older dude but I agree with everything you young ladies have written.

    I was laughing my ass off at this post.

  7. William Templar says:

    this post won’t bode well for me today

  8. I have ALWAYS been told that I should date older but in all honesty I am just not that into older dudes – never have been. The last guy I dated was 5 years younger and the ENTIRE time I’m with this guy there were constant reminders of our age gap – maybe I don’t want someone to feel that way about me.

    WICKED READ, tres entertaining

  9. Starita34 says:

    The sex paragraph made me so sad inside…honestly, that is a big reason that too much older really turns me off.

    My ideal man is 32-33, but like I said just my IDEAL. If I meet a man that is 40 and has everything else then cool; my man is 40. But “everything else” includes (but is not limited to): giving me children, giving me a lot of sex (just cause YOU’VE been boning all your life doesn’t mean I have – buy stock in Viagra if you must, but you’re putting in WORK!), being active, shared interests…and although there are certainly 40+ year old men that meet that criteria, there are substantially less with every year that passes…

    My terrible cockneyed theory? The 40+’s are so sweet and gentlemanly because they just don’t care about sex as much as the young bucks. Which is nice, until Mama needs her fix…my 2 cents.

    1. Kema says:

      “The 40+’s are so sweet and gentlemanly because they just don’t care about sex as much as the young bucks”

      I know! I always find out the hard way. Im gushing to my girl friends “girl he hasnt tried to do me yet! He is such a gentleman.” That becomes a problem eventually. lol!

    2. Sebastian says:

      I have no idea where you ladies are finding these older dudes. But as someone in his early 40’s who tends to date early to mid thirties, I have to say that I agree with all except when it comes to sex. I am always down for a trifecta; no viagra required, and have perfected a few signature moves as well 🙂

  10. Max, just don’t ever forget our conversation about men taking Viagra. Don’t forget it.

    1. RedLady821 says:

      I’ve seen plenty of 40+ year old men popping viagra like pez and cheating on their wives. Grow THE F* up whydontcha!?

      1. Drew-Shane says:

        I’m going to be popping viagra at 40?? NO! Let’s move that age up please!!

  11. Tisha says:

    Max, I’ve always wanted to date an older man, then I think about all the things you listed and don’t do it. I’m warming up to the idea now though…slowly

  12. Southern Poise says:

    I’ve never dated older. I am older myself, now, and since leaving my husband 8 years ago, have only dated younger, which didn’t turn out to be too successful only in the bedroom . Although had a fun run of it… But just recently started to date my own age again, and so far, still not successful.. .I’ve always thought older men would be fuddy duddies, even in my early 20’s and earlier 30’s. But now, may be the time to give it a whirl. *shrugs* we’ll see.

  13. luxemansion579 says:

    Well said (written) Max! As 31 year old woman; I found myself nodding in agreement to almost every sentence within this post.

  14. LaLaBakir says:

    I have absolutely no interest in dating an older man. I cringe at the thought. He would have to possess a certain youthfullness and even then…*cringes*. I can’t date anybody who when I look at them, he reminds me of my father. I just can’t.

  15. keisha brown says:

    eff growin up.
    im gonna STAY being a toys r us kid
    in a grown woman’s body of course.

  16. MizzMars says:

    Def has me considering an Older dude. Really, who cares if they might be a little put off by the immature ways you/I may have. What did he expect dating someone 10 years younger? I want some proper dates. I usually stay close to my age but that has been very unimpressive. And younger, not even worth it. 1 vote for men 40+

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