Don’t You Like Me Anymore Redux

22
Nov
2010
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Okay okay I’ll admit that I have been beating the topic of disappearing men to death lately but only because it recently happened to me and I’m still not over it it’s one that is near and dear to my heart. It’s not that I want to bash men, I just want us to come [...]


Okay okay I’ll admit that I have been beating the topic of disappearing men to death lately but only because it recently happened to me and I’m still not over it it’s one that is near and dear to my heart. It’s not that I want to bash men, I just want us to come to an understanding on this issue. I want women to understand why it happens and how to avoid it and I want men to understand what it’s like to be on the receiving end. So to that end, I had a discussion about it with one of my very favourite men the other day and we thought it would be fun to share the transcript so you all can weigh in. If you haven’t read the post in question, go here and get caught up.

The Wise (But Misguided) Man: Max you sound like such a girl in this post
I like when you sound like a girl though…
“What I cannot abide though is the outright lying. If you don’t like me anymore and I ask you “hey do you not like me anymore?” and you lie? I’m sorry – no one cam ever convince me that’s not a weak, amateurish, asshole move.”
My response to that would be… “What if I do still like you?”
My feelings didn’t change…
max: Then why are you acting like a jackass?
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: My outlook on the direction of this relationship has changed.
Because…even though I still like you and care about your well being and all that good stuff…for whatever reason…I just don’t see us going past what we are now.
Whatever that is.
So… we can keep this going and slowly slow it down until is nothing. Or we can have this conversation you seem intent on having… I can tell you that… I like you, but, that this… right here… is as far as we’ll go. And besides all that….How do we break up if we’re not together?
I’m leaving the way I came… I drifted in, now I’m drifting out.
max: Ugh you know how I feel about that.
But here’s my thing:
In this scenario
The man establishes a certain type of behaviour at the beginning
then he abruptly and inexplicably changes his behaviour.
If I ask why and there is a reason, why not just say so?
Why say nothing has changed when it’s obvious that something has?
It’s rude!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: That’s different.
If you asked me what’s changed I’m gonna have to come up with a better answer than ‘nothing’.
But, if you ask me if I still like you… I’m gonna say yes… I do
max: Oh sweet Jesus lord
That is ridiculous.
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: haha
max: How about “it’s not that I don’t like you it’s just that [insert your reason here]
(As you can see this is a sore spot)
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: But Max…
Why wouldn’t my actions be enough?
max: no!
I don’t accept that!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: Why?
That’s the part I don’t get
max: okay
It’s true that I should take my cues from someone’s actions.
That is true.
But
it’s beside the point.
The point is if I ask a question and you lie or avoid answering it,
that is WEAK.
And really – if you stopped being into it you should have just said so. I shouldn’t have to ask or take cues from your behaviour.
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: I agree with that, to an extent…
max: To an extent?!?
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: But… if you’re asking that question, and we are not together, have had no conversations in the past about where any of this was headed, then… the fact that you’re asking the question means you haven’t been totally honest with me about how you feel.
If you want a relationship or something that resembles a relationship… say from the top.
max: How do you figure that?
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: If what we have has no boundaries, why is it not ok for me to just leave?
And maybe return as I please?
When you ask that question it’s like putting up a fence
max: Oh sweet Jesus lord!
No!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: Like… you’re saying… this type of behaviour is not ok.
Now, I’m stuck between a rock and hard place.
max: Okay wait a second here
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: ok
max: I have to take a moment to gather myself because I am so agitated!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: haha
max: I don’t think that asking the question is saying the behaviour isn’t okay.
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: Yeah, lets try and start over.
What’s our question? Like, what are we trying to get an answer to?
max: I guess basically it comes down to whether we are obligated to tell someone when we’ve gone off them.
I guess that’s the question.
No wait
not obligated.
Whether it is discourteous to not tell someone when you’ve gone off them.
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: ok
my simple answer is this… if we’ve had some sort of conversation about the nature of our relationship, our expectations; if something that has been said before has changed, then yes, one should verbally tell the other person.
But, if you’re only indications about how I feel have come from my actions… then… you should continue to let my actions indicate to you how I’m feeling.
Now…
Here’s the tricky part:
and where we are getting away from each other
If your only indication about how I feel has come from my actions… i.e. non-verbal… if my actions change, and you then try to have a conversation about and ask me to actually explain to you how I’m feeling, then… for guys… it feels like you just changed the rules in the middle of the game.
It’s very confusing for us.
So, I’m not gonna sit here and say that… at that point… we cannot be held responsible for what we say or do…
but…
I will say… it just throws us off.
max: Okay that’s fair
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: And we sometimes don’t know how to respond.
max: Okay here’s my thing:
So these two people are spending time together and for the most part they’re letting their feelings known by their actions
maybe a little bit through their words
but primarily through action
specifically the frequency and nature of the contact
then suddenly one person drastically pulls back.
I think it’s reasonable for the other person to conclude that their feelings have changed/disappeared and that’s why the contact has decreased.
It’s possible that there could be another explanation, but unlikely.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask what changed
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: ***sounding like a girl now***
It’s totally unreasonable!
max: Why?
If you’re deviating from a standard of behaviour you yourself established,
why can’t I ask what’s up?
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: Because the whole purpose, the whole point of everything we have… the whole reason why what we have is better than an actual relationship (for us, at this time in our lives) is because we don’t have to have these intimate conversations.
We don’t have to share our feelings about each other, and talk about them and discuss them
max: Oh sweet Jesus lord!
No!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: If I wanted someone I could share my feelings with I would just have a relationship. With boundaries and all of that.
max: Don’t you like me anymore is a yes or no question.
All you have to do is say no I don’t and you can skip your happy ass off.
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: It is… but… at what point did that become an acceptable relationship?
What changed on your end that makes you feel like it’s ok to ask that?
max: YOUR BEHAVIOUR!
Okay it’s like this
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: NO!
max: Okay let me try it another way
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: My behavior is consistent!
max: NO IT IS NOT!
That’s the whole point!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: YES IT IS!
max: Okay wait!
Let me give you an analogy:
Let’s say you and I bump into each other on the street
we find that we’re walking at a similar pace and we’re headed to the same destination
so we decide to walk together.
So we’re walking and everything’s fine
then all of a sudden you turn left
I’m not allowed to ask if you are going someplace else?
Really?
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: That’s not a good example
max: Of course it is!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: A better example is this…
And you’re gonna hate me and sign off after this… but… I got a lot of e-love for you, so I gotta go in.
A better example is this…
I’m walking down the street… I see someone I know… I stop, say what’s up, kick it with them for a while… then as I’m sorta wrapping up that conversation, you come along…
you say hey…what’s up…
The other person, knowing that we were just wrapping up the conversation, and seeing that I’ve just seen someone else I know… does not need a long explination for why I’m leaving… it’s clear.you and I start walking…
we walk a couple blocks…
have some great conversation
catch up…
At block 4, the conversation aint what it was a block 1
still cool, but not the same…
block 5 I see someone else I know… or…. maybe not someone else, but, a store I like or some other distraction… the same way the first person I ran into didn’t need me to explain.. you shouldn’t
what changed was this…
somewhere, in those first 4 blocks, maybe you stopped looking around to see if there were people you know walking too
that change deserves a conversation
my behavior was consistent
I was drifting…
it’s like… if we’ve been talking in sign language for 3 months, then, out of the blue, you start using words… but, then, I keep using sign language… who changed
max: Jesus
Okay here’s where I think we are not seeing eye to eye:
In the scenario you’re giving you make sense.
If two people just happen to start walking together then I guess one of them has the right to make a turn without explaining why.
because that’s just happenstance
there’s no intent
But in the scenario I was writing about there’s intention there.
You and I have decided to walk someplace together!
Now you are making turns and I ask if you’re going someplace else and you’re saying no.
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: When did you and I decide to walk someplace together?
I missed that part…
max: Somewhere near the beginning of the journey
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: NO!
That’s not what happend
max: of course!
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: I was walking along, happened to run into someone
max: If we didn’t decide to walk together then what are we talking about?
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: kicked it there
then you happened to come along
you were driting just like me
max: Okay but
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: we didn’t decide anything
yo, you should just post this conversation as a follow up tomorrow
max: I should eh?
I think it would make a great discussion
The Wise (But Misguided) Man: Yeah, edit it of course.
max: I think I’m gonna do it.

So there you have it. I think that in the scenario he’s describing (in which there is basically nothing going on between the two people) it’s okay for the man to disappear without a trace. Unfortunately I also think that that scenario has no bearing on the discussion. Therefore he is wrong. But what do you guys think? Did this discussion shed any light on the topic? Speak on it (for the last time I promise) in the comments.



34 Comments

  • Melissa says:

    This was confusing to read. But While I completely agree with you, I do think that this is where male and female perspectives differentiate. Of course women would want to know what’s up. And of course men don’t think there’s a need for that. I don’t think there’s any convincing either of them of the opposite

  • Rogue Thought says:

    Hi (don’t know why I feel the need to introduce myself but) I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now, first time commenting. I am a girl. And I agree with him. Your analogy would have word had you been going to the same place, as well as the same direction. But that would only work if you knew exactly where you wanted to go from jump. For example, you are in NYC on the 1 train in the Bronx. You see somebody you know (or meet somebody) you two start talking and get on the train (same pace same direction.) You are both going downtown. You can’t be upset if he gets off on 59th st when you were going to 34th st. But I’m more than sure on 66th st he was saying I’m getting off next stop. He either said it or started to get up, collecting his stuff something. Now things would be different if, upon meeting you two discussed where downtown each of you were going. If one, or both had a specific place in mind you would know what was going to happen exactly. But if neither, one or both had a specific place to go you could then bring up “oh you don’t want to talk to me anymore is that why you are getting of the train?” (we all know that has actually happened.)
    And now it’s late and I’m tired. So tired I forgot what my point was going to be. But I have left a long example with no real conclusion…I’ll be back once I remember.

  • keisha brown says:

    ok. so..this scenario mirrors a recent situation i also went thru. i’ll try to keep it brief.
    met. started dating. talked (phone) almost everyday (2 hrs min). txt in am/pm. see each other on a regular schedule permitting. he would talk about places we should go, things we should do. while there was no ‘official’ talk – i was cool with how things were going/direction they were headed in.

    then he decided that work is too important to warrant returning calls, txt etc. we had in our short time of dating had a heated disagreement in which we agreed that communication is very important.

    after 2 weeks of punking me off/breaking plans – we talked. he apologized and promised that he didnt want to go anywhere. the bitcha$$ness continued. i decided that i had a choice..wait and continue to be frustrated or let him know that i cant control him, only me and how i allow myself to be treated.

    i wrote him an email to let him know how i felt and got nothing. spoke to a guy friend who told me my email was intimidating esp since it had only been a couple of months. i was pretty cheesed with how he attempted to break down the situation, but it was also unfair of me to ask for advice since he wasnt there and didnt know lots of the details for why i felt the way i did.

    lesson learned: men and women think and act differently when it comes to relationships. period. men see things as more black and white and there is no room for shades of grey, purple or otherwise. it is futile to try and get them to see our point of view. they cant even if they wanted to. they will do what they feel they need to do, and all we can do is accept it or move on. it sucks, but it truly is that simple.

    • Lynn says:

      I honestly think every single female has been in the situation that you have described! I recently went through the same situation but instead of an email I wrote a very long bbm message. I knew what the answer was but the “girl” in me just HAD to write it!! He gave me the whole I like you and spending time with you and all but I just don’t feel like coming to see you or haven’t had time to xyz … but I think your an awesome woman blah blah blah. I gave him a simple “ok” and have kept it moving ever since. After he told me that I didn’t feel bad about the situation or mad (I’m growing up) I just decided to stop wasting my time texting, calling, attempting to see him. It’s that simple ladies just keep it moving …..besides he will be back.. they always come back !

      • keisha brown says:

        @lynn,
        besides he will be back.. they always come back !
        YES!! why is my name boomerang? no matter how it ended, somehow, someway..dudes in my life have always managed to try and come back.
        ugh. keep. on. movin.

    • Yaya says:

      This happened to me as well. Your comment is so accurate

  • Nick@Nite says:

    Max, you might have to let the dog lie on this one. There’s some cross-talking going on and each one can’t articulate the scenario properly. I think guys will just do it and then expect us to not be upset.
    It seems like it all comes down to intention. (and I’m a BIG fan of intention) Guys say that they communicate (albeit, not the way we like). But here, since he’s not talking to negate the conclusions you’ve drawn by his actions, then one would assume that you’re correct in what you’re thinking.
    Personally, I think the situation is simple, but that’s just me. Seems like several men have claimed that they didn’t want to have the long conversation, or anything like that. When in my eye, if I said all that I needed to say and you understood it, then there is no long talking that needs to happen. And I hang up the phone. If we’re doing it face to face and I’ve said all I needed to say, then I just leave.
    Simple…
    Maybe too simple..

    • Starita34 says:

      I think you’re right…we’re never gonna fix it on a grand scale. We seem to think that we deserve basic respect one thing and men seem to thinkwe’re cum dumpsters another thing. (exaggerated for comedic effect, if I thought that men thought that, I’d be a lesbian already…heeeey Megan Fox!)

      I find solace in this lil cliche “if a man loves you there is nothing you can do to keep him away; if he doesn’t there is nothing you can do to make him stay”. Fairy taleish? Yes. But it’s hard out here on a girl. You find peace where you can get it.

  • NotMyVirginEars says:

    He wants to bone you without the trappings of a relationship, and as soon as you insinuate you might like to have one he runs the other way. How is that so hard to understand? It is simpler to drift away than to explain the virtues of singledom to somebody who wants to wife up.

  • The guy you’re having this conversation with articulated what I feel perfectly. I think the point of it is this: Because of some of the enescapable differences between they way we communicate, both women and men need protect themselves, and each other from each other.

    This is why, for many years, I have been in favor of a more formal, traditional outlook on dating. Were I a single man interested in building a relationship with a woman, I would court her. This means dates with clear beginnings and clear ends (no ‘come chill at the crib’), this means talking about what I look for in a woman I intend on being with for a while. It means talking about what I expect a woman to expect from me were I in a committed relationship with her. It means introducing her to those closest to me. And, most importantly, before any physical intimacy occurs, it means having a conversation where I essentially say – “you are my woman and I am your man.” I know all that sounds silly and… so 10th grade. But, it really works.

    Now, if I like a woman, and want to spend time with a woman but, for whatever reason (life circumstance, busy career, don’t like her enough, etc) don’t want to attach any boundaries to the relationship, then, that means I just want to “drift” with her for a while. There are no rules to drifting. Is it discourteous for me to just drift away… honestly… I’m not sure. But, if you’ve had that happen to you multiple times, to the point where it’s kind of a pattern in your life and, it really annoys you or hurts your feelings or anything like that, then, maybe you don’t understand men well enough to have boundary-less relationships Maybe you need to change your behavior and the way you approach relationships. Take a more formal approach. Stop hanging out their crib on the first date. Stop giving up the goodies before having the ‘what are we’ conversation. If you call a dude twice, and he doesn’t call back… erase his number. And when he does get lonely and call back… make the n*gga work a little (still don’t give up the goodies though).

    If a team consistently loses, at some point, you gotta stop blaming the rules of the game, blaming the referees, blaming the other team for cheating, at some point, you have to say… “I want to win”… and then you have to adjust your gameplan to one that leads to victory… whatever that means for you.

    (Did not proofread – forgive any errors)

    • Kema says:

      I am going to take note and adjust my dating style accordingly. lol!

    • Starita34 says:

      I hear ya Most and I really do respect your opinion, but let me tell you that your response made me sigh. I just feel like SO much of the onus of a relationship, of a family, of society is on us, women. I feel like from birth “boys will be boys” and girls must always be a lady. ALWAYS.

      I know that this isn’t going to change, but I guess I just had to let that sigh out. Shout from the rafters that we wanna be carefree and reckless sometimes too I believe the acceptable time to do this is called “college”. At times we wanna be able to drift from relationship to situation to random hookup in Vegas to FWB to relationship without repercussion like the men. But we are not allowed. We’re never allowed. And it’s frustrating.

      I think we may just need to collectively give Max a big e-hug. Ish sucks. And the powerlessness sucks even more. Higher powers and love of self must be heavily relied upon at times like these. And friends.

  • Ashley says:

    @ Lynn, hell yea they always come back! And then have the nerve to be mad when you’re over it.

    But my question to Max’s friend is, would he rather have the girls he meets come right out and tell him on the first date that she wants a relationship (cuz you know, that’s bound to produce AWESOME results lol)? What if she doesn’t know yet? I tend not to even make those kinds of decisions until after we sleep together anyway (maybe that’s a problem), because who wants to be in a commits relationship with someone who sucks in bed? And really, I can’t understand how a group of people (read: men) who claim to be the “logical” sex, can’t seem to come up with answers to easy ass yes or no questions! B*tchasses. Lol

    • Answering for Max’s friend…

      You don’t have to have that conversation on the first date, but, you communicate what you’re looking for by your actions. If you want a committed relationship, then, don’t give away all of the benefits of a committed relationship before you commit to each other. Men will never buy the cow if we can get the milk for free. That’s not logical fo us. And I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about sex, cooked meals every other night, the ability to make myself at home at your crib and you in mine, knowledge of all of your most intimate yearnings, desires, failures, successes. All that stuff is stuff you need to give tastes of. Appetizers… make us want the cow.

      As far as waiting till your committed to have sex, I’m gonna step out on a limb hear but, I do think that consistently having sex with guys before y’all are “together” is a problem.. IF…(big if)… IF you’re desirous of a long term relationship. It’s a problem for two reasons. 1) Because, it sends a mixed signal to the guy. To us it’s like, “ok, if this is what I have to do to have sex… then this is all I will do.” and 2) Because sex, at it’s core, is the deepest and most intimate form of expression you can give another person. If you keep giving it away after 3 or 4 dates or hangout sessions, it loses it’s value. A man can tell when a woman no longer values her loving. It’s not a good place to be… when you’re there, men will always take your loving, and never take you. It’s just the way of the world. And here’s the thing… sex gets better with time. A dude may be terrible the first time, but, as you get to know each other, and care for each other more… it gets better. As long as dude isn’t microscopic with his jewels… things will get better. And if they don’t, no one is saying you have to stay together.

      Just my opinion. Try it this way for like a year… what have you got to lose. If your way ain’t really been working… try something else. If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.

      • Ashley says:

        @TheMostInteresting,

        What you said definitely makes sense, however I sometimes honestly think there IS no “right” approach to this. I’ve had success using either method (waiting till we were official before having sex vs. doing it when I was ready/it felt right). And you also have to admit, that a lot of times on these blogs, men will get up here in the comments and be on either side of the fence, depending on how it most benefits them in the topic at hand (for example, I remember a post Max wrote about what she WON’T do if she’s not wifey/aka in a commited relationship, and some of these guys got on here and LIT HER UP…talking about “thats why you’re gonna be single forever, cuz yall be holding out on the home cooked meals, sex, etc etc etc”, but then on this post, all of a sudden its a bad idea to cook and have sex before we’re commited). I really just wish I didn’t have to play these games…if I meet a guy I really like and we date for a while, sometimes I get the urge to just hook him up with a good meal, or a good romp in the sack (i like sex too, sh*t lol). I just think if I start to catch real feelings and I feel you turning the other way, you should at least be man enough to answer me when I ask you a direct question…or if you’re gonna fade out, stay gone! Don’t hit me up 2 months later talking bout “what up stranger…” or some other bs.

        • Lol @ “what up stranger” I know that has to be the worst! Full disclosure… I disappeared on this girl I had a summer fling with in college and then called like, the next spring and said “What up Stranger”… shorty hit the roof. I regret that… lol.

          But I feel you. There are no real rules, all you can do is protect yourself without closing yourself off to the world. I will say, I keep my advice consistent on these here internets… I don’t hop from blog to blog or topic to topic changing up the gameplan. What I outlined above is how I approached relationships prior to my marriage and it’s absolutely how I ended up settling down with my wife. But I feel you.

  • Sometimes we tend to over-complicate this issue when its not as hard to understand as we think..

    Men disappear when they don’t want to deal with your ass anymore, and to most men the idea of a relationship exit-interview is pointless – because he was never serious about you in the first place.

    Men treat women the same way they treat Video Games – when they are tired of playing Madden (usually because they have a new more interesting game like Call Of Duty or NBA 2K) they just leave the old game on the shelf and pay it no mind and let it gather dust. It’s sad but it’s just how it is.

    • SaneN85 says:

      This kinda made me want to cry because I just got Madden’d*, literally right after buying his dumbass Black Ops.

      *I’m officially using Madden’d as a verb.

  • B_P says:

    Max, first…(((hugs))) girl. I can tell this situation is bothering you. Now to get a real feel about what is really going on I would need to know more information. Were you two just dating and/or having intercourse? Did you both discuss at any time what your expectations of this relationship were? I think as women ( well let me just speak for myself) I would often tend to try to make relationships out to be more than they really were, especially if I really liked the other individual. I also seemed to have an affinity for arrogant men that seem to not think that expressing how they feel is imperative. Throw into the equation that men are not emotional creatures it can be very difficult comprehend how he is feeling. I agree with Nick, the answer is simple because the writing seems to be on the wall. You owe it to your heart to read and decipher what it all means to you.

  • This weekend i’ve been working on my theory that people have relationships in their head.

    TBC…

    • Starita34 says:

      That’s going to be good. I can’t relate to too many of the crazy things that women do, but I’m guilty as hell of that there offense. *sigh*

  • Sam Sharpe says:

    Sam Sharpe,

    Seeing that I’m straight up about how much time or energy I’m willing and able to invest in a relationship, I tend not to face these kind of situations, I might not be the best person to answer this, but then again, when have I ever passed up an opportunity to speak my mind….This sounds almost like a “making a mountain out of a mole hill situation” to me….simply put, male or female, gay or straight, intelligent or dumb, if someone has the time/desire/inclination they don’t drift or don’t drift without an explanation….

    I understand the desire we humans have for answers, but sometimes it just ain’t necessary. Or forthcoming. Why waste energy trying to figure out why that person drifted away…..

  • Sam Sharpe says:

    Thought, I would also direct the masses to the following link. It’s not directly related to the topic at hand, but I think it is relevant:

    http://untiligetmarried.com/2010/11/18/hes-only-interested-in-one-thing-because-shes-not-that-interesting/

    • max says:

      I read that. I’m still not convinced he’s not talking out of his arse.

      • Starita34 says:

        This in particular rubbed me the wrong way “I met women who I only wanted to sleep with, only to end up falling for them because they talked about themselves in a way I found — what’s the word I’m looking for? — oh yeah, interesting.”

        Some lil glimmers of truth, but overall I just felt more weight loaded onto the shoulders of women. Like our ultimate prize and mission here on earth is to be jesters and prostitutes and chefs meant to entertain, sex, and feed the menfolk. It feels so lopsided.

        D@mn, I hate sounding this bitter and disenfranchised.

  • !BB! says:

    OMG that made my head hurt! But I totally agree with you Max. Your walking analogy was great.

    If things/feelings have changed just say so. As an adult I think I can handle the truth.

  • SaneN85 says:

    Yes, this conversation was a little frustrating as an outside viewer. I don’t have much to say, except it’s obvious that men and women will just never see it from the other side. That is, until the guy ends up with a Casper that he really liked.

  • When I read what The Wise (But Misguided) Man said, I grudgingly accepted that he had a point. And I think we can all agree, based on the male and female versions of the “walking down the street” scenario, that men and women do not think the same.

    But there are a lot of comments about women “over-complicating” or “making a mountain out of a mole hill”, whereas I think maxfab is making a very simple point about common courtesy. To reuse the metaphor of walking down the street: if two people are walking down the street together, whether they have decided to walk together or just found themselves beside each other chatting, and one person stops to tie their shoe, and when they looks up the other person is gone, it’s RUDE. No, that person does not necessarily owe you some big explanation for where they are going, why they have chosen to change paths, or who shot john. But a simple acknowledgement of going another way, a mere “Goodbye” or “Peace out”, does not seem like too much to ask of any human being, even if that person is male.

    I might have over-simplified that a bit, but I figure it’s better than over-complicating, right guys? :)

  • fixedwater says:

    I think I agree with WiseMan on this and I don’t think he’s all that misguided. A little over a year ago a guy I was seeing and had communicated the “what are we” clearly, suddenly decided it was too much for him and with little to no explanation he disappeared. I don’t think my situation is what you are describing and what he did was unnecessary. I am not a mind reader and have yet to date one, so I am always clear about my expectations.
    But in your scenario, it seems the guy did not have clearly identified boundaries that would inform his behavior. So his drifting off is passable IMO. If you are not in a clearly delineated relationship and the rules are not spoken/discussed anything can happen, no matter how much it sucks.
    You can’t expect HIM to articulate his reasons, because he (nor I) would feel it was necessary. I can’t remember being in a casual situation like you seem to describe and wanting/requiring an explanation.Your situation is too laissez faire for that; you have to be direct about what you want and how you want it or accept what you get as a result. Unfortunately if you were not in a established relationship, you may have expected too much. Hence (I like that word) if he drifted in, he is allowed to drift out. I have probably been the guilty party in situations such as this more than the guy. (I think I have relationship ADD)
    Just so you know, after over a year of being a part my Friend is back in my life and the honest conversation we had about what happened has improved our interaction. Although, we had discussed my lack of ESP skills and my request to tell me if things changed on his end, I get the feeling he didn’t believe he could really just say what he was thinking (without me going all irrational, screaming and “crazy”). But he did get to see that I was being totally honest when I said I’m a big girl and I can handle getting my feelings hurt. Now he has proof that I can and will try to understand even if I don’t agree, and to be honest so do I. It hurt my feelings how he left but even though I was upset and hurt, I was honest about my feelings and without punishing him for it, I was able to process past it and forgive him.

  • Adonis says:

    I cannot relate to this, but I like to walk with honesty & integrity (9 times out of 10)… So you would get a face to face, transparency with me… but I haven’t really gotten to that point with women… I can’t get past the dating phase (& now I don’t want to anymore)

  • k says:

    lmaoo thats the stupidest conversation ive ever heard girl!
    he’s definitly in the wrong, with some twisted mentality.
    He just wasnt into you no more, and was too much of a coward to just tell you, period.


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