Dirty Things I’ve Never Done

It’s a common misconception that people who blog about sex get it a lot and it’s epic. And while that is definitely might be true, even us bloggers have gaps in our experience. Sometimes we’re just too busy writing about advance sex moves to actually have them, you know? So today I’m gonna share with you some dirty deeds I’ve yet to commit.

1. Head from behind

I’m pretty meh about oral sex – you guys already know this about me. But ever since you guys schooled me on the singular joy of getting head from the back I’ve been dying to experience this. I have a feeling it might change my life.

1. A little bondage

I feel like it shouldn’t be difficult to find a man to tie me up and fuck me, but I haven’t found one to do it yet. If you’re interested, get at me.

2. Baby suck my toes

Technically this shouldn’t be on my list because I have had my toes sucked. But only a handful of times; all of which were many moons ago. I get why men don’t do this more often but I wish they did. It’s kind of icky when you think too hard about it, but having your toes sucked is life-giving.

3. Sam Sharpe’s pussy massage from last week’s post.

4. Making movies

I never dreamed about being a movie star when I was a little girl but I sure would like to have a starring role in a homemade film. Trouble is of course that allowing someone else to film you in the act means that someone has a film of you and who knows what they might do with it? I already live in fear of my father finding out about my blog…can you imagine if somehow someway he came across a movie of his little girl thronxing? Lord God he’d never recover.

5. The triz

I know, I know. This move officially makes me unwifeable. But if this world were mine I would like to experience this. I have a feeling it would be tonnes of fun.

That’s my list of “I Nevers”, what’s yours? Fridays are for over-sharing so spill your shit in the comments.

  1. Ooooh, you’re testing my limits of oversharing! I have all sorts of fantasies that I’ve not lived out and most will file me into the “Not To Be Wifed” abyss! Oh well, I don’t know anyone running round these innanets and if he doesn’t want a freak, I’m not the wife for him any way.

    Well, most importantly, The Sex. Yeah, not having the actual sex til I get married, so yeah, can’t wait for that.

    Milking His Prostate. I really get off on getting him off and I’ve heard this is the best O a man can possibly achieve. I wanna give him the best O he’s ever had, so this is on my short list. Plus I like the idea of me convincing him let me get in and around his @ss and me being the only one to have done so (hopefully). I’m not in the if you like your ass played with you’re gay party; but male ass play should be used sparingly IMO. I can’t unhear a girly squeal. #experience

    Airtight (occupying all three holes). Not into multiple men, but a nice 69 with a toy sounds a lil bit like a very liberating, multitasking [Heaven.

    The Facial. Mmm, I just want it. I know men think it’s degrading, but the thought absolutely turns me on. Obviously another use sparingly technique, but some time in my lifetime I will experience this, then use his dyck to clean it off my face and back where it belongs. Choose your own adventure here…I’ve already said too much.

    1. Oooh, the DP, how could I leave that one off! With a toy again, I really can’t do two men, but still! I talked about this with the ex and was psyched to do it, but alas never did, but it’ll get done. #BelieveThat

      1. *high 5*
        Was it as intense as they say?

        Previously I’ve only read about it, but I watched some p0rn did some research last night and it just looked like she was bored and fingering him and he had a normal O…bwomp, bwomp, bwomp.

        Also, iCan’t with his legs up in the air. Go ahead and lay at the edge of the bed, or face down, or standing, even get into doggy, or just splay your legs open…but you holding your legs up, like I’m giving it to you missionary? No sir.

        1. Lol! Well I was an amateur… I was also multi-tasking with oral too. Dont think I actually did anything to the prostate. And its not like he ever let me do it again.

    2. I just want to say that when you said “The Facial” there was a small pool of spit under my chin on my desk. Don’t worry, I have now since closed my mouth.

      Oh man, i’m going to take this thought with me all day. I will now wonder what it is when a woman says that as a part of their bachelorette party everyone is going to go get “facials.”

      You’re the greatest. Amen.

  2. First of all, this: “Sometimes we’re just too busy writing about advance sex moves to actually have them, you know?” is just wrong! Less writing and more doing. We’d miss you but I think we’d all be more than understanding.

    As for me, I’ve done more than half of your list. The only thing right now that I can say Im not sure I’d do is the full on triz. I’m pretty much game on for anything else tho, to be decided on a case by case basis :p

  3. (comment started at 2:00am)
    Nah. I’m not falling for this trap again. My oversharing days are over. Without saying too much, there are only 2 things on this list I haven’t done. I’ll let you all guess. -_-

    I’m going to be sitting here for a while thinking about my I’ve Nevers.

    1. Machine DP
    2. Dirty Sanchez (aha!)

    That’s all you’ll get from ME today. But have fun guessing what I haven’t done on your list.

      1. Oh and *I’ve Never. Not I’ll never. I do what I can to NOT say “never”. I leave my mind open enough but not to the point where it’s leaking.

  4. looks like I am finally going to get the question I have been asking myself for the past five years answered today:

    What percentage of the world is actually down for a DP?

    and is it ghaye to be at the bottom of the DP with another man’s nuts slamming into yours

    1. I say 69% are down. If you’re on the bottom and you feel dude’s balls slapping into yours, dap style, it’s really all in the head. (pause) If you feel weird about it just from the thought, don’t engage in ball dap-slaps. But would you rather his balls slaps or his meat graze during a position change? *shrug*

    2. As long as we’re asking questions…I gotta know CHeeKZ, with your love of fluids…why the disdain for running red lights?

      I asked my friend the other day and he was down to part the red sea and he estimated that around 80% of men were…fellas, your thoughts on his estimate?

      It’d serve you well to throw down some towels or jump in the shower with your lady during Head Week; we’re sooo horny and highly vascularized (read: more sensitive) at that time of the month.

      1. I know it sounds like I’m doing a lot of backtracking on the “I’d do anything” list but I cannot cosign any intentional running of red lights. It’s head week for a reason. No amount of laying towels, plasticating (yes I know it’s not a word) your sheets/bed or generous post smash use of Dettol/Mr. Clean/Clorox makes this permissable….

        1. That sound you hear? Don’t worry about that, just my shattered hopes and dreams…

          There’s a reason they call it “heat”

          1. I’m with Sam Sharpe.

            No NO No.
            Look people…Snot is a bodily fluid. That doesn’t turn me on. The fluid has to be a result of arousal not a cleaning process. Good grief woman, that is gross.

              1. Yeah, I did it right, but the html makes the symbols disappear and I’m not judging CHeeKZ I’m just not gonna do it.

                Maaan, I just said I’d eff my man with a strap on! What I look like judging you for that nasty ish! I’m a firm believer in what you do with consenting adults in your bedroom is your business.

    1. BP and the Blogger formerly known as Suke are giving the PG answer.

      A Triz is a gangbang where the men (atleast 2) outnumber the women.
      The goal is to ravage the women involved. I think the love/hate relationship men have with trains can best be documented on this past season of Entourage when Sasha Grey was casted to star in a 5 on 1 scene much to the chagrin of one Vincent Chase. Also see the first scene in Old School when Luke (or Owen) Wilson’s wife gets caught. Its a hard line between female liberation and respecting a smut. One day I gotta write a guest post capturing the essence of this arguement.

  5. I know I might be in the minority here, but there is nothing a woman could do or want to do (short of bestiality) that would disqualify her from wifey status. Are you kidding me? A lady who’s done for whatever? A lady like Starita 34 who has apparently been inhabiting my dreams? ALL GRAVY. Look, I would give my left nut to meet a woman who was down for whatever…..

    Oh, and for all those who’ve never filmed themselves but are tempted to try; proceed with caution. If you’re extremely body conscious be forewarned: The camera does make you look bigger…and don’t even get me started on seeing your own cum/sex faces…

          1. Listen F-O-R-E-V-E-R is a long time to have sex with one person. If in year one of marriage my man introduces his own strap on into the bedroom, throws me a half used bottle of lube, and assumes the position, I’ma have to tilt my head slowly to the right and question my life.

            But if after a few years, we’ve experimented, he’s enjoying the rim, rim, rims I’m giving him, he’s allowed me to milk that prostate, and wants to graduate to something with a lil more substance, so be it. This isn’t sh!t you do with errrybody, the freak flag IMO is for husbands or trustworthy long term relationships. If I had one doubt that he was ghey, he wouldn’t be my husband.

            *straps up* now get over here, I don’t like that eLip you’ve been giving me, don’t run now! Don’t run now!

              1. Girl, I’m high of this new found Twittah freedom, come get you some! *puff, puff….* Well? You gonna take it?

                I just gotta change my pic, this level of oversharing requires an obscured face for plausible deniability!!

              2. Yes BP you need to get your ass on Twitter as well. I know you gave me some flimsy reason last week for not being on it, but I need you to get over it.

                The overworld has spoken.

                1. Girl I broke quicker than a hymen after two 4Lokos, an ecstasy tab, and Maxwell’s “Sumthin Sumthin”…but I’m not regretting it…just keeping it anonymous and small. #Favre.

  6. I’ve only experienced number 1 on Max’s list. There is a lot I have yet to experience. I thought I was going to be a unicorn virgin until I got married…

    My list:
    1. I want to make love, no not phuc… in the warm rain like they do in the movies.#romantic
    2. Use body edible body paint/whipped cream. My cougar aunties were telling me about the fun in using those that last weekend.
    3. The “slip and slide”. I read about this in LL Cool J’s tell all book years ago. He would take down shower curtains in hotel rooms and lather him, his lover and the curtain with baby oil and then thronx…like rabbits sounds fun.

    I think I have more…I may have to come back.

    1. I guess LL regularly stays in a higher caliber of hotel than I use, but really? Hotel shower curtains? It sounds wicked in theory, but in practice I might be too much of a germaphobe for that one…

        1. No, no, no…I just…in order for it to be a fantasy for me, we couldn’t be cheating on his wife…I’m a prude like that…so in my fantasies I gotta kill em off or have em be divorced, lol #DougHeffernan

  7. I want to make a movie.. I’m an exhibitionist by nature.. Of Course, I would keep the tape because you know, Kim K could get away with it being leaked, but I can’t.. But honestly, I think the fact that I’m being filmed would make that session oh so lovely..

    I can’t really think of much else. Although I will say that head from behind is the only thing I miss about my ex. It’s the best way to be woken up out of sleep. It’s a d*mn nice angle..

    1. I could…but there’s a little too much “Starita you’re the greatest” going on around here lately. I started this blog so I could get attention, not provide a forum for you to get it! That’s why I’m about to block your ass.

      No problem. I’ll release you right now.

      1. LOL, Well girl on girl action is something I fantasize about too and have never really done Max, sooo maybe we can share the spotlight… *bats eyelashes*

        It’s your world Love, I’m just living in it. :-)

            1. It’s literally my go to spot. I’m not a fan of their search program, but I can usually find something to engorge the grey and pink matter. It’s way more about the story for me than the actual ins and outs…unless it’s something fantastic, most p0rn is the same three moves rewarmed and served over and over… If someone could find me a site that is dedicated to dirty talk, I would gladly give them a Hamburger next Tuesday. And don’t just say Wesley Pipes…he’s alright, but a lil forced IMO, you don’t have to talk the whoooole time, but when you do, be explicit and forceful. I do like his attitude, but his words are a bit…uh, how you say…Wacka Flaka-ish for my taste. (Oh now I’ma highbrow p0rn critic!? LMAO!)

              The actors words are usually what does it for me…I’m a scenario and dirty talk type of gal. This one were a dentist took advantage of his patient…those are the ones that I remember…and ladies, I know you’re a porn star, but I’ma need a lil resistant, play the role for a MINUTE at least. Of course these are mostly made for men, and I’m sure hard to get is not what ya’ll are looking for in the flicks…but it’s a coercion piece-be coerced lady!

              *opens up web browser starts typing http://www.liter...*

  8. I feel like if you are not taping your sex then you are doing yourself a disservice. Real talk think about it this way, professional tape themselves. Follow me:

    1. Tape yourself and review the game film with your significant other, or by yourself. Take a look at patterns or things you might have missed because you were in the game.

    2. Get a whiteboard for the bedroom. Use visual aids to talk about better ways to improve. New positions to try. A list of things to do or quick reminders.

    3. Take photographs. Use of still photos can help you to improve your posture and reveal weakness that were overlooked. This is the best way to show your significant other that, “Why you always look so mean we having sex” face.

    If you can implement these things into your bedroom activities, your sex ratings will be sky high. Trust me, I want to be the best I can be in the bedroom so I put a lot of hardwork into it. I approach it like it’s my job. Gotta have meetings, watch game film, practice, and perform on gamedays like it’s the last time you’ll ever do it.

    1. Ooh, I forgot about that one Streetz! My ex-fiance tried to coerce me into doing it on a trip back from Belize. But I tend to be loud. #chicken

  9. you’ve never gotten ate out from behind? you’re losing. big time. no toe sucking either. another loss for you. smh. and here i thought.

    either way. what haven’t i ever done without being too out there:

    1. anal- it probably won’t happen until i get married at this point.
    2. facials- i wouldn’t dare ask a woman to let me do that. and i’ve yet to be with a woman who asked for it. so here i am.
    3. threesomes- this would probably rank high on my list but the circumstances would have to be right. i’m good on that triz stuff btw.

    i think that’s it for things that i would actually consider. *shrug*

    1. Honestly I didn’t even know head from behind even existed until I wrote that post about cunnilingus…I feel so left out of life! No wonder I don’t care for head.

      And I have had my toes sucked, it’s just been a REALLY long time.

  10. Wait… when you said head from behind… I thought you meant you never sucked the peen from behind. Cuz you’re still missing out.

      1. You don’t fail lmao. I just didn’t know what you meant. You have time. Upside down with your head hanging off the bed while you’re at it. And uh.. wait. No more oversharing. Toodles.

        1. The last time I did anything upside down with my head hanging off the bed I fainted. That was the third time I fainted during sex. I’m done.

  11. I’ve only done #1…head from behind…while bending over to the front and touching your toes is nothing short of glorious

    I’ve never done anal either

    I could rock w/ some bondage…and I’d be down to do a strip tease. In fact I already have some song picked out if that day shall ever come.

          1. Yeah isn’t it sad when you become used to someone being around and they suddenly and inexplicably fall off? It stings a bit doesn’t it?

          2. *group hug*

            cops feels on CheeKZ

            Awww, thanks Ladies and Cheekz…I’s feel loved

            @Cheekz, I’m gonna try and get back on my blog grind next week. Just didn’t have the time this week.

            1. You are SO loved! Glad to see your back…sorry for you loss. I guess if I was on Twitter I would be in the loop huh? #feelingthepeerpressure

  12. I also have not experienced two on this list, and imagine I will get around to them (if I ever get the privilege of find a human being I want to be naked with again).

    Let me cosign the mile high club though. I feel like I should have been in this club a long time ago.

      1. Of course I have…after 18 years there isn’t much left to do but I will tell you that I’ve never done a dirty sanchez (the thought of it made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit).

        I’ve never added in other people (although that did almost happen once when company stayed over when the kids were down south) I backed out at the last minute.

        As far as DP is concerned, well with a toy yes…but never with a live person.

        I do know that 1x we were making love and I stuck my finger in his ass and when we were finished he said “if you ever do that again I’m going to punch you in the face!” (hehehehehe) I was DYING laughing…so needless to say we left that alone.

        Guess that’s about it tho….

        1. “he said “if you ever do that again I’m going to punch you in the face!”


          I love your husband. In a non-skeevy way.

          1. Thanks Max, he’s always been a straight up type of guy…he says what he has to say and you take it however you like. LOL.

            1. I am notorious for threatening to punch people in their face as in “if you cum in my mouth I will punch you in your face so anyone else who does it is a friend of mine.

              1. *Waving* Hey Redlady!!! Good to see you 😀

                Max! You don’t drink the milk…what about your protien intake? That’s my girl…that’s why I love you so!

              2. cracking up at someone else who threatens to punch in the face! Too funny! Another good one is tossing white tic tacs onto the floor and saying “those will be your teeth if you try that again!” *wink*

              3. *fainted* at the prop comedy! You know you’re just a tablespoon TOO MURCH RedLady! lol

                Max, any good dentist will tell you to gargle look at me frontin like I’ve done it to more than one dude, lol – but his shit??? HIS SHIT?? I’d cook with it. *dead serious* COOK WITH IT, YOU HEAR ME! Mmmmm.

  13. This is me reading all the comments right now

    *jaw hanging open* *laughing my ass off*

    p.s. bondage – silk scarves makes it more interesting… erm, so I’ve heard.


  14. There is no universal rule for sexual acts that would deem a human unfit for marital assignment. I’m not going to let you blow your load on my face or put it in the back door unless we are exclusive. It’s a shame some people it’s a deal breaker when a partner tells them they want to get tied up and have every orifice masterfully violated. There should be a business card you can pull out at that moment and hand them like “oh no, I don’t do that, try this guy I hear he’s great” to break the tension.

    1. Thing is…the right man, commanding asking me the right way…could get me to do d@mn near anything…and I think that’s true of most people.

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