It is a truism of the life of any single woman that you are going to encounter a few assholes on your journey to wifehood. And if you're anything like me, assholes are the only thing you're gonna encounter. If you're one of the 0.02% of women who make good relationship choices, when you encounter an asshole you run in the opposite direction before any harm can come to you. The rest of us will probably deal with no fewer than 6 assholes between the ages of 18 and 35.
Battling an asshole is no easy task and – as with most things in life – the only way we have a chance of succeeding is to know our enemy. So let’s take a moment to examine the various types of asshole that are running amok in the world.
1. Garden variety asshole
This is the asshole who has the nerve to grab your ladyparts in a public place and then get angry and unfollow you on twitter when you curse his ass out (yes that’s a true story). This guy has no class and no behaviour and probably only one redeeming quality, if that. This is the easiest asshole to deal with because everything about him is so distasteful that all you can do is run in the other direction when you see him.
2. Clueless asshole
This is the asshole who doesn’t think he’s an asshole. Despite his jackass ways you’ll date him for years and years and forgive
him for washing his balls in your sink his every egregious offence because you know he doesn’t know he’s being a prick. Because this guy is clueless about the effects of his shitty behaviour, he’ll #swindle you into thinking he’s a decent guy. However, the fact is that the reason he doesn’t realize what impact his shit has on other people is that he never thinks about other people. So it’s not that he was setting out to hurt you when he got drunk and crashed at his ex-girl’s house after a bachelor party, it’s that he wasn’t thinking of you at all when he did it. Which is why he’s an asshole.
3. Evil asshole
The evil asshole is similar to the garden variety asshole in that he’s wicked and despicable but his assholey tactics are a little more evolved. This guy’s mission on earth is to cause hurt and pain to at least 60% of the people he comes across and God help whatever woman who falls in love with him. He’s not going to do anything as basic and common as just cheating on you; this is the dude who will have an affair with and marry your mother behind your back and leave it to you to explain to her why you cannot stand to be in the same room with your new stepdaddy. He’s a bad bad guy.
5. Educated asshole
This guy is an asshole not so much because of what he does as because of what he says. He’s convinced he’s the only person to ever have a deep and complicated thought and therefore feels compelled to share every one he has with you. He’s obnoxious and condescending and his logic is either flawed or plagiarized. But trying to point that out to him is a waste of your time because he’ll obfuscate the issue with badly-used SAT words and dismissive phrases like “I’m not sure you can understand this because you don’t have an advanced degree”.
2. Charming asshole
Ah the charming asshole. My very favourite kind
and the one I’m always falling for. This is the kind of asshole who was created rather than born. This guy is so cute/funny/smart/well-dressed/fit that women everywhere – from his babysitters to his teachers to his aunties to his classmates – just want to give him every thing his little heart has ever desired. As a result, he has not only come to expect that he gets what he wants, but he knows exactly how to make you think it was your idea to give it to him. All he has to do is give you a little wink, a “we have a secret smile” or a really tight hug and you’re rushing to liquidate RRSP’s so he can get those Bettanin & Venturi Spat Boots he saw at Barney’s and will make you break your “no sending coochie through the mail” rule. Which in and of itself is not such a bad thing. The trouble with the charming asshole is that he’s so used to women jumping through hoops for him that he accepts it as a given when you do it too. So you won’t get any heartfelt expressions of gratitude for the shit you do for this guy; nor will he feel in any way beholden to you for all youv’e done for him. So you start doing the most to dazzle this guy which cannot be done and before you even come close he’s moved on to charm the pants off his next victim.
So what do you guys think? Ladies do you know any of these assholes? Did I miss any? And my dear men – any of you recognize yourselves in this list? Speak on it in the comments.