Several Shades of Asshole

08
Nov
2010
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It is a truism of the life of any single woman that you are going to encounter a few assholes on your journey to wifehood. And if you're anything like me, assholes are the only thing you're gonna encounter. If you're one of the 0.02% of women who make good relationship choices, when you encounter an asshole you run in the opposite direction before any harm can come to you. The rest of us will probably deal with no fewer than 6 assholes between the ages of 18 and 35.


Battling an asshole is no easy task and – as with most things in life – the only way we have a chance of succeeding is to know our enemy. So let’s take a moment to examine the various types of asshole that are running amok in the world.

1. Garden variety asshole

This is the asshole who has the nerve to grab your ladyparts in a public place and then get angry and unfollow you on twitter when you curse his ass out (yes that’s a true story).  This guy has no class and no behaviour and probably only one redeeming quality, if that. This is the easiest asshole to deal with because everything about him is so distasteful that all you can do is run in the other direction when you see him.

2. Clueless asshole

This is the asshole who doesn’t think he’s an asshole. Despite his jackass ways you’ll date him for years and years and forgive him for washing his balls in your sink his every egregious offence because you know he doesn’t know he’s being a prick. Because this guy is clueless about the effects of his shitty behaviour, he’ll #swindle you into thinking he’s a decent guy. However,  the fact is that the reason he doesn’t realize what impact his shit has on other people is that he never thinks about other people. So it’s not that he was setting out to hurt you when he got drunk and crashed at his ex-girl’s house after a bachelor party, it’s that he wasn’t thinking of you at all when he did it. Which is why he’s an asshole.

3. Evil asshole

The evil asshole is similar to the garden variety asshole in that he’s wicked and despicable but his assholey tactics are a little more evolved.  This guy’s mission on earth is to cause hurt and pain to at least 60% of the people he comes across and God help whatever woman who falls in love with him. He’s not going to do anything as basic and common as just cheating on you; this is the dude who will have an affair with and marry your mother behind your back and leave it to you to explain to her why you cannot stand to be in the same room with your new stepdaddy. He’s a bad bad guy.

5. Educated asshole

This guy is an asshole not so much because of what he does as because of what he says. He’s convinced he’s the only person to ever have a deep and complicated thought and therefore feels compelled to share every one he has with you. He’s obnoxious and condescending and his logic is either flawed or plagiarized. But trying to point that out to him is a waste of your time because he’ll obfuscate the issue with badly-used SAT words and dismissive phrases like “I’m not sure you can understand this because you don’t have an advanced degree”.

2. Charming asshole

Ah the charming asshole. My very favourite kind and the one I’m always falling for. This is the kind of asshole who was created rather than born. This guy is so cute/funny/smart/well-dressed/fit that women everywhere – from his babysitters to his teachers to his aunties to his classmates – just want to give him every thing his little heart has ever desired. As a result, he has not only come to expect that he gets what he wants, but he knows exactly how to make you think it was your idea to give it to him. All he has to do is give you a little wink, a “we have a secret smile” or a really tight hug and you’re rushing to liquidate RRSP’s so he can get those Bettanin & Venturi Spat Boots he saw at Barney’s and will make you break your “no sending coochie through the mail” rule. Which in and of itself is not such a bad thing. The trouble with the charming asshole is that he’s so used to women jumping through hoops for him that he accepts it as a given when you do it too. So you won’t get any heartfelt expressions of gratitude for the shit you do for this guy; nor will he feel in any way beholden to you for all youv’e done for him.  So you start doing the most to dazzle this guy which cannot be done and before you even come close he’s moved on to charm the pants off his next victim.

So what do you guys think? Ladies do you know any of these assholes? Did I miss any? And my dear men – any of you recognize yourselves in this list? Speak on it in the comments.


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17 Comments

  • Nick@Nite says:

    Ahh.. the educated a**hole..
    I had a guy that would call me with this. He soon realized that he came to the wrong chick looking for validity. I frankly told him, “you sound like an idiot with all those words.” Once he realized that I wasn’t biting, he fell off the radar. Ironically, he then told his friend, “I still don’t know why we’re not friends on Facebook.” Really guy, THIS is what you’re concerned about at 34 years old!? #GetALife

    The Peek A Boo A**hole
    This is the guy that has shown you that he’s an a**hole. You’ve spotted it and have fled in the other direction. Yet, the minute that you fall off the radar, he pops back up thinking that you two can be friends. That he’s changed. That he’s worthy of your friendship (or even more). Then something as simple as “calling when you’ll be late” happens (several times) and when you check him on it, it’s too much for him to handle. And you realize that he was still an a**hole and the “gummi berry juice” wore off.

    The A**hole in Denial
    This is the guy that you’ve told is an a**hole because you’ve seen right through his bull. You’ve logically broken it down to him, and because he can’t accept that his behavior is a**holey (because that makes him look bad) he’ll deny it. You usually have to go about this in a roundabout way. Like, tell him a story outlining things (that he did) but put another person’s name on it. THEN, when he says something like, “Nah, you shouldn’t be dealing with someone like that.” say “thank you” and hang up the phone. Because the person you just described was him. And you had to pull Jedi mind-ticks to get him to see it.
    I ain’t got that kinda time..

  • The educated asshole sounds like a old roommate of mine. His bitterness has always perplexed me. Women don’t have to worry about dating him though. His arrogance, jaded view of women, colorism issues(pointed inward), and slightly off-putting personality has him fumble the rock before he has the chance to take a woman down through there. He complained to me about “Black Girls Rock” and “For Colored Girls”. I told him to saddown and:

    If you go into the process thinking you will only encounter gold diggers and idiots, that is all you will get. When it comes to love the most important thing is to avoid being jaded. Once that happens you will end up chasing ghosts of girlfriends past.

    Divorces mess up Black kid’s head too.

  • Fake-Ass Hole

    He thinks he’s an asshole but he’s not. He tries very hard to do asshole things and they never workout for him. So he ends up just being confused. Women date assholes, but they never date a fakeass hole because he’s totally wack. A woman can date an asshole because she knows he’s being himself, a nice guy posing as an asshole is just gonna finish absolutely LAST.

  • BP says:

    I have fallen for the charming a-hole time and time again. Why?!?!?!??! *looking up towards sky with arms stretched upward*

    I think it is the appeal of having a man that I can’t tame? However, like I stated on your blog before Max, I won’t be fooled againhopefully!

  • CHeeKZHole says:

    This is like the third post in a row where I thought everyone was talking about me.

    Either I’m the insecure @$$hole or I need to make new e-friends.

  • LaLaBakir says:

    I know the clueless asshole for sure.

    I also feel like I know a Voltron asshole comprising of charming, educated and clueless.

  • streetztalk says:

    Dead @ Voltron asshole.

    :”And I will form the head”

    I could see people thinking im a charming asshole, lol… but Im def not. Death to stereotypes!

  • Diggame says:

    hahahah!! What if a man is a mixture of all of them?? LOL!!

  • funms says:

    I have dated the charming asshole and the clueless asshole….

    they are so easy to fall for…..each time i keep telling myself no more assholes but….

  • Land Shark says:

    How about the seperated but STILL MARRIED ASSHOLE

    Boy this one gets away with running around screwing everything that walks for years and still his mommy wife takes him back! I am so disgusted I feel like I got screwed by both of them! Sick assholes wont divorce each other but they refuse to stay with each other. They just run around screwing other people and putting them through misery while holding each other on a back burner. I think the male version of this asshole is a direct descendent of the CHARMER ASSHOLE! Never mind I know he is! Hes in prison telling me that hes divorcing his wife for me finally I have been hearing that for the past 3 f*****g years.The last time I was with the charmer asshole he left me and his heart was so broken over me he had to go live with an 18 yr old and screw her to make himself feel better. Wich makes him the we are the same age but your to old for me pervert cradle robbing asshole. Did I mention mommy wife is ten tears older than him maybe they had some sick deal like Ashton Kusher and Demi Moore YUK!

  • Patty says:

    There is also the ” I know I sound like an asshole” asshole or the “conscientious” “self-reflexive” asshole who thinks that he’s doing something really good like telling you in advance that he’s not leading you on (but who HAS in fact up to that point led you on). This asshole is also a mixture of the above (clueless comes to mind).

    Also, there is the “nutcase” asshole who has mental health issues but who refuses to do something about them (like get them under control). He seems to think that his issues are his to revel in and don’t affect anyone else he comes in contact with. It’s pointless to try to point out to this asshole that its his responsibility to get help in order to be able to treat others in a heathy fashion. He’s in denial and an island onto himself.

    Amazing post above.


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