Bad Bedroom Moves for Men

05
Nov
2010
no-sex

A couple of weeks ago I schooled the ladies on shit they shouldn’t be pulling in the bedroom. Men now it’s your turn. 1. The Jackhammer Okay really – WHY do you guys do this? Why? Are you trying to pound the woman straight through the mattress so she ends up on the floor under [...]


A couple of weeks ago I schooled the ladies on shit they shouldn’t be pulling in the bedroom. Men now it’s your turn.

1. The Jackhammer

Okay really – WHY do you guys do this? Why? Are you trying to pound the woman straight through the mattress so she ends up on the floor under the bed? Do you consider it a testament to your manhood to give your woman a UTI? Did your mother not hug you enough? Actually you know what? I don’t care what your reason is, do not do this. Find some other way to work out your misogyny issues.

3. Taking liberties

Now you guys know I’m a big fan of the um, less gentle sex acts. But like I already told you, there’s a time and a place for this shit. When a girl is into this stuff, it’s hot. When she’s not and you know she’s not and you do it anyway, you’re an asshole. And a borderline rapist. And officially bad in bed.

2. Make her orgasm your personal quest.

Dudes. It doesn’t always happen. It’s not always because of you. Don’t embark on a one-man mission to drag me kicking and screaming to the summit. Chafing is the opposite of a turn on.

4. Unauthorized Rear Entry

We have already been over the details involved with a woman granting rear-entry access. It’s a process and and usually comes after a lot of drinking lube expensive gifts careful consideration. Therefore I forbid you to attempt to just shove your manpiece in there all willy nilly without getting express permission from her. It’s not hot.

5. Cry

Yeah it’s not cute when you do it either.

6. Attempt to establish ownership.

Even if the pussy is yours, asking “whose pussy is this” does not always achieve the desired result. Some uptight misguided women really don’t like this question. So if you ask the wrong woman and her response is “Oh, you don’t know him.” (© @NicknotNikki) don’t get your feelings hurt or lose your wood. I warned you.

7. Write cheques your dick can’t cash

Just about every woman I know has fallen victim to this #swindle. This is when my dudes meet a woman, establish a mutal desire to bone, and start to engage in a little pre-coital talk. Your talk about how you’re gonna put it on her all night and make her scream your name, coupled with references to the largesse of your equipment has her open like a clam shell. Until showtime comes and you’re a two-stroke wonder who made her yawn and who is packing little more than a #2 pencil worn down to the nub. You fail at life. And fucking.

And that’s my list of sexual faux pas for men, what say you all? Ladies are you okay with any of this stuff? Men are you guilty of it? Overshare in the comments.


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42 Comments

  • Even if the pussy is yours, asking “whose pussy is this” does not always achieve the desired result

    iDIED at the Nick reference. I swear, I hope I don’t use that is ever asked, “Whose is this?” “Oh you don’t know him.”

    You’re right abt the orgasms. They really don’t happen all the time. s/o to the women that it does happen to. I feel like they’re lying just lucky.

    I’ve been swindled by a pencil before. that nigga just doesn’t count in my numbers *sukishrug*

    You and this unauthorized @ss entry. Lol

    Jackhammers. Rabbit f*ckers. I hate em. They can eat a fat one.

    Max, do I have to tell you this is a great post even if you reminded me of s*x and I’m trying to forget? (bawls)?

  • Nick@Nite says:

    #7 I’ve been swindled, hoodwinked, and bamboozled.. There’s dudes out there that would love to believe that they can make me call them “Big Poppa” but how bout you hush up, under-sell the expectation, and make me confirm it for you..
    Proverb- the Rabbi that must praise himself has a congregation of one..
    translation: If you have to keep talking it, it must be because you’re the only one that believes it..

    I’ve been a victim of the jackrabbit sex.. “Bam Bam Bam” I hate every guy that thinks this is the move.

    It’s late and I have nothing to add.. although gimme a minute and I might have one..

  • BP says:

    MAX! This post is awesome!

    #6.? DEAD! You and Nick slay me!

    #1…I hate, detest, abhor jackhammer sex. If I wanted to be pounded out continuously I would request it have become a damn porn star. Save that for your Lacey Duvalle fantasies boo. #getoffme

    I would like to share a no-no….An ex always wanted me to drink his “milk”….like every.single.time. He was always telling me how beneficial it was for my health. Who does that? First of all, I eat PLENTY of protein and secondly my ring finger is bare. #GTFOHWTBS

  • Chexless says:

    Ooh! We get to add.

    8. Don’t pull out and spray where you please after asking where she wants it.

    How. Rude. What happened to my voice in our chexual pleasures?
    ——————————

    10. Don’t be unprepared. Have your safety word ready. “Stop” “slow down” “no” are not in my s*xual vocab when skins slap.

    Mine is “antidefibrillate“. You’ll know if I need a breather.
    ——————————

    9. Like Katt Williams said, “Know your stroke #.

    Please know your dismount # and when you have to reset. Whether it’s 4 (it’s happened), 12 or 137 (please let it be), PLEASE, I repeat, PLEASE know when to slow down that 3rd, 11th or 136th stroke before the last one and one of these looks:
    1) http://bit.ly/8XpQfH
    2) http://bit.ly/bm7qP0
    ——————————–

    (Unisex rule) 12. If you’re a habitual name shouter-outer, put a sock in it. Literally.

    I don’t wanna hear “Amanda” “Keisha” or “Bonquesha” when it’s just you and I, Suki.

    Okay Max. That’s all for now.

    • CHeeKZ Money says:

      See Suki I am with you.

      You say no doesn’t mean no and you are upheld as a chexual liberator. I say no doesn’t mean no and people call me a rapist.

      When you are in the right mind state, no means you don’t have control not stop. Big difference… one that can land a pimp in jail, but big difference nonetheless.

      As for the Kids being sprayed.

      Look … We are talking about children. They are very sensitive and emotionally still developing. They need to be enouraged to come out and play. Women need to create an inviting environment for my kids to land. They need to know that they are wanted. They’re pressence should be appreciated. Sure kids make mistakes and they may lay down someplace they are not suppose to. But instead of getting mad at the situation, why would you use it as a learning experience and pick them up and move them to where you originally wanted them.

      I take my children very seriously. very.

  • Capricorn says:

    #6. UGH. If he’s stroking correctly, HE WON’T NEED TO ASK. If he’s doing it for an ego stroke, the correct response is: “it’s mine. You are just borrowing it.”

    is there a reason why 2 and 3 are switched? Just asking.

    and this entire list has slain me.

  • Sam Sharpe says:

    #7 is such a serious fail and I think all ladies should take it as a warning sign. A man who’s gratuitously talking shit BEFORE he’s ever “put it on you” is riding for a fall….Any dude who’s a chronic #7 type ain’t worth shit. There’s a big difference between a little hot talks to get things going and a dude who’s trying to over compensate. Stay away from these guys…unless of course he’s your man or something and has a track record for turning you out…..

    • streetztalk says:

      Cosign this comment

      Also, sometimes women be asking for the jackhammer… I just give em the rocket launcher doe..

      **ducks**

    • CHeeKZ Money says:

      See I co-sign Sam and Streetz. But like you said .. sometimes a little talk is needed to get things started. I would prefer for everything to be a surprise because some of these reactions are priceless. But dirty talk is like my best pick up line (the times I don’t get slapped for talking reckless).

      And to be honest, I never know how many inches I am going to get when I reach into my pants.

  • thefabfoodie says:

    #7 had me RUNNING (literally) out of a guy’s house. I mean I could not put my clothes on FAST ENOUGH to get away from his weenie beenie. Coincidentally, therre was also some #1,3,2,6, and an attempt at #4 involved in the same experience – and he had the NERVE to keep using that warming KY on me – I thought my poor ladyparts were going to catch fire. THE WORST sexual experience EVER. EVER. I wouldn’t wish it on ANYONE. And he had the AUDACITY to talk BIG BUSINESS afterwards – like I wasn’t on point with mine. Sir, I needed a MAGNIFYING GLASS with 100x zoom to find your balls! If I could remember his name I would post it as a warning, but I’ve blocked out the entire experience as a symptom of post-traumatic stress.

  • I have a move called The Annexation of Puerto Rico that has never gone over well. The woman who adores that move, will get beau-coup points.

    Bad Move For Women:
    Snow-balling: If I wanted some jizz in my mouth, I would holla at Bishop Eddie Long.

  • jessiejess says:

    #7….. OMG!!! Max!
    The last thing any girl wants to do is add another notch to her belt for a big mouth that was not worth a dime!!!!!! When you talk like a “big d*ck throw it down motha funcker”, u better make me call out of work the next day. Other wise I’d rather re-organize my closet!!

    And I gotta add #8… Quiet cums.. Like, say something.. Moan something.. Scream Ninja!!! There is just a facial expression and dead silence, then I hear the condom filling up. Smh…

  • Starita34 says:

    My cardinal man sexual sin – being annoyed or bored.
    Hit me with an indignant, “Girl you don’t like being pissed on?? It’s 2010! You gotta get with the program!” or ::while I’m getting mine:: “You done yet? We good? How about now?” and no more fun will be had. Please exit the airplane, be sure to check the seat pocket and overhead bins for your belongings. Buh-bye.

    http://www.gifsoup.com/view/22274/randy-watson-o.gif

    Ya’ll are going to hate me, but I love the hard, pounding jack hammer.
    *runs away and hides*

    • max says:

      Starita you cannot possibly be trying to tell us that you want a man to climb up on you and pound the shit out of you non-stop with no regard to your pleasure or the health of your ladyparts. Please tell me that’s not what you’re saying.

      The jackhammer technique as part of a man’s overall repertoire is one thing. If that’s the only move he has it’s a problem.

      Oh and annoyed is a huge fail. HUGE fail. I had a dude once get annoyed because I was too um, aroused. He was worried about his sheets. For real?

      • thefabfoodie says:

        *covers my precious flower in shock* honneeeyyy….if you like I love it for you. But I will shut all sexy activities DOWN if you start jackhammering me like it’s supposed to “make me feel gooooddd”…like Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball. Uhh…no. What is the rush?

      • Starita34 says:

        “you want a man to climb up on you and pound the shit out of you” = Yes, PLEASE

        “non-stop with no regard to your pleasure or the health of your ladyparts” = HELL to the NAW!

        But that goes for any act. I don’t want you eating me out or kissing me “non-stop with no regard to my pleasure or the health of your ladyparts”

        But I think we agree anyway with your disclaimer “The jackhammer technique as part of a man’s overall repertoire is one thing. If that’s the only move he has it’s a problem.”

        I just like it rough. *shrug* Perhaps since I haven’t had the conventional sex, I’m really unqualified to speak on this one. But the BP? Go hard or go home.

  • Starita34 says:

    I love your Fridays Max :-) Effing Safety training trying to keep us apart! I say if you don’t know by now where to go in a fire…that’s just natural selection. Go AWAY from the fire simple bitch!

    Now let me address some of these comments.

  • Stephanie says:

    I cant find words to comment…. But i think this fit best…. damn do i love friday’s


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