The 5 e-Personalities of Men

03
Nov
2010
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Back when I schooled you on the joys and pains of the e-boo relationship, I forgot to include one crucial piece of the puzzle: knowing what type of e-man you're dealing with. Even more than in "real" life, working with the personality type of your e-boo is key to a successful e-relationship.


 

So without further ado I give you the 5 e-personalities of men.

3. The eInstigator

This guy’s outspokenness and unique point of view will draw you in. In any e-situation he’s guaranteed to say something that e-shocks you. He’s clearly at least a little insane, but he’s so completely honest and unselfconscious about his nuttiness that you can’t help being intrigued. You start e-flirting with him and he e-flirts back; and unlike other e-men on this list his interest is yours and yours alone. But as you get to know him all that vim and vigor he was displaying when you first notice him starts to slip away and you realize that he’s nothing but a big e-shit disturber. He says inflammatory things to get attention but at his core he’s just a regular dude with nothing terribly interesting to say. You’re e-disappointed and left out in the e-cold e-hugging yourself and e-crying wondering how it all went so e-wrong.

1. The eWhore

If there is such a thing as a thirsty man, this would be it. He e-loves with everyone with a deep and intense passion and flirts with anyone who pays him the slightest bit of attention. This man’s intense fascination with you is so alluring that you’ll be fantasizing about e-marrying him and having e-babies crawling all over the internets. Your conversations will be long and intense, there will be much passion and declarations of affection and the faux sex will be spectacular. Until the day you take more than 0.5 seconds to respond to his email and realize his e-interest has shifted onto another more available e-victim and you’re left out in the e-cold e-hugging yourself and e-crying wondering how it all went so e-wrong.

2. The Serial eMonogamist

Similar to the e-whore, the serial e-monogamist will be all up in your inbox. He’ll hit you up all the time and want to know everything about you and tell you everything about himself. Your e-conversations will be long and meandering and he’ll be equally enamoured with your mind and the pussy shots you’ve been sending him against my explicit advice. He will publicly e-declare his e-affection for you and coldy reject all the thirsty heaux who try to e-steal him from you. So intense is his fascination with you that you’ll  feel like you found someone with real-life potential. Especially because – unlike the e-whore – this man’s interest in you seems largely chaste. “He doesn’t just e-want me for my e-pussy, he respects my e-mind,” you’ll say to yourself like the e-fool you are. And you may be right. Trouble is, once the serial e-monogamist feels like he’s learned all he needs to know about you he’ll move on to his next victim. Next thing you know he’s publicly e-declaring his e-affection for her and rejecting your attempts to e-steal him back for yourself and you’ll be left out in the e-cold e-hugging yourself and e-crying wondering how it all went so e-wrong.

3. The eIncognegro

This is the dude who’s living his e-life minding his e-business when something he tweets or writes or posts sparks your interest. You become intrigued, you want to know more. You twittercreep him, hoping for a glimpse at his face so you can decide whether he’s attractive enough to warrant any further interest; only to find that his avatar is some stupid cartoon character. You scroll through the hundreds of pictures on his twitpic, hoping for something, anything that gives you more clues about him. When that fails, you search for him on Facebook, LinkedIn, even MySpace hoping for something that will confirm that he is e-destined to be the one for you. All to no avail. The e-Incognegro prides himself on not revealing any info online; the e-world is a means to an end for him and nothing more. He has a carefully constructed e-persona that drives the girls wild but he will never ever offer you a glimpse into his real self. That won’t stop you from e-loving him but it does guarantee you’ll get your e-feelings hurt eventually and you’ll be left out in the e-cold e-hugging yourself and e-crying wondering how it all went so e-wrong.

5. The eLine Dancer

Ah the e-line dancer. An e-asshole if there ever was one. This guy has the passion of the e-whore, the charm of the serial e-monogamist, and the comedy of the e-instigator. Trouble his, he has the same internet policy as the e-incognegro. So while he’ll do a little e-flirting, let you get a little closer to than anyone else, but in his mind there is a firm line that he is not willing to cross. He’ll have intense conversations with you about his childhood and the first time he got his dick sucked heart broken, but won’t tell you his real name or the industry he works in. And while he’ll get a little dirty and suggestive with you there will be no faux sex because this guy will shut you out just as your e-love is about to come down. In other words, this dude will lead you to the e-water but he won’t let you e-drink. Which leaves you thirsty and and left out in the e-cold e-hugging yourself and e-crying wondering how it all went so e-wrong.

So that’s my take on the e-personalities of men but what do you guys think? Do you recognize the well-known bloggers/commenters I used as examples for this post know anyone like this? Did I leave anything out? Speak on it in the comments.

Oh and if you’re wondering about the e-personality types of women, there are only two: thirsty, e-panty throwing heaux and normal women.


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24 Comments

  • LaLaBakir says:

    *5 snaps in a Z formation*

    Love, love, love this post Max!

    I’ve definitely seen these type of e-dudes around

  • average chick says:

    lol….This was entertaining and true. I see that alot on blogs. You need to mention one thing about the woman though. There are types that like to eAdvertise their body parts. Some will say “…. I have that same problem too because my butt is so big…”. I see that all the time.

  • jessiejess says:

    Totally fell for #1. SMH, needed this warning about a month ago… Lol

  • Alovelydai says:

    This post is awesome and yet I’m feeling a little left out in the e-cold e-hugging myself and e-crying wondering how it all went so e-wrong.

  • Sukez says:

    Since I don’t get into these kinds of things anymore, I can name one person for each of the guys described. But I shan’t.

    Great post Max :)

  • Starita34 says:

    You crack me up :-) Good stuff.

    I am the only one totally annoyed by the eInstigator…sometimes the things they type just make them sound severelymildly retarded. iCan’t with them. Keeping it real and being real dumb are two completely different things.

    Also I guess I’ll go ahead and claim “thirsty, e-panty throwing heaux” cause I won’t ever meet these fools men and the ones that have minds that turn me on, they can push my elovebuttons all day. I gotta mentally masturbate a good 5 times a day to stay sane.

    Doing eHoe activities, wit eHoe tendencies, eHoes are my eFriends, eHoes are my eEnemies, wit eHoe energy to do what I eDo, blew what I eblew, screw what I eScrew…

  • Nick@Nite says:

    Classic.. this post was real classic..

    and yes.. I recognize people in each and every one of these examples..
    *sigh*…

  • SaneN85 says:

    *nods head* I was naming folks as I was reading. I don’t think my e-boo falls into any of these though, so this also made me feel lucky. :)

  • I am not sure which of those categories if any I fall into. I have never done the full on E-Boo-thang, as a unicorn can’t have just one rider.

    This post was entertaining BTW.

  • This was hilarious and so very, very true. My favorite part was your repeated warning that with each e-boo type we”ll be “left out in the e-cold e-hugging yourself and e-crying wondering how it all went so e-wrong.” I died every time I read that part.

  • CHeeKZ Money says:

    Well …… I feel uncomfortable.

  • BP says:

    Oh Max, while my soul dies in this boring conference I have your blog to lift my spirits, thank you! I don’t have an e-boo maybe I should be
    more proactive?

  • Ronnie6676 says:

    Fell hook line and sinker for Mr. The Serial eMonogamist….oh why oh why didn’t I read this and e-boo relationships 6 weeks ago…damn damn damn…ahh well live and learn :)

  • RedLady821 says:

    Girl this is too funny. I’ve met just about all of these e-types but they’ve never left me e-crying or wondering how it went so e-wrong. I’ve got a little e-shit up my own sleeve to keep that from happening! GREAT POST! A nice way to end my e-vening! lol


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