Single by Choice Not by Chance

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If there’s anything that annoys a single, marriage-minded woman it’s a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Especially because these men are rarely able to coherently articulate their reasons for wanting to be single. Today we have a guest appearance from a determinedly-single man to make it a bit more clear. He’s not a blogger so be sure to show him lots of love (or hate, whatever) in the comments.

Dating now is nowhere as fun or exciting as it used to be. In my early 20’s, women were like unlimited cell phone usage; we could spend as much time together without going over our limits. Now I hear the infamous questions, “So what does this mean?”, “What’s my status?” Today, I may get two months tops; I call those hidden charges. Everyone wants to be Jack Bauer; we have to make it official within 24 hours or the world is over.

Life is a stage and I accept that I have a role to play. But I refuse to play the following roles any further:

The surgeon, he looks at the X-rays of the broken heart, surveys the damage and begins the repair.
Pros: Reconstructed to fit one’s needs, ability to clean out prior shrapnel, gives her a new lease on love.
Cons: Like real surgery, it can be messy and expensive, if reconstructed wrong it can leave permanent scars, and there is always the possibility that she flat lines during the procedure if her emotions cannot handle the stress.

The explorer, he doesn’t have a map or a clue where to begin. Why? Usually because he deals with the women who say, “You’re supposed to know.” You’re supposed to know when I’m happy, sad, hungry, and thirsty, in the mood and you’re supposed to know what I want, even when I don’t (A little extreme on the last one but effective).

Pros: He can claim her as his own, take full credit when he chooses correctly, always comes off as thoughtful.
Cons: He can be off by a mile and think he’s landed in the motherland (sexual reference); he constantly comes off as being inconsiderate because he doesn’t know what you’re thinking.

The Advertising Executive, he usually stays dressed from head to toe. At a drop of “his” dime, he will say to you, “See, if you were with me….” He presents himself as Ne-yo, both of them. The “One” and the smooth R&B dude. If you were a child, he would be that bright, shiny package that is meant to attract you.
Pros: He’s equipped to show off to your female friends, well-cultured and educated to stimulate your mind, arm candy, and good or staycations, vacadates, and company parties.
Cons: He comes off as a player, pretty boy, ladies man, he consistently hounds you or more time, and a bigger part in your life. (Hey! Look at me, I’m a great catch)

The Stunt Man, he may have the hardest job. He doubles as your close male friend, and pseudo boyfriend until the real one comes along again. Your family and friends all knows of him but he poses no real threat to your heart.
Pros: He’s guaranteed to be around for life, he knows you better than most, and he is extremely versatile.
Cons: He may never get out of the friendship box, he has to listen to you talk about other men and he does all the behind scenes stuff preparing you to go to the next man.

I’ve played all of these roles before and I wouldn’t change it if I could. Playing these roles helped shape me today. I must admit that I learned backwards. I knew what I didn’t want from a relationship before I knew what I did want. On paper, I’m a good catch. I have a job working on a degree, no kids, no priors, and debt free.

But I’m also pickier and less tolerant than I was a few years ago. I’m single now because I don’t have the energy to perform the task at hand; a relationship. I know what the job description consists of and I am unable to perform the required duties; mostly because of consideration purposes. For example, I like to get up and go when I feel like it and come home when I want to. Relationships rules state that you need to consult with your woman before making such decisions. And when I say up and go, I mean literally. I have a family member that works in the airline industry so I fly only paying airport taxes. Not saying I’m going to spread my seeds in every state. I do have friends and family I like to go visit. I’ve never been able to say I’ve give 100% in a relationship either. Why? I believe that is a number only my wife should receive. I have gone as high as 85%. While that number may sound like a gyp, to the party at hand, it’s more than enough to sustain a healthy relationship. The reasoning is that I need to give my wife something that I haven’t given to another woman. And since my virginity is no longer an option, giving her 100% is what I have chosen.

I keep it real and I don’t say things to purposely get in women’s panties; NO DREAMSELLER. I promised myself a long time ago that I would not enter a woman’s life if I could not add value to her life. I usually get ask a very valid question: What happens if you meet a good woman? Well, I have met good women and I’ve had to let them go or walk away, eventually. Until I go to Vegas, I’m not going to gamble that I’ll be ready for a relationship once it begins. Too many men are selfish and they try to keep the good woman while not being totally faithful or committed. They are afraid someone else will snatch her up; ANTOINE DOBSON. So they constantly mess up and then she wonders why he is so inconsistent? And yes, 9 out of 10 times it stings, when we reach the end of the road. Usually we are both upset. She is upset with me and herself because she could not change my mind/heart. I’m upset because she did not take my word as bond and I let her get too close. At the end of the day they’re Smurfs and I’m Gargamel. I’m the misunderstood/bad guy who can’t keep a Smurf and they are left feeling blue and three apples high.

Robert aka Romeo

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 10

  1. Wooo! BraVO!
    For example, I like to get up and go when I feel like it and come home when I want to. Relationships rules state that you need to consult with your woman before making such decisions. And when I say up and go, I mean literally. I have a family member that works in the airline industry so I fly only paying airport taxes. Not saying I’m going to spread my seeds in every state. I do have friends and family I like to go visit. I’ve never been able to say I’ve give 100% in a relationship either. Why? I believe that is a number only my wife should receive. I have gone as high as 85%. While that number may sound like a gyp, to the party at hand, it’s more than enough to sustain a healthy relationship. The reasoning is that I need to give my wife something that I haven’t given to another woman. And since my virginity is no longer an option, giving her 100% is what I have chosen.

    I think I laughed, e-cried, clapped, jumped and made my eyes smile by reading this. This was a great post. A great view on how some men may think. :) Thank you!

  2. LaLaBakir says:

    Great post! The world needs more dudes like you :)

  3. Good post Brethren, welcome to the blogsphere.

    I too have played many of the roles above, sometimes I’ve played them all at one time. I’ve always been pretty good at being who someone needs me to be, not necessarily who they want me to be. This has, at times lead to women desiring more from me than I’m willing to give during the duration of our relationship, but an appreciation for what I was to them, at that time, later on down the line. I’m cool with that.

    I did however decide to wrap it up and get married eventually. I think one small piece of advice I’d give you… you know… from one self-aware stranger to another… I’d say, when it comes to marriage… think of it selfishly. What you gotta realize is that, yes, the everyday duties of being a husband require a huge amount of selflessness, but, the actual decision to get married, and the reason you act selfless day in and day out is completely selfish. You need to find a woman who you’re sure will make you happy for the rest of your life and you make her yours. Once you make her yours… she’s yours. As a man possessed of the qualities you described above you can mold any woman, even a free spirit like say a… Max… into exactly what you need her to be over the years. The only trade off is… you just gotta keep her happy. It’s a fair exchange.

    So, all that to say, when you contemplate marriage or settling down, as you do above, don’t so much think about what you have to do for her. Think about what you need her to do for you, and what you’ll need to do to inspire her to do those things.

    1. LaLaBakir says:

      Interesting take…never thought of marriage from that perspective

  4. stephanie says:

    I really respect your honesty. It takes a strong person to admit publicly your true feelings regarding relationships… So congrats.
    I know a few folks that need to do a self inventory maybe they will come to peace with their past…. lets say I will be forwarding this post to a few ladies and gentlemen

  5. stephanie says:

    Also…. I need a female version of that tshirt…. That would start a whole different discussion among my circle.

  6. Alovelydai says:

    “I’m the misunderstood/bad guy who can’t keep a Smurf and they are left feeling blue and three apples high.”

    Wouldn’t you be the one left feeling blue (balls). LOL! J/K

    I LOOOOVVVVEEE an honest POV. Stay single by choice and for Gawd sakes do not settle down/get married just to avoid being the old man in the club. That’s just sad.

  7. William Templar says:

    My brother from another mother

  8. Starita34 says:

    Interesting post Robert. Thanks for the look inside.

    Most – I think that suggestion is a game changer…once a man embraces the reciprocal value of a committed relationship, they aren’t single for long it seems…it seems that there is a lot of (self imposed and otherwise) pressure on men to be a woman’s all and all. But in a good relationship, we’re both giving 100%…

  9. SaneN85 says:

    This was a great post, and I appreciate the insight. I love that you’re self-aware enough to be honest about why you aren’t in a relationship. That said, I would definitely pick up what Most is putting down because I’m sure one day you will be happily married. :)

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