Bad Bedroom Moves for Ladies

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There are few things in life that provide more opportunity for self-expression than sex. With the right combination of people, a simple “insert tab A into slot B” situation becomes a blank canvas for two or more people to make their marks on one another. And the fewer holds barred when it comes to chexy time, the better it can be.

That being said, there are certain things that should not ever take place during the act of thronxing. And while both genders are guilty of going rogue in the bedroom from time to time, today we’re focusing on the ladies and going over some things that a lady should never ever do when she’s sexing.

Ready? Let’s begin.

1. Unauthorized Rear Entry

I cannot tell you how many stories I have heard from slightly traumatized men about women ruining a perfectly good fuck by trying to insert something into a man’s asshole. Now I would never be so naive as to say that no straight man is into ass-play although I do kinda think that any straight man who is into it is probably not as straight as he thinks, this is not the kind of surprise ending men enjoy. So ladies, let me be clear: it is impolite to try to stick something into a man’s bumhole unless he asks you to.

2. Cry

I’m mad I even have to repeat myself when I already went over this, but in the immortal words of Father MC, girl I told you once and I don’t feel I should have to tell you anymore. It is not okay to cry during sex unless it’s because the shit is so good you can’t help it. Any other reason is automatic grounds to be banished from the man’s bed. And my blog if I find out you did it.

4. Ask Dumb Questions

While sex can serve many persons, it should not be a reconnaissance mission. When a man is three pumps from glory, it is not the time to be asking him if he loves you, if your pussy is the best he ever had, or if he’s going to get you that KitchenAid mixer he promised you unless a lie and a limp dick is what you’re looking for in life.

3. Dropping Names

I love to talk shit during sex as much as the next girl, but there are certain things that should remain unsaid. I don’t care if the two of you take a pause and start chit chatting about unrelated things, don’t get comfortable and think anything goes. Nothing causes coitus interruptus more quickly than mentioning one man’s name when a next man’s richard is inside you.

5. Mark territory that does not belong to you

Now we already discussed the concept of pissing in a circle, right? So I think you know how I feel about it. However, if you choose to mark your territory with scratch marks or hickeys that’s your business…if it’s your man, that is. If you’re taking a borrow, please refrain from doing childish shit like leaving evidence of your slackness behind; it’s unbecoming.

6. The starfish

There are many, many circumstances in which I would advise a woman to do nothing and let a man go to work, but sexy time is not one of them. If all you’re gonna do is lie there with your legs spread and do nothing more you’re officially a starfish (word to Sam Sharpe) and you’re failing at life. And fucking. I mean, it’s not like I can’t understand the singular joy of having the objet of your affection swoop in and run the show, but if you’re not even so much as moaning enthusiastically, you suck. Or I guess you don’t. But you should!

So that’s my list of sexual faux pas for ladies, what do you guys think? Ladies are you guilty of any of these egregious acts? I know I am. Men – your turn is coming soon but in the meantime tell me what you think of this list? Did I leave anything out? Remember – Fridays are for oversharing so tell me some good stories in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 14

  1. L Boogie says:

    Have I done anything on this list? I’m sure I have back in the day when I was young, I’m not a kid anymore…anyhoo, this list was spot on…I’m sure any man that experiences a chick doing any of these things will be sure to give the o___O face, especially with the unauthorized rear entry and the dumb questions…just shet ep and enjoy it! :-)

  2. Matthew J says:

    Mann.. That last point struck a cord with me.

    It reminded me of a horrible experience. A reallly boring f*ck.

    Damn was she boring…
    No positions, didn’t wanna get on top, running from the backshot, all talking foolishness throughout. What a waste of time.

    …smh

    Might as well stayed by my self with a scented candle and a bottle of vaseline intensive care- cocoa butter.
    – shit smells good..lol

    Am I wrong to need excitement in my bedroom, if you can climb from the ceiling and backflip onto the boy…. Be my guest. Why not?

    p.s.. My experience I donot feel in any way shape or form is a representation of a weak sex game rather poor partner selection.. #justsayin

    Great post!

  3. CHeeKZ Money says:

    With the fear of oversharing.. I’ll add please know your cycle. Its important to know when the red light turns green so we can cross the street safely.

  4. Sam Sharpe says:

    Maxie,

    Thanks for the shoutout….

    CHeeKz is onto something here, can’t believe it wasn’t on the list because a surprising number of women think it’s alright to treat a man’s duvet/comforter like one big fluffy maxi-pad. So, so, so not a good look…..

    1. max says:

      You guys are right. I can’t believe I missed that. I blame the fact that I’m on vacation and that I always have that situation under control.

    2. Sarah says:

      Posted on Hey, I just found you and your brilliant video! Love to cnonect with you Can you @reply me on twitter? @laurahames. definitely called for action! Laura xo

  5. Streetz says:

    #1 is immediate grounds for dismissal from my house, whether i drove you there or not! lmao

    1. CHeeKZ Money says:

      i wont let a woman touch my cheeks, let alone put a hand.in. just pause.

  6. jessiejess says:

    Do u know what ur man will agree to 3 pumps from glory???
    I’m just saying…

  7. Super Suki says:

    It’s Monday and I can’t think of anything for this post. :( I’ll be back..

  8. certainly like your web page and you need to check the particular punctuation with many of one’s blogposts. A few of them will be filled together with punctuation problems i locating that incredibly problematic in all honesty on the other hand Let me definitely arrive just as before once again.

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