Faux Sex


As much as I love the peen, I’m pretty selective about which ones I allow to play in my garden despite what you may have heard. This of course leads to droughts and you guys know how I feel about droughts, right?  We’ve already talked about my number one favourite activity for dealing with a dry spell, but there are other ways to cope with an empty sugar bowl if the solitary aspect of masturbation gets you down.

Enter faux sex. This is a term I just made up to encompass the twin joys of e-sex and phone sex.  Let me tell you something: if you are not participating in these activities, you are missing out. And judging from the skeptical comments, texts, and tweets I received after this post in which I mentioned that great gchat sex > good real-life sex, a lot of you are not experiencing the singular joy of faux fucking.

Picture this: it’s a rainy Tuesday afternoon and you’re stuck in a meeting with a bunch of people you don’t like talking about some shit that doesn’t matter. Desperate for something to take you away from it all, you glance down at your phone and see you have a new text message. You open it and read “I can’t wait to suck your ____ while you ____ me”. Didn’t your meeting just get a lot more interesting?

Or better yet. It’s a quiet Friday afternoon and you are happily gchatting with your e-boo when the conversation suddenly takes a turn for the smutty. Next thing you know  you’re bent over the ____ with his _____ in your _____….and you haven’t even left your desk. Your Friday just got a whole lot nastier didn’t it?

And best of all, you’re out with your friends at some weak party wishing you’d stayed home and watched The L Word on DVD. You take out your phone looking for something to entertain you and notice you have a new email. Imagine your delight when you open and and find a picture of your favourite penis just smiling and saying hi. The wackness of that party stopped mattering didn’t it?

I’m telling you people, e-sex gives life!

Maybe it’s because I swoon for words in general, but to me there is not much hotter than a written account of what a man is planning to do to me, and if it comes with visuals that’s an instant score (Gentlemen, please don’t pay attention to Streetz’s post yesterday about not sending your Richard through the mail).  And the two best things about it are 1) you can get down and dirty in a room full of people and no one is the wiser, thus fulfilling your favourite exhibitionist fantasy without risking your boobies being seen by the wrong person. 2)You have a written record of the whole thing so the next time you’re feeling a little randy you can just open it up and deal with the case. What could be better than that?

You know what’s better than that? Phone sex. If you are not having phone sex….I don’t even know what to tell you. If I knew about phone sex back when I was with Snickers, that story would have ended very differently. I’m telling you, there are very few things in life that will get you revved up better than the right partner over the phone telling you in exquisite detail exactly what would be happening if he was fucking you at that moment. Seriously, seriously hot.  Seriously. If you can’t have the real thing, a conversation that starts with “so what are you wearing” and ends with a screaming O is a great substitute. Trust me. If you haven’t done this, I’m telling you you must try it. But be careful though because it’s really easy to get strung out on phone sex. Trust me.

But what do you guys think? Are you participating in email/gchat/BBM/phone/Skype sex or is it just me? What are your favourite ways of getting through droughts? It’s Friday – overshare in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 29

  1. Sukez says:

    Max. Max. Max. I can’t tell on myself here today because I’ve actually stopped the phone sex/e-sex life. I haven’t had phone sex for about 5 years. When I first heard of it, I was in high school and it was the innocent thing to do while your lady flower was still under surveillance and closed. After the real skin slapping happened, phone sex and its importance died out. E-sex is cool and all. Get turned on and then that imaginary O that should really be all over his face and lap happening isn’t.

    Maybe I need an e-boo to make it happen.

    Kudos Max. Your level of Perv never ever ceases to amaze me. Perv recognizes Perv.

  2. Nick@Nite says:

    Mutha effin sigh..

    I’m not gonna lie.. I recently had my phone sex flower taken.. It wasn’t bad, but we all know how I feel about a phone call that doesn’t end with “I’ll be there in 5 minutes, have you screaming in 10.” It’s a #Fail in my book..
    I do like good talks though.. Although I have yet to graduate to g-chat sex status, I wouldn’t shut it down if it happened.. I wouldn’t mind it at all..
    It does help get through a boring day..

    1. CHeeKZ Money says:

      whoa whoa whoa…

      phone chex for Miss Non Nail Painter. Looking at you making progess. Max is rubbing off on you.

      1. max says:

        I know right? I’m so proud of my little Nickerz. I’ll make a wanton sex goddess out of her yet!

      2. fixedwater says:

        She’ll be painting those nails yet, watch. Baby steps.

    2. Nick@Nite says:

      Oh Mah Goodness..

      to the two of you! Lol..

      Is it bad that I hardly remember it? Poor thing..

    3. fixedwater says:


  3. Reecie says:

    good post. I’m not a phone sex person, but I do enjoy some sexting–with a good pic attached for visual stimulus, lol. It could be like you said, I swoon for words. still not better than the real thing to me, but its cool…

  4. Sam Sharpe says:

    Gotta admit, I haven’t and don’t think I can do the g-chat thing. Between my 9 to 5 and some freelance work, I’m on a computer all day. Sometimes I need a break and I just can’t see me working my fingers…unless it’s the real thing. Now, maybe a little skype action could hype up that game but that hasn’t been added to my oeuvre just yet…..

    …Now phone sex gets a big thumbs up from me. I’m of the mind that if you don’t like it you ain’t doing right…..

    …oh and Max, under no circumstances would I be emailing/texting my right hand man to a lady. Hell, I don’t even write love letters (that’s strictly a wifey move)…..

    1. max says:

      Sam Sharpe you do surprise me. It’s not often that I hear you unilaterally refuse to do something secksy.

      1. Sam Sharpe says:

        What surprises you exactly? The relative disinterest in the g-chat thing or the refusal to send pics….Cause y’know, maybe I could do those things for the right person (still not convinced about the whole pics thing)

        1. max says:

          The refusal to send pics…not that I can’t understand your disinclination to do it; just because it’s rare for you to say unequivocally that you won’t do something.

  5. MsEsquire77 says:

    This post made me giggle and I co-sign everything except the silly assertion that faux sex is better than actual sex. That’s just crazy talk!

    Sidebar: Please tell me that you took the pic for the post yourself! Pure comedy!

    1. max says:

      Hahaha no I didn’t take that picture…it’s amazing what you can find on Google Images, I swear.

  6. CHeeKZ Money says:

    I don’t think the real deal beats faux chex EVERYTIME.

    It all depends on your partner. If all you are having is plan missionary boring slow poke chex with someone I think it would be nice to get a change of pace to hear that person in a different lite. You would discover a different level of their chexuality by listening to them and making them express their thoughts. Plus you can throw out some WILD stuff over a txt message that you can’t really say in the act. Phone chex is probably the safest place to discuss condomless chex. God knows we all love the feel of wet wall to hard skin.

    Plus I would rather have faux chex with a person I have a mental connection with that real chex with some hoodrat. When you are into someone’s personality phone chex with them is some much better than a one night stands or your regular booty call. So there are some instances when faux is better than real.

    1. Reecie says:

      this is true. good points.

    2. max says:

      Cheekz nailed it. Pause.

      Phone sex is hawt because you can talk about some truly grimy shit that you would never admit to do in real life. And when you have it with someone with whom you have a connection, it’s way better than a random beat.

  7. Streetz says:


    You gonna have dudes Shlongin thru text. Im not a hater though!

    Skyping >>>>> though I will give you that!

    Dont forget to check Maxie on SBM today too. 🙂

  8. ahhh yes. e-sex. i’ve done it. i do it. i’ve sent pics. i’ve received pics. it’s all foreplay to me. then when you get to said person you get to do all the nasty things that were proposed through text/bbm/gchat/skype. lol

  9. I’ve done the faux, e-sex thing. Good shit. lol. Phone sex is good, but I prefer the written word. Then I can go back and read your nasty thoughts anytime I want. I don’t gchat at work. As soon as the gchat seems to be going in a dirty direction, I switch to text of BBM.

    Skype/iChat video, all good. My friend and I used to e-sex all the time before we actually got together. And when we got together, no words needed to be spoken. We knew each other very, very well.

    I still prefer the real thing, but since I’m single with no supply of the good stuff, e-sex works.

  10. You get a gold star and a ribbon for this post. Hooray for e-sex, gchat sex, sexting, and every combination in between!! Droughts are the devil’s playground, so faux-sex does indeed save lives. That is all. hee, hee

  11. Dash says:

    I have never got it on in a gchat session. Mostly because I have only recently became a gmail convert. Phone sex can be epic. I often surprise myself with my scenarios.

  12. keisha brown says:

    ah.. if skype/im etc..had been around in my hayday…
    rogers/fido/virginmobile wouldnt love me as much as they did/do.. but alas..

    i have a phD in ldr’s: so all methods of communication have been used to my full advantage (why oh why did i get rid of my webcam tho?? lol).

    its only so good for so long, so use in moderation. and at a proper elevation pace…it starts with chat..skype…phone..next thing you know.. you are flying to fl in hurricane season.
    oh wait..
    just me?

    *runs to reactivate skype acct..

    1. max says:

      Hahahaha I told you that post is sooooo me!

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