As much as I love the peen, I’m pretty selective about which ones I allow to play in my garden
despite what you may have heard. This of course leads to droughts and you guys know how I feel about droughts, right? We’ve already talked about my number one favourite activity for dealing with a dry spell, but there are other ways to cope with an empty sugar bowl if the solitary aspect of masturbation gets you down.
Enter faux sex. This is a term I just made up to encompass the twin joys of e-sex and phone sex. Let me tell you something: if you are not participating in these activities, you are missing out. And judging from the skeptical comments, texts, and tweets I received after this post in which I mentioned that great gchat sex > good real-life sex, a lot of you are not experiencing the singular joy of faux fucking.
Picture this: it’s a rainy Tuesday afternoon and you’re stuck in a meeting with a bunch of people you don’t like talking about some shit that doesn’t matter. Desperate for something to take you away from it all, you glance down at your phone and see you have a new text message. You open it and read “I can’t wait to suck your ____ while you ____ me”. Didn’t your meeting just get a lot more interesting?
Or better yet. It’s a quiet Friday afternoon and you are happily gchatting with your e-boo when the conversation suddenly takes a turn for the smutty. Next thing you know you’re bent over the ____ with his _____ in your _____….and you haven’t even left your desk. Your Friday just got a whole lot nastier didn’t it?
And best of all, you’re out with your friends at some weak party wishing you’d stayed home and watched The L Word on DVD. You take out your phone looking for something to entertain you and notice you have a new email. Imagine your delight when you open and and find a picture of your favourite penis just smiling and saying hi. The wackness of that party stopped mattering didn’t it?
I’m telling you people, e-sex gives life!
Maybe it’s because I swoon for words in general, but to me there is not much hotter than a written account of what a man is planning to do to me, and if it comes with visuals that’s an instant score (Gentlemen, please don’t pay attention to Streetz’s post yesterday about not sending your Richard through the mail). And the two best things about it are 1) you can get down and dirty in a room full of people and no one is the wiser, thus fulfilling your favourite exhibitionist fantasy without risking your boobies being seen by the wrong person. 2)You have a written record of the whole thing so the next time you’re feeling a little randy you can just open it up and deal with the case. What could be better than that?
You know what’s better than that? Phone sex. If you are not having phone sex….I don’t even know what to tell you. If I knew about phone sex back when I was with Snickers, that story would have ended very differently. I’m telling you, there are very few things in life that will get you revved up better than the right partner over the phone telling you in exquisite detail exactly what would be happening if he was fucking you at that moment. Seriously, seriously hot. Seriously. If you can’t have the real thing, a conversation that starts with “so what are you wearing” and ends with a screaming O is a great substitute. Trust me. If you haven’t done this, I’m telling you you must try it. But be careful though because it’s really easy to get strung out on phone sex. Trust me.
But what do you guys think? Are you participating in email/gchat/BBM/phone/Skype sex or is it just me? What are your favourite ways of getting through droughts? It’s Friday – overshare in the comments.
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