It's getting chilly and the internets are abuzz with tweets and blog posts about people looking to couple up for the winter. And while I hate cold weather as much as the next girl, you know I'm not about to take such drastic measures. Nothing - not even a windchill of -40 could make me give up my bachelor for life status.
That doesn’t mean though that I don’t want to gather some nuts around me until springtime comes. Even I recognize that cold weather = more inside time = fewer opportunities to find victims. Which means it would behoove me to lock something down
while I’m still tanned and looking segzy before the situation becomes dire. Enter the Unboyfriend.
Ah the unboyfriend. The holy grail of relationships. The mythical, magical, majestical (word to Bleek Gilliam) man who kinda acts like your man but isn’t your man. He surpasses the fuck buddy because you actually like him and he’s less dangerous than a friend with benefits because you don’t have all those blurry boundaries to confuse you. The unboyfriend is just a dude that you like and enjoy spending time with. He’s hawt and you are obviously sleeping with him (in the figurative if not the literal sense) but you also hang out with your clothes on.
But wait Max – how is that any different from a boyfriend? I can hear your brains buzzing with confusion, so let me break it down for you:
The number one way in which an unboyfriend differs from a boyfriend is this: he is not your boyfriend. Can’t really explain it any better than that. You know that conversation you have after you’ve been dating someone for a while where you both decide that you’re going to be boyfriend and girlfriend? Yeah you don’t have that with an unboyfriend.
Second: you have no intentions with this man; you’re not going to be moving in together or meeting each other’s families or getting a cat together. You are – in the immortal words of the great lovers Nina Mosely and Darius Lovehall – just kickin’ it.
Third and most important: It’s not an exclusive thing.
Now I would be irresponsible if I didn’t warn you that having an unboyfriend is not for the faint of heart. As a wise man once said, this is strictly for live men, not for freshmen. If you’re the type of gal who needs to declare your relationship status on facebook, an unboyfriend is not for you. If you want to walk down the street holding hands and bring him to Christmas dinner to meet your granny, stop reading now. And if you are the type of gal who needs exclusive rights to the peen, abort the unboyfriend-seeking mission immediately.
For many women, the unboyfriend seems like a recipe for disaster, but as a veteran of the unrelationship I can tell you that doesn’t have to be that way. When approached with the right attitude, an unboyfriend is a beautiful thing. Imagine it; you get to spend time with someone who respects you and actually cares what happens to you. You can trust him with
at least your minor secrets. He will do you a favour and won’t expect pussy in return and even if he does it’s not a big deal because you’re giving it to him anyway. You can unleash your inner nuturer and occasionally cook him a meal or iron his briefs if that’s what you’re into without seeming like you’re trying to #swindle him into something. And at the same time you get to have your space – the unboyfriend does not need to see or even speak to you daily. You still have your freedom – you don’t have to consider his opinions when making your life choices, and you can feel free to change your hair all you want without worrying if he’ll like it. And the best part? If Idris Elba offers you a trip to heaven you’re free to hop on and ride him til the wheels fall off. Sounds like a win-win to me!
Like boyfriends, unboyfriends can be a bit tricky to find, but they’re a lot easier to deal with once you’ve got one. I mean really, why buy the cow when all you want is the milk? So now that Auntie Max has schooled you, go get yourself an unboyfriend quick before the winter comes.
What do you guys think? Will an unrelationship work for you or do you need something more structured? Are you looking for something cheaper than a Canada Goose to keep you warm in the snow? Discuss in the comments.