Essential Dating Truths

12
Oct
2010
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I’m making a guest appearance over at Three Ways To Take It today but my lovely and talented friend MsEsquire is back with a follow up guest post. Show her lots of love in the comments. On July 14th I wrote my first guest post (ever!) Ready for Love. In summary it was an open [...]


I’m making a guest appearance over at Three Ways To Take It today but my lovely and talented friend MsEsquire is back with a follow up guest post. Show her lots of love in the comments.

On July 14th I wrote my first guest post (ever!) Ready for Love. In summary it was an open letter to my future husband. At the time I was struggling with my singleness. Since then things have taken an unexpected turn for the better so I decided to give ya’ll an update.

After reading my post my friend and co-worker, Cherie, became vexed at my single status and decided to find me a date. Within a few days she’d found a candidate: enter Larry, a friend of a friend and an colleague from our law firm’s main office. [Sidebar: Larry and I initially met at a party during a staff
retreat in 2008. We laughed, drank and took pictures that night but the next morning I heard he was in a relationship so I chalked it up to a fun night with a cute guy. I saw him again in passing once or twice but we never spoke again. ] Cherie gave him my info and we had our 1st conversation on July 19th…we haven’t stopped talking since. I’m pleased to say that we’re in a relationship and things are going
beautifully. I can’t tell you if he’s “the one” but he’s wonderful and I absolutely adore him.

Meeting Larry reminded me of three important dating truths that I’d like to review with you. These are geared towards the ladies but fellas feel free to read along:

1) Great (not just good) guys still exist.

Don’t believe the hype. Ignore the statistics about marriage and specials on Dateline. Yes, some men are diva dudes; unfaithful, immature, scared
of or unwilling to commit, etc. I get that but…it’s not true for every man. Just like all women aren’t gold-diggers, baby hungry and/or whores. Don’t let your past experiences (or those of
your friends/family) make you bitter and disillusioned. It’s a waste of time and energy and it’s guaranteed to keep you alone.

2) If a man is interested in you he’ll pursue you.

I’m not suggesting that a woman can’t initiate contact or present herself as available but chasing a man is unacceptable. Period. If a man wants to get to know you and develop a relationship with you he’ll:
A) Call. Not just text, tweet, send Facebook messages, etc. (My two cents: technology is great but it’s killing dating softly and swiftly.)
B) Make definitive plans with you, generally in advance. For me definitive=date/time/place and advance= more than a few hours notice. Spontaneity is great and it’s appreciated but every date shouldn’t be a list minute situation.
C) Make you a priority.
We all have responsibilities and commitments: work, family and friends, church, volunteering, etc. and that’s a given. However, people make time in their schedule for the people and things that are important to them. Don’t fall victim to the busy dude.

3. Do. Not. Settle…EVER!

Being single for a while can lead you to compromise your standards. I’m not talking about preferences like height or weight. I’m talking about standards: shared values and goals, compatible communication styles, mutual respect, etc. Every woman is different but
we should all know what we really want in a relationship. If you want kids, don’t date a man who doesn’t. If you need a lot of quality time, don’t date a man that travels often for work. Some things you can find out on the first date and some you find out over time. Whatever the case may be have enough love for yourself to exit when you need to. Being single can suck at times but it’s not as bad as feeling alone while you’re in a relationship. You are better than that.

Nothing I said here today is new but I wanted to share it with you in case you forgot. Also, I’d like to take a minute to say thanks to

1) Max for sharing her blog with me and being such a beautiful friend,

2) Cherie for being an excellent match-maker

3) Larry for being such an easy man to love and the answer to many prayers.

What do you guys think of these dating truths? Do you have any of your own? Speak on it in the comments.



40 Comments

  • Satya says:

    =) What else can be added to this? It’s simple and to the point.

    • MsEsquire77 says:

      Thanks :) Theses things should be common sense but I know from personal experience (recently as last year) that it’s easier said than done. Life really should come with an instruction manual!

  • funms says:

    This is such a focused post. we should always be reminded of this every time especially number 2

    If a guy wants you, he will find you…..after all, they make out time to hang with their friends and play video games

    thanks for sharing :)

    • MsEsquire77 says:

      Thanks! I think the mythical “good Black man shortage” has given a lot of men an excuse to be half-assed when it comes to dating. Women need to raise the bar and make them step their game up.

  • Keba & Cisa says:

    We ( we are at breakfast reading this) totally agree and cosign on these truths. I want to see more posts from you.

  • emti says:

    2A is the TRUTH…i tend to forget that
    I can’t remember the last time I actually spoke to a prospective date on the phone…it’s text, bbm, poke

    sigh

    But thanks for making me believe there is still hope

  • Sukez says:

    *heavy-hearted sigh* Ma, you’ve done it again and I’m in love with this post too. I look at that list and it still amazes me that great guys do exist, they will pursue and don’t ever settle. I’ve almost convinced myself that those three weren’t truths. :-/

    Thanks for the post :) I got some thinking to do. Look for an honorable mention in my blog. I’m getting to writing about this now..

    • MsEsquire77 says:

      You are too young to be discouraged! I refuse to allow it so shape up, pup :) Seriously though I know you’ve had some hard knocks in the love department but I have faith that the best is yet to come. I can’t wait to read your next post.

  • Great Post MsEsquire! Best of luck to you in the new relationship.

    This shows, as I’ve always believed, that great relationships usually don’t just fall out of the air, they are the product of conscious, thoughtful effort – much of which occurs before you even meet the person you end up in a with.

    Can’t wait to read a guest post from you where there’s a new “r” between the “M” and the “s” in your e-handle! (but let’s not jump the gun).

    • MsEsquire77 says:

      Thank you, sir! Your positivity always warms my heart :) As for the Mrs…from your lips to God’s ears!

      • max says:

        It’s gonna happen…mark my words. And don’t forget I’ve already chosen the poem I’m reading at your wedding!

        • Hmmmm… let me see… does it start with “Say Baby… can I be your love slave…”. HAHA… j/k

          • Sukez says:

            LMAO. Sex slave? What poem is this??

            • Ahhh the youth… I’d venture that at least 90 to 95% of black people over the ate of 25 know exaclty where that poem is from, and can probably recite most of it if asked…

            • emti says:

              oh baby girl you need to get you a piece of Love Jones
              trust me

                • emti says:

                  I am the blues in your left thigh…trying to become the funk in your right
                  gets me every time

                  • B_P says:

                    “Blindly pursuing you as my prey…
                    And I just wanna give you injections, of sublime erections”

                    ~swoon~

                    • I mean, as a piece of literature, the poem sucked majorly – “walk that walk honey, talk that talk money” (I mean, really, who calls a potential love interest “money”) … but, it worked for dramatic effect in the movie.

                      Funny Story:
                      I once threw that on in my college dorm room (as it always helped get the drawers down) and the young lady I was with pointed out how silly that poem was. I lost all interest in sleeping with her that night, and gained an interest in knowing her fully. If she thought that about this, what did she think about everything else in the world. We ended up spending a wonderful 4 months together.

                      I appreciated that Nia and Lorenz brought that back on the BET Awards this past year…

  • B_P says:

    Love has found Ms Esquire….yes!

    ” Being single can suck at times but it’s not as bad as feeling alone while you’re in a relationship. You are better than that”

    THIS! Can we get this printed on some bookmarks, maybe in some fortune cookies? I would pay for the mass distribution because I have plenty of friends that don’t understand this fundamental fact. Healthy, loving, relationships take so much work…

    Great post!

  • great post. i’m happy that you’re happy. these are great tips. like you said they aren’t new but it’s good for some people to be reminded every now and then.

  • Cheekie says:

    These are definitely adages that are commonly known, but are definitely forgotten when you’re feeling emotional! So, kudos to you for writing a reminder! We can all use it in those times.

  • Ok Max, you gotta figure something out with the comments section. If Milton wrote a Haiku it would look like my comment above…

  • L Boogie says:

    Ah yes, the universal essential dating truths…you would think that after not gotten it right for so long, I would know, live, and breathe these things, but somehow I lose sight of these things no matter what situation I find myself in. It’s refreshing to watch you in your new relationship and embarking on your happiness, because it gives me hope, and restores the faith I have that one day someone will come along who is great, who makes the time necessary for me, and who doesn’t make me feel like I’m settling…great post ma’am, you must do it more often!

    • MsEsquire77 says:

      Considering our Gchat convo I just teared-up. I love you and I know there’s somebody fabulous in your future. He just hasn’t found you yet. When he does its going to be epic!

  • im sorry i missed this yesterday. too busy trying to be a grad student AND play “keisha brown” for the day.

    nonetheless, this is a lovely post, Shonnerz. thank you for writing it! it never hurts to be reminded that good men are still out there! though i’ve never doubted this, my numerous and constant encounters with bad apples sometimes puts me in a dating slump where i need to be reminded that Mr. Right is out there. especially since i can look around at so many of my dear friends (you included *smile*) who are in loving and happy relationships. and while its make me slightly sad that i cant share in such relationship bliss, i am EXTREMELY happy for my friends who’ve found love. it really is a beautiful thing.

    im just tryin to wait patiently until my Prince Charming comes along….

  • MsEsquire77 says:

    Thanks for your love and support! I haven’t been in a legitimate relationship n 7 years so I know how it feels to watch everyone else being bunned up while you are patiently waiting. Great things come when you least expect it so keep on working towards being Dr. G. and I’m sure some lucky man will sweep you off your feet soon enough :)

  • keisha brown says:

    well missy.. you already know that im supremely happy for you..
    they say good things come to those who wait..but waiting can feel like torture.
    then again..no one can say its impossible to survive 69 days trapped thousands of feet below ground…

    im hoping for a happy ending of my own (put breaks on swoonami) and inspiration is always great to have in assisting in keeping the faith. that..and well..faith. ;)

  • Brava, MsEsquire! Excellent. I cosign on this 100%, but I still need to be reminded of these facts every once in awhile.

  • fixedwater says:

    I’ve always said that there are a lot (A LOT) of good guys out there. I’ve dated a few so I absolutely cosign #1. The point is the good guys I’ve dated just weren’t for me, but I always tried not to damage the good ones even when discovering they weren’t for me.
    So the only piece of advice I would add is to remember the golden rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (note: it does not say do unto others as they HAVE DONE TO YOU)


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