When What You Do in the Dark is Seen in the Light
2010
If you asked 100 people who know me in real life to list the things I cannot do, at least 90 of them would say count keep a secret. I am known far and wide for this. It’s actually not true though; I am more than capable of keeping a secret if I want to, [...]
If you asked 100 people who know me in real life to list the things I cannot do, at least 90 of them would say count keep a secret. I am known far and wide for this. It’s actually not true though; I am more than capable of keeping a secret if I want to, it’s just that 99% of the time I don’t want to. When it’s a secret of my own that is. I can keep a secret for someone else without a problem but my own secrets…not so much.
When it comes to my own life, I just don’t believe in secrets. Anything that I’ve ever really wanted to keep to myself has been something I’ve been embarassed by…other than that I can’t see any reason to hide anything. And because I’m not one to keep my business under wraps, I learned a long time ago to make sure that I’m 100% comfortable with the choices I make. Before I do anything I have to know that I can withstand whatever public scrutiny my actions might have to endure.
For the most part I’ve been successful with this. I actually find it a pretty good moral compass when my hormones start to cloud my judgement. So before I find myself about to have inappropriate chex, steal something, lie about something, or do anything morally questionable I ask myself how I would feel if the whole entire world knew I was doing it. If I’m not okay with that prospect I just don’t do it.
One thing I’ve learned as I’ve aged is that for many people, our moral code is dictated by what we think people know about us rather than what we have done. It’s the reason that people who stay doing secret shit are quick to call other people out for doing the same thing. As a wise man recently told me “people think they’re slick but everybody talks and everybody listens”.
A few days ago I was talking to a friend of mine about sex (do I ever talk to my friends about anything else?) and he asked me if I’d ever done _____. I said no I’d never done ____ and although I would really like to do _____ I will probably have to skip it because I’m told that a man will think twice about marrying a woman who has done _____ (if you’re a devoted reader you will know what I’m talking about). So just in case I ever do want to marry some day, I’m gonna have to skip _____ . This logic didn’t compute to him at all…he was just like “why can’t you just do ____ and just never tell your potential future husband that you did ____?”
This way of thinking seems to be really common. It seems that any time anyone is trying to encourage me to do some dirt that I think is wrong or makes me uncomfortable, “just don’t tell anyone” is pulled out as if it’s some magical balm that soothes all moral dilemmas. Maybe this works for other people but I just can’t rock with it. If I do something foul and no one knows about it, did I not do anything foul? Not by my standards, but I guess that’s how it works for lots of other people. I guess most people are okay with what they do in the dark as long as it’s never been seen in the light but for me…I don’t like to turn the lights off.
What do you guys think though? When you’re about to do something do you stop to wonder what would happen if the whole world knew about it? Are you the type that thinks it’s all good as long as it’s a secret? Or are you the type to allow all your business in the streets because you don’t care what people think anyway? Speak on it in the comments.
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well. I do a lot of things that I don’t want other people to know. not because of shame but simply because its NOT THEIR BUSINESS to know. I have always been a somewhat private person and I don’t think its because I intentionally omit parts of my life, but everyone doesn’t need to know every thing. I’ll admit I know a lot more about most people in my life not necessarily because they TOLD me, but because folks are obvious in their actions and I’m very attentive and observant.
I will say if/when I do/done dirt, I’ve already fully accepted that I could be found out and there are always consequences for said actions. Which is why I don’t do dirt. much. lol Its easier for me to live a straight life, but I still don’t tell every little thing (good or bad) simply because I believe in having some of me just for me–no open books over here. There is no human being that knows every single thing about me, and I like life that way. I’m also attracted to people that have that air of mystery/intrigue.
Reecie pretty much said everything I wanted to say (thank you!!). I just want to add that I sometimes don’t expose the truth because some people can’t handle it.
Great post Max. You don’t seem like the type that’s gonna hold on to a hold lot of secrets… I think it’s a commendable trait for the most part. Honesty, generally speaking, is the best policy. I often feel like women have more secrets than men, but are terrible at keeping them. Men have fewer secrets but the capacity to take them to the grave. Sometimes these secrets are things we’ve done or are doing, other times they are things we feel or have felt. I’m very secretive. I vale my secrecy is a shroud of openness. I’ll tell people personal things that they believe to be a secret, when in reality, they are not. My true secrets are pushed so far into the recesses of my brain, it’s like they don’t exsist.
There are some things that I have done that noone knows about. I like it that way. You can’t tell everyone everything because they might use it against you. So when I am doing something I don’t stop and think if someone else found how they would feel. I think about how will I feel after it’s done because I am the one that has to leave deal with the ramifications of any dirt that I may do.
I’m a pretty open book…just not available for everyone to read. I’ll admit to having done some dirt in my past but nothing that would keep me from getting a top-secret security clearance so I think I’m safe.
and THIS is why I love Max! Top five post. Dead or Alive.
Its the best way to live your life. True confidence blast away shame. If you are keepign secrets from the people closest to you chances are you have two problems
1)You have bad people close to you
2)You are ashamed of the person you really are.
If I am keeping a secret from my boys, I know I am messing up in life or doing something that is harmful to me or something. B/C I know that they are so great, intelligent, wise, insightful, caring men that why would only be dissappointed in me in the cases where I would be dissappointed in myself. The times when they apply shame are the times when I needed it.
Listen I am not here to lie, there are secrets that I have kept from them. But believe me they were all mistakes or lapses of character on my end. Sometimes people question why I am so revealing both in life and the internet. B/C its a great rush to be vulnerable, to entertain a crowd at the expense of your own ego. Do I need to tell everybody, everything: NO. B/C people don’t care and really everything isn’t that interesting. However, when something is relevent, why hold back?
“I said no I’d never done ____ and although I would really like to do _____ I will probably have to skip it because I’m told that a man will think twice about marrying a woman who has done _____ ”
I knew what ‘blank’ was the moment I saw ‘blank.’ I’m going to give credit to Slim, Streetz, Seattle, RCLS, and myself for putting that piece of knowledge into the blogosphere. I find it hilarious that men, including myself, push women to do blank, knowing damn well that it will gain you permanent residence into the land of whoredom. I can’t look at shame to women who fantasizes about ‘blank’, its a chexy situation. Part of me feels bad, b/c as a pervert I know what it is like to deny myself a certain type of chexual gratification b/c it has been deemed illegal or completely unacceptable. And here is where my respect for Max grows intensely… instead of being a hypocrite and having to keeping a secret, she is going to hold off on the act. Its such an selfless move, denying it b/c of a man that doesn’t even exist yet. Who knows, maybe Max’s future husband is into it?? Either way, its that refusal to lie or hide her true self and past that make Max so easy to trust. That is what I am really looking for in a partner, somebody who is going to show me their @$$, so I don’t have to snoop around for it.
Sorry for the bible, I had a lot to say about the topic.
I’m an open book. It’s not something that I’m ashamed of, but I have realized that I hate secrets so much that I think my openness is a way to overcompensate.. (i spend a lot of time figuring out intentions)
I’m no good at lying. I have a strict “don’t make my personal life more work than work” and lying does that to me. I am not trying to keep stories straight when the truth will do.
I put everything out there upfront and then people can figure out if they wanna rock with that.. Yeah, I know this is a game of chess (not checkers muthaf*cka) but I don’t have it in me.
I’m no good at lying either, but I’ll never be an open book. you don’t have to lie to not share everything… especially if it wasn’t asked of you. That’s where I am with it. like Cheekz said earlier,” Do I need to tell everybody, everything: NO. B/C people don’t care and really everything isn’t that interesting.” its just gauging relevance.
I think I know what the blanks are too max, and I agree with you (about never doing but would like to do)…its just not something I’d share just for the sake of sharing though–but I just did since it was relevant! lol
Reecie pretty much summed it up for me. Sometimes, people dont need to knwo what you do. I also keep other peoples secrets because I wouldnt want them to tell mine and its the right thing to do in my eyes
i’m a very private person. i don’t like people knowing my business. if you are privy to information then i trust you enough to let you know. open book? yeah right. people will use information against you. i’ve been there before. i’ve seen it before.
Cosign, cosign, cosign! I used to tell people my business (openly) and not keep secrets until I was put in a hurtful situation. Never.Again. I also have learned to keep people’s secrets like Fort Knox because I would hate for someone I care about to go through what I did.
Completely agree. I’ve burned one too many times to be a completely open book.
“our moral code is dictated by what we think people know about us rather than what we have done” preachhhhhhh
When to tell… What to tell…
Personally, I do feel that “keeping it 100 percent” is important. The inability to reveal ur self to your circle speaks to the type of relationships u have. I mean, do u surround ur self with those who can hear about ur past, deep fears, and desires? If u are concerned with how they may judge u.. That a valid concern. But it’s also a good opportunity to evaluate those relationships. Listen, some of us have skeletons in the closet and revealing some of them would probably be unnecessary. But what if u need help, or u just f*cked up. I wanna be able to tell my girl that “butt sex is all that” or that “I made a mistake” without hesitation. I used to be very secretive, but I’ve learned that giving a little of ur self gets u a lot back in return. I mean check out this blog!
Thanks max
Had a dude on another websie the other say say “I don’t condone a woman with a colorful past”. I am not surprised, women have it hard cause SOME men seek a clean slate. While their slate has cave drawings all over it.
I digress. While I do not believe “what is done..blah blah”, I blame no one for sometimes holding SOME things back