Much as I Loved It, Hate it Now

i-hate-you-but-not-really

Let me tell you about the kind of men that I love – smart (at least as smart as I am), insightful, articulate, well-hung, highly sought-after, in love with himself, slick enough to out-manoeuvre me, busy, high-maintenance.

I don’t know what it is about this combination of qualities that makes me lose my mind a bit, but most of the men I’ve fallen hard for in my life have been like this.

It all starts out fine, he’s not a dummy so I can feel free to use all the big words I wish. He’s full of himself so I don’t have to gas up his head. He’s got a lot going on so he’s never up in my face, and because he’s a highly-skilled competitor in the battle of the sexes, I’m never bored by him. Many other heaux are checking for him, but I’m at the top of the rotation so I’m not studying it at all. When we hang out it takes him 3 hours to get ready so he has no complaints about the fact that it takes me two.

Fast forward three, six, twelve months and some of the sheen has worn off this dude. Our witty banter now seems more like mutual mental masturbation than conversation. His ego dictates that no less than 80% of our discussions are centred around him. If he’s around that is; with his schedule I’m lucky if I get face time once a week. I don’t know what he’s up to because every time I try to ask him, he manages to matrix his way out of answering the question. And he still has many heaux chasing him, but he’s not running from them as fast as he used to.

The typical woman in this situation will be looking around asking herself who the hell is this guy? Everything used to be so great and now it’s gone to shit. This dude who used to embody her ideal man is now sucking the life out of her and she can’t understand why he changed.

Ladies, listen to me closely – he didn’t change, you did.

I suppose it would be more accurate for me to say that it’s not that the lady herself has changed, it’s actually her perception that changed. The smart, slick, cocky, pussy-slaying, busy metro dude that she was first attracted to is still there; it’s just that at some point she stopped looking at those qualities as assets and now she’s seeing them as liabilities. Next thing you know she’s trying to change him. And we all know how that goes.

Ladies I want you to commit something to memory. I learned it from the bestie and it’s something no woman should ever forget. “this is the life I chose”. Quit assuming that if you’re unfulfilled in your relationship its because of something the man has stopped doing and consider whether you may have chosen a man who isn’t wired to give you what you need. If you rate a man who is on his grind 24/7 because you’re envisioning all the Gucci shoes he can buy you, you can’t then get mad that he’s always working. If you were happier than a pig in shit to find a man who takes longer than you do to get ready, you can’t be sighing all loudly six months later (after you’ve locked him down and therefore reduced your beautification process by 2/3) because he’s still ultra-groomed. And if it made you feel like the chosen one to be seen with a dude with pussy falling out of his pocket, you can’t then turn around and get mad because he has pussy falling out of his pocket.

This seems like a pretty basic fact of life to me, but we all know my thinking can be off sometimes so tell me what you think. Have you experienced the phenomenon of being completely frustrated by the very qualities that first attracted you to someone or do I just have bad taste? Share with me in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 29

  1. CHeeKZ Money says:

    Good old Fashion Max. Calm and reasonable.

    I really don’t see why you have to take pleasure in a person taking their time to get ready. Esp with a guy, it doesn’t make you any better looking. It just means you don’t know how to make good use of your time.
    I give women a pass b/c of make up. But I don’t see why you have to try on every show you own to see if it matches the dress. JUST PICK!

    1. max says:

      Cheekz don’t be silly. We have to see which one matches the best!

  2. Sam Sharpe says:

    maxie,

    you get a slow clap, a standing Ovation from me on this one….I’m really digging this post….

    ….oh, and by the way, I really like the new and improved site.

    ez

    1. max says:

      Thank you sir.

  3. B_P says:

    “If you rate a man who is on his grind 24/7 because you’re envisioning all the Gucci shoes he can buy you, you can’t then get mad that he’s always working”

    THIS!!!!!!!!

    Max the wisdom you impart is priceless. I have been that woman you described, enamored with men that weren’t right for me. I think yesterday I posted that I REALLY like egotistical men. I have dated the creme de la creme of that type of man i.e: highly successful business men, NFL player, doctor. At the end of each of those relationships I found myself feeling blasé, lonely and irritated. These men weren’t meeting my needs. I was so caught up in appearances. So worried about being a public success that I became a private failure UNTIL I realized it was me and that I needed to evolve. I changed my criteria when it comes to the qualities a man has to possess to love me. It has changed my love life for the better.

    GREAT post!!!!

    1. max says:

      I am the same way. The post actually occurred to me after I was bemoaning the fact that a certain man was only capable of having interesting conversations if they were about him…I was like I hate this about him. Then I was like – oh wait, that’s what I used to love about him so I basically did this to myself.

  4. streetztalk says:

    This is one of the best posts you’ve ever written.

    This situation right here is why a serious relationship of mine ended. I think she didnt really accept me for who I was, or better yet didn’t want to anymore. I spit the same gospel you just did… “but they dont hear me though”

    This is 100% truth. I salute you madame!

    1. max says:

      Honestly I don’t think most women ever clue in that this is what they’re doing.

  5. emti says:

    the realist shit you ever wrote

    1. max says:

      Thanks lovie!

  6. preach! this right here is the truth. i need to email this post to a couple of people. the thing is you can use this logic to other facets of life outside of romantic situations.

    1. max says:

      You’re so right. I realized today that this actually applies really well to my job right now too.

    2. emti says:

      so true…when we take responsibility for our actions that led to the predicaments we find ourself in we stop making the same mistakes…

      everyone should remember that this is the life they chose or there is no way it will ever change…blaming other people does nothing to help us change it

  7. Nick@Nite says:

    This is a good post babes..

    My ex got me because he was charming..
    Then I found out he was charming everyone else..

    #ThatIsAll

    1. max says:

      Of all the qualities that you start out loving and end up hating, charming is the worst!
      You start out feeling all special when it’s pointed at you and then later feel like stalefood when you realize it’s actually pointed at everyone.

  8. D@mn. I pseduo-dated this guy once. You hit the nail right on the head with “mutual mental masturbation.” I typically date men who have a surprise insecurity chip that reveals itself in month 3.

    p.s.- i have terrible taste in men. i’m working on that. actually, no i’m not. i’m waiting for something to fall out of the sky.

    1. emti says:

      i have horrible taste in men too…not picky enough lol

  9. The Champ says:

    At the risk of sounding like a “That’s what she said” joke, I have to say that this piece was really good.

  10. I really like this joint Max. I saw the twitter question that lead this post (I believe) and at first thought my answer was, as you remember, a resounding “no”. However, my opinion has moved a little in reading this.

    Ironically enough, this post is part of the reason why I’m a proponent of disappearing. If you disappear before you stop liking the person, or before the things you like turn into the things you hate – problem solved.

    Anyways, more to the point, I don’t think relationships are stagnant, immovable entities. The best relationships are the ones where two people come from their own winding and folding arc of a life story and as their life together begins to grow and they learn more of each other, they start seeing the world through the same eyes and their arcs starts bending togehter. So, they continue to evolve, and become newer, better versions of their selves, but, they do it together.

    When one person is evovling, while the other person is who they were when you met them, it’s a symptom of an underlying issue at the core of your relationship: yall just aint meant to be. At least not at that point in your lives.

  11. Lo says:

    I so agree; I’m dating the 24-7 working guy and I’ve had to accept that this is where he’s at — he’s on a mission, was on it when I met him, and it’s not for me to “make him stop.” We talk everyday, see each other relatively often, and it’s always goooood when we do – whether we’re talking or otherwise.

    I made this choice; and I’m stickin’ with it. Until I’m ready not to (if that even happens — right now, I just don’t see it). But no way can I blame him for not “showing me who he is” – he did from jump and I made the (wise) decision to go there anyway.

    As Madonna said, “Absolutely. No. Regrets.”

    Thanks Max; I love your blog!

  12. well articulated post, max. ive been there, done that with “that dude” and am trying to warn my friends about him too. we all have that guy that we couldnt get enough of at first, and then couldnt stand shortly after. *sigh* tis the circle of life.

    thanks for reminding me i still have to be cautious of what i say i want in a man, and what i can really handle.

  13. This Is (My Ex-Girlfriends) Conscience

    Forwarding This To Her [Anonymously] Asap..

  14. Kyla says:

    Glad to see someone speak the truth! I love dating websites like yours!!

  15. jj says:

    just found your website today (happy birthday!) and i just gotta say this post and the last are what went wrong with my latest in a nutshell… if i had had the checklist i wouldn’t have found myself going ‘whaaaat?’ six months later. loving this blog.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Connect with Facebook

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>