I Am Changing (Max in Real Life)
2010
This morning as I was contemplating what to wear to work, I eyed the many, many pairs of stilettos in my closet and realized how infrequently I’ve been wearing them. I looked at them sitting in a hopeful row waiting for their turn in the spotlight, then sighed and reached for the same gladiator flats [...]
This morning as I was contemplating what to wear to work, I eyed the many, many pairs of stilettos in my closet and realized how infrequently I’ve been wearing them. I looked at them sitting in a hopeful row waiting for their turn in the spotlight, then sighed and reached for the same gladiator flats I’ve been wearing all summer.
Six months ago, wearing nothing but flats for days on end was unheard of for me. I’ve never been the type of girl who values comfort over style; function over form. I was brought up on the “beauty is pain” school of thought and have always fully embraced it.
These days though I find that I can’t be bothered to do myself up. I’m wearing less makeup and skipping the flat iron more often than I care to admit. All of a sudden I am changing…and I don’t like it one bit.
I used to be the girl who never wore bras outside of business hours. Suddenly I find that the singular joy of letting my titties hang is not outweighed by the inappropriate comments I have to listen to. The me I used to be had an extensive wardrobe and a library of over 2,000 inspirational pictures I would flip through before choosing an outfit to go out in. Now I can’t remember the last time I wore anything other than a wife beater. I went from #OhYouFancyHuh to Plain Jane overnight and I really don’t care for it.
And it doesn’t stop there. This past weekend I went to a cousin’s wedding (I picked my outfit 5 minutes before I left the house; the old Max would have had it laid out 5 days before). As I sat watching our favourite aunty perform the ceremony I caught myself feeling a little wistful that that might never be me.
This is getting out of hand.
It’s not that I fear change. I accept it as a necessary part of life. I’m certainly not the person now that I was 10 years ago and I’m glad of it. But the ways in which I’ve changed in the past have been more self-directed. Having neither chick nor child to tend to, I’ve always been able to take a step back, look at my life, decide what I want to change and do it. I always had a specific outcome in mind and then went for it. And whether I got there or not, it was always a good thing.
What’s going on right now though is some bullshit.
Lately I find that I’m thinking unspeakable things like “monogamy isn’t so terrible” and “maybe sleepovers aren’t so bad”. The other day I actually said out loud “I am not in the mood to have sex”. I have never said such a thing. Never even thought it. But at that moment the idea of having sex was so unappealing I almost didn’t do it. I did though and it was effing great
I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore.
I don’t know if it’s because of my impending birthday or what but these days my thoughts and opinions are all over the map. And it’s not that I think I’m so perfect that I don’t need to improve anything but to be honest, I quite like who I am right now. I thought that at my age, I was done with the big changes and had moved on to the fine-tuning stage of life. I’m not prepared for – nor do I particularly welcome – a massive personality overhaul.
Nevertheless it seems to be happening whether I like it or not. I’m changing. And it fucking sucks.
Am I the only person this has happened to, or do any of you guys feel me? Ever felt like your entire worldview shifted on its axis or should I seek medical attention? Share your experiences in the comments.
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::Hugs Max:: I feel like it may have to do with your upcoming birthday. :-/ And the need to not want sex? Woman, you are NOT alone. I just had bad sex recently and I’m about to quit
until further notice. Hopefully it’s just a phase and a hump you’ll get over soon. Maybe you should put on some sex-me pumps, use your flat iron, and go have some make-her-bedridden sex. Call it a day.Girl don’t talk crazy. I pushed that thought out of my mind the minute it entered.
The day I would rather do anything than thronx is the day I lay down my head for the last time!
Maxi, you are a dynamic force of nature so I WILL NOT accept these complaints from you! If you don’t like the way your life is going then change it! Birthdays are an excellent time for reflection. Examine your life then a) hold onto to the things you like and b) make adjustments to the things you don’t.
A couple of things: 1) Your hair is gorgeous whether its straight or not. 2) Lay out an outfit and some stilettos for tomorrow and prepare to be fabulous! 3) I can’t co-sign on not wearing a bra but…buy some petals if you’re going to let the girls go free. 4) I believe in love and I know you do to so I’m ignoring all comments about committment, fidelity, marriage, etc.
You and Most are goat-mouthing me with all your “I know you believe in love” stuff. You guys keep messing around and I’ll be married before I know what hit me.
It’s funny because we don’t realize that every year and every experience changes us just a little bit. I’ve definitely noticed that as I’ve gotten older I’ve relaxed on my angry black woman who doesn’t need a man/ all men are hoes things. I’ve even given up some of the cuddling restrictions that I have. Sometimes we have these walls up because it’s easy and protects us but then we get hurt and realize that it’s not that bad, and those walls come down.
yay to progress
21? 21!!!!????
I’m with Most on this one..
TWENTY-ONE!!!
Lord have mercy!!!
and yes, it needed that many exclamation points..
I know right? This girl has stones coming up here talking about I’m about to turn 21. Um, come back and cry when that number has increased by 14 years!
If I get hushed about my quarter-life crisis at 25, you should be getting kicked in the shin for this comment.
All of you are bitter ol’ Bitters.
@LittleMissSunshine I just hope my “no sleepovers” wall stays up. I really don’t like sleepovers.
You better have heels and nothing else on when I come to Canada. You don’t need to pick out an outfit for me.
Yeah, eff you for shouting me out on twitter too.
There will be hate f*cking.
Fret not. If there’s anything that can bring the
badgood old max back it’s Dr. Jay in Toronto.Of all your series’ Max, this is my favorite. This post, in particular, is great. Unfortunately, my ability to come up with something worth saying is severly damaged by my excited for football season. I just can’t seem to concentrate long enough to create a full sentence. Lemme try again though…
The first thing I thought of reading this, was that post you did on “why great guys marry regular chicks”. – Think about these changes your experiencing in light of our prior conversation. Might be your id speaking to you.
But, I don’t really think you’re changing. You’re still you, it’s just, the things that are important to you are shifting in order. Things that were super important before, are still important, but not as important as other things that were previously unimportant. The priorities of Max at 25 shouldn’t be the same as Max at 45 (long long time from now). You know?
That’s all I got – let’s go Giants.
BTW, you need to add an edit feature a la SBM. I’m cringing at my typos.
Most thank you for saying 45 is a long long time from now. It’s not true, but thanks for saying it.
Dang, maybe its in the water? I sent a few messages (albeit at 3 AM) to some people to express my feelings. I would NEVER thought of doing that before. I am thinking about grape juice as it gets older and changes it becomes more delectable and better. A wine connoisseur appreciates those changes. Change is not always a bad thing…it makes life more exciting…
I know, I know I am on one. But I hope you appreciate what I was getting at.
I like your grape juice analogy. That made me feel better!
Like I said on Gchat …maxie baby you’re just becoming me
i’m becoming you too don’t worry lol
But seriously…everything must change and kudos to you for recognizing the change and realizing that you don’t like some of them…that’s the work of a 35 year old!
GO RAVENS!
GO
….wait – what’s my team again? Oh right!SAINTS!pop quiz: when is “your” team playing?
Girl baby steps please. I just picked the team yesterday give me a minute to learn all their movements!
lemme see, lemme see…
We’ve spoken about this, but I thought I would say a thing or two..
regardless of the change you’re going through, you know that you’re wonderful either way.. but i’m not gonna fluff you up too much..
I think as time moves on there are things about us that shift.. perspectives change and our lists get renumbered.
You’re right, we don’t have chick nor child, so you’re in a wonderful place where your change affects no one but you. I understand you being scared of it, especially when it seems to be happening beyond your control..
But the fact is, it’s happening.. and you can either run to it, or run from it.. and as long as you don’t start worshipping the Devil, I’m here for you either way..
and don’t say NUTHIN bout wifebeaters.. they’re from Heaven..
Love ya Max…
Can I run from it? I don’t like it!
I have recently discovered you a month ago and have enjoyed your snarky and unique perspective on life and relationships. Your blogs gives me a boost, I can sense your air of confidence and its great. I understand where u are coming when u explained your disinterest in dressing up. The feeling that your wardrobe do not excite you anymore is really sad but its easy to fix. See my wardrobe gave me instant gratification… I love my cloths for that. And to rev it up, I give away some and buy some more. But but but, when u said that aren’t feeling sex anymore. I was shocked! Do you not feel sexual, or attractive? Has your daily routine robbed your spontaneity??? Please allow this “downturn” to be temporary. We are need to change it up and get back to sexy! I need u to get ur sexy back!
Don’t worry that whole “I don’t feel like sex thing” was temporary. I think I’m back to my normal self now. In that regard anyway.
Thank goodness
There’s nothing wrong with a Plain Jane. Besides, I hear Dr. J kinda likes ‘em.
Hahaha as much as I’d like to get back in Dr. J’s good books, being a Plain Jane goes against everything I believe in.
I had this same conversation with myself today… Where the hell did I go wrong… shit was so much sweeter just a year ago! But anyways… I’m blaming it all on pms and this damn recession…
be sassy, be glamorous, be Max…
I apologize for the length but this hit home.
This was pretty raw, Max, and I agree, maybe some of this has to do with your birthday. I don’t know though – as Most mentioned, there’s been a running theme with some of your posts: things are shifting, coming into focus.
None of us in our thirties are the same people we were in our twenties (laugh, shudder). And truthfully, when we’re in our forties, I’m pretty sure we’ll be even better versions of ourselves. You said that you thought you be done with the “big changes”, that you’d be fine-tuning.
You are fine-tuning. Recognize this. As people pointed out, these are not “big changes” but rather, perhaps, things that are simply coming to the surface.
Don’t fight this. Dive in. Find out where this is leading. You want great sex with someone who has sleepover potential, someone who can like you in flats and/or wifebeaters (ahem, once in a while, because I can’t condone flats.) Without even getting into the beauty of morning sex, what’s wrong with this?
You’ve written about the desire to move cities, to (somewhat relucantly) embrace new things, the contemplation about the words “I’m bad” on the recent tattoo*…
You are not changing into someone else. You are just becoming max. Capital M.
Keep thinking, and please, keep writing!
I’m going to keep this one short – football has my full attention…
I think this is the curse of our 30′s…it’s the time when all the things we thought we were in our 20′s aren’t really who we are. You’ve written my private thoughts with this one, Max. I hate that the things I just knew I wanted in my 20′s are so not what I want now.
Emti…HOW BOUT THEM RAVENS!!!!
This is a superb post and may be one that should be followed up to see what happens
A colleague emailed this link the other day and I will be desperately waiting your next write. Continue on the fabulous work.