I Am Changing (Max in Real Life)
This morning as I was contemplating what to wear to work, I eyed the many, many pairs of stilettos in my closet and realized how infrequently I’ve been wearing them. I looked at them sitting in a hopeful row waiting for their turn in the spotlight, then sighed and reached for the same gladiator flats [...]
This morning as I was contemplating what to wear to work, I eyed the many, many pairs of stilettos in my closet and realized how infrequently I’ve been wearing them. I looked at them sitting in a hopeful row waiting for their turn in the spotlight, then sighed and reached for the same gladiator flats I’ve been wearing all summer.
Six months ago, wearing nothing but flats for days on end was unheard of for me. I’ve never been the type of girl who values comfort over style; function over form. I was brought up on the “beauty is pain” school of thought and have always fully embraced it.
These days though I find that I can’t be bothered to do myself up. I’m wearing less makeup and skipping the flat iron more often than I care to admit. All of a sudden I am changing…and I don’t like it one bit.
I used to be the girl who never wore bras outside of business hours. Suddenly I find that the singular joy of letting my titties hang is not outweighed by the inappropriate comments I have to listen to. The me I used to be had an extensive wardrobe and a library of over 2,000 inspirational pictures I would flip through before choosing an outfit to go out in. Now I can’t remember the last time I wore anything other than a wife beater. I went from #OhYouFancyHuh to Plain Jane overnight and I really don’t care for it.
And it doesn’t stop there. This past weekend I went to a cousin’s wedding (I picked my outfit 5 minutes before I left the house; the old Max would have had it laid out 5 days before). As I sat watching our favourite aunty perform the ceremony I caught myself feeling a little wistful that that might never be me.
This is getting out of hand.
It’s not that I fear change. I accept it as a necessary part of life. I’m certainly not the person now that I was 10 years ago and I’m glad of it. But the ways in which I’ve changed in the past have been more self-directed. Having neither chick nor child to tend to, I’ve always been able to take a step back, look at my life, decide what I want to change and do it. I always had a specific outcome in mind and then went for it. And whether I got there or not, it was always a good thing.
What’s going on right now though is some bullshit.
Lately I find that I’m thinking unspeakable things like “monogamy isn’t so terrible” and “maybe sleepovers aren’t so bad”. The other day I actually said out loud “I am not in the mood to have sex”. I have never said such a thing. Never even thought it. But at that moment the idea of having sex was so unappealing I almost didn’t do it.
I did though and it was effing great
I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore.
I don’t know if it’s because of my impending birthday or what but these days my thoughts and opinions are all over the map. And it’s not that I think I’m so perfect that I don’t need to improve anything but to be honest, I quite like who I am right now. I thought that at my age, I was done with the big changes and had moved on to the fine-tuning stage of life. I’m not prepared for – nor do I particularly welcome – a massive personality overhaul.
Nevertheless it seems to be happening whether I like it or not. I’m changing. And it fucking sucks.
Am I the only person this has happened to, or do any of you guys feel me? Ever felt like your entire worldview shifted on its axis or should I seek medical attention? Share your experiences in the comments.