During a recent conversation with one of my most favourite people, the subject of ideal jump off behaviour was raised. Not rules per se, because the nature of the jump off relationship kind of precludes the right to tell people what to do, but more of a voluntary code of conduct that jump offs who [...]
During a recent conversation with one of my most favourite people, the subject of ideal jump off behaviour was raised. Not rules per se, because the nature of the jump off relationship kind of precludes the right to tell people what to do, but more of a voluntary code of conduct that jump offs who are serious about their craft would adhere to. I looked around and it seemed no such thing exists, so as usual I have to come to save the day with the international Jump Off Code of Conduct. This applies to both genders (yes men you can be jump offs too) and should be
I. Sleeping arrangements
Unless expressly invited to do so, you must not ever attempt to sleep over. You are entitled to 30 minutes of post-coital rest before you must get up and get the eff out my house (especially long or especially acrobatic performances may be awarded 60 minutes of rest). An attempt to extend this post-coital rest period without the proper authorization is an actionable offense punishable by a kick in the seeds suspension of thronx privileges.
II. Be happy
At no point should I ever have to witness the effects of any of the stressors in your life. If we are not in a relationship, your work, life, family, and health problems are of little interest to me. Please do not arrive at my house in a bad mood or attempt to fill me in on the latest argument you’ve had with your child’s mother or father. Your sole purpose in my life is to oil my parts and your petty travails will only dry them up. Please paste a smile on your face or get the fcuk out.
III. Come prepared
Although I own and may provide if I’m feeling generous items such as lube, butt plugs, condoms, cock rings, and sex toys, please make sure you are fully stocked in the items you need to facilitate your own enjoyment. As none of the above-mentioned items are free, I’m disinclined to waste them on a mere jump off and would likely prefer to save them for someone a little higher on the evolutionary scale than you.
IV. Bring the dirty
Again, your whole purpose as it relates to my life is to get my rocks off. And while softly caressing my face while staring lovingly into my eyes is a beautiful idea in theory, I didn’t ask you for all that. If you’re not talking a little bit of dirty or getting at least a little bit rowdy then you have failed at your task. I can have gentle, quiet sex with someone who actually means something to me. You’re supposed to give me the stuff my main piece won’t.
V. Respect my home
If you are lucky enough to be allowed into the bat cave, please try to have some behaviour during your stay. Do not come in my home and rearrange shit, change the channel on my television, or critique the songs on my playlist. And under no circumstances should you be washing any of your below-the-waist parts in my sink. Warm towels will be provided after the act of coitus is complete; any additional cleanup required is your problem.
V. Stay in your lane
As my jump off, you play a very special role in my life. It’s key to my sanity and sunny disposition. It’s so important that I do not want you to step outside of it for one instant and would really appreciate it if you did not attempt to do so. Therefore do not try to be seen in public with me, or ask me to accompany you to gatherings of your friends or family. Under absolutely no circumstances will we hold hands. In addition, please do not attempt to ingratiate yourself by asking questions about my life other than where do you want it, how do you want it, is that good or can I do it again. By the same token, please also do not try to “help” me by offering opinions about my life. If your opinion mattered to me at all you probably would not be on jump off status.
I really think that if all jump offs just adhered to these guidelines everyone’s sex life would be a better place.
What do you guys think? What behaviour will you not accept from your casual sex partners? Speak on it in the comments.
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ah the jump off. i think the main thing would be staying in your lane. when you try to blur the lines then you may think that you’re something more than a jump off. this is one of the reasons i stopped doing the jump off thing a while back. it’s all good at first but then most times feelings get involved by one party and the other party wants to maintain status quo. another thing. that whole be nasty thing. if i can’t do those nasty things with you then i’m not gonna find a jump off. i’ll find a main piece that will.
I don’t blame you for stopping with the jump offs. From what I hear, girls do not know how to execute this properly at all. It’s probably easier to just wife one and be done with it.
I agree with Tree. I haven’t done the whole jump off thing. I recently mistook someone for being a jump off when in fact he’s more than that because looking down your badly numbered list of five (lol) it’s the complete total opposite. It’s almost too sensual. Ugh. *shudders* Maybe I need to find a JO. Cuz I need someone [besides myself] to be nasty with me. Arg. *pulls hair out*
Did you just call him Tree?!?
Lmao. Oh yeah! I sho’ nuf did! ^_^
yeah apparently she thinking i’m as tall as a tree. don’t know why. i’m only 5’11″
Lies! You know you’re at least 8 feet tall.
Man, you’re at least 6 feet 13! Stop it Tree
hello my dear how are u doing you call me now +233201087706\+233243258963
Come prepared and stay in your lane are sooooo important to me. I have an assortment of condoms, but if I invite you to my home and my love tunnel you mean to tell me you couldn’t bring condoms?
I agree with you on the TV and playlist 100%. I will allow you to shower, but you may only use the bar of soap I give you…same applies for towel and wash cloth. Do not rearrange my bathing products or use them, don’t dry off with my hand towel!
I didn’t think you had to say no spending the night. I thought that was universally understood lol
You would be surprised how many people think it’s okay to spend the night after jump off sex. I know I was.
Jeez that makes me sound like I’ve had a lot of jump off action, doesn’t it?
This list had me ROLLIN! I must say, that I was a fan of spending the night, because that meant I get to wake up half an hour earlier and tear ya a$$ up one more time, going to work with a double smiley face on ya face and forehead. But I tend to overindulge on black women, cheese, and fly sneaks…so maybe I need to do a period of “self reflection”.
I guess I should clarify. I technically haven’t had a jumpoff. When I broke up with the last 2 boos we decided to keep the sex going until we found someone new. When you’re not in a committed relationship anymore J.O. rules apply! At least to me anyway. My ex boo tried to stay the night, I told him that privilege has been revoked.
=)
1) This post made me dissolve into fits of giggles at various moments! (#4 in particular because I can hear your voice as I read it) This could be the plot summary for a movie.
2) I love that even with Roman numerals you still messed up the numbers! You need more people
I LOVE that “You need more people” stuff. And Max, your math is on crutches lol
As I was writing it I thought to myself, hmmm I love roman numerals I bet I get the numbers right if I use them. And then this morning I look and see that I have once again failed at counting.
AMEN!
i so agree……..number 2 needs to be really preached…..i refuse to act as a therapist for any jump-off….you must be happy at all times
(finally decided to comment for the first time
Welcome! Congrats on popping your commenting cherry
#2 is really key for me. It’s not that I’m totally unsympathetic to other people’s plights; but I just don’t want to hear about it secksy time. We can have a coffee and talk later but when it’s time to bone just put on your happy face please!
man this was my code in undergrad- although I had to add this is not a conversation you and your friends, you and your family, and you and your frat.
Hilarious!
I’ve never been a jump-off or had any…but, should I dabble this list will be on point. lol.
I love those rules! Especially bring ur supplies and be happy. When a jump off starts telling about how his momma sick, then somn aint right!!! If u don’t feel up to banging then don’t show up. These rules are only useful when agreed upon b4 the whole thing starts off cuz if u leave it to men, they’ll try and get gf benefits from a fuck buddy.
love these rules, im thinking about purchasing a clipboard and leaving at my bedside. “lets just keep it 100″.
Nice list. I think all the bases have been touched. Personally I’d like a mission statement or something to go along with this code of conduct. Y’know, something like “you will ensure to knock the socks of your partner, or make sure he/she gets his/her rocks off”. I’ve been in way too many situations where sidepiece/jump off/matey thinks it’s good enough to just show up but not show and prove. That shit is lame. If you’re gonna get down at least put your back into it.
#2,, This is sooo true.
But THIS —-> “And under no circumstances should you be washing any of your below-the-waist parts in my sink” had me LOLing for real!!! great post!
good list, max!!! ive never had a jumpoff (for reasons i won’t get into) but this is how i understand the role to be. i think most women should abide by this list and spare themselves their feelings. a jumpoff is for sexual pleasure, and is not to be a pseudo-boyfriend/girlfriend or some one you play house with (that’s called denial).
i know this is going to be slightly off topic but i think sadly, many women dont realize how incapable they are of just getting their rocks off in the bedroom without any type of commitment from men. they try to pretend they’re ok with their situation but really they want more–some one to stay the whole night, some one to take them out on dates, some one to share their inner selves with. and even if a man tells her he only wants whats between her legs, she’s hoping her sex game will make him want more (re: your recent max-mail post).
anyway. sorry for the birdwalk. good post!!
Girl you are so right. That was actually part of the greater conversation that inspired the post. Girls who are on jump off status are trying to walk down the streets holding hands with the dude and take him to weddings. Men who are jump offs are trying to ask about whereabouts and who else the girl is spending time with. It’s a world gone mad!
Everything that happens between a man and a woman would be so much easier if everyone could behave in context to the situation.
That man who washed his sac in your sink really did a number on you!
Anywho, it occurs to me (after reading this list) that my CB that just moved out of state was breaking these rules all the time. He was forever staying the night (without any prompting from me, I just didn’t know how to tell him to leave), invited me to family bbq’s all the time, wanted me to go play pool w/ him, etc. I think it’s the more fast & furious these rules were being broken, the less I wanted to see him.
I recently “reconnected” with an “ex” and he’s broken the sleeping over rule for the last two weekends, not to mention the “be happy” rule. Mmmh, I think I have a problem on my hands, but I’m not quite ready to go back into drought mode.
This was my mantra during my early 20′s! If more people adhered to the unwritten (at least until now!) rules of the Jump-Off…there would be a lot less hurt feelings and a lot of sexed-up folks..*sips wine* Yeesss…the jump-off.
I really think so too=P I have been surfing around the internet for some time today, and its kinda hard to find anything good to read on blogs. Maybe its because there are too much of them around =) But your site actually keeps catching my attention:P Great posts, and cool design ^__^. Ill be sure to give it more time from now on =)