Those of you who know me in real life know I have a love-angst relationship with my mum. She’s dope but she drives me nutso. It’s her birthday today and I thought what better way to
get her back for all the pain she causes me celebrate it than to make a mockery of her?
So without further ado, I present you with Funny Things my Mummy says. Say them to yourself with a high-pitched Trinidadian accent to get the full effect.
1. Mag-zine are you pregnant? I dream a big bucket of fishes last night. And your uncle Ben.
2. I’m just not into dead people
3. You don’t know how your skin going to get qualey-qualey from lying out in the sun?
6. Mag-zine why don’t you freeze your sperm in case you want to get pregnant and you’re too old?
5. She give ‘way all she sister’s children and take ‘way she sister husband. But we don’t hold that against her. We does still go and visit her.
6. “That’s a hairstyle??”
(this is what she says when I emerge from the bathroom after an hour of getting ready)
7. All that time I had no idea I looked like death warmed over
8. After 32 years of marriage, I have nothing left to say to your dad. That’s what happens when you get married.
9. Oh my GOSH why dat woman [with the big ass] don’t stay in she seat? Why is she dancing like that? She doh feel shame?
10. I just asked him if he ever heard of a condom and told him he should get acquainted with them (relaying a conversation she had with my brother when he told her his wife was pregnant)
11. If I give you my “dot com numba” you could check it for me?
Happy birthday Mums!