Signs You Might Be An Asshole

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One of my favorite expressions in life is “knowledge is power”. It explains my fascination with wikipedia and provides the perfect justification for a penchant for gossip. And if knowledge in general is power then it stands to reason that self-knowledge is the most powerful weapon in our war on life.

Unfortunately, most people really have no idea what they’re really like. And this is never more true than in the case of assholes; who always seem to have some bullshit reason for their assholey behaviour other than the fact that they’re assholes. So for you my dear readers I’m giving you a gift: signs you might be an asshole.


1. You are persistently and repetitively inappropriate – even after being asked to stop.

If you’re a guy or gal who makes sexual innuendos to the wrong person – your friend’s ex, your ex’s friend, your boy’s little sister, your mother’s husband – you’re probably an asshole. If you continue to do it even after the person has asked you repeatedly to stop you’re definitely an asshole.

3. You’re sometime-ish.

If you’re the kind of person who only greets people every third time you run into them – staring through them as if they’re invisible all the other times – you’re a rude asshole. If you only speak to people when you see them with someone you’ve deemed cool enough to warrant your attention you’re a pretentious asshole. If you live in Toronto you probably pull this on 50% of the people you know about 50% of the times you go out – which is why this is the asshole capital of the world.

2. You lie about dumb shit.

Now you guys know I am not an advocate for complete honesty – a white lie or a faked orgasm can go a long way in a relationship – but dumb, obvious lies told for no good reason is stupid and unnecessary. Grow some stones, tell the truth, and stop being an asshole.

4. You wake people up ungracefully.

There is no greater barometer for the quality of someone’s character than the method they use to wake someone. If you are a decent person, you will do it gently and gradually; allowing the person to ease their way into wakefulness. If you’re my mother (a lovely human being with some assholey tendencies) you’ll vacuum right outside the bedroom. If you’re a certain ex of mine (a certified Grade-A asshole) you’ll bang open the bedroom door and start talking loudly on the phone while watching videos on YouTube at top volume.

5. You hate The Foreign Exchange.

I’m not saying you have to love them. Maybe they just don’t do it for you I’ll even give you a pass if you’ve never heard of them. But if you listen to the album Leave It All Behind in its entirety and say you hate it, there’s something wrong with your soul.

So what do you guys think? Is this asshole behaviour or just stuff max doesn’t like? What are your asshole- warning signs? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 9

  1. nicknotnikki says:

    You Know you kinda might be reaching with that Foreign Exchange one.. Lol..
    I love your #2.. There's nothing worse than someone who lies just for the hell of it.. Not only that, but when you realize they lied, you're lookin at them like "really? you had to lie about THAT!?" so unnecessary..
    also.. to add to your list…
    6. You're never around when needed..
    If you can call me to talk about something as mundane as the new shoes you got and expect me to listen to you, then please believe if my car broke down on the highway, I'm expecting you to answer your phone. There's nothing more a-hole-ish than someone that ALWAYS expects you to be around and available (and you are), but makes all the excuses in the world about why they can't bring you Tylenol when you're sick. It works my nerves!

  2. Dr. J (@DrJayJack) says:

    According to this, i'm not an asshole. But i'm not sure why everyone thinks i'm an asshole. I think there's some stuff not on this list that I must do.

  3. RemTheMulatto says:

    *phew* I passed.. I am a total A-hole..

  4. RemTheMulatto says:

    0. ..

    If there is a cheek on the left of you, and a cheek on the right of you, and you're covered in shit at random intervals throughout the day and you breathe stink.. You just might be an asshole.. If you're not an asshole and these things apply.. *gag*

  5. L Boogie says:

    I'm down with the list…especially the last one…like…how can you NOT like FE? And like Nick said, there's a big chance you're an a-hole if you're never there when I need you…please expect me to become an a-hole right back…
    My recent post change gon come

  6. OhMyGodYes says:

    Leave it All Behind is the SHIZNIT!!! I do agree. I got that cd for an ex 2 xmas’s ago and now he cant listen to it anymore. Thats a waste. As it turns out, I was the asshole.

  7. Ulysses Bruley says:

    Globally, pneumonia affects approximately 450 million people per year, seven percent of population, and results in about 4 million deaths, mostly in third world countries. Although pneumonia was regarded by William Osler in the 19th century as “the captain of the men of death”,^’*.

    Have a good day <http://www.healthmedicinejournal.com/index.php/

  8. Tom says:

    Folks seem to have a hard time with forgiveness that make these lists. No one is perfect and to expect such is what an asshole wants. To think there are perfect relationships with no bumps in the road, no infidelity, no problems what so ever are lying to themselves and are self-righteous, the worst kind of asshole.

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