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One of my favorite expressions in life is “knowledge is power”. It explains my fascination with wikipedia and provides the perfect justification for a penchant for gossip. And if knowledge in general is power then it stands to reason that self-knowledge is the most powerful weapon in our war on life.
Unfortunately, most people really have no idea what they’re really like. And this is never more true than in the case of assholes; who always seem to have some bullshit reason for their assholey behaviour other than the fact that they’re assholes. So for you my dear readers I’m giving you a gift: signs you might be an asshole.
1. You are persistently and repetitively inappropriate – even after being asked to stop.
If you’re a guy or gal who makes sexual innuendos to the wrong person – your friend’s ex, your ex’s friend, your boy’s little sister, your mother’s husband – you’re probably an asshole. If you continue to do it even after the person has asked you repeatedly to stop you’re definitely an asshole.
3. You’re sometime-ish.
If you’re the kind of person who only greets people every third time you run into them – staring through them as if they’re invisible all the other times – you’re a rude asshole. If you only speak to people when you see them with someone you’ve deemed cool enough to warrant your attention you’re a pretentious asshole. If you live in Toronto you probably pull this on 50% of the people you know about 50% of the times you go out – which is why this is the asshole capital of the world.
2. You lie about dumb shit.
Now you guys know I am not an advocate for complete honesty – a white lie or a faked orgasm can go a long way in a relationship – but dumb, obvious lies told for no good reason is stupid and unnecessary. Grow some stones, tell the truth, and stop being an asshole.
4. You wake people up ungracefully.
There is no greater barometer for the quality of someone’s character than the method they use to wake someone. If you are a decent person, you will do it gently and gradually; allowing the person to ease their way into wakefulness. If you’re my mother (a lovely human being with some assholey tendencies) you’ll vacuum right outside the bedroom. If you’re a certain ex of mine (a certified Grade-A asshole) you’ll bang open the bedroom door and start talking loudly on the phone while watching videos on YouTube at top volume.
5. You hate The Foreign Exchange.
I’m not saying you have to love them. Maybe they just don’t do it for you I’ll even give you a pass if you’ve never heard of them. But if you listen to the album Leave It All Behind in its entirety and say you hate it, there’s something wrong with your soul.
So what do you guys think? Is this asshole behaviour or just stuff max doesn’t like? What are your asshole- warning signs? Speak on it in the comments.
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