The Art of the Chase (Throwback Tuesdays)

But what is the right way to chase a man? And should we even be doing it? He’s Just Not that Into Yousays no. The whole premise of the book is that the excuses that women make for why men aren’t making an effort with them are just so much bullshit and if he was really into you he would make the effort. So should we women just leave it all in their hands?

Consider this scenario: a few years ago I got the feeling that a casual acquaintance of mine was flirting with me. I was getting vibes but I wasn’t quite certain where he was going with it – was he interested? was he just a flirt? was I reading into things? was he too shy to make a move? I just didn’t know and didn’t want to risk embarrassing myself by making a move on him. The whole thing would probably have fizzled out without anything significant happening had my uber-brilliant sister not stepped in. She mentioned to him at a party that if he wanted to make a move on me, she would be okay with that. And what do you know? A couple of days later he asked me out and everything was lovely after that (until we split up and he married someone else but that’s another story).

Knowing what I know about that dude now, I know that he would never have asked me out if my sister hadn’t let him know that his advances would be welcomed. So does that mean that he just wasn’t that into me? Or was that me/my sister taking a participatory role in the courtship dance rather than putting all the responsibility on the man?

Most women believe that men are dense. So we don’t believe that smiling with our eyes is enough for them to get the message. Instead we offer our numbers, ask for theirs, find them on facebook, befriend their friends, hunt them down at parties, and otherwise make ourselves so available that the man basically has to alter his behavioural patterns to get away from us. Ladies, I have something to tell you: shameless and reckless pursuit is not the business

Men are hunters and we must give them the opportunity to do that. Otherwise they just get bored and we have to work overtime to maintain their interest.

I have a new strategy these days and it goes like this: I give a man three signs that I would be open to his advances. Three subtle signs. If he doesn’t catch on after that he’s either a) too stupid for me or b)not interested in me and he either gets demoted to jump-off status or erased from my radar.

Ladies, how do you chase? Men, how do you like to be chased?

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 23

  1. emti says:

    i've learned the hard way that chasing just doesn't work…it doesn't get you the guy and it leaves you feeling desperate (just a bit lol). So i'm not doing it anymore…i'm not going feign disinterest but my new motto is: if you want me come get me and if you don't you're a panty meat

  2. RR-HLBB says:

    I too learned the hard way…but my attempts at chasing were pitiful at best.
    Now, I don't pursue at all, not motivated by that whole "he's just not that into you" stuff, but more out of good old fashioned-ness. I have to be the alpha dog in just about every other aspect of my life…this is the one place that I've decided not to be.

    And as usual maxfab your last paragraph is 100% me!

  3. @__melissa says:

    lol….panty meat never gets old.

  4. maxfab says:

    totally agree with you ladies – chasing doesn't work and i'm not doing it anymore but i will give a little nudge just so i can be sure that he knows what's up.
    or maybe that's one last desperation holdout.
    at any rate, a man who needs to be chased is a – what? panty meat!

  5. @__melissa says:

    i don't chase and never have. it pains me to see girls act in desperation just for male attention and i'm always really conscious of never wanting to look like one of these girls.

    i might be guilty of being too available once the chase is over tho. you still kinda have to keep it up once the actual chase is over.

  6. killa says:

    i'm a chaser.


  7. Jonell says:

    I dont chase… you said it perfectly "If he doesn’t catch on after that he’s either a) too stupid for me or b)not interested in me and he either gets demoted to jump-off status or erased from my radar." women still want men to play the role of "the man" and if ur too lazy to make the efforts to get me then are they worth it? should i even give them my energy? nah!!!

  8. emti says:

    being chased right now and LOVING IT lol

  9. maxfab says:

    killa i sooo don't see you as a chaser!
    i miss my chasing days. i like the feeling of being in control. but i end up looking like a crazy desperate stalker and that is

  10. maxfab says:

    you're right – and that is the hardest part. it's like you have to be 'on' for the entire duration of the relationship. so tiring!

  11. maxfab says:

    you're totally right. i do still sometimes worry 'oh what if he's shy?' but the thing is – if a dude is too shy to step to me he's probably not the one for me so…yeah, no chasing.

  12. PKGM says:

    I must say that in my more recent years I have become a woman who doesn't beat around the bush…I might not directly chase (holler) but I make it VERY obvious that I like what I see and that you are free to approach without fear of being shot down. So far so good. I am trying to hang up my aggressor hat and fall into my gender role a bit more often. Men will appreciate a woman who understands those dynamics. Men are taught to be hunters and gatherers and they love to show off that skill. Right now I return glances and flash a smile and wait for them to grab their proverbial clubs and come and get me! I feel that women will always appreciate a cave man over a wall flower.

  13. Johnny From LiveAGL says:

    I'm not a girl so this question doesn't apply to me…but I don't thnk it's all that bad for a female to chase a dude…most guys that are comfortable in their shoes find it refreshing actually…or maybe it's just me. I think as a guy, always being the predator is tiring….so I'm ok with a chaser as long as she's not "clingy" or "crazy"…

  14. keishabrown says:

    we are damned if we do and damned if we dont
    i hate the fact that we as grown a$$ adults still have to chase each other like it's recess and we're playing red light/green light. seriously…why can't i just introduce myself without it being seen as desparate or emasculating? why can't we just wait for the dude to step up to the plate without it being seen as setting back the feminist movement?
    unfortunately, i have no answers to these questions…
    My recent post quiethaylestorm- People think the grass is greener on the other side- and it’s not The Grass is greener where you water it! Via Chronicles of Social Esq

  15. sdukez says:

    Damn.. I'm a chaser. Like I kinda lived for the chase. I go for what i want. If I get it, then yippee! If I don't, then ehh. I'll sulk then keep it moving pimpin. Life's too short to dwell on lost peen forever. There's more where it came from! 🙂 But I'm gonna relax with the chase. Cuz my feet are tired. And I've been running through some minds..all day. 😀
    My recent post Even when youre wrong- youre right

  16. Gem of the Ocean says:

    i dont chase or make the first move. i prefer to be "pursued" by men. i want him to take the lead and make the first move. because those are the courtships i tend to enjoy the most. the one time i took the lead to be the more aggressive one, the relationship was unhealthy and i didnt get what i wanted or needed from it . and i do think to some degree the kind of man he turned out to be was correlated with his need to be chased and wanting me to constantly "show" him how into him i was.
    My recent post Well Maintained ≠ High Maintenance

  17. Dr. J says:

    You may not want to chase a guy, but I would say that putting yourself in the path of destruction is a good idea. And with guys of a certain nature, mainly those in high demand, you will have to chase, put yourself in the path of destruction and ward off other suitors. I experience this all the time in a city that has more Black folks than most. It's still a luxury tax that women have to pay to date a young successful Black man with ambition, no kids or record.
    My recent post Touch It Whydontcha

  18. CHeeKZ Money says:

    This past wknd at a cookout, I introduced my BF wifey's best looking friend. This was all intentional on my part, b/c I feed the wolves. What was shocking was how this was also my wifey's intention. Her friends were/are struggling meeting men being new to NYC and my dude is 'a catch'.
    It was nice to see the playing field change. She stayed on him all afternoon, but kept it very women like. People who came later, thought they were already a couple.
    End of the night rolls around, and she got smooth. For a girl more people would rate an 8.5 (but I would rate a dime), she was fearless. No hesitation. I figure a girl that use to being chased would either be to hard headed or nervous. Plus my man felt great to be wanted.

  19. smartsx says:

    what are the 3 subtle signs?

    1. max says:

      Oh it depends on the man/situation. Different every time.

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