Ah the amazing disappearing man. Songs are written about him, books celebrate his ability to transcend time, entire blogs are dedicated to him. It’s a sad fact of the life of a single woman that every now and then you’re gonna lose a man. Not lose in the sense of “we were in a relationship and I fcuked up and now I’ve lost the love of my life”, but lose in the sense of misplace; as in “I don’t know where that man got to. I just saw him a minute ago and now he’s completely disappeared”.
The amazing disappearing man is not an actual man, he’s more like the alter ego of your current man. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, the amazing disappearing man will appear (ha!) as a result of stimulus. The pisser is though that his victims rarely get to know what the catalyst of the disappearance was. And the real pisser is that the disappearance can occur anywhere from one minute to five years after the fact.
Say for example you and the FWB are hitting it hot and heavy one night. After the seeds are wiped up all is said and done he’s a little bit quieter than usual. But you’re too busy congratulating yourself for the hurting you just put on him to ask why your chum is so glum. You skip off along your merry way knowing that that boy isn’t about to forget your name in a hurry. Until a few weeks go by and your vagina starts tapping you on the shoulder and you look around and homeboy has disappeared. He hasn’t hit you up, he’s not responding to your texts or emails, and since this is a mutual jump-off society you can’t really show up at his house or ask around about his whereabouts without looking thirsty. You have to just accept it – he done disappeared.
This story repeats itself endlessly through history. Maybe it’s the dude you had a few great dates with, maybe it’s the one you met online who invited you travel cross-country to visit him but wasn’t there when you arrived in his city. The amazing disappearing man comes in all varieties and he’s a fcuking asshole.
So what’s a gal to do when a man amazingly disappears on her? Well there’s not a lot she can do – no point searching for someone who doesn’t want to be found. Spreading the word among your common friends is only going to let the world know that someone has gone into hiding to get away from you. Writing bad haikus about love offered and withdrawn is only going to burn out the eyeballs of the friends who are forced to read it.
My advice to you? Move on with your life. Because if there’s one thing that’s true about the amazing disappearing man it’s this – sooner or later he always comes slithering out of his hole. Usually about 30 seconds after you’ve forgotten all about him. Be ready.
So ladies, have you ever had a man amazingly disappear on you? Did you know why? Did he come back? And men – I know you have pulled this trick at least once in your life. Explain yourself in the comments.