The Complexities of Dealing with a Busy Dude

It’s that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) by nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

In the battlefield of dating, busy dudes are a single woman’s land mine: invisible to the naked eye, unpredictable, and liable to blow up in your face. And therefore, probably better off avoided.

Sadly, in life – as in war – the only foolproof way to avoid injury is to skip the battle altogether; and that’s no fun is it? The key instead is to have some kind of battle plan in place to minimize the damage. But I’ll get into that in a minute.

Since the unofficial motto of this blog is “know thine enemy”, let’s take a moment to examine our adversary. The busy dude comes in three types:

1. The Busy Professional

This guy has a job that you’re expected to be impressed by; entertainment, sports, politics, and media are filled with these assholes dudes. His work requires him to keep irregular hours, always be on the phone, become unavailable at the last minute, and be around a lot of women.

His MO: He bemoans his busy-ness as something he hates but can’t avoid. You’ll feel sorry for him and be extra-understanding.

2. The Busy Father

This guy has a regular schedule, but he also has kids to whom he is devoted. Which is charming and admirable. He usually has a contentious relationship with the “crazy” mother of his children.

His MO: He’ll tell you right from jump that spending time with his children is his first priority; you won’t mind because that’s as it should be. The first time he plays the daddy card has to cancel plans because of his kids he’ll be extra-apologetic. The 2nd-100th time, not so much.

3. The Temporarily Busy Dude

For the most part this dude has a normal job and a normal life, but every once and while something pops up in his schedule that causes him to vanish into thin air. Just as you’re getting ready to move on with your life, he’ll reappear and have all the time in the world for you.

His MO: You won’t know you’re dealing with this dude until he’s gone. Everything will start out hunky dory and then he’ll suddenly stop calling. Usually after you’ve slept with him the first time. This dude doesn’t want to call you unless he has time to have a long conversation with you, so expect long silences broken up with bursts of him being all up in your crotches.

What all these dudes have in common is the one thing every girl’s a sucker for: passion. Listen to busy professional talk about his latest project and you’ll swoon at the thought of him being so devoted to you. Let busy dad show you pictures of his kids and you’ll imagine the light that is shining in his eyes directed at you. And since temporarily busy dude’s disappearances are usually caused because he was helping someone in need; you’ll be charmed by his dedication to the ones he loves.

Now whether these dudes are legitimately busy or just pulling the ultimate #swindle, to deal with the busy man a gal needs a game plan. And since I just love telling you what to do, here is yours:

1. Set boundaries.

Real boundaries, ladies, not the kind you pretend to have when you’re talking to your girls but forget all about when he’s cheesing in your face. A certain amount of understanding is required when dealing with these types, but don’t let him run all over you.

2. Know when you’re beaten

A busy man is not for everyone. I rate these dudes because I like my space; but the average woman cannot deal gracefully with this type. If you’re the type to make a scene every time your man’s schedule gets in the way of your plans, you might want to skip the busy dude.

3. Remember this: he is not Barack Obama

There is only one man in the world is truly so busy that he cannot find time to contact you and that is Barack Obama. If you’re not getting so much as a three-word text message at least once a week, throw that fish back honey. He’s a dud.

That’s my take on busy dudes…what’s yours? Ladies how do you deal with this type? Men, tell us – is busy just a #swindle or do these guys have a legitimate issue?

And don’t forget the nominations for the Black Weblog Awards! Easy instructions are right here.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 32

  1. @MsEsquire77 says:

    I loved the entire post but my favorite part is #3 of the action plan. I have a life-work, friends, volunteer work, etc.-so I don't need to be posted up under some man 24/7. However, I make time for the people who are important for me. Unless you're in law enforcement and have gone deep undercover it is never acceptable to dis-a-damn-pear and think you can make a resurgence into my life without there being consequences.

    If a man's too "busy" to talk to or spend time with me with he can kick rocks because I'm not waiting around for scraps.

  2. Skye Blue says:

    Ha! The he'll stop calling after you've slept with him line made me laugh out loud.

    Although I don't think it's a swindle in all cases, I definitely think it's a clear lifestyle choice. If a man designs his life so he has little time to spend with the woman or women in it, and keeps it that way for a long period of time – he's making a clear choice. So, a woman who chooses to be with him needs to accept that or move on.

    Trying to change him or getting angry when he has to cancel plans isn't cool – especially in the case of #1 and #2.

  3. maxfab says:

    Hahahaha and welcome!
    I forgot about deep undercover – okay so unless you're Barack Obama or Donnie Brasco there's no reason for you to disappear.

  4. melissa says:

    there is no reason for a temporarily busy (aka disappearing) dude. i was once talking to this guy who said he broke his wrist and said he didn't want to see me for the 6 weeks he had his cast on because he didn't want to be a downer and ruin his chances with me. so he literally disappeared for 6 weeks. but 6 weeks later, he came back and was like, "cast is off! we can go out now" like it wasn't weird that i didn't hear from him at all during that time.

    i can deal with a busy dude so long as he is legitimately busy (aka don't tell me it's a meeting when it's not) and as long as he lets me know i'm on his mind (call when he has a minute just to say hi, etc).

  5. Dr. J says:

    Ern… so much to say, not sure where to begin. Some guys are legitimately busy, I used to only date women in my industry because I have #1 and #3 down to a tee. The nature of my work is average work weeks of 50 hours, when I leave work, I have to get personal things done, eat, and then get some rest. During the week, my time is limited, I may keep a flame, but if she doesn't understand my hustle it won't work. ALSO, sometimes that 50 hours shoots up to 70-80 hours when a deliverable is on the way. I disappear off the face of the earth because i'm at work or sleep. Now will I send a text, probably, will she have to text me first, probably. My text will be quick, and may disappoint. Her text might get lost in the inbox because I am meaning to text her back but I get too busy with other things… le sigh.

  6. Dr. J says:

    You said something here that I think I should address… dudes who won't call because they think they'll be on the phone forever. This is fact. A lot of men would like to call and say, hey i'm thinking about you, shoot the breeze for about 2 minutes and then get back to what they're doing, but they know that the woman wants to talk for 10-20-30 minutes, and once they try to pull away after 5, they will get attitude or pouting. We ain't trying to hear all that, so we just skip the call altogether.

  7. Dr. J says:

    Now these days, I will let a woman know how to work with my schedule, up front. I will show her, how I make her a priority. When I have free time, I make an attempt to let her know, this is my down time and i'm spending it with you. Or I give her the cheat sheet… if you want a man, get in his path of destruction. If a man works, eats, and sleeps. Try doing one of those with him and you will spend time with him.

  8. maxfab says:

    Okay let me be clear and address this point: I didn't mean to imply at all that I think busy is always a #swindle. There are a lot of truly busy dudes out there and I respect that. But there are also a lot of dudes out there who just hide behind the guise of busy when really they're just flop.

    The point of the post was though that whether it's legitimate busy-ness or just the busy #swindle, there's still a code of acceptable behaviour on both sides.

  9. maxfab says:

    This makes sense. I can't even argue with it. It's one of those things where he can't win for losing. If he calls and keeps it short she's unsatisfied; if he doesn't call at all he's an a$$hole.

    But this is where the "hey just wanted to say hi/hope your week is going well/talk to you soon" text is useful. Most women just want to know she's on your mind while you're doing your thing.

  10. maxfab says:

    I think it's okay to get a little angry about canceled plans….it depends on the circumstance. Busy is not always a #swindle, but it isn't an excuse for poor manners. I have the patience of Job for dealing with these types, but if I'm dressed and out the door and you're texting me to tell me you can't make it I will be pissed!

  11. maxfab says:

    I hate the disappearing dude. That's a panty meat move for real.

    I'm with you though. I can deal with legitimate busy and I'm happy just to know I'm on his mind…and that when he has time I'll get some.

  12. maxfab says:

    I think we need a Dr. J guest post on how to get in the path of destruction…it's not easy to pull off when things are new.

  13. Streetz says:

    This is a legitimate list. Also, a lot of women don't want to hear that you're bust, even when you're busy!! I dealt with women like this, and it's a total pain!

  14. Patrice says:

    I love this post!

    Oh the faux-busy men are my favorite! Just busy doing everything else but spending time with their girl or wife! Busy due to work, school and kids (I don't deal with me who have kids, but hey, it's just a preference) is one thing, but going to the local soccer or cricket match from morning 'til night, or attempting to work on cars with 10 of your boys as an excuse to talk shit and drink beer DOES NOT COUNT! My rule of thumb is simple: If he wants to spend time with you, he will.

    I don't have to see you everyday, but it is important that I hear from you through one form of communication… text, 2-second call, or email; 'cause I'm one of those girls who feels that if you are out of touch, then you are out of mind and once you are out of my mind the idea of a relationship with me is no longer a possibility.

    -PKGM

  15. livelovelibra says:

    I agree with all three types, and I daresay I've dealt with all three types…in my opinion, it doesn't really take that long to send a text saying "hey just wanted to see how you're doing…", it might take all of 10 seconds. I think we're all busy to an extent, but as my mom says, "you make time for who and what you want to make time for…" It's not imperative that we have long, drawn-out discussions on the daily, or that I see you on the daily, but I should at least hear from you. There are way too many methods of communication available for you to not say anything to me…

  16. maxfab says:

    Streetzie don't think I haven't noticed that you have an ex-girl for every topic I write about.

  17. maxfab says:

    Yes the term busy only applies to legitimate, edifying enterprises. The barber shop and house league basketball do not count.

    Here's a general question though: how much contact do we need from a busy dude? I think I can be good if I hear from him once a week…some ladies need to hear from their man daily. What say you all?

  18. maxfab says:

    "There are way too many methods of communication available for you to not say anything to me… "

    Exactly.

    And while I can possibly overlook a busy dude who doesn't reach out, I cannot rate one who doesn't respond when I do. I don't care how many messages are in your inbox, that's just rude.

  19. Streetz says:

    Maybe its me?

  20. emti says:

    I'll admit I need it on the daily

  21. __melissa says:

    I like some kind if contact on the daily. Even just a text to check in. Esp if its someone you usually hear from or see often…a day without hearing from them seems a lot longer.

  22. maxfab says:

    On the daily right from the beginning? Or when you're settled in?

  23. emti says:

    all the effing time lol
    it doesn't have to be a long convo but a check in is mandatory…i would prefer more than one but at the very least a text…it's not that hard

  24. maxfab says:

    Hmmm…I would love to see how you communicate this expectation to a new dude.

  25. emti says:

    haha it's not like i lay down ground rules when we get together lol
    it just happens…maybe i just meet guys who like that too?
    i do tend to run from "busy" guys…i don't believe them…they need more people

  26. maxfab says:

    Whereas I gravitate toward busy dudes like a moth to a flame…sigh.

    But the thing is once we get established I love a busy dude. It's just at the beginning that it's frustrating as shit.

  27. Patrice says:

    Yup! I need it daily! That is how "genuine interest" is proven to me…If you can't deal, then I am just not the girl for you. I am also in touch daily…I always give what I expect from others. Yeah, I'm cool like dat! ;-)

  28. Patrice says:

    Yeah…I just don't believe anyone is ever that busy in life…Unless you are running for office or dealing with YOUR company that is on the brink of ruin.

  29. maxfab says:

    I wonder if you can train a dude into daily contact….

  30. dripta says:

    i feel dealing with a busy guy requires a lot of patience i can understand it from the various expereinces of my current relationship with a guy 12 yrs older than me.

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