First Time Fail

It’s that time of year again. Nominations for the Black Weblog Awards have started and I would really like one. So show how much you love me (and I know you do) nominating me. You can get all the details and sh*t over here.

So when we last talked about first time sex, we stopped before it started. You’d met him. You’d charmed him.  Tweeted, texted, and talked. You went on the requisite number of dates. And then the big day came. He came over and ya’ll boned.  And it was weak sauce. What now?

A reader recently asked me to give some tips on how to recover from the first-time flop. It was a difficult concept for me to wrap my brain around because I’m a total sex is like pizza girl. So as usual I took it to the internets in the form of a poll. I asked “Can you recover from bad first-time sex? How?” What I got was a whole bunch of “nope”s.

Apparently for everyone I know, a bad first-time slam is a dealbreaker. As one of my twitterpeeps put it, it’s like a job interview….if you don’t do well you’re obviously not suitable for the position. That’s it. No second chances, no do-overs. One shot and you’re out.

Now I love pipe more than as much as the next girl, but to me this is just crazy talk. You’re gonna throw out a perfectly decent man for one bad thronx? Well then give him my number! That’s not very smart. So if you’re like me and you want to try to overcome a first-time flopshow, here are my 3 tips.

1. Get back on the horse…like, immediately.

This tip comes courtesy of my girl Skye of Rather than each player sitting around stewing over the loss, have a re-match as soon as possible. You’ll both have something to prove, some of the first-time awkwardness may have diminished, and you never know what might come.

2. Read the signs

Now this is something you should always be doing; but when you’re in recovery mode it might be extra helpful. Watch and listen closely to what your partner says and does; how they respond various stimuli. For example, if a man spanks me playfully outside of the bedroom and he’s watching closely, he’ll see a look of delight light up my eyes quickly before I laugh and push him away. That’s a sign that it would probably be okay in the bedroom. Or tell him stories about things you’ve “heard” and guage his reaction. Like “oh I was just reading about this really interesting thing called the Cincinatti Bowtie. It’s when you….” if he contorts his face in horror then you know to tread lightly when it comes to that kind of stuff. If he starts extolling the virtues of this technique, you know to run for the hills something about him too.

3. If all else fails, talk about it

This scenario presupposes that you and your partner have taken some time before you hopped in the sack, so by now you’ve probably built up some kind of rapport. You know each other at least a little bit and you should be able to sit down and have a grownup conversation about sex. I have no tips for you as to what to say or when to say it, but this seems like it would work.

What do you guys think? Do you throw back a partner if the first time is a flop? Or are you willing to work at finding a solution? Do you have any tips for overcoming the first time #fail? Educate us all in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 16

  1. Skye Blue says:

    Okay, i'm going to add a corollary to the whole getting right back on the horse thing. Doing so is totally dependent on how bad of a flop the first time was. For example, if no matter how many times he tries the first time out he ejaculates too fast or no matter how much tell the girl you want her to actively participate she just lies there – then perhaps you should shelve that partner.

    However, if the flop had more to do with not being completely clear about what the other person needed or wanted – a situation that can be fixed with a little discussion – I think giving the person another shot (especially if you like them) is a good idea.

  2. Dr. J says:

    I think that a lot of times how you set up the first time can predict your ability to succeed. If your first time is when you both are wasted after going out for drinks, it might be some of the sloppiest sex of your life and could in fact suck when he blows a gasket in your walls. There's nothing worse than black out sex because no one ever remembers it. I agree with getting back on the horse, but sometimes a wack experience confirms a person who is just not good in bed.

    I once dated a girl for a while. Casually dating off and on for months. Never slept with her, and I got the feeling she was a prude. Finally one day I just went all the way in… slept with her. It was and then she said, "Sex really isn't my thing, I can go without." And I was like, okay so if it's cool with you, i'd like to not count you, deal?

  3. MostInterestingMITW says:

    Good Topic Max,

    I like Dr. J's thought on it – the set up is a big part of it. If you really like the person, it seems really tough for it to have been bad. I've never had bad first time s_x with someone I'm really into at the moment. I mean, the excitement for both of you, of walking into an apartment knowing all you have to do is not say something stupid – that sorta tension should only result in amazing s_x.

    Now, I did arrive early one time on a first time smash… like really early, I mean like within 15 strokes early (her joint was off the chain) but – I hit her with the 'Oh Snap the co_dom broke #swindle. Luckily, my post ejac recovery time is second to none so I was able to switch jammies, re-up and lay it down right. That was the closest I've ever come to being bad on a first time smash. I don't know how that happens.

  4. MostInterestingMITW says:


    If it does happen though, I think the second chance should be gender specific. If a dude is wack the first time, it's only right you give him a second chance to see if that was a fluke. I mean, if you both have allowed yourself to go this far, spent money on dates, spent time getting comfortable with each other – why give up on all of that, just because it was weak the first time. If a chick is wack, that's a little different. It's different because if a chick is wack in bed, it's not a fluke. Women don't really have off days. Once they decide they're boning – they're all in. So, if she decided to, and wasn't bout it bout it – it's probably because she's like the chick Jax described. The type that can really do without sex. In that case you have to decide whether you feel like the chemistry and everything else about her and you two together, is worth training and coaching to try to make the s_x acceptable.

    Stay thirst my friends,

  5. Streetz says:

    Where men eff up with bad sex is theyll hit once, then will be done. Theyll forego foreplay, thinking that the D can cure all ailments, and fall flat on their faces. What they need to know is, you have to treat a sex session like a baseball game. on average, a hitter will get 3 at-bats. You need to get a hit in at least 1 or at the very least draw a walk (break time/more foreplay during downtime). I dont understand these 1 and done dudes honestly.

    Get back in the game and make it happen. Leave that door open and its curtains

  6. Nick_L_Odeon says:

    i agree with MIMITW- after about 11 years, i decided to give my first love a shot.. we were 15 when we dated and i was "untapped" so it never popped off then.. now that we were older, i decided to give him a shot because he was always on a pedestal in my book..
    ummm.. yeah….. no bueno…
    and i decided to give him another shot because in my mind i'm thinking "that had to have been a fluke"..
    ummmm…. yeah…….
    so now, we're just cool… however, i saw him over the weekend and he started hinting at certain things…
    nooo…. that's not gonna fly…
    other than him, i've never had bad first time chex.. if it's some dude i just started dealing with, i'm not so sure i'm gonna give him another chance to f*dge it up.. i'd like to think that the reason i gave my ex another chance is because we had all those years of history..
    if i know there's a possibility that it's gonna be wack (again) i don't even know how i can get myself all ready and geared up for that.. i'm.just.being.honest….

  7. Toni says:

    So how do you approach that the sex was bad…males have some fragile egos when it comes to their sex game

  8. MostInterestingMITW says:

    Well, firstly, if the male you're dealing with has a fragile ego – that's an issue in itself. I don't know that a guy lacking confidence can ever be really good in bed.

    That said, if you're nervous about talking to him about it, just address the issue head on. Don't do it right after you finish and don't be critical during, but, in the time your spending no having s_x, tell him about some of the things you like and don't like. For example – I'm big on tounge to ear contact. I love it when a woman does it to me, so, I automatically assumed every woman would love it when done to them. One girl I dealt with hated it. One day, she told me over a meal that it throws her off when I do that, she said it with perfect mix of seriousness and humor so we laughed about it and I made a mental note. It's as simple as that.

    Also – if all else fails – don't be afraid to hop on top and go get yours…

    In every sport, the best players are the ones who accept criticism from their coaches.

  9. Patrice says:

    This is the rub! I've had to deal with sensitive egos on a few occasions…one took it heart so hard that he constantly brings it up whenever we are casually speaking…ugh! Anywho…MITW's friend did it the right way.

    I too HATE the ear thing, and after moving away from that boy's mouth a couple times, and since he obviously didn't get the hint, I just looked him the eye and bluntly said (without that look of disgust) …"I don't like that, can you please stop. Thanks" He stopped and all was well from that point forward.

    Yeah…I always give a second chance and sometimes more cause in my experience s-x gets better once we are in sync…we know what each other likes and so forth.

    Well, I guess long story short…not all men can be certified cocksman and not all women will be Mata Hari their first time at bat. Good hunting kiddies.


  10. maxfab says:

    Some general follow-ups:

    1. All day yesterday I was prancing around saying "I don't get it, I've never had bad sex, wtf is bad sex?". And then I remembered this post:
    Um, yeah. That was bad sex.

    2. I hate the ear thing too

  11. Sam Sharpe says:

    I totally agree on the gender specific thing…wack girls are just wack girls. That sh** almost never gets better….having said that, I'm always open to being proven wrong

  12. MadScientist7 says:

    i know for one thing i've had a lot of first time flops with previous partners. some were due to her part and honestly some were my doing. sometimes it takes 2-3 times to get comfortable with a person physically. some of my best experiences have been with women whom it really didn't go down like that the first time. *shrug* i could have been like she was wack and didn't try again then i would have missed out. out of the advice given i think number 1 would be the best.

  13. MadScientist7 says:

    "And I was like, okay so if it's cool with you, i'd like to not count you, deal"

    i've never heard a dude say that. it had to be REALLY bad. lol

  14. CHeeKZ Money says:

    No No NO NO NO!
    First time … I can make no promises. Sometimes I just can't get my mind right and the stop go technique just FAILS. In order to stay 'calm' I need complete control. The abliity to stop when I need to stop.. maybe watch some law and order. Than come back to the sheezies.

    Its a shame b/c I love the thrill of the first time, but I guess I love it too much. Timing usually isn't a problem after the first time, but again, I make no promises.

  15. maxfab says:

    CHeeKZ! Where you been? You missed the Head 101 post!

  16. CHeeKZ Money says:

    Vegas…. I know a few strippers there that need to read that post.

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