If there is one truth to life as a single woman, it is this: into every girl's mouth a penis must eventually be placed.
Whether you’re a special-occasion kinda gal who fails at life only brings out the blow jobs on birthdays and anniversaries or a human vacuum who is never happier than when she has something to suck on, you can’t really get through singledom without giving a little head.
But it can be a pretty daunting thing sometimes, can’t it? Putting aside the issue of hygiene and possibly having to ingest something that tastes like warm salty laundry detergent, figuring out how to give your guy a good head job can be confusing as sh*t if you don’t know what you’re doing. Or if you didn’t have me to tell you. Luckily you do so here it is: a 101 Guide to Giving Head
1. Be enthusiastic…or at least seem like it
There is no point to being down there if you’re gonna be mad about it. If you can’t summon the enthusiasm on your own, just conjure up your favourite porn star and throw out a few well-timed moans. This makes your man feel like his penis is the best thing to hit your mouth since your last piece of chocolate, and a man who is getting head is dumb enough to believe that might be true. If that isn’t enough to get you turned on, you might try thinking about it in terms of power; you are never more in control of your man than when you have his brain in your mouth. Whatever spin you have to take, be happy you’re down there or don’t bother going.
2. No teeth…unless they ask for it
99.9% of men are going to tell you they don’t want to feel your teeth on their piece. Even if you’re not biting it, the first little graze they feel is going to make him freak out and go soft and then you’ll have to work overtime to restore the bone. So do him a favour and save yourself the extra work by keeping your teeth well away from his peen.
3.Don’t ignore the balls…if for no other reason than to give yourself a break
Here’s the thing about balls: men really like it when you put them in your mouth. Sound disgusting? Well, it kinda is but here’s the other great thing about balls: they’re a lot easier to suck on than a penis. So when your jaw starts to get tired, a quick trip down to the sack region makes it all okay.
4. Don’t rule out swallowing
I know, I know it’s nasty. But they really, really like it. So do your best. Unless it will make you vomit, in which case you can skip it and just let him shoot his wad on your face instead.
5. Make it look good
Realistically, has any man ever complained about getting head because she didn’t make it look good? Probably not, so this is for my advance ladies or those of you who are gunning for an engagement ring have some kind of compelling reason to make a really good impression. If you want to go that extra mile, consider the esthetics of the thing. Watch some porn and see how good those ladies look while they’re giving head, and then try to emulate that in real life.
6. Establish a rhythm
You know when you’re in bed with a dude and he’s doing something that is winning? And you say “keep doing exactly that” or “don’t stop”, which causes him to immediately stop, change pace, or otherwise eff up the wave you were riding? It sucks right? Yeah same thing applies here. Don’t jump wildly from one technique to the next with no rhyme or reason. It confuses them and just makes your job longer.
7. A whole lotta spit
The penis is a delicate thing and if you’re gonna be rubbing and tugging on it you want to make sure it feels nice. Dry dicks don’t feel nice. So make sure you lube that sucker up good. I’m not suggesting you hawk one on him like they do in the pornos (unless you’re into that) but make sure the area is well-lubricated.
Ladies did I miss anything? Men what do you think of my tips? And let me send a special shout out to my all-time favourite reader who provided invaluable insight into this post.
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Standing ovation! I am literally standing and applauding this post. Anyone not understanding this is so far gone…
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#4 FTW "spitters are quitters"
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you did miss the mention of the tongue. flick a little under there, swirl it around that….
i will add tho….women should stop thinking about it as daunting, disgusting, nasty (your words). don't get me wrong…outside of the context of sex, sticking it in your mouth IS gross. if i'm walking down the street and you suggest me sticking some random dude's peepee in my mouth, that's gross. but in the context of sex, with someone you're into, it's not gross. as soon as you get over that, you'll enjoy it more and he'll enjoy it more.
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OOH HOO!!! nah, you didn't miss a thing…
i'm not gonna lie, getting/giving an "aussie kiss" gets me ready for the main event.. i like the rush i feel from making said dude close his eyes in pleasure..
who wouldn't love that!!
and yes, the balls is the untapped way to relieve jaw stress.. and if you can get both of them and juggle them like maraschino cherries.. then that's a good look too.. (that's what he says anyway)
i am selective about who gets my throat action, but dang, if we're havin chex, then yeah it's on the menu.. and any woman who doesn't put it on the menu deserves an eye jab..
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Yes!
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I can't believe I forgot to say that!
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Tongue action is a good tip melissa. I should have mentioned that.
And you're right – women should stop thinking of it as disgusting and recognize head for the thing of beauty it truly is.
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In the past I've been pretty selective too, but I was recently informed that that is a "backward" way of thinking and that if you're f*cking you should be sucking. Every time.
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not the first time…sorry Sam Sharpe
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^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^^^
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I think Sam Sharpe said you can get a pass on first-time head didn't he?
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oh…and you forgot to mention making eye contact.
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Oooooh good one!
And someone on twitter mentioned humming. And slurping sounds.
Maybe I need to do a 201 guide to head for really advanced students.
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I guess in the next post you will talk about ways to make it more fun like using ice, or mints etc
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and i think we need a version for men… like "just because it's called eating doesn't mean you gotta chew" #justsayin
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I'm giving this post a slow clap….I can't emphasize the importance of good head game. I'm getting ready to send this out to all the worthless (read: non head giving) girls I've come across in my time….Oh, and I will give a pass on first time head–but you better believe I'd be putting her on a short leash.
It's 2010. Unless you're still rocking a school uniform, a lunchbox and a protractor, giving head should be compulsory. Extra points for #4. Any girl who's swallowing immediately rockets to the head of my class (All lame puns intended).
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Oh, thought I should also add that if you're not down for swallowing, a little facial action or even a pearl necklace may be suitable alternatives.
Having said that, you should really consider swallowing for two reasons:
1. It enhances his pleasure….immeasurably. And don't you care about his pleasure?
2. Less cleanup. No one likes a mess.
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I so agree with a version for men… you don't want to earn the nickname "Chewbacca" fellas
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so if i don't give head the first time but i swallow on the second we're good?
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Or if I give head the first time and every subsequent time but I only swallow on special occasions am I good?
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i'd rather swallow than take it in the face.
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Excellent points in the post and the addtions as well – tongue, humming, slurping, I'm a little lax on eye contact – I have an oral fetish so I'm usually too into it to think about looking up
*heavy sigh*
So where do I go to sign up for my "eye jab", LOL, cause head is NOT on the menu for every sex partner…sorry. Unless it's a commited monogamous relationship, his peen will not know the glory of my mouth. I hate to kill the "happy go sucky" tone of the comment section, maybe I'm just misunderstanding but I don't get all this raw sucking and swallowing. STD's can be transmitted via oral sex…I've just never understood the idea of using condoms for sex but being willing to eat the disease. A lot of people engage in "uncommited" relations, myself included, but just cause I need him for that release doesn't mean he's gotta get sucked – and I don't suck on latex, eff a flavored one and eff flavored lube too – I like the taste of idck so even tho it may only be when I'm in a CMR, I'll wait!
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oh, we'd be excellent.
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that is acceptable
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Good points HeadMistress….I can't speak for anyone else, but my comments presuppose a certain regularity to the relationship…if you're doing the one night stand thing I think it's reasonable to keep a few things off the table….
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I think all the ladies just breathed a sigh of relief at that….I know I did. I thought we were mandated to give head to randoms now.
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ewwww
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Perhaps it's my inner Klump, but I am waaaaay more into it when chocolate is involved. A little hersheys drizzle ain't neva hurt nobody, lol.
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same…i don't do the random thing to begin with. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but its just not my thing.
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I gotcha, I'm not even talking about one night stands – I mean even FWB or long term jump off situations. Basically any situation where exclusivity is not involved is a no-go on head for me. – giving or receiving – I'm no hypocrite, LOL
I, like Max, have been hit with the "that's backwards thinking" argument, but I consider the source on that advice: A. Man. Who. WANTS. Head. – so yeah seeing as how his advice is just a tad self-serving I'ma have to go with my gut and just say no
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So I have been lurking around for a minute but I had to comment! I am all down for "seasoning the cucumber." I am a student so I always stay in the library to make sure I am up on latest and the greatest in fellatio . I have found that once you get your skills up and can take the peen to the point where it is almost in the throat if you make the swallowing motion it drives them crazy. Not for the faint of heart or a serious gag reflex.
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Guys need to learn to kiss a girl after getting head!
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Please don't tell me there are still dudes out there not kissing after top. That's just rude!
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ahh.. i mentoned necklaces last week.. i don't mind a good pearl necklace.. those are fun…
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Wow that is serious advanced moves…I'll save that for the 301 post!
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I've never tried but that sounds like a good idea for real.
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that's very good to know…
it isn't lost on me that your name is a National Hero in Jamaica.. hmm..
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It's because he's not a real person.
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This is a nuff said post. You said it all Maxie!
Seriously, if you are going to go down there, make it good! No such thing as a lame duck. Forcing you to read the newspaper and watch Sportscenter to get some enjoyment out of the act…smh
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Yep! I used to frequent another blog where they speak proudly about this nonsense… According to them you (the man) are some kind of "nut guzzler" or something to that effect if you kiss her afterward…I say GFL gettin head with that attitude
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yes there is….
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That's just ridiculous.
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True. Although I will occasionally allow a man to watch basketball highlights while I'm down there…but only because I want to hear them too.
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max… i thought you were going to try to tone it down on this post… as we discussed yesterday?
big time fail in that department…
… but… great post anyways haha!
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Yeah I gave up. I was too tired to come up with something tame. That's what dinner with the dirty boys will do.
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Lol truth be told I still think I am a novice. I recently got in to the game and I am the type of girl that subscribes to "Go big or go home" logic. Plus Im a isht talker so all the stuff I learned was because I backed myself in a corner and had to come out deep throating. lol
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No one likes a mess! Exactly! Lets get it done and down the hatch because lets be real I will be in no mood to get up and get a rag for clean up.
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true. damn them!
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ha!
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Max: I've read some of your posts and thoroughly enjoyed all of them. But this one was a thing of beauty. You've got me grinning at work like the cat that's about to swallow the canary.
I agree with all of the comments: eye contact, wet tongue lashings, strong strokes, good rhythm.
My two cents: if his hands aren't already there, I take his hands and indicate for him to grab my hair. Don't know why, but the feeling of being guided by a pair of strong hands heightens my own pleasure immensely.
Thanks for the great post!
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Why thank you! And welcome!
I totally co-sign on the putting his hands on my head. I always do that. It's hot!
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just getting around to this post. great tips. you'd be surprised how many women are just plain bad at giving head. number 4 is crazy. i don't know any woman who wouldn't try to cut a man's balls off if he let loose in her face. lol
i would had multitasking between hand motions and sucking motions.
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That is a good one…I had intended to incorporate that into the establish a rhythm one but I was drunk with tiredness when i wrote it and I forgot.
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Ditto.
good tips, Max.
It saddens me that posts like this are even necessary in 2010 but…good stuff nonetheless.
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i would also like to add that just because you have the knowledge (as written here) doesn't mean that you will properly execute and do a good job.
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Good point. It's kind of like the difference between having a skill and being an artist.
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Max this is an EXCELLENT guide for women that engage in the act.. I read this at work and sent the link to every dude in the dept…. They all thought this was ON POINT… One man all printed it to take home for his wife to read…
I think ladies should really take a look at this post and learn the rope(s)… Pun intended
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Yay! Thanks sweetie!
Please ask your co-worker to come by and tell me what happened when he brought the printout to his wife. I have a feeling there's a blog post in that.
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You know it's great head when you after it's all done and you try to walk and your legs/knees buckle beneath you…. COT DAMN!!!!
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I will surely ask him what happened
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LOL @ the guy who printed it for his wife to read. I can picture what he's going to say to her…"So I was introduced to his blog called Max-Logic and…"
Anyways Max this is a great post. I think the next time I engage in this act, I'm gonna make sure everything on the guide is followed.
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two thumbs (and tongue flicks waaaaay up). ; )
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Don't listen to max. I'm real. My name….well, it's heroic, don't ya think?
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*single tear runs down the corner of my eye and down the side of my nose*
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Practice makes perfect… (insert evil giggle here)
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I know I am late….but damn good post!!! You making me want to…. sniffle *runs of blog*
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I cried reading this. I'm going to have to refer to this in my posts for those that don't know. I wish I knew about this when I did that other post though. Brava Max. Brava.
My recent post Age vs Shoe Size
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great blog thank you
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unambiguous of put make public down gratefulness you
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