I'm not a romantic woman. I don't need soft music or rose petals to get me in the mood. Whispering sweet nothings in my ear will make me throw you out of bed. I think foreplay is over-rated. But there is one thing I insist on when it comes to secksy time: mood lighting.
It’s not that I’m afraid of taking off my clothes with the lights on – I recognize that the minor imperfections that plague most women are virtually undetected by a man when he’s looking at her naked. It’s more that I think that certain parts of the body go down better with a little soft focus. In other words, I think vaginas and penises are effing ugly.
Let’s really consider the vagina for a moment. Although it’s often referred to as a flower, it looks more like a Venus Flytrap to me. I have no idea how any man can look at the gash head-on in broad daylight and say “yeah that looks like a safe place to stick my most prized possession”. I’m a woman and I can’t make heads or tails of it – there are too many different colours and way too many nooks and crannies. Based on the way it looks, to me the vagina is like the Bermuda Triangle of human anatomy…some of the stuff that goes in there is never coming back out.
And then there’s the penis. Lord knows I’m so very grateful for its invention, but I would really really prefer not to have to look at it full-on. It’s…creepy. All those veins and different colours. And that weird slit at the top that looks like it’s watching you. If the vagina looks like a place you shouldn’t go, the penis is like an extraneous third person who showed up out of nowhere. And don’t even get me started on the uncircumcised ones. It’s all just too much for my delicate constitution.
Now let me just say for the record that I recognize that being visually assaulted by seeing your partner’s private parts is an essential part of sex. I accept that and it’s not like I start freaking out and covering my eyes when a d*ck comes into view anymore. I’m just saying that all my sexual fantasies involve Idris Elbadim lighting. Because while God might be in the details when it comes to architecture, He was clearly looking elsewhere during the final approval of the private parts.Happy Friday everyone!