I hate the beginnings of relationships, but I do like discovering people. Meeting someone who floats your boat and getting to know them can be exciting. The first few conversations – when you start to learn who they are, how they think, what they like – are a revelation. Or a disappointment. I have a [...]
I hate the beginnings of relationships, but I do like discovering people. Meeting someone who floats your boat and getting to know them can be exciting. The first few conversations – when you start to learn who they are, how they think, what they like – are a revelation. Or a disappointment.
I have a confession to make. I imagine people naked. Not just people whom I’m attracted to or want to sleep with, but all kinds of people. The teller at the bank when I make my deposit, the weird goth kid on the subway. It’s like an exercise for my imagination to look at the way someone’s body occupies their clothes and try to picture what that body looks like without the clothes. It’s rarely an appealing mental picture.
But when I’m feeling someone, my imagination goes beyond what they look like naked to what they act like naked. When I’m getting to know a new man, I spend an inordinate amount of time speculating about what he’s like in bed and using clues to try to paint his sexual portrait. Like – he listens to a lot of R&B so he’s probably Mr. Foreplay. Or he watches a lot of porn so he’s probably at least a little bit freaky. I spend hours trying to piece together an image of how this man behaves between the sheets.
Sidebar: you may be wondering why I don’t just bring it up during one of these “getting to know you” conversations. Here’s your answer – I think it’s bad form to discuss sex in detail with someone before you do it. Call me crazy, but I think it sets a bad precedent; and you’d be hard-pressed to find a man who can listen to a woman frankly discuss her sexual preferences and not come to the conclusion that she’s a whore-bag. But that’s another post for another day.
Where was I? Oh – fantasizing. So as I get to know someone and get more interested in inviting him to my private area, a sense of reluctance sits in. No matter what conclusions I’ve come to in all my speculation about his bedroom style, I know that it’s unlikely that I’m right. There’s very little that can be deduced about one’s sexual style in the course of regular getting-to-know-you conversation. And I don’t want to be disappointed.
See the thing is, I have some pretty definite tastes when it comes to bedroom action. I’m not going to get into details here because you guys already know waaaay too much of my business, but I know exactly what I like. And although I’m a firm believer in the “sex is like pizza” school of thought, I still dream of finding the man that I can tolerate with his clothes on who is also my perfect match when the clothes come off. Unfortunately, the twain rarely meet. I can think of only one instance in my life where I slept with a man who intuitively knew what I wanted and gave it to me. Honestly I think he probably knew more about what I wanted than I did. Problem was he was, let’s just say, not a match for me when the clothes were on. I’ve also been lucky enough to just totally click with someone mentally from the very beginning but between the sheets it was just…okay. Not that he was bad or small or anything like that. Just not the same style as me.
Now I know that someone out there is going to say that it takes time for people to get to know each other, and that with a little time and a little communication you can find some middle ground. And I get that. But I just can’t help wanting to find that man who just gets it, right from the beginning. If you read this blog enough you should know that I’m not big on giving a man direction, especially in the bedroom so it’s no surprise that I want someone who just gets it.
But how important is the sexual match, really? Should I spending more time wondering if our philosophies about money, faith, race, and children match? How important is it too you guys out there? What if you love something sexually that your partner just flat out refuses to participate in? Or your dude is pushing you to do something that you think is “just nasty”? Are these dealbreakers, or surmountable obstacles?
Enlighten me in the comments.
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Aquarius in the bedroom…nuff said…lol
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LOL yes I'm well aware. But what if you had a girl that couldn't keep up with your Aquarius ways?
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The clicking with clothes on and off has only happened to me once (my mr. big but that's another story)…
I guess this is why I created my three times and you're out rule…if we can get it right by the third time it's time to make a change
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oops i meant if we CAN'T get it right by the third time
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Sexual compatibility is very important… yes all the other factors you mentioned are important as well in a relationship but if you arent clicking sexually eventually you will be like two passing ships in the night. it will become a "thanks for coming out!" or "its been a slice" NEXT!
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I too subscribe to the sex is like pizza philosophy and I also recognize that sexual chemistry can be difficult to come by, but I'm telling you ladies, if you aren't willing to communicate your desires to a man you are not always going to get what you want. Like any partnership or activity done in tandem (or groups for that matter) communication is key…
I'm not Kreskin, and I try as much as possible to be sensitive, responsive and open to whomever I'm bedding down with, but if she's got specific desires, she needs to share 'em (oh and any man threatened by that kind of thing isn't secure enough in his shit…he needs to grow the F— up).
If you've got an itch you need to tell me where to scratch, n'est pas?
Having said all that, sexual chemistry in a long term relationship is a must. For some reason we've been conditioned to think all the other crap (commitment, trust, respect, money, faith yadda yadda yadda) are more important and relegate sex to some auxiliary role, but the next time you have a huge figth with your partner let me know what really smooths things over: the make up sex or an evening talking about how much you respect each other.
All that other stuff is important, but sex sells, pays the bills, makes the man want to bring home the bacon and adds that sizzle…..
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