The other woman is a bad girl, isn’t she? This predatory b*tch is the target of many a scorned woman’s ire. She’s evil, she lacks self-esteem, she has no respect for marriage, she can’t find a man of her own. But in the immortal words of Jackie Collins, who’s she when she’s at home? Who [...]
The other woman is a bad girl, isn’t she? This predatory b*tch is the target of many a scorned woman’s ire. She’s evil, she lacks self-esteem, she has no respect for marriage, she can’t find a man of her own. But in the immortal words of Jackie Collins, who’s she when she’s at home? Who is the woman who so brazenly pulls up her chair to a table for two? And is she really such a bad thing?
I have a difficult time with the idea that every relationship is meant to fit the same pattern – monogamous and consisting of no more than two participants. I’m no Bill Henrickson, but I do believe it’s possible that relationships can take different forms and be successful. This might be a cultural thing – Lord knows Caribbean people take great liberties with the definition of monogamy – but I’ve seen long happy marriages that involved more than just two people. And no, it ain’t always the man with the side ting.
I’ve never really been the other woman, but I confess that the idea is not without appeal. There’s always been something alluring to me about it. It’s not that I don’t respect marriage or relationships, but it might be because I don’t value monogamy the way most people do. And for someone like me, being involved with a man whom I can never get sick of because he can’t spend every moment with me, who will likely never spend the night, and who will probably never want to get married or have children with me is a perfect fit. I could have my freedom, always have the trump card to end every argument (You’re married!), and I’d be free to spend the holidays with my family. Plus the relationship would always have the pull and the intensity of the forbidden. What’s not to want?
Let’s face it, no relationship is perfect. No one can be everything to their partner and all relationships have their voids. Some of us fill these voids with internet porn friends or children or hobbies. Is it really such a terrible thing to fill it with another person? Doesn’t anyone remember the episode of Friends where Joey made his father break up with his mistress and then his mother came back and explained to him the ways in which the mistress made the dad a much more bearable person? Is that just fiction or is it a level of honesty with ourselves we should all be striving for?
The problem is though, that the other woman almost never plays her position. I should be egalitarian here and say the other ‘person’ rather than the other woman, but I’m not. She wants more time, more status. She hates the wife and resents the children. She doesn’t want to hide. She wants him around on her birthday, on Christmas. She wants him to spend the night. She wants marriage and babies. She – just wants more. And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. But seeking it from your married (or otherwise committed) man is where drama begins. But I guess men don’t choose their side pieces with the intention of preserving their main things, do they? They choose them for other reasons.
Okay people, lay it on me. What do you think? Can a healthy relationship exist with more than two people involved?
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I'm very open about most things but this something I can't get down with. I'm not a jealous girl by any means, but this situation is one where the jealous girl in me will come out. Whether I am the gf or the other woman, I will always be wondering what my man is doing with her, if he treats her the same or better, if he likes her more. Who needs questions like that when relationships themselves are hard enough.
buy if 3 ppl can be mature in a relationship like this, more power to them. But I think at least one person will end up compromising too much.
What if the woman doesn't know that there is a mistress filling the void? Is that worse?
I agree with you that it's a lot to handle; in the past I haven't had a problem knowing there are side pieces but I have to know that I'm in the #1 spot and come first, always. It usually doesn't work that way though.
I'm with you. I don't get it. This whole you belong to me thing I have a problem with. Ever since that cracker decided to do what's right and free the slaves I don't ever plan on going down that road again.
Further to the point, I don't see any one person being able to fulfill all my wants and needs. That's why I have "friends" plural, not friend singular. And I aint trying to go without cause your ass is insecure.
Yea, there are people I spend more time with than others but just like when building a team some players get more PT cause they're more consistent and/or play bigger roles. Everyone is essential though providing you play your part. Then we all win! Go team D – lol.
And for someone like me, being involved with a man whom I can never get sick of because he can’t spend every moment with me, who will likely never spend the night, and who will probably never want to get married or have children with me is a perfect fit. I could have my freedom, always have the trump card to end every argument (You’re married!), and I’d be free to spend the holidays with my family.
~ ~ ~
Kind of reminds me of Taraji P. Henson's character in "I Can Do Bad All By Myself" when she was dating the married guy. I think it's one thing to be the other woman, and not know you are. But when you know that you are the other woman, and still decide to stay, that's when I think it becomes dangerous. I have this ridiculously strong belief in Karma, and I'd be too scared to risk the possibility that a loving relationship goes sour, or a man steps out on me because of what I've done playing the role of the willing mistress.
On a more basic note, I'm selfish when it comes to my man and I refuse to share! lol!
its totally worse. Cuz then one person thinks they're the only one and the other inevitably ends up lying to cover up the fact that they aren't.
how do you know you have the number 1 spot if you don't know the dynamic of the other
relationship? That's enough to drive me crazy. I thinl there are larger commitment issues at hand if you willingly sign up for that.
If you're keeping your side piece a secret, then of course this can work. Men and women have been running a little side action for as long as there has been action to have. Now, if you want to bring things into the open, it may get tricky but still….
…..a healthy relationship can exist under these circumstances. It's not easy, but it can be done. Assuming everyone is operating on the up and up, a little bit (make that a whole lot) of communication and firm setting of boundaries (i.e. practicing safe sex, dividing time equitably) will go a long way. Warning! This kind of arrangement can only work if all parties involved aren't the insecure and jealous type.
Jealousy and insecurity ruin any relationship, whether it's platonic, sexual or all the way monogamous. Forget life, jealousy is the real bitch.
In my experience, I've known when I've occupied the #1 spot, and I've known when my position is in jeopardy. But that's another post for another day
I'm not sure about the larger commitment issue – I do think it's possible to be committed but not be monogamous; but I get that the majority would probably not agree with me.
LOL it makes me sad that I reminded you of that character as I found her kind of abhorrent. But I do see the similarities.
You and I should have a table for two Sam Sharpe!
I think it's entirely possible for a relationship to last and to be positive and productive without necessarily being exclusive.
But yes it does involve a lot of communication and a lot of security; of which there seems to be a dearth in most relationships.
Amen. But I think this is a case of you and I preaching to the choir.
No one wants to be a character from a Tyler Perry film… that is an insult beyond belief.
You're effing right about that! Makes me want to re-evaluate my whole philosophy of life.
You need Max.. in order for this relationship to work.. the other person has to be mature, loyal, secure woman who can keep a secret, doesn't mind sharing, and is interested in having the type of relationship a 'part-time' lover has to offer.
I have been looking for someone like Max, ALL MY LIFE, but the problem is most woman HATE this smaller scale relationship. There is only one Max. Its really not that complicated, its a FWB situation plus a real relationship. FWB date outside of the friendship all the time… one of the dates turns into a nice little relationship, but he keeps the FWB going and the freind keeps her mouth shut to the new girl turned GF, turn Fiancee', turned Wife.
Did Mr Bigs really have to know what Kells and Fancy were doing? Would Dawson's life be any different if he didn't find out about Joey and KC? Did Roger Rabbit really have to know Jessica was playing Patty Cake with Mr Acme?
You aren't going to find TWO good black woman who are down with this sharing scheme. So its more likely that the number one is going to have to be lied too. It would be easier to lie to the side chicks since you spend less time with them. However, I just don't see that being a norm. You fall in love with who you fall in love with. I fell in love with a non-sharer. So the only way I will ever get what I really want is to find a number two who can keep it on the low.
But how can you really really trust someone to keep such a BIG secret. B/C you do love the number one and would never EVER want to see her hurt by your needs. And these number two lie… Its hard to find a number two. Even in the strip club, I tell a girl I have a GF and they act all strange (atleast the young ones).
Oh Cheekz I do love your comments. Why don't you and your girl move to Toronto and let me be your side piece for life?
Anyway. For me I think the key to having the side piece stay quiet is to treat her right. Assuming you were able to find a woman that was down for this scenario, once the ground rules are laid, stick to them and don't disrespect her…at least any more than the situation warrants. I think women tend to get vindictive and run their mouths when they are hurt and have an axe to grind, but if you choose your side piece carefully and keep her happy there's no reason she should blab.