I was reading this on my very favourite blog the other day and got to thinking about men and kids. If you’re a single woman in your 30′s you’re probably going to encounter this a time or two on your quest for Mr. Right. I know I have, anyway. I know a few women who [...]
I was reading this on my very favourite blog the other day and got to thinking about men and kids. If you’re a single woman in your 30′s you’re probably going to encounter this a time or two on your quest for Mr. Right. I know I have, anyway.
I know a few women who absolutely will not date a man with kids. And I know a lot more who are slightly turned off by it, but will still date him. Personally I don’t have a problem with it, but I will admit that there have been a few times when I’ve had issues with the way a man I’ve been involved with has handled the um, situation. Let’s review:
My longtime readers might remember this post where I talked about going on a date with a man who had an unidentified child in the car with him when he picked me up. In the front seat, no less. He didn’t acknowledge that the child – who I can only assume was his son – was there, nor did he mention it to me after he had dropped the child off. I thought that was kind of strange and it turned me off him even before the ensuing hallway incident.
There was another incident when I was dating a dude with a daughter named Unique (I dated two different men with daughters named Unique, isn’t that ironic?). Once we were dropping her off at her mother’s house on our way somewhere (Sidebar: the mother had the same first name as me, isn’t that weird?) and in the car the daughter kept saying “Daddy, why is SHE in the car? Why can’t I sit in the front”. Which I thought was just rude. If I had done that as a child, I would have got a slap for talking like that about one of my parents’ friends.
Then I dated another man who told me in our first conversation that he had a daughter. Great – I like when they tell me up front. He spoke proudly of her and was clearly a very attentive and doting father. Amazing. But much later I found out that when we met actually had two daughters. And another on the way (with an ex) who was born about six months into our two-year dalliance, but he never mentioned the other two daughters. I never understood why that one daughter was important enough to be acknowledged but the other two had to remain secrets. I thought it was mean and it was a big turn-off.
There was another one who I dated for a few months and he never told that he had kids. I only found out because we bumped into a mutual friend who asked about them and he had no choice but to come clean. Now I get that not every parent feels comfortable talking about their kids right from the get-go, but I’m not a fan of it. I think keeping your children a secret is kinda weird…
I almost never ask a man if he has children. And if he mentions it to me, I probably won’t ask him much about it. Not because I’m not interested, but because I think it’s up to him to decide what he wants to tell me. I have seen way too many women feign interest in a man’s children in order to ingratiate themselves and I think it’s kinda gross. And while I understand that the children are an essential part of the man, I just don’t think it’s my business while things are new. But then again, I have a natural reticence for asking questions, so it might be just another manifestation of that.
I never really understood what the big deal is about dating a man with children. Maybe it’s because I come from a blended family myself and daydreamed about being a stepmother when I grew up (I was a strange child), but I’ve never had a problem with it. Having children is a beautiful thing so why I would fault someone for having done it is a complete mystery to me. I will get turned off immediately by a deadbeat dad, but a caring, conscientious, and invested father? swoon, swoon, swoon.
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Max, I found my first baby father's profile on BlackPlanet (so many years ago) and he had listed that he didn't have children – I went off…I messaged every woman on his page and added a pic of him with my son to let them know that he was a father. I could not believe he had the audacity to deny my child, needless to say his profile was deleted soon after.
To be honest, it sounds like the child that asked why you were in the car, was asking because she thought he was still with the mother – kids are innocent, if she knew daddy was single, she wouldn't have asked.
Okay, wow. That story is crazy. I would have lost my shit too!
Re: the questioning child, I agree that clearly she was confused. And I'm not faulting her for that at all. However it is absolutely true that I would have got a box in the mouth for talking like that when I was a child. If Miss Unique was not ready to see us together, I totally get that. But be a responsible parent and do not bring me around her until she can handle it. Honestly, if he had had the courtesy to ask me whether I was comfortable meeting his daughter at that point I would have declined because we were so not there yet. I didn't feel that the situation was appropriate at all and that was why I was turned off.
This is a real interesting post because for the longest time I was really embarrassed by the fact that I had kids. Not because my kids are anything less than two of the most outstanding young people the world has been blessed with but because of my own insecurity and disappointment of being a statistic. You know the type, young black male with children out of wedlock.
Looking back though, on how I handled the whole don’t tell, do tell dilemma. It really depended on my intention with said female. If I was just looking to dick-n-run then no it wasn’t going to be a topic for discussion, unless it came up. If honey turned out to be a keeper then I would make more of an effort to fill in the blanks but rarely any thing so random as “btw – I have two kids…” I hate that. It positions your revelation almost like it’s some sort of ultimatum.
To each his own I suppose. Either way, it’s another layer on the onion.
“Are you married, engaged, do you have kids”
I make it a duty to ask this question.
I don’t think men with kids are lepers however in my dating life I most identify with, “slightly turned off by it, but will still date him.” I didn’t come from a blended family so maybe my perception is skewed. However I don’t live in a cave and I do understand more than a few men have children. My wish besides no children would be *IF* he has offspring please dear God let it only be one.