My absolute favourite part of Secrets of a Black Boy was what they called “How to Get a Man in 10 Easy Steps”. As soon as they said that I was scrambling for my blackberry to get them down so I could share them with you. It’s not actually a step-by-step plan to get a [...]
My absolute favourite part of Secrets of a Black Boy was what they called “How to Get a Man in 10 Easy Steps”. As soon as they said that I was scrambling for my blackberry to get them down so I could share them with you. It’s not actually a step-by-step plan to get a man, but more like some commandments to help you keep one. And of course, my two cents on each of them.
Ready? Here you go:
1. Never give it up in the first month
I agree with the sentiment behind this, but not the arbitrary timeline. I do think that the unevolved man will think less of a woman if she gives it up too early, but at the same time I don’t think waiting is a guarantee of anything.
2. Never go to bed in a head tie
You already know what I think about this one. I won’t say don’t go to bed in a head tie, but it is important to preserve your sexy. Head tie + flannel cow-printed pajamas is not what’s hot in the sheets.
3. Stop your partying ways
This one I don’t really get. Apparently there is something wrong with a girl who is in the clubs too much, but I’m not really clear on what that is. If there is a man out there who would care to illuminate me, I’d be ever so grateful.
4. Get some girlfriends and lose the guy friends
Okay I partially get this one – a woman who has no female friends is kind of a warning sign…I guess. But on the other hand, it can be hard to make friends as an adult female. Especially for an attractive woman because women can be catty as hell. I don’t see why she has to lose her guy friends though.
5. Don’t mention kids or marriage in the first year
I’m torn on this one…I guess I think it’s good advice for a woman who isn’t looking to get married or have kids right away, but if that’s your #1 goal then I think there’s something to be said for being upfront about it. I knew a woman once who told a man on their first date “I’m looking to settle down and I’m not interested in wasting my time. So if that’s not what you’re looking for tell me now so I can move on with my life”. That was a pretty risky move but it worked out for them – they’re married now and have a baby on the way. If she hadn’t mentioned it, and that wasn’t what he was looking for, wouldn’t she have basically wasted a year of her life?
6. Men need sex like water and air. You need to give it up and give it up properly.
Co-sign. No need to really say any more than that.
7. Culture yourself.
This one I think was about women needing to expand their horizons…I think there was a line like “don’t look at the plate of sushi and ask where’s the ackee and saltfish”. This is a sticky one for me because I am very particular about what I like and don’t like, what I will and will not eat, etc. etc. and it takes a lot to make me deviate from it. But I won’t stop anyone from doing what they want to do so if I’m dating someone and he wants sushi I will gladly go, but I’m not eating it. Sorry.
8. Don’t be telling your friends our business.
Ha! Oh men, you make no sense. You don’t want us to talk you to death, you don’t want to hear nagging, you don’t think it’s necessary to discuss every little thing, but yet you don’t want us to tell anyone else either. I get that certain things should be sacred and should stay within the confines of your relationship, but at the same time it can be helpful for a girl to talk things out with her girls. That way they can be the ones to tell her she’s irrational and you don’t have to be the a$$hole who says it.
9. Manage your cash wisely. And you better have good credit.
I agree with this one if you have marriage on the mind. Otherwise, I don’t see how my credit is your business. Is that wrong?
10. Don’t get comfortable. Shave it up so I can get it up.
I’ll give you this one too. I see way too many women who just seem to completely stop grooming themselves once they lock down their man. Not a good idea, ladies.
What do you guys think of this list?
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I'm pretty sure #2 (cow-printed pajamas) is a dig at me. and for the record, i wear my flannel santa pajamas when I have company. but i digress. i also saw secrets of a black boy (fabulous) and i could understand a lot of this list. i just really want a woman to write (and believe, and follow) a 10 commandments list of acceptable behaviour in men. so get started, ok?
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i don't know how i feel about #4. i've always been a girl's girl so i am fully suspect of girls who don't have any girlfriends in general. but if you don't have any to begin with, i don't see how getting some and losing guy friends should make any kind of difference. guys, just be glad she has friends, or else she'll want to spend allllll her time with you!
and #8 is ridiculous. have you not seen sex and the city? girls talk. get over it. just don't do anything shady and we'll have nothing be good things to say.
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You're making sense as usual. I think a man who insists that his girl lose her guy friends does so because he's worried that the friends want to f*ck her. And if you can't handle the fact that other dudes want your girl you're a panty.
And I WISH a man would tell me I can't talk to my friends. That's just insane.
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Soooo many good points here! I saw the play too and was iffy on some… Good article!
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Great list……
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#3 who wants a girl who out every weekend? How could a man take her seriously? This is the same girl who knows nuff men. The last thing a man wants to hear is "oh yeah I hit that" in the bathroom or somewhere in the club.
I would hate it if my girl knew more men then me. Oh how do you know that guy, I met him in the club.
So hear come the questions.
Did you dance with him?
Yeah I did a long time ago
Did you date him?
We went out a couple of times
No man should ask the next question but you have some of these as you like to call the "panty meat" (BTW what a stupid term)
Did you fuck him?
Now asking this question turns into….how many guys have you slept with?
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This coincides with number #1 because some women tend to give it up within the first month.
Sorry ladies we live in a world of double standards so if you man find out you slept with this guy then you are considered a ‘ho”
While we men are consider “Kings” if we hit it within less than a month even if she is wifey material.
#8 you can talk to your friends about us but use caution, cause the same friend you told is the same friend that will use it against you or even worst to get him.
So go ahead and tell your friends how I tore it up,
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Here we go again. I gotta be the voice of reason. People… to each his own. Come up with your own damn list and be your own judge. Your the only one that truely knows what your nonnegotiables are and if you cheat you cheat yourself!
So make a list and think about each point from either vantage that's just to see if it holds water. Ultimately you believe what you believe and dude already mentioned it too. There is a double standard out there but in the the words of the great Chris Rock "Just because you can do something (or something is done) don't make it a good fucking idea!"
Peace all.
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I can get down w/ some of these points, but a few of them are kinda …..ummmm.
Like #1, ok I get that when a man is looking for wifey he doesn't want to her to be all slack, but what if it (sex) just happens to come up sooner than a month and it feels right? Why not go w/ it? Why should the female look like she is less virtuous? Ain't we grown folks? Besides I think holding out is just playing a game and I thought men don't like games when it comes to sex…
#2 Satin pillow cases! Holla! so that takes care of that if its a new relationship, but if we're in it for the long haul then you are going to have to get used to seeing it every now and again. I mean C'mon don't men like when our hair is laid and looking right? Well then we gotta perserve that ish!
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#3 don't ask for something that you are not willing to give yourself! Nuff said! Tryin' keep my ass locked in the house while your ass is frolicking about? I don't think so! Men always say "don't try to change me" So I'm saying the same.
And…#8 I have to co-sign w/ the men on this one. I had to learn thru past experience and immaturity about this one. Keep ur business w/ ur man ur business. W/ exception to ur 1 or 2 besties and even then the info should be selective and on a need to know basis. Men hate blabbah mouth chicks that go running to their girls all the time. Men don't need to get the side eye from your homegirl cause SHE didn't like what He did last week when YA'LL had your fight. Don't you hate when your homegirl calls you crying cause of some shit her man did and you get all invested in her situation like "Uhn-uh girl no he didn't!" and then the next minute their all good and in love and now you are looking at her man differently? Or even vis versa, and you decide to forgive your man but your girlfriend doesn't? Too complicated.
Other than that, it can gwan!
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You make some good points. I don't think I will ever understand #3…I think it's a panty meat insecurity thing. I have to stay home while you're out running the streets? I doesn't think so.
#8 you have a point…you do have to use caution about what you tell your friends. But if one of my friends tried to get all shady with my man because of some shit I told her she'd have to get bitch-slapped. Sorry, girl.
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Carlos I'm so happy to see you back here! I like your point of view…especially re: #8 – it's true girls are devious (hi WWD) and will use what you tell them to take your man from you.
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I don't know WWD…I think there's a lot about this list that is pretty universal. I agree that we shouldn't let a character in a play do our thinking for us, but still I think this list holds water.
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thank you!
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thanks!
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LOL sbg that wasn't a dig at you…well not consciously anyway. But you seem to be doing okay with the cow-printed pajamas so maybe you know something I don't.
And trust me while I was writing this I became aware of the urgency of a list like this for men and my little brain is just rattling with ideas….
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Absolutely, alot of the points are universal or more correctly apply to someone but I dont think you can say any one of them apply to everyone. That's why I think everyone owes it to themselves to generate their own list.
It's all about the social discourse though. That's why I love your blog.
xoxo
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On point #3: Men are territorial by nature. It's not that a woman shouldn't go out and have fun with her friends from time-to-time, but not in excess. The same should hold true for the guys. Most men don't want lots and lots of guys being familiar with their woman. I know guys who are interested in a girl but have their heart sink every time they log into Facebook to see them in another Warner photo album or in another Amnesia photo album. It's even worse if Promoters are tagging her in their party invites on facebook!?! lol
it's wrong but excessive partying gives the perception that the girl is flighty and NOT wifey material.
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….I guess the message is have fun and enjoy yourself but missing a few jams here and there is not a bad idea at all!
Trust me, I hear guys talk about this all the time: "yeah, she's a great catch: smart, beautiful and not all up in the CLUB SCENE."
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Interesting…and how many of the men who say that are all up in the club scene themselves I wonder?
I get what you're saying, but it still seems to irrelevant to me. That may very well be a result of the fact that I do still like to hit the clubs every now and again despite my advanced age.
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Wow, I am wiping back a tear right now. I am sending this to my girl and all of her friends. Some help for you though. #1, give it up when it feels right, no time lines please. #2 So so on the head tie, I want her to look good and not be at the hair dresser every week. #3 Just not every week, dudes do not want a girl that EVERYONE has seen out. You want to feel like you have a gem. #4 True #5 Not totally true, after a few months it should come up so you both have an idea what is up. #6 Brap brap #7 I can not agree more, I would never be with a close minded woman. Life happens, together you should be able to visit life and talk about life.#8 Agree. I do not want to look in your girlfriends face and see that she knows about our sex life. #9 Regardless of marriage, a women (or man) who can not manage their finances is not a great partner choice. #10 Brap brap, I will try to look good for ever, I expect you to do the same and will help you as you will help me.
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LOL welcome and thanks! I'm STILL struggling with #3…I just don't get it. If everyone sees your girl out and is wishing they could have her…isn't it a beautiful thing to be the one she comes home to?
I think it's one of those things I just have to accept…makes no sense to me, but that's the way it is.
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"now and again" is the key phrase in your response – There's nothing wrong with that at all!
If a woman has a man who's in the clubs every weekend she has an equal right to not be happy with that as well.
The men that I know who make this commentary are all professionals who are too busy building careers, families and businesses to be partying every weekend.
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Well for #3, it is partially about pride. As a guy, I want to "think" that I have a gem that people have not seen all the time. Yes, it feels great knowing that other guys find my girl attractive. But there is something about everyone having seen her out. It is not a long term problem but it can be enough to erks some guys. At the same time, most of us want a girl who has gone out a bit in her life. Cause it is nice when you can reach a jam with your girl, she can dance, she looks good and you know if you leave her another guy will try and talk to her.
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I think the best way to go about is to be yourself and not try too hard!
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