Panty Meat Moves

If you know me (or my bff) in real life, you should know by now what a panty meat is, but if not, in the immortal words of Naughty by Nature, “It’s sorta like a, well, another way to call a cat a kitten”

Get it now? Good. Let’s get to it.

1. Hissing, whistling, blowing kisses, and other non-verbal ways of getting attention

Boys I don’t know why you do this, but this is not what’s hot in the streets.  As far as I can tell, there are only two reasons why a man would choose this method to meet a woman. Either he doesn’t have the confidence to just walk up and start talking to her – which would make him a panty meat – or he actually wants the kind of woman who would respond favourably to this approach. Which also makes him a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 4/5

2. The switcheroo

The switcheroo is the panty meat’s revenge on women and it goes something like this. Panty Meat sees a woman he wants to smash. Woman is either not studying him or is out of his league. Or both. Panty Meat starts pulling out his best moves in order to win her over.  If he’s smart and uses the time-honoured tradition of shameless and reckless pursuit + unceasing flattery, Woman will soon fall for the Panty Meat man. At which point the Panty Meat man will become distant and difficult, thus forcing Woman to shamelessly and recklessly pursue him. Panty Meat now feels like a big man.
Why is this a panty meat move? Because only a panty uses cheap mind games to get a woman to like him.
Panty Meat Score: 3/5

3. Drifting Off

Good lord, I hate a drift off! It goes a little something like this. You’re talking to your Panty Meat man – usually through some type of non-verbal communication like BBM or gchat. The conversation starts out nice and lighthearted and both parties are engaged and responding in a timely manner. Then – suddenly or gradually – the conversation turns to something serious and lo and behold panty meat has just…drifted off. He either stops answering altogether or becomes evasive and terse. Why? Because he doesn’t want to talk about whatever it is you’re now discussing and he doesn’t have the balls to tell you so. And what do we call a man who lacks balls? A Panty Meat.
Panty Meat Score: 6/5

4. Stupid lies

If Panty Meat is ever lucky enough to get a woman  – or even get within striking distance of a woman – he will invariably make this move. He will tell her some stupid, ridiculous, completely unnecessary lie, just because he is a MEAT and he doesn’t know any better. Now I’m not suggesting at all that lying has no place in a relationship…if you got head from a stripper at your boy’s stag last night, yes please do lie and tell your girl the party was boring. But if you went to the movies with your female bff last night, why do you lie and say you went with your brother? And why do you not brief your brother so he is ready with the cover story? You’re gonna get caught for lying about something completely harmless and expose yourself as the panty meat you truly are.
Panty Meat Score: 4/5

5. Making us do your dirty work

If a Panty Meat is lucky enough to get a girlfriend, and he gets tired of said girlfriend and wants to break up with her, you know what he does? He starts acting like an a$$hole. Why? So that she will break up with him. Why does he do that? Because he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself. And what do we call a man who lacks balls? Say it with me – a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 5/5

6. Bad massages and other laziness

Ah the bad massage. Consider this scenario: Panty Meat’s woman had a long hard day and her back is killing her.  She asks Panty Meat nicely to please rub it for her. Panty Meat looks to the future and sees a lifetime of massage-giving if he does it and she likes it. But an outright refusal will result in yelling and the game is coming on in 20 minutes. So what does Panty Meat do? He agrees to massage her but does such a terrible job of it that she begs him to stop and never asks him again. Why is this a panty meat move? Because if you refuse to pull your weight in a relationship, you’re a panty.
Panty Meat Score: 2/5

7. The flop

The flop is a panty meat’s signature move and it goes like this: Unsuspecting Woman and Panty Meat make plans (usually because Panty Meat suggested it). Unsuspecting Woman schedules it in and refuses all conflicting offers because she already has plans with the Panty Meat. Unsuspecting Woman starts getting ready or starts making her way to the spot when suddenly she gets a text message (it’s always a text message): “I can’t make it”.
Why is this a panty meat move? A couple of reasons:  first, it’s just bad manners.  Cancelling at the 11th hour should be reserved for emergencies only. Second – it’s a panty move because he used the chickensh*t method of texting rather than the grown-up method of picking up the phone. Third, because there’s no apology or explanation. Fourth, no notice.  Fifth – you’re a panty meat.
Panty Meat Score: 7/5

8. Brazening it out

After an offense such as the Drift Off or the Flop, Panty Meat knows he’s in a bit of a pickle. Somehow, some way he will encounter his victim again and how will he explain himself? (Panty Meats lack imagination). How will he return to her good graces? (Panty Meats don’t like to be hated). Rather than taking the normal, adult route of acknowledgement and apology, Panty Meat will try to pretend nothing has happened. So the next time he sees her , speaks to her, or texts her, he will open with “Hey Stranger, how’s it going? What? I get no love?” Or some such avoidance tactic. At which point the woman will either play along and act like nothing happened (women can be panty meats too) or she will call him on his panty meat behaviour – likely causing the Panty Meat to drift off.
Panty Meat Score: 6/5

9. Watching

I think the watcher may be the biggest Panty Meat of all, because he doesn’t even try to get in the game. What the watcher does is lurk in the background, taking in the scene, and filing information away for future reference. Ever been out at a party and had the feeling that someone’s eyes were burning into the back of your head? It was the watcher. If you’re lucky enough to befriend a watcher, you’ll catch jokes for days because he has the goods on everyone and he loves to chat so he’ll tell all. You’ll walk away thinking that the watcher is a pretty cool guy and the rest of your friends kinda suck. Which is all part of the watcher’s plan.
Panty Meat Score:  3/5

10. Cock-blocking

The cock-blocker is the Watcher with half a testicle, and he is a true Panty Meat. He doesn’t want to get with anyone until someone else steps to her first. Then he swoops in to mess things up. He’ll tell a story he’s supposed to take to his grave and if he doesn’t have one of those he’ll just make up a lie to kill whatever spark of interest there may have been. A true Panty Meat probably isn’t even feeling the girl, he just can’t stand to see anyone else get her.
Men, if you’re a cock-blocker you’re a panty meat and you will die alone. I’m just saying.
Panty Meat Score: 5/5

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 34

  1. ALD says:

    Um, I love this.

  2. maxfab says:

    a new commenter! welcome! and thanks :-)

  3. emti says:

    you're missing one: The Friend Jacker
    The Panty Meat you dumped because he did one of the above panty meat moves. Now he can't get back in your good graces so he proceeds to befriend ALL of your friends so inevitably you have to see/talk/hang with him again.
    Effing Panty

  4. maxfab says:

    that is a panty meat move for real.

  5. @__melissa says:

    #7 is the worst cuz it's rude and inconsiderate and makes the unsuspecting woman feel dry!

    but #3 means that all guys are panty meat because all guys do this. which could be another argument for verbal communication vs. non verbal……

    hahahha….i like how i can tie all your posts together. very smart. :P

  6. Janice says:

    You haven't changed a bit…still the smart, witty person I remember from way back…you should write a book!!! Love it!!

  7. shalimar6 says:

    You hit it right on the head! Reminded me of the panty meat move that was once put on me: I found out that the relationship was over thru the grapevine, because his dumb ass was seen wifing up some next chick. No conversation to say "its over" nothing, just starting pulling a #5 on me. For a minute I was like "Damn, I must've really fallen off", but no it wasn't me it was him. He was just PANTY MEAT! Later that same panty man became my "Watcher" #9 ! Trying to ask mutual aquaintences info about me, trying to be all up in my bidness from a distance! FIYAH BUN PANTY MEAT!

  8. WWD says:

    That's some funny shit Bad Max. I might have to turn the fellas on to this blog. Its a gold mine of venom and bitterness. I can't stop laughing! Its hard to type.

    BTW – #2, The Switcheroo is pure genius. I rate that brother. He upped his game in my books. Play on on brotha play on!!!

  9. jem says:

    This one is HILARIOUS!!! my favourite one ever!!! kee kee

  10. emti says:

    i wonder how many panty meat will dare to make a comment on this post

  11. maxfab says:

    didn't you know? all men ARE panty meats!
    just kidding – this is how i get branded the bitter bitch isn't it?

  12. maxfab says:

    thank you Janice!

  13. maxfab says:

    thank you jemmers!

  14. maxfab says:

    rating a panty meat move is a panty meat move. just so you know.

  15. maxfab says:

    not commenting on this post is a panty meat move.
    bwahahahahahahahahaha

  16. maxfab says:

    that is a dirty stinking panty meat move for real. that score is like 9999/5

  17. Johnny From LiveAGL says:

    LMFAO at the term "panty meat"….I always enjoy reading your posts…

  18. Darling Nicky says:

    Sorry I'm late on commenting Girl, but I kid you not….some of T-Dot's finest have busted a Panty Meat move…..or 3. #jussayin'

  19. Flo says:

    Don't know how I missed this post. HI-LAR-I-OUS!

    #7 really hits home though… 7/5 WOW… LOL

  20. Jonell says:

    lol love the post…. funny as hell…. there is alot of "Panty Meat" in Toronto… trust me!

  21. Marie says:

    I agree and I have only been in Toronto for 8 months…

  22. This is an excellent post and may be one that should be followed up to see what happens

    A neighbor e mailed this link the other day and I’m excitedly awaiting your next blog post. Proceed on the excellent work.

  23. This is a great post and may be one that needs to be followed up to see what goes on

    A colleague sent this link the other day and I’m desperately looking your next blog post. Keep on on the superb work.

  24. OhMyGodYes says:

    MAn… I am super late on this one but this is HEE-larious. First of all, “Panty Meat”? LMAO. Its funny because I dated a guy who used to do most of these things and I of course fell for most of it. My current boo does the drift off often and it burns me up. Thanks for the post.

  25. C.D. says:

    I know I’m like two years old, but this floored me! I’m tweeting and Facebooking the hell out of it! The guy I most recently dated, I kid you not, has a SOLID 9/10 of these. SOLID!

    I’ve dated other panty meats- and after some careful research (read: pinot grigio with the girls) I’ve deduced that most panty meats have daddy issues. I’m such an expert in the panty meat, I’m beginning to identify him quicker, and earlier on in the interaction. I give him a personal cleansing cloth and send him on his way.

    Great post.

  26. quiche says:

    #8 …. i will call out your ass !!

  27. ddddd says:

    this made my night

  28. Klayton says:

    I’ve just discovered your site max so plz forgive the 3 years late post. I’ve have a panty meat move to add to this and a confession.

    First- changing the subject of something you don’t want to acknowledge. It is done by having your girl ask you something you don’t want to talk about or something you got caught doing. Instead of doing one of the above panty meat moves you instead bring up something worse she did or if something worse doesn’t exist you get belligerent about some nominal thing she’s done. You put her on the defensive and fight about that thus pissing her off so you avoid what you didn’t want to talk about.

    Not all men start out as panty meat. Some men start out with balls and act as a gentlemen should but encounter something more addictive than cigarette smoking, morphine, and is about 3/4 as addictive as cocaine. That something is porn. Some men, through a combination of stress and embarrassment, break down and start acting like a panty meat. I speak from experience because I’m in the middle of trying to break a porn addiction in which my classic is the one above along with #3 and 4 when I got caught looking at it. Don’t think its panty meat enough? I’ve said shit that broke her down to tears for a week, on several different occasions, and that I have to live with all because I didn’t have the balls to fess up that I have a problem. My saving grace? I love her dearly and I’m damn lucky she loves me cause with some of the things I’ve said I could hear her heart break and she’s still going to marry me. Btw the date is Jan 12 and I’m three Weeks free of the most disgraceful thing ever, porn.

    informative site on porn addiction http://pornographyaddiction.com/

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